Best Friend/Lover wants to be wild and free but still keep me. Help!

[used again 17]

My very best friend in the world for the past three years is married but about to get divorced. About 9 months ago, our friendship turned into a relationship. I have never had a serious relationship with a woman before, neither had she. She told me how great everything was, how perfect we were. How I made her so happy. I was scared that the relationship would ruin our friendship and she assured me it would not. She pursued me until she gained all of my trust, in a relationship way, and I have given myself to her completely. I am divorced and was hurt badly in the past.

 

She has had trouble being faithful to one person her whole life. She said she felt she was finally ready to settle down with me. We planned our future many nights, even discussed in vitro fertilization, because she really wants to have children, I already have one.

 

She is close with my family, although they don't know the full extent of our relationship. My dad is dying of cancer and she has been there for me and my whole family.

 

I have told her many times if she wanted to make her marriage work, I would step aside. I knew this would kill me, but her husband should come first as she is married to him.

 

Tonight she told me that she is splitting with her husband, and she still wants to see me. She said that she doesn’t think she can be with just one person anymore and she wants to be wild and free. She wants to keep our relationship the way it is, but to be free to see other people.

 

I was prepared for her to possibly reconcile with her husband, but to find out that I am being dumped for someone she hasn't even met, hurts more than I can bear. I can't stand the thought of her being with other people. Especially after she proclaimed this great love for me, and still does. I feel betrayed and I feel as if I cannot believe anything she says anymore.

 

How can I still be in a relationship with her and hear of her adventures? How can I go back to being friends with her and just stop these feelings I have for her? Has anyone been through a similar situation? How did you deal with it? Any advice would be appreciated.

[uriel]

Sounds like you want all or nothing with this woman. I don't see how you can be just a friend or even a friend with benefits, given your feelings.

 

I understand that she wants to be free now that she's getting divorced. But, playing the field with you included just isn't fair to you. And, it certainly does mean that she doesn't feel the Great Love she proclaimed. She might care about you, but not in the way you want her to.

 

I'm sorry -- I know that's got to hurt. But however much you wish she felt otherwise, don't let semantics get in the way of the truth. Judge her feelings by what she does, not what she says.

 

Unfortunately, what she plans on doing is hurtful to you -- and she just doesn't care enough to stop. That's not love. And that's also not a woman of real character.

 

-- uriel

[used again 17]

Thank you for replying. I found your statement to judge her by her actions not by what she says especially helpful. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

[anotherperson]

used again 17,

 

I ended up in a situation somewhat similar to yours with my ex-gf a awhile back. She went from discussing marriage with me to telling me that she wanted an open relationship -- because she felt it was too early for her to be tied down. She wanted to be free to "find herself" and test the waters by dating guys. A relationship, especially a committed one with a woman when she had previously believed that she was straight, was something that she suddenly decided that she didn't want anymore.

 

I completely understand the feeling of being dumped for that "someone out there" that they haven't even met yet. It's terrible. All I can tell you is that things will get better eventually and time will heal the wounds.

 

It sounds as if it would be more painful for you to be around her than apart from her at this point. If that is the case, distance yourself (interesting advice for me to be giving when I can't take it myself). If you end up back in a committed, non-open relationship with her -- please don't just jump back in! I made that mistake and now I'm paying for it with our current break-up. Take things slowly and don't devalue yourself by just letting her walk back into your life after the way she's hurt you. You're worth so much more than that.

 

I wish I could offer something more, but I'm having the same kind of problems and I don't know how to deal with them myself. Good luck to you, though. *hug*

 

-- anotherperson

[Mr Spock]

If you love something, set it free............

 

If you can't handle her having sex with other people, stop contact now. You'll just drive yourself nuts. And she's said that she's not ready to be monagamous. You can either be patient and tell her to contact you when she's ready for a relationship or put up with it and go insane.

 

I would advise you stop the relationship if you are able to.