How to end it?

[PeineDeCoeur]

PDC, I completely understand what you feel. And a year IS a long time to have a habit, its not a week.

 

But, HF's msg was great, and I think one that can help alll of us during those "waves". Try to find something that makes you happy and like your accomplishing something. Something you know has an end goal to and you will be able to achieve it. Mine for me is repainting or redecorating... I know it will be different and I CAN change it... which is very theraputic for me after being in something I felt like I had little to control in.

 

YOU CAN DO THIS!!! I promise. Stand strong!

 

Thanks, WBD.

 

The problem is he was a great distraction from dealing with my divorce proceedings! I have a meeting with lawyers tomorrow that I am nowhere near prepared for.

 

I've got to deal with my own transitional crap before moving on to a pleasurable "end goal". Even though I still think of xMM too much, I do find the last 13 days of NC has helped me focus on all the stuff I've been trying to avoid. I at least feel like I'm taking small steps to sorting through my problems, and dealing with my stbxh in a kind and supportive way while making sure my kids are safe and needs are attended to. So... back to financial statements and such..

[wannabdone]

Thanks, WBD.

 

The problem is he was a great distraction from dealing with my divorce proceedings! I have a meeting with lawyers tomorrow that I am nowhere near prepared for.

 

I've got to deal with my own transitional crap before moving on to a pleasurable "end goal". Even though I still think of xMM too much, I do find the last 13 days of NC has helped me focus on all the stuff I've been trying to avoid. I at least feel like I'm taking small steps to sorting through my problems, and dealing with my stbxh in a kind and supportive way while making sure my kids are safe and needs are attended to. So... back to financial statements and such..

 

 

Good for you!!! And yes, the do act as distractions. I can not believe some of the things I didn't do while being involved with my xMM. And it was so agaisnt my nature to not take care of my business. Consentrate on what you need to do girl. And keep venting. We will get through this.

[Arrangrl]

Hi PDC

 

In EXACTLY the same situation as you are. Going to try NC from tomorrow( a bit like an addict giving up their habit?)

 

 

I am scared, hate the thought of not having him around but I know its for the best ...really I do, you do as well hun .

 

Keep strong, lets support each other through this awful time

 

Arran

[PeineDeCoeur]

Hi PDC

 

In EXACTLY the same situation as you are. Going to try NC from tomorrow( a bit like an addict giving up their habit?)

 

I am scared, hate the thought of not having him around but I know its for the best ...really I do, you do as well hun .

 

Keep strong, lets support each other through this awful time

 

Arran

 

Hi Arran;

 

Yes, it sucks, especially the first couple of days. I really, really feel for the OW/OM on this board who are doing NC and have to work with their AP.

 

After the last week and a half, I DO feel like I've gained perspective about what I want from my next long-term relationship, and that I cannot get this being involved with xMM. I'm separated now... why settle for this?

 

I have to admit, reading all the BS posts has helped me realize the damage I helped him inflict on his w and kids. And yes, this is also helping me stay away.

 

Please let me know how you are doing.

[LoveTKO]

Hi Arran;

 

Yes, it sucks, especially the first couple of days. I really, really feel for the OW/OM on this board who are doing NC and have to work with their AP.

 

After the last week and a half, I DO feel like I've gained perspective about what I want from my next long-term relationship, and that I cannot get this being involved with xMM. I'm separated now... why settle for this?

 

I have to admit, reading all the BS posts has helped me realize the damage I helped him inflict on his w and kids. And yes, this is also helping me stay away.

 

Please let me know how you are doing.

 

 

Best of luck and lots of strength your way! Just take it day by day.

 

And yes, this NC stuff is for the birds....it does hurt, but it's for the better - we all have to bite the bullet and suck it up so to speak. let's see how long I'll last.

[PeineDeCoeur]

Best of luck and lots of strength your way! Just take it day by day.

 

And yes, this NC stuff is for the birds....it does hurt, but it's for the better - we all have to bite the bullet and suck it up so to speak. let's see how long I'll last.

 

Thanks. I still feel like I'm bargaining in my head about being in contact with him. But it's all good - I draft an email and don't send. And when I look at all the draft emails that I haven't sent - over the last six months, I realize I wasn't doing myself any favours by continuing to see him...

 

THere's def some similarities in our situations- I've had similar thoughts too about how he can keep having affairs and stay married.. calling me his addiction.. but if it's his choice to stay married, it's my choice to end my contact with him.

 

Stay strong. Let me know how you do.

[whichwayisup]

Hi Arran;

 

Yes, it sucks, especially the first couple of days. I really, really feel for the OW/OM on this board who are doing NC and have to work with their AP.

 

After the last week and a half, I DO feel like I've gained perspective about what I want from my next long-term relationship, and that I cannot get this being involved with xMM. I'm separated now... why settle for this?

 

I have to admit, reading all the BS posts has helped me realize the damage I helped him inflict on his w and kids. And yes, this is also helping me stay away.

 

Please let me know how you are doing.

 

Time is on your sound and as cliche as it sounds, time heals all wounds..

 

Keep as busy as you can..Focus on what is good in your life. Friends, family, your health, hobbies... Also, be 'good' to yourself. Go shopping and buy something nice- a dress or a new outfit.. Get a new haircut and go for a spa day.

[TurningTables]

All I can say is.. breaking a pattern... a habit, is hard. Even if that habit is only a year old, it is/was a well-entrenched one. I know it's wrong. The irony is I make the excuses for him but none for myself.

 

Yes I "got excited" when he emailed because I was expecting it at some point - and I guess part of the habit is constantly checking my email, never knowing when I'm going to hear from him; validation that I'm still in his thoughts.

 

Talking about it with you all helps a lot, and brings all the deterrents back into focus. I WILL make it to Day 14...

 

Peine,

 

I wanted to chime in here with NC is extremely hard esp if your AP is still trying to contact you. You have to try and cut every avenue that xMM has to contact you. I didnt listen at first to these lovely ladies here, and I paid for it later. It will make things go so much smoother until you are strong enough to withstand running into him. They say however long the R was it takes twice as long to get over. I think in a A, it takes even longer because the R never faced reality.

I also wanted to tell you to keep telling yourself that althought he may have cared for you, he didnt love you enough. He loved himself more. This was the hardest pill to swallow. Love is letting someone go when you cant have them or make them happy. If he truly loved you more than himself, he would have seen how much he was hurting you and stringing you along. He would have let you go and cut all contact, even though it hurt. Keep telling yourself this. Sometimes it takes seeing a situation ugly for awhile to really move away from it.

I hope this helps.

[nofool4u]

There have sometimes been some red flags with MM

 

Such as the fact he is married and cheating?

 

 

 

My question is - do I just ignore him when he gets back in touch with me? Or do I see him one last time in order to tell him that it's over? I care about him deeply, I want to be in touch with him, and yet I know he is not the man for me.

 

What to do?

 

You tell him its over and you never want to see him again. I don't think it should be done in person to give yourself the chance to be swooned all over again with stars in your eyes and all that. Because if you do, you'll just end up sitting there thinking you can't do it, blah blah.

 

So you do it over the phone or any other means, a letter. But you don't sugarcoat it (although I know you will because you care so much for this cheater that has no bones about being a betraying jackass). You just tell him flat, "you are married, I don't want you any longer, its over, do not contact me again."

[LoveTKO]

Thanks. I still feel like I'm bargaining in my head about being in contact with him. But it's all good - I draft an email and don't send. And when I look at all the draft emails that I haven't sent - over the last six months, I realize I wasn't doing myself any favours by continuing to see him...

 

THere's def some similarities in our situations- I've had similar thoughts too about how he can keep having affairs and stay married.. calling me his addiction.. but if it's his choice to stay married, it's my choice to end my contact with him.

 

Stay strong. Let me know how you do.

 

 

That's too funny...you're right!! There are a lot of similarities, especially since my deal has a strong texting component to the relationship as well. She will only reply when it's convenient and plays little games by ignoring texts and what not. But I think that it's different for a guy tho; men are really predictable in the sense that if they get sex and passion 2 -3 X a week they don't need all that extra attention, or an ongoing dialogue. We have great chemistry and I have to say that she has really delivered by being very willing and eager to have sex through the years - it was actually getting to be too much for me! This girl always enters an altered state when we're together....never seen it so intense with anyone else.

 

How am I doing? Good days and so so days when I crave the affection, but I'm doing okay over all.

[sad puppy]

How is everyone today? I hope we are keeping our end goal in mind, one foot in front of the other!

[PeineDeCoeur]

How is everyone today? I hope we are keeping our end goal in mind, one foot in front of the other!

 

NC still intact. I do find myself thinking about him a lot and re-reading the latest email... and drafting replies.. but it just comes off angry/bitter. I don't send - and don't plan on it. Better to not engage.

 

The main thing that keeps me in check is the thought that my seeing him enables him to stay in his marriage. That just pisses me off to no end.

 

So now I'm replacing my email checking habit with LS. Is this progress?

[PeineDeCoeur]

That's too funny...you're right!! There are a lot of similarities, especially since my deal has a strong texting component to the relationship as well. She will only reply when it's convenient and plays little games by ignoring texts and what not. But I think that it's different for a guy tho; men are really predictable in the sense that if they get sex and passion 2 -3 X a week they don't need all that extra attention, or an ongoing dialogue. We have great chemistry and I have to say that she has really delivered by being very willing and eager to have sex through the years - it was actually getting to be too much for me! This girl always enters an altered state when we're together....never seen it so intense with anyone else.

 

How am I doing? Good days and so so days when I crave the affection, but I'm doing okay over all.

 

Yes, the incredible chemistry and connection I felt too .. and intensity kept me hooked. Allowed me to ignore all that other stuff!

 

I hope to feel it again some day... (with someone new, of course)

[wannabdone]

Thanks. I still feel like I'm bargaining in my head about being in contact with him. But it's all good - I draft an email and don't send. And when I look at all the draft emails that I haven't sent - over the last six months, I realize I wasn't doing myself any favours by continuing to see him...

 

THere's def some similarities in our situations- I've had similar thoughts too about how he can keep having affairs and stay married.. calling me his addiction.. but if it's his choice to stay married, it's my choice to end my contact with him.

 

Stay strong. Let me know how you do.

 

 

Thats just a stage of grief. And if you look at the stages... its the one before the final!!! Your getting there!!

[sad puppy]

NC still intact. I do find myself thinking about him a lot and re-reading the latest email... and drafting replies.. but it just comes off angry/bitter. I don't send - and don't plan on it. Better to not engage.

 

The main thing that keeps me in check is the thought that my seeing him enables him to stay in his marriage. That just pisses me off to no end.

 

So now I'm replacing my email checking habit with LS. Is this progress?

 

Yes, excellent! I'll tell you, when I totally understood I was making his life perfect, filling in the gaps on his sexless (for 8 years) marriage, and we were having fun and enjoying each others' company, falling in love, yeah, it was real, and then, the family vacations continued, ... It made it easier for me to put the pressure on him, big time! Keep reminding yourself of this, every day. It's a great clarifier.

 

You're better than I, I sent numerous emails that were highly critical, angry, not so much bitter, just calling him OUT!

 

You're doing great, keep going, aren't you proud of yourself for not breaking NC? I am!

[LoveTKO]

Yes, the incredible chemistry and connection I felt too .. and intensity kept me hooked. Allowed me to ignore all that other stuff!

 

I hope to feel it again some day... (with someone new, of course)

 

 

You will.....I can tell that good chemistry is in your genes. Just give it some time .

[FightClub]

re-read what you just wrote.

 

You have decided to make excuses for him, for the fact that he uses text/email to communicate with you.

 

How about he can't call you because his wife may see phone records and wonder who he was talking to for xx amount of time and so regularly. You have accepted that you are someone he sneaks off to communicate with. Someone he cannot be forthright about contacting. He has to sneak, he has to lie, he has to betray another person to send you an email or a text.

 

WHY do you get turned on by this/this guy?

 

You want him to chase you - you got all excited that he emailed..just like most of us knew he would do. He is fishing to see if you would be open to sneaking around again - so he can come by for a quick one. He finds time for that, but not to speak to you on the phone?

 

You have really chosen a new path for you - stick to it! You have already been down the road of mistress and that road wasn't so good. Why would you go down it again, knowing full well you are an option and not a priority?

 

Move forward. Delete his email and stop letting him have so much power over you. How many hours have you not thought about replying? How much time have you spent on this ONE thing?

 

Walk away from the computer/phone. Put it away and find something meaningful or constructive to occupy your mind. Re-arrange your closet; your pantry, your cabinets. Clean a bathroom, mop the floor, vacuum. ANYTHING to distract yourself. Find a new activity to do each day that you need to focus on and for you to look forward to.

 

Do ANYTHING besides obsess about this guy. He is married. Period.

 

Hey Peine,

 

 

I just noticed this part of your thread that involved only texting/e-mail's and it's something I experienced with exMW as well. Hockeyfan made a great point in the post above, you always deserve more than the pieces of a fantasy based relationship.

 

Amusingly, looking back at my time, I used to justify not talking to exMW on the phone because she told me at the time ( while technically separated ) that her husband was emotionally abusive and would constantly check the phone bill.

 

All the time we were communicating via social networking sites, our gaming consoles ( voice chat ) and e-mail, I assumed talking on the phone was a moot point.

 

Looking back, I bought what she was selling because I thought, this was just the way things had to be.

 

Now after almost a year and a half, I recognize this is false thinking. So, within that knowledge I have these days, I agree completely, if you can't have an open line of honest communication with someone you feel 'in love' with, then there is no 'connection', only smoke and mirrors.

 

Glad to see things are getting better for you, Peine!

 

Hold tight to NC and keep looking toward the future, it's only a step around the corner.

 

-FC

Edited May 9, 2012 by FightClub

[kaityjane]

Yes, the incredible chemistry and connection I felt too .. and intensity kept me hooked. Allowed me to ignore all that other stuff!

 

I hope to feel it again some day... (with someone new, of course)

 

Yup! its amazing how we can look the other way...anything to just feed the addiction. You're doing so well. I don't think its a bad thing to use LS to help along the way. I do the same. I come online at times I would normally be texting him during my day. Its helps somehow.

You're not alone, remember that.

[PeineDeCoeur]

Yes, LS really, really helps because you just can't discuss with the regular support system.

 

There was a lot of good feedback on my thread and it all helped. One of the posters made a comment that stayed with me - something along the lines of "he can't even manage his life enough to call you". Really, xMM's highest priority was keeping his secret life hidden from his family.

 

But all in all, the NC does help distance me from him. I can't cling to him, afraid of the future. I've spent a lot of time thinking about my patterns and I realize it's now time to be aware of this so next time I can make better choices.

 

I have to admit something - when he contacted me, I had a hard time staying NC. After about 10 days, I did reply, nothing lengthy or emotional, but it was really bothering me. He replied, and that was that. I am NC again and I feel ok about it. I still think about him a lot, especially at night, but... enough, already.

 

I've been doing a lot of yoga and one of the teachers said something the other day that I hang onto as a mantra - "live in the present, love where you are in the moment and LET IT GO."

[woinlove]

Yes, LS really, really helps because you just can't discuss with the regular support system.

 

There was a lot of good feedback on my thread and it all helped. One of the posters made a comment that stayed with me - something along the lines of "he can't even manage his life enough to call you". Really, xMM's highest priority was keeping his secret life hidden from his family.

 

But all in all, the NC does help distance me from him. I can't cling to him, afraid of the future. I've spent a lot of time thinking about my patterns and I realize it's now time to be aware of this so next time I can make better choices.

 

I have to admit something - when he contacted me, I had a hard time staying NC. After about 10 days, I did reply, nothing lengthy or emotional, but it was really bothering me. He replied, and that was that. I am NC again and I feel ok about it. I still think about him a lot, especially at night, but... enough, already.

 

I've been doing a lot of yoga and one of the teachers said something the other day that I hang onto as a mantra - "live in the present, love where you are in the moment and LET IT GO."

 

Both the yoga and the mantra seem like they would be quite helpful. NC is difficult, but once you get to the other side, you will likely discover a lightness of being, being free from someone whose priority was not having his W find out about you. And that is a very common priority, as we've seen on many threads where the OW gets pregnant or wants more or there is a d-day.

 

It's common to have a bit of a setback and to break NC. This can happen even after quite a lot of time has passed. It is a setback, but it doesn't mean that all the recovery and healing done is wiped out. Sometimes it will feel that way (like all the gain has been wiped out) for a day or two, but if one again commits to NC, you will find it was just a temporary setback and the steps taken to move on really do have an effect.