How to end it?

[PeineDeCoeur]

It's done. Sent an email, he sent a lovely reply back. But in essence, it's done. I do appreciate that he never made promises to me that he couldn't keep. It's still hard though, and I feel so, so sad right now. I can't find it within myself to feel that he is a bad person. Misguided and bad choices, but he's not a bad person.

 

Will I ever connect with someone the way I did with him? This is what worries me the most.. and makes me the saddest.

[whichwayisup]

It's done. Sent an email, he sent a lovely reply back. But in essence, it's done. I do appreciate that he never made promises to me that he couldn't keep. It's still hard though, and I feel so, so sad right now. I can't find it within myself to feel that he is a bad person. Misguided and bad choices, but he's not a bad person.

 

Will I ever connect with someone the way I did with him? This is what worries me the most.. and makes me the saddest.

 

You will connect with someone else again..When the timing is right and you're healed and ready to date again. let yourself grieve the loss and heal.

 

I hope he truly does respect your wishes and leaves you alone, doesn't try to push a friendship with you or keep in touch. The only way to get over someone is not see or speak to them. Makes letting go and detaching easier in the long run.

[sailorgirl]

It's done. Sent an email, he sent a lovely reply back. But in essence, it's done. I do appreciate that he never made promises to me that he couldn't keep. It's still hard though, and I feel so, so sad right now. I can't find it within myself to feel that he is a bad person. Misguided and bad choices, but he's not a bad person.

 

Will I ever connect with someone the way I did with him? This is what worries me the most.. and makes me the saddest.

 

 

Best to you. It is hard. Your situation is so similar to mine that I'm amazed - down to the mutually gracious ending, your conviction that he's not a bad man but made bad choices, and the depth of your worry about finding someone like him. I'm right there in all of that with you. And the worry is consuming, for me at least, partly because it was my first R post-D and I was married so long that I truly do nt remember ever feeling, with anyone, the way I've felt with MM. I trust there is someone else like him out there, but at bleak moments it is hard to believe.

 

You aveended well, keeping your own needs most in mind, and he has honored that, it sounds like. "Begin as you mean to go on," my granny always sad, nd it sounds like you've done that. Well done. I think dignity and a sense of self is a great thing to build strength on.

[PeineDeCoeur]

You will connect with someone else again..When the timing is right and you're healed and ready to date again. let yourself grieve the loss and heal.

 

I hope he truly does respect your wishes and leaves you alone, doesn't try to push a friendship with you or keep in touch. The only way to get over someone is not see or speak to them. Makes letting go and detaching easier in the long run.

 

Thanks. I'm dreading how I'm going to feel for the next few weeks, but I know I'm done with it now. Last time I ended it, I didn't feel so sure.

 

In his email, he left things open for me to contact him any time. Last time I cut contact he emailed me every 10 days or so. I fully expect to hear from him some day, even if it's six months from now. I'm fortunate in that we don't travel in the same circles at all - so it's not possible that we see each other accidentally.

 

I haven't seen anyone talk about this in the boards... but I wonder sometimes if having a good sexual connection with someone - and all the chemicals/hormones that releases - creates these feelings of attachment. Especially when logically knowing this person is wrong for you. If this is true, then with enough time away from him I should be able to stop thinking about him and wanting him, no?

[PeineDeCoeur]

Best to you. It is hard. Your situation is so similar to mine that I'm amazed - down to the mutually gracious ending, your conviction that he's not a bad man but made bad choices, and the depth of your worry about finding someone like him. I'm right there in all of that with you. And the worry is consuming, for me at least, partly because it was my first R post-D and I was married so long that I truly do nt remember ever feeling, with anyone, the way I've felt with MM. I trust there is someone else like him out there, but at bleak moments it is hard to believe.

 

You aveended well, keeping your own needs most in mind, and he has honored that, it sounds like. "Begin as you mean to go on," my granny always sad, nd it sounds like you've done that. Well done. I think dignity and a sense of self is a great thing to build strength on.

 

Sailorgirl, I'd love to hear your story sometime. It's really nice to find someone who is going through something so similar at the same time.

 

THis is my first R since my stbxh. One of the things that I learned from this is what it feels like to connect with someone - and recognizing that this wasn't happening, was not going to happen ever, with my stbxh. I used to think sex wasn't that important in a relationship - this experience has taught me that this is completely wrong. Not that you don't have phases in a long term R.. but it's part of the glue that keeps 2 people engaged with each other. Oh well. THe next man will benefit, that's for sure!

[airynmacy]

OP, it's scary ending it, and living with NC is even scarier (trust me) but you SHOULD end it; quickly. Like a band-aid... one motion... right off.

[PeineDeCoeur]

So after 13 days NC, I got an email today from my xMM.

 

You know, I was expecting him to resurface at some point and was telling myself how good it would feel to know he's thinking of me, and how I wouldn't respond. And now.. all I want to do is reply! I have no intention of seeing him.. what would it hurt to reply, even just to say hi?

 

Please knock some sense into me...

[sad puppy]

Sailorgirl, I'd love to hear your story sometime. It's really nice to find someone who is going through something so similar at the same time.

 

THis is my first R since my stbxh. One of the things that I learned from this is what it feels like to connect with someone - and recognizing that this wasn't happening, was not going to happen ever, with my stbxh. I used to think sex wasn't that important in a relationship - this experience has taught me that this is completely wrong. Not that you don't have phases in a long term R.. but it's part of the glue that keeps 2 people engaged with each other. Oh well. THe next man will benefit, that's for sure!

 

This man is a teacher to you at this point in your life and this is the lesson you have learned from your experience with him. He came into your life for you to learn & recognize this lesson. Now, .... your lesson has been learned, a lovely one, to some degree, however, you have already said that you do not want him full time in your life and you do not respect him for his lack of appropriate coping mechanisms. Accept your lesson, and now you must gather your strength and move on.

[sad puppy]

So after 13 days NC, I got an email today from my xMM.

 

You know, I was expecting him to resurface at some point and was telling myself how good it would feel to know he's thinking of me, and how I wouldn't respond. And now.. all I want to do is reply! I have no intention of seeing him.. what would it hurt to reply, even just to say hi?

 

Please knock some sense into me...

 

Okey doke, P. If you break your 13 days of NC, you will have to START OVER FROM THE BEGINNING AGAIN. You do not want that. Feel proud of yourself. You both had a gracious ending but it is time to move on. For you. You are troubled enough to come and find LS, so you know you must take the first step towards your freedom and peace of mind. Be proud of your 13 days, you will keep getting stronger, it will ebb and flow, but it will start flowing and once the distance is maintained, you will really, and I mean really, begin to feel better. Distance is key.

 

Do not put yourself back at square one. You'll regret it. Listen to us here, you wil regret your good start if you break NC. You're off to a strong start. Keep going.

 

I have recently crossed 3 months NC and getting stronger all the time. Yes, I still have small urges to say hey or whatever, but I know I will regret if I break NC. Focus on his less than desirable qualitites, look with a clear, intelligent eye - and keep going, sister!!

 

Your life is full of change right now, its spring - a time of renewal and growth, just add this ridiculous affair to your mix of changes, ... and bad stuff that you are done with in your life. This is a good step in the right direction to move towards a more happy & fulfilling life. Let go of the reins and embrace what life has to offer next. I believe in you.

[PeineDeCoeur]

Aaaaaargh! I know it's true, SP thank you for the great advice. I thought I learned my lesson.. but the desire to hang on is still there.

 

Why do I still feel compelled to reply??? I tell myself that maybe through a distanced friendship I can help him see that what he is doing is wrong. But if I probe my motivations, I see what I really want is for him to just make a decision (focus on his m or leave his m). I want his comfort so badly.

[whichwayisup]

So after 13 days NC, I got an email today from my xMM.

 

You know, I was expecting him to resurface at some point and was telling myself how good it would feel to know he's thinking of me, and how I wouldn't respond. And now.. all I want to do is reply! I have no intention of seeing him.. what would it hurt to reply, even just to say hi?

 

Please knock some sense into me...

 

***** I'M KICKING YOUR BUTT RIGHT NOW******* DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT reply back. This is all about ego now and feeding your addiction/feelings for him. He is fishing..It means absolutely nothing..Don't fall for this crap on a stick.

 

It WILL hurt you if you reply! NC is in place for a reason. Some say NC = no new hurts. By responding you're ASKING for hurt and pain.

 

IF you say hi - What happens next? What's the point. Think ahead, not in the heat of the moment.

 

DO NOT REPLY. Delete/block and continue on in NC mode.

[whichwayisup]

Flip side of this..

 

His thoughts..Hmm, Just to see how she reacts I'm going to send an email. I bet she'll reply back..She can't help herself, she's so weak, I can say whatever and make her knees weak...Ha, when she replies, I'll smile and know I can manipulate her and that NC means nothing..She will keep caving everytime I reach out for an ego feed.. Hmm, I wonder what my wife is making for dinner tonight.

 

How's that? I know it's a total exaggeration and all, but does it piss you off?

I certainly hope so.

 

DO NOT REPLY.

[PeineDeCoeur]

Flip side of this..

 

His thoughts..Hmm, Just to see how she reacts I'm going to send an email. I bet she'll reply back..She can't help herself, she's so weak, I can say whatever and make her knees weak...Ha, when she replies, I'll smile and know I can manipulate her and that NC means nothing..She will keep caving everytime I reach out for an ego feed.. Hmm, I wonder what my wife is making for dinner tonight.

 

How's that? I know it's a total exaggeration and all, but does it piss you off?

I certainly hope so.

 

DO NOT REPLY.

 

F*&*CK.

 

Yes, that works. Easier to think that he's trying to see if he can squeeze one last shag in than that he cares at all about my well-being.

[ShameLustandDesire]

Something to think about PeinDeCoeur, when you MM is not emailing you, he is emailing me. Kidding, yes, but no. You just described the AP I was involved with from A-Z, and the story has no surprise beginning nor end. I have had a difficult time too, because it was a way to release suppressed anxiety...relieving stress...a short 'fix.' His excuses, mannerisms, all the same. Trust your instincts on this one!

[sad puppy]

Aaaaaargh! I know it's true, SP thank you for the great advice. I thought I learned my lesson.. but the desire to hang on is still there.

 

Why do I still feel compelled to reply??? I tell myself that maybe through a distanced friendship I can help him see that what he is doing is wrong. But if I probe my motivations, I see what I really want is for him to just make a decision (focus on his m or leave his m). I want his comfort so badly.

 

Yes, we have all been there, I completely understand those feelings, I truly do. The best thing I ever read about NC is that "NC doesn't lock you in hell, it opens the gates and lets you out". I believe that.

 

And yes, of all the research I have done, an affair with a MM just allows him to stay married. It is quite simple and straight forward. I don't know why women don't wake up to this, especially women that want the guy for real. You don't even want him to be truly in your life full time.

 

You're just missing him as a comfort to you when you feel bored, lonely, or sad. Just like a child misses their teddy bear if its not around. Simple explanation, but really, this guy is just a crutch for you right now because of your separation/divorce, ... just as a crutch is a comfort to a child.

 

 

He is fishing, that's for sure, you even predicted it. Just let yourself feel the desire to respond to him but you don't have to act upon it. It shall pass. Remember. It shall.

 

What do you truly want? Do you truly believe in your mind you want to end the relationship? If you do know this, your heart can play tricks on you. Keep your goal in sight and keep moving towards it. You are unhappy, overall, with him as a person, a cheating person. Really, as hypocritical as it sounds to come from an OW, do we really want a cheater we know is capable of lies & betrayal? We KNOW they are a cheater with horrid conflict avoidance problems, doesn't get much worse than cheating, especially long term cheating. Not admirable. Focus on his less than stellar qualitites and as I told my MM, "I dodged a bullet here". Wow, it hurt him, but I know deep in my heart it was true. So do you.

[PeineDeCoeur]

Something to think about PeinDeCoeur, when you MM is not emailing you, he is emailing me. Kidding, yes, but no. You just described the AP I was involved with from A-Z, and the story has no surprise beginning nor end. I have had a difficult time too, because it was a way to release suppressed anxiety...relieving stress...a short 'fix.' His excuses, mannerisms, all the same. Trust your instincts on this one!

 

Wha-at? Wow. Yes.. stress release was definetly part of it, for both.

 

It's so strange to feel this war between what my mind knows is right and what my heart/body wants.

 

You know... one of the things I noticed, especially the last couple of times we were together, is the "mood" effect. Afterwards, he would seem to be on a high, so happy..

[PeineDeCoeur]

Yes, we have all been there, I completely understand those feelings, I truly do. The best thing I ever read about NC is that "NC doesn't lock you in hell, it opens the gates and lets you out". I believe that.

 

And yes, of all the research I have done, an affair with a MM just allows him to stay married. It is quite simple and straight forward. I don't know why women don't wake up to this, especially women that want the guy for real. You don't even want him to be truly in your life full time.

 

You're just missing him as a comfort to you when you feel bored, lonely, or sad. Just like a child misses their teddy bear if its not around. Simple explanation, but really, this guy is just a crutch for you right now because of your separation/divorce, ... just as a crutch is a comfort to a child.

 

 

He is fishing, that's for sure, you even predicted it. Just let yourself feel the desire to respond to him but you don't have to act upon it. It shall pass. Remember. It shall.

 

What do you truly want? Do you truly believe in your mind you want to end the relationship? If you do know this, your heart can play tricks on you. Keep your goal in sight and keep moving towards it. You are unhappy, overall, with him as a person, a cheating person. Really, as hypocritical as it sounds to come from an OW, do we really want a cheater we know is capable of lies & betrayal? We KNOW they are a cheater with horrid conflict avoidance problems, doesn't get much worse than cheating, especially long term cheating. Not admirable. Focus on his less than stellar qualitites and as I told my MM, "I dodged a bullet here". Wow, it hurt him, but I know deep in my heart it was true. So do you.

 

I want change. I want a man who is going to be involved in my life openly, WHO WILL CALL ME ON THE PHONE. The emailing back and forth or ambiguous texting drives me crazy.

 

Part of me is whispering 'maybe he's ready for change'.. but I know this is ridiculous. I once wrote out a list of all the pros/cons in being involved with him.. gonna have to go back and dig it out.

[sad puppy]

Only texting and emailing is a very bad sign. That shows disregard for you, I'm sorry to say. He can't even plan his time to phone you, not good.

 

Additionally, you said after he's with you he "feels happy or high". Who gives a s&$@??? We want you to feel happy, we want you to feel high.

 

Stay away from him, do it. Let him not feel happy or high. Let him feel his life without you.

[sad puppy]

Btw, I did the pro/con list too (as did my MM - me v wife), my con list was pages long. I loved him deeply but his flaws were so deep, I had to march away.

[PeineDeCoeur]

Only texting and emailing is a very bad sign. That shows disregard for you, I'm sorry to say. He can't even plan his time to phone you, not good.

 

Additionally, you said after he's with you he "feels happy or high". Who gives a s&$@??? We want you to feel happy, we want you to feel high.

 

Stay away from him, do it. Let him not feel happy or high. Let him feel his life without you.

 

Yes - he lives his life dictacted by his wife's schedule, making phone calls difficult. His children are older and he would have a hard time committing to a set time for phone or back out at the last minute if they were around.

 

Well, I did feel happy and felt a high too. It didn't last, tho.

 

This is really helping. Thank you.

[sad puppy]

Yes, I'm glad it's helping. That is what this forum is for, to support each other and share our experiences in hopes that we all come out stronger and better!

[whichwayisup]

F*&*CK.

 

Yes, that works. Easier to think that he's trying to see if he can squeeze one last shag in than that he cares at all about my well-being.

 

Good. I like your reaction..Was what I was looking for too!

 

Everytime you feel like caving, come here and post. Write him back.. To us! Let US be your sounding board that talks back so you won't cave.

 

Do yourself a huge favour now. Delete your email address and start over. This way if he writes again you won't be tempted to read and reply.

[wannabdone]

re-read what you just wrote.

 

You have decided to make excuses for him, for the fact that he uses text/email to communicate with you.

 

How about he can't call you because his wife may see phone records and wonder who he was talking to for xx amount of time and so regularly. You have accepted that you are someone he sneaks off to communicate with. Someone he cannot be forthright about contacting. He has to sneak, he has to lie, he has to betray another person to send you an email or a text.

 

WHY do you get turned on by this/this guy?

 

You want him to chase you - you got all excited that he emailed..just like most of us knew he would do. He is fishing to see if you would be open to sneaking around again - so he can come by for a quick one. He finds time for that, but not to speak to you on the phone?

 

You have really chosen a new path for you - stick to it! You have already been down the road of mistress and that road wasn't so good. Why would you go down it again, knowing full well you are an option and not a priority?

 

Move forward. Delete his email and stop letting him have so much power over you. How many hours have you not thought about replying? How much time have you spent on this ONE thing?

 

Walk away from the computer/phone. Put it away and find something meaningful or constructive to occupy your mind. Re-arrange your closet; your pantry, your cabinets. Clean a bathroom, mop the floor, vacuum. ANYTHING to distract yourself. Find a new activity to do each day that you need to focus on and for you to look forward to.

 

Do ANYTHING besides obsess about this guy. He is married. Period.

 

 

That is a GREAT POST! Thank you! Some that all of us at one time should read over and over again at times!

 

I have started remodeling my bathroom. It's something I can control, something that takes my time and thoughts and something in the end... gives me peace and is beautiful!! Very exciting!!!

[PeineDeCoeur]

 

WHY do you get turned on by this/this guy?

 

You want him to chase you - you got all excited that he emailed..just like most of us knew he would do. He is fishing to see if you would be open to sneaking around again - so he can come by for a quick one. He finds time for that, but not to speak to you on the phone?

 

You have really chosen a new path for you - stick to it! You have already been down the road of mistress and that road wasn't so good. Why would you go down it again, knowing full well you are an option and not a priority?

 

Move forward. Delete his email and stop letting him have so much power over you. How many hours have you not thought about replying? How much time have you spent on this ONE thing?

 

Walk away from the computer/phone. Put it away and find something meaningful or constructive to occupy your mind. Re-arrange your closet; your pantry, your cabinets. Clean a bathroom, mop the floor, vacuum. ANYTHING to distract yourself. Find a new activity to do each day that you need to focus on and for you to look forward to.

 

Do ANYTHING besides obsess about this guy. He is married. Period.

 

All I can say is.. breaking a pattern... a habit, is hard. Even if that habit is only a year old, it is/was a well-entrenched one. I know it's wrong. The irony is I make the excuses for him but none for myself.

 

Yes I "got excited" when he emailed because I was expecting it at some point - and I guess part of the habit is constantly checking my email, never knowing when I'm going to hear from him; validation that I'm still in his thoughts.

 

Talking about it with you all helps a lot, and brings all the deterrents back into focus. I WILL make it to Day 14...

[wannabdone]

All I can say is.. breaking a pattern... a habit, is hard. Even if that habit is only a year old, it is/was a well-entrenched one. I know it's wrong. The irony is I make the excuses for him but none for myself.

 

Yes I "got excited" when he emailed because I was expecting it at some point - and I guess part of the habit is constantly checking my email, never knowing when I'm going to hear from him; validation that I'm still in his thoughts.

 

Talking about it with you all helps a lot, and brings all the deterrents back into focus. I WILL make it to Day 14...

 

PDC, I completely understand what you feel. And a year IS a long time to have a habit, its not a week.

 

But, HF's msg was great, and I think one that can help alll of us during those "waves". Try to find something that makes you happy and like your accomplishing something. Something you know has an end goal to and you will be able to achieve it. Mine for me is repainting or redecorating... I know it will be different and I CAN change it... which is very theraputic for me after being in something I felt like I had little to control in.

 

YOU CAN DO THIS!!! I promise. Stand strong!