Why do some people see not wanting to have kids as being selfish?

[Ross MwcFan]

This is another mindset that I'm trying to understand, sorry if the post comes across as harsh, it's not ment to be.

 

To me selfish is a negative word, it implies that what you're doing is bad or wrong.

 

But how can there be anything bad or wrong with not wanting kids, even if it is for the reason of having more freedom and money, what harm are you causing to anyone?

 

When people call someone selfish for not wanting kids, is it because they are automatically assuming that their partner will want kids and so they're depriving them of having kids? Even if they are depriving their partner of having kids, I still think it's wrong to call them selfish. To me that's no different from calling a woman selfish because her partner doesn't want kids and she wont have an abortion.

 

Thanks.

Edited April 1, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[johan]

There are the kids people imagine you having but aren't born, and presumably never will be. And they are being denied life because you want to live an unhassled life, sleep in on the weekends, keep your house neat, and enjoy your annual trips to the Carribean.

[Ross MwcFan]

Yeah but, they're thinking about kids that don't actually exist. It's not like there's some sort of conciousness out there thinking 'I want to exist', and you're depriving it of that.

 

No harm is being caused to anyone.

 

If it's so bad to be denying something that doesn't exist of existing, then surely these people are bad themselves for only having 2 kids instead of 3, or 3 kids instead of 4, and so on and so on.

Edited April 1, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[KathyM]

It's not selfish to not want to have children. What's selfish is leading a partner to believe that you want children when you really don't, or saying that you want children, but acting in a way that shows that you really don't. In other words, denying your partner their right and desire to have children when you gave them the impression that you wanted that also.

[Ross MwcFan]

It's not selfish to not want to have children. What's selfish is leading a partner to believe that you want children when you really don't, or saying that you want children, but acting in a way that shows that you really don't. In other words, denying your partner their right and desire to have children when you gave them the impression that you wanted that also.

 

I'm in total agreement with that.

[KathyM]

I'm in total agreement with that.

Well, at least we can agree on something.

[Ross MwcFan]

Well, at least we can agree on something.

 

LOL! Yup.

[bentnotbroken]

I think it is because they don't have enough business that is interesting. I would rather people not have the children they don't want instead of give birth to a child that will eventually be used as a reason to be a butt.

[KR10N]

This is another mindset that I'm trying to understand, sorry if the post comes across as harsh, it's not ment to be.

 

To me selfish is a negative word, it implies that what you're doing is bad or wrong.

 

But how can there be anything bad or wrong with not wanting kids, even if it is for the reason of having more freedom and money, what harm are you causing to anyone?

 

When people call someone selfish for not wanting kids, is it because they are automatically assuming that their partner will want kids and so they're depriving them of having kids? Even if they are depriving their partner of having kids, I still think it's wrong to call them selfish. To me that's no different from calling a woman selfish because her partner doesn't want kids and she wont have an abortion.

 

Thanks.

I agree w/ this. I get so tired of hearing this crap. I was butchered by some friends one day because I said that I never wanted kids. Just because I'm built to bear children doesn't mean I want them. And there are a lot of parents whose ability to raise their children is brought into question. My reasons for not wanting kids is quite rational:

 

 

• It's hard on a woman's body
  
• Hereditary diseases
  
• Fear that I wouldn't be a good mother
  
• Career entails no time for children. Why have kids if you can't be there for them?
  
• Money, they do cost
  
• Something that couples desperately want children forget: Parentless children. Seriously, they try so hard to have kids, just adopt please. The amount of children left behind or "unwanted" by their bio parents is just sickening.
  

[Ross MwcFan]

I agree w/ this. I get so tired of hearing this crap. I was butchered by some friends one day because I said that I never wanted kids. Just because I'm built to bear children doesn't mean I want them. And there are a lot of parents whose ability to raise their children is brought into question. My reasons for not wanting kids is quite rational:

 

 

• It's hard on a woman's body
  
• Hereditary diseases
  
• Fear that I wouldn't be a good mother
  
• Career entails no time for children. Why have kids if you can't be there for them?
  
• Money, they do cost
  
• Something that couples desperately want children forget: Parentless children. Seriously, they try so hard to have kids, just adopt please. The amount of children left behind or "unwanted" by their bio parents is just sickening.
  

Exactly, and there would be a lot more of them if everyone who didn't want kids had them anyway.

[NeverDated]

This is pretty rare mindset, from what I've seen. As a mother, I say more power to anyone who does not want children and doesn't have them. It's a hassle. They are a blessing, but they are not fun most of the time. You spend the majority of your life resisting the urge to rip the hair out of your head for fleeting moments of joy here and there.

 

When people say the willingly child-free are "selfish" I think they're referring to the idea that you're building up wealth and a life, and keeping it to yourself. You're "hoarding" your good fortune. It's, I think, a very convenient way to level the playing field and mostly based in jealousy.

 

There's also a very warped Western view of children. In the past, children happened - you had sex, you got babies. Now children are seen as some kind of accessory or life accomplishment that you "plan" on. Think of the general Western response to a teenager refusing to go to college. That's one of the items on the Western-dream checklist, and if you choose to skip that one, you're a social misfit. Edited to add: kind of falls under the idea of "outsourcing" your self-image. "I [completed item on checklist], therefore people who do not are [choose a negative adjective from the list]." It's a way of enforcing the correctness of their own life-decision.

Edited April 1, 2012 by NeverDated

[Ross MwcFan]

There are the kids people imagine you having but aren't born, and presumably never will be. And they are being denied life because you want to live an unhassled life, sleep in on the weekends, keep your house neat, and enjoy your annual trips to the Carribean.

 

Jesus Christ johan, not everyone who doesn't want kids, doesn't want them because of those reasons. Stop making assumptions about people who don't want kids.

 

Some people may just find the idea of having kids unappealing anyway, other people feel that they may not be a good parent, others may think that they may pass on some of their illnesses whether mental or physical onto them.

Edited April 1, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[HeavenOrHell]

Having kids is something couples would have talked about before becoming serious, surely? It's such an important thing that a couple clearly aren't compatible if one wants kids and the other doesn't. It would be selfish if someone pretended they wanted kids just to keep their partner, knowing that their partner wants kids and knowing that they themselves are unlikely to ever want any.

 

But it's not selfish in general to not want kids, I've several reasons for not having any, mostly unselfish reasons, ie the world is already overpopulated, and I suffer too much with anxiety and other problems to have kids, I wouldn't want them to suffer in any way because of me, and the world is a harsh place, I don't want to put anyone else through that.

 

I wish far more people would face up to the fact they are/or would, make **** parents, and stop churning them out because it's what everyone else does and they can't think what else to do with their lives, or they want their genes to continue

 

There are only selfish reasons for *having* kids, that's how I see it.

 

 

This is another mindset that I'm trying to understand, sorry if the post comes across as harsh, it's not ment to be.

 

To me selfish is a negative word, it implies that what you're doing is bad or wrong.

 

But how can there be anything bad or wrong with not wanting kids, even if it is for the reason of having more freedom and money, what harm are you causing to anyone?

 

When people call someone selfish for not wanting kids, is it because they are automatically assuming that their partner will want kids and so they're depriving them of having kids? Even if they are depriving their partner of having kids, I still think it's wrong to call them selfish. To me that's no different from calling a woman selfish because her partner doesn't want kids and she wont have an abortion.

 

Thanks.

[FitChick]

I've never wanted kids so when I was younger and dating, men called me odd and unnatural and tried to talk me into having them to the point where one man threw away my birth control pills. "You'll regret your decision." I never have. If anything, it's a point in my favor now because men I date have kids from previous marriages so that's the last thing they want to go through again.

[Tayla]

Jesus Christ johan, not everyone who doesn't want kids, doesn't want them because of those reasons. Stop making assumptions about people who don't want kids.

 

Some people may just find the idea of having kids unappealing anyway, other people feel that they may not be a good parent, others may think that they may pass on some of their illnesses whether mental or physical onto them.

 

 

Ross-I agree with your second paragraph. True things to consider before coming to passing an opinion of a person who does come to that decision to remain childless. Thank you for shedding light.

[johan]

Jesus Christ johan, not everyone who doesn't want kids, doesn't want them because of those reasons. Stop making assumptions about people who don't want kids.

 

They aren't MY assumptions. I was just explaining the logic, which is what you asked about. It definitely isn't something I would ever debate, because it's a personal decision.

 

People, mostly religious people I imagine, tend to think that way. And also people who are really into parenting. To be honest, I think they have a point. It's not hard to come to the conclusion that being a parent is about the only truly meaningful thing you can do in life. Playing XBox or making money or going on a lot of safaris don't really carry the same weight. And if you believe in God, it's sort of a directive from the Almighty.

 

But the people who don't want kids have a point, too. To be honest, the idea of having kids around to pester me isn't an appealing one. But that is actually quite a selfish thought.

[sweetjasmine]

But how can there be anything bad or wrong with not wanting kids, even if it is for the reason of having more freedom and money, what harm are you causing to anyone?

 

I think part of it is people liking to feel selfless because they've sacrificed a lot for their children. "How dare you think of only yourself and refuse to sacrifice for your hypothetical, non-existent children?!" People probably believe that they've made the world a better place by having children and sacrificing things for them, and if you refuse to reproduce and sacrifice for your potential children, then you're a selfish hoarder who doesn't want to share resources.

 

IMO, those arguments are pretty ridiculous. There's nothing selfish about not having children. I prefer that people only have children when they actually want them instead of out of a sense of obligation because it's "just what you do." The planet is crowded enough as it is. We don't need people bringing more hungry mouths into the world if they don't really want them. It's more harmful to the world to bring more and more children into it "just because" than it is to reduce the strain on our natural resources by having fewer children or not having any.

 

I personally want children, but when people make the decision to not have any, they should be respected and taken at their word. It's nobody's place to pressure someone into having children they don't want.

[SSexySSadie]

Same reason it appeases me to not want a GF anymore.

 

I don't want to be responsible for anyone else, I don't want any other living being touching my stuff but me, I'm not willing to dedicate my life, my dreams over being responsible for another living being, it is cheaper to live alone, I can be free as a bird riding bicycles at 2 in the morning with no worries or nagging, plus I don't want offspring to look like me and I am not willing to deal with the good chances of bad birth defects like Down Syndrome or severe autism....I simply will never donate my life to such a life-long and dedicated thing like that. I do not have the pacients for it.

 

At least I am smart and honest about it rather than have a child with no damn plan at all, stuck paying support on a kid I'll never talk to...

 

People who call me selfish for this decision and reasons, well, they can go F themselves...it wouldn't bother me..I'd laugh hystaricaly at them.

 

I don't know why you're worried about what other people think doll. You seem to know what you want and I agree......it's better to refrain from having children than to have them and not take care of them.

[SSexySSadie]

Why do you think I am worried from that?

Oh I am not worried about what others let out their pie holes about this subject.

 

Do you think you'll ever change your mind about having children?

[SSexySSadie]

No, too old, and never wanted them from day one.

 

 

 

Men are never too old, or so I've heard..lol

[Ross MwcFan]

I've never wanted kids so when I was younger and dating, men called me odd and unnatural and tried to talk me into having them to the point where one man threw away my birth control pills. "You'll regret your decision." I never have. If anything, it's a point in my favor now because men I date have kids from previous marriages so that's the last thing they want to go through again.

 

That guy sounds like a ****ing idiot.

[Ross MwcFan]

I think part of it is people liking to feel selfless because they've sacrificed a lot for their children. "How dare you think of only yourself and refuse to sacrifice for your hypothetical, non-existent children?!" People probably believe that they've made the world a better place by having children and sacrificing things for them, and if you refuse to reproduce and sacrifice for your potential children, then you're a selfish hoarder who doesn't want to share resources.

 

IMO, those arguments are pretty ridiculous. There's nothing selfish about not having children. I prefer that people only have children when they actually want them instead of out of a sense of obligation because it's "just what you do." The planet is crowded enough as it is. We don't need people bringing more hungry mouths into the world if they don't really want them. It's more harmful to the world to bring more and more children into it "just because" than it is to reduce the strain on our natural resources by having fewer children or not having any.

 

I personally want children, but when people make the decision to not have any, they should be respected and taken at their word. It's nobody's place to pressure someone into having children they don't want.

 

Yeah, you could just as easily say to those parents who call you selfish, that they're the ones who are selfish, having kids when the world is becoming overpopulated.

 

But I don't really think that, I mean you can't expect a couple to not have kids who have the natural urge to have them and who would otherwise probably feel deeply unhappy and unfulfilled without them.

[Woggle]

There are already too many people having kids who seem to have no business being parents so good for anybody who realizes it is not for them.

[frozensprouts]

I've got three kids who I love very much and who make me very happy...having kids was what was right for me...but that doesn't mean it's what's right for everyone.

 

some people just don't seem to be "parent material"...this doesn't make me better than them, we are just different, and I admire someone who recognizes that and who makes the choice not to have kids when they know that being a parent isn't what would be "right" for them...

 

this doesn't mean they hate kids, or that they are selfish or greedy...rather, it means that they know what they want/don't want, and that is how they are choosing to live their lives

 

The caveat would be that if they get married or involved in a long term relationship, they need to be honest with their spouse/partner, especially if they know that having a child is important to them...not doing so would be, in my opinion the thing that is "selfish"

 

 

one thing though...if someone knows they definitely don't want to have children, why are there some that , knowing this,still have them? I know of a least two people in that situation, and they are unhappy, and thier kids are unhappy...if you don't want kids, why have them? ( there are surgical methods for preventing pregnancy that are very effective...I never understood why these people didn't get themselves "fixed")

Edited April 4, 2012 by frozensprouts

[irin]

its definitely not selfish but its one of those things you have to be sure of and be vocal about. the word MAYBE should never be used when you are about to get into a relationship or im open to it then be completely against it like it was recently written in other thread, i think Marriage and children should be discussed at an early stage of dating, unfortunately people are always put off by it saying it too early for such discussions, and they end up in relationships with people who have no desire to ever be married or have children.