Why do some people see not wanting to have kids as being selfish?

[zengirl]

I don't, at all get the "children being thankful they were born" thing. I mean, my religion ASSUMES I would be born to SOMEONE. So. . . it's just kind of a weird thing altogether. Granted, I would've grown up differently with a different upbringing IMO, but my actual essence and "soul" as you will has existed far longer than this body, in my religion. And it gets recycled when I die. The notion of creation at birth (or conception) is a Judeo-Christian philosophy, so I challenge your notion that your idea is not religious at all. It totally is.

[Mr Frisky]

A person who doesn't have kids also doesn't have the support a child offers later in life. More of their needs will ultimately have to be met by the taxpayer.

 

That's pretty selfish.

 

Look! A member of the 1%. Maybe some people in this world don't want children because they know they are incapable of giving a child a decent Life. I don't mean a material RICH life, but just a normal life. Worry about yourself,Rick Santorum. I'm sure these childless people who are stealing your precious tax dollars will drop dead before you have to "ante up".

[UpwardForward]

Even if they are depriving their partner of having kids, I still think it's wrong to call them selfish. To me that's no different from calling a woman selfish because her partner doesn't want kids and she wont have an abortion.

 

 

If you and your partner(s) are in agreement to not have children, that's one thing.

 

But as for abortion, surely that's one of the most selfish acts there is. Once the human life has been conceived, he or she is here. There is no: Oh I cannot afford to have a child, or I couldn't stand to give he or her up for adoption.

[Ross MwcFan]

If you and your partner(s) are in agreement to not have children, that's one thing.

 

But as for abortion, surely that's one of the most selfish acts there is. Once the human life has been conceived, he or she is here. There is no: Oh I cannot afford to have a child, or I couldn't stand to give he or her up for adoption.

 

I wouldn't say once they have been concieved, as when they're just a bunch of cells, they don't have any thoughts or feelings.

[KR10N]

Well, that's beside the point, in my mind.

 

I just think about this sometimes, and there is this point of view I don't see an easy way to escape. When it comes to life, not giving it is as good as taking it away. And of all the things you can do in life, giving life is by far the most significant capability you have. There really isn't anything else that compares.

 

You have a profound ability that you keep locked up for some relatively lame excuse like "I wouldn't be a good parent" or "the world is crowded", when in reality all you're doing is denying someone life who, if you could ask them, they would really appreciate a shot at.

 

You're keeping all the life to yourself, because you don't want to try to be a better person or provide a better life. That's pretty selfish.

Precisely. So, all the surgeons, policemen, firemen, & everyone in the military that does their job to save others is giving people a second chance to live. People die on operating tables all the time and are brought back to life because someone decided they weren't going to give up. You don't have to have a child to give life.

 

"I wouldn't be a good parent", is not a lame excuse. For some people, it is bone hard fact. I truly believe I don't have what it takes to be a mother. And it has nothing to do w/ me being concerned w/ myself. I simply take into consideration of how the child might feel if they were to have me as their mother.

 

Exactly, these 'kids' or entities only exist in the imaginations of people, no harm is being done to anyone or anything if someone decides to not have kids.

Agreed.

 

Well, I'm not claiming what I said is right. The question in the original post is "what is selfish about not having kids." And I gave an explanation. For me this is all more a mind exercise than it is a belief I have. But mind exercises are good for making you challenge what you believe.

 

This all just goes to whatever beliefs you have about the purpose we have in life. If you're at all spiritual, then you have to at least entertain the idea of the existence of God and what purpose He might want for us. But believing that what I was talking about might be true doesn't require you to believe in God or follow any particular religion.

 

Like TBF said, no one is requiring you to have kids or to want them. You might decide you "aren't much into or begrudge giving of" yourself. But that's the definition of selfish. I still don't buy into the excuse that some have given that they would be bad or unhappy parents and so it would be better for everyone if they just didn't have kids. That's just rationalizing the fact that they don't want to improve themselves and become more giving or sacrifice. It's rationalizing what are selfish choices.

The fact is selfish people have kids every day. People who shouldn't be parents do end up becoming parents. And I think it will be pretty much universal: ask their kids if they would rather be dead, and they will say no. Ask those kids if they love their selfish, flawed parents, and they will almost always say yes. Maybe you would like to judge from the outside that those kids should never have been born. But that is a convenient thing to do when you're on the outside.

 

And TBF's idea that we risk overpopulating the world and causing misery with resource shortages is a bit of a red herring. First of all you have to have some idea of what the total productive capability of humans on Earth really is, relative to what is being produced today. Then you have to predict the growth in productivity that will come from economies of scale and innovation. Then you have to understand how all of what is produced could be more efficiently distributed. If you claim you have a grasp on those things and can produce numbers, then I would be more open to the idea that the Earth is nearing max population.

 

Again. I'm not sure I would live by all this myself. In fact I don't think it's workable. If you choose to believe it, then there are a couple other things that go with it:

1) marriage for love is not important. Being single is wrong.

2) not only should you have kids, but you should never use contraception.

And keep in mind there is no need for a God in all this. You just have to believe that selfishness is wrong and that having kids is the most meaningful thing you can do in life. The closest thing there is to having a purpose.

Having a child does not mean one has improved themselves. There are a lot of parents who act childish just as their children do. A child raising a child is not improvement.

 

Sacrificing your life for your child is something most parents would do. But how many people can honestly say that they would sacrifice themselves for the good of the many? To benefit the whole world, not just one individual. That, is selfish.

 

Is not.

 

 

 

 

.. .. ..

 

Are too.

 

... --- ...

What threebyfate said.

 

I wouldn't say once they have been concieved, as when they're just a bunch of cells, they don't have any thoughts or feelings.

Agreed. It's like there's a consciousnesses just waiting to be born.

[BurntBroski]

I'm 24, and I decided at 20-21 that I didn't want kids. When I told family this, they gave me a lecture about how "oh, you'll eventually change your mind! You are young and delusional right now!" I have to admit, their words of disagreement irritated me, but nonetheless I'm almost 25 and it's been nearly 4-5 years since I decided this. I doubt I'm changing my mind now unless I have a major revelation in my 30s, which I doubt it. I plan on eventually getting my college degree and starting my career. No time for children in that. Maybe I will change my mindset over the next 15-20 years? Who knows? I just dislike being berated for having my own opinion by people that I should be able to trust.

 

My mom is 64... I'm an only child -- am I supposed to feel guilty for not wanting any kids and thus denying her grandchildren? I was recently told this, and it pissed me off.

[Ross MwcFan]

I'm 24, and I decided at 20-21 that I didn't want kids. When I told family this, they gave me a lecture about how "oh, you'll eventually change your mind! You are young and delusional right now!" I have to admit, their words of disagreement irritated me, but nonetheless I'm almost 25 and it's been nearly 4-5 years since I decided this. I doubt I'm changing my mind now unless I have a major revelation in my 30s, which I doubt it. I plan on eventually getting my college degree and starting my career. No time for children in that. Maybe I will change my mindset over the next 15-20 years? Who knows? I just dislike being berated for having my own opinion by people that I should be able to trust.

 

My mom is 64... I'm an only child -- am I supposed to feel guilty for not wanting any kids and thus denying her grandchildren? I was recently told this, and it pissed me off.

 

Not really because it's your life too. If you have kids to make your mum happy, then you're going to feel very unhappy. Why should anyone's happiness be more important than another persons?

 

 

It just seems so wrong that a person should be expected to do something which will make them very unhappy in life just to make another person happy in life.

 

It wouldn't be fair on your kids either, to have them only for another persons happiness.

Edited April 12, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[Cypress25]

But in my mind it's kind of hard to get around what seems to be the truth. It kind of is a life of "me" when you choose not to have kids.

 

Choosing not to have kids doesn't mean I'm living a life of "me" and it doesn't mean I'm opposed to giving of myself. I do a lot of volunteer work in my community. I donate to charities and I don't put that on my tax returns so I don't get a refund for it. I give a lot of time and energy and money to other people and animals, without expecting anything in return. I may not have kids but I still give a lot.

 

In fact, that's one of the reasons I don't want kids (I have a lot of reasons). If I had kids, I wouldn't have time to volunteer anymore. Most parents don't do any volunteer work because they're too busy raising their kids.

 

This all just goes to whatever beliefs you have about the purpose we have in life. If you're at all spiritual, then you have to at least entertain the idea of the existence of God and what purpose He might want for us.

 

I'm a spiritual person, but I'm not Christian. I don't believe in a God who wants everyone to procreate. I believe in a different kind of God/Goddess. And I certainly don't believe that having children is the most meaningful thing you can do in life, nor do I believe that people have an obligation to give life. In fact, if every single person on this planet had children, that would be the end of our species. The earth simply does not have the resources to support all those people, especially since humans are responsible for so much pollution and destruction.

[grkBoy]

This is another mindset that I'm trying to understand, sorry if the post comes across as harsh, it's not ment to be.

 

To me selfish is a negative word, it implies that what you're doing is bad or wrong.

 

But how can there be anything bad or wrong with not wanting kids, even if it is for the reason of having more freedom and money, what harm are you causing to anyone?

 

When people call someone selfish for not wanting kids, is it because they are automatically assuming that their partner will want kids and so they're depriving them of having kids? Even if they are depriving their partner of having kids, I still think it's wrong to call them selfish. To me that's no different from calling a woman selfish because her partner doesn't want kids and she wont have an abortion.

 

Thanks.

 

I think it's mainly those who believe that having kids is the ultimate purpose of humans are the ones who yell "you're selfish!"

 

I believe selfish is having kids when you don't want them, or dumping them on nannies and day care so you can attempt to "have it all" (when you could afford to have a SAHP).

 

I don't think it's selfish to say you don't want kids so you can keep a fit body, go on fun trips, go out at night, sleep late on weekends, work insane hours to get ahead, buy expensive toys to play with, etc. It just means you find parenthood less appealing then childfree living.

 

I'd rather see less kids being born in this world, but they're all being born to parents who want them and will raise them right.

[chrissylee]

I

 

 

I don't think it's selfish to say you don't want kids so you can keep a fit body, go on fun trips, go out at night, sleep late on weekends, work insane hours to get ahead, buy expensive toys to play with, etc. It just means you find parenthood less appealing then childfree living.

.

 

I agree with this. I have never and will never want kids for many of the reasons listed above and a few others. I just don't understand how it makes me selfish, because I want to spend my life doing something I enjoy instead of taking care of a kid I don't want.

 

I think alot of the people who call childless people selfish are ones that wish they could have that childfree life again but can't.

[Micki]

I wouldn't worry about it. People will call anything "selfish."

 

For example:

 

Having one child is "selfish."

 

An only child is automatically "selfish."

 

See how stupid that is. Actually, I think the ones who are quick to point fingers and judge are the selfish ones.

[florence of suburbia]

A few months ago my husband and I had a disagreement about this. He said he would never seriously date someone who didn't want children because it was a sign they would also make a selfish partner.

 

I called BS on him because it was in front of the kids and I didn't want it to stand as our shared viewpoint.