My special girlfriend

[single28]

Hello all,

 

My girlfriend and I are dating for 1.5 years and she wants to get married.

Although she's the perfect girl in many respects, I'm afraid to take the step, because she suffers from depression (she goes to therapy and takes meds).

 

I'll tell a bit about myself - My family has issues, too. My mother had depression for decades, and my brother got schizophrenia and eventually committed suicide. I never went to therapy and I guess I can say I'm pretty normal, although my home wasn't quite normal.

 

So when my girl told me about her therapy, I immediately told her that I have no prejudice against mental illness and accepted it. After all, I knew how difficult it was for my brother dealing with the stigma.

 

But only later I figured out what her illness means in daily life. She has mood changes, when she's angry but doesn't really know why. She told me many times she sometimes wish she have never been born, and that she has dark thoughts no one can understand. When she comes across an old friend from school or a relative of the same age she's jealous because the friend has "such a perfect life" so she's down and bitter for the entire day. Everyday she has new ideas about what to study in college but she can't keep a track for more than a semester. She's extremely jealous about other girls, for example when I went for a single-day hike with a gender-mixed group of friends, she kept me on the phone for 45 min and I had to calm her down. I lost most of my female friends because it's just not worth the trouble.

 

On the other hand, she's very giving, always letting me decide what to do, very attractive, sweet, we share hobbies, intelligent (although she can't put it into proper use right now), and I never had a relationship longer than 6 months before her.

 

She doesn't want to drag the relationship for long.

What should I do??

[shorty7]

It sounds like you're both going through college and/or some type of school, which leads me to deduct that you're both very young.

 

On that premise alone, you not being in a position to offer her an engagement she wants on the terms you can satisfy with (meaning that you're capable, as well as mentally AND emotionally ready to take that step) would only make her suffer more.

 

Going into a deeper relationship with someone who has those issues means that you should be going through some type of professional counseling with her (given your family's health record, I think that's probably one of the first things I would have probably considered when she opened up to you about her condition).

 

If you can't put yourself in a position to afford that kind of care or attention to her (this is assuming she can't already provide that for herself and that additional counseling for you two as a couple being provided by yourself or shared with her), I think that's a good indication to you whether you are ready for the next step or not.

 

I don't know where you stand in terms of your own stability. Are you financially/emotionally ready for marriage? Or are you just willing to concede to her wants because you don't want to lose her? I just see that would be how an already rocky relationship could only get worse by forcefully solidifying on soft/maturing and very unstable foundations.

 

Just judging by your description of your behaviour and hers in general, you both seem all too young to even be considering marriage. Another cue for the "maturity" level: Mature individuals are those who can look at others with lives far better than theirs and be able to say, "they have their life, I have my own; I know where my life needs to be and what I want, and what I need to work on to get there." Reading your post, she doesn't seem like she even knows what she wants for herself.

 

Just tell her she's clearly looking for someone to marry NOW and you're just still in the stages of enjoying her company as someone dating her. If she's willing to wait for the relationship to blossom into something special so that you can prepare and mature yourself to BE ready to take her in your life, then that's something that you're willing to work on. (You'll have to be VERY clear that this takes YEARS for some people, and if you're not even willing to work on that as described above, then it's best telling her that she's right in looking for someone who IS ready for that).

 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but, "letting go" is a part of those "maturing" processes, and sorry to say, your girlfriend needs quite a bit of that. (The fact that she says she doesn't want to "drag the relationship too long" seems like a red flag to me too). If she's not willing to stand by to grow with you, the thought that she thinks a marriage would help her do so baffles me.

[CupcakeCrisis]

This girl's got a bucketload of issues. You're right to wonder if you can deal with them. Sure, we all look at others and feel a bit of envy to realize they're doing better than us: but like shorty said, mature adults can keep that in check and realize that every person is on his/her own individual path. Sad to say, though, I have friends who are also in their mid-20s and they still can't comprehend that. Every other person's success is an attack on their sense of self-worth.

 

The mood swings and the like are all concerning. I would try and get more involved in her treatment (like shorty said, even therapy sessions with her) to figure everything out. But her calling you and keeping you on the line out of jealousy when you're in the presence of other women, even in a public, mixed setting, is very suspicious and disconcerting. What about when you're out of college and you have female co-workers with whom you have to interact? How are you going to work that out?

 

She sounds like she needs the engagement solely because she's desperate for security. And given your respective ages (I'm going to guess 18 - 21), there really isn't any sense in getting engaged if you're not going to be planning the wedding yet.

 

She sounds like she really needs a lot of work with her self-esteem. But that's not your responsibility to fix.

[pteromom]

I would let her go.

 

If you can't do that, I would ensure she goes to therapy and finds ways to deal with jealousy and mood swings and such before you marry her.

 

If you move forward with the way things are, you are signing up for a life full of drama...

[NeverDated]

But only later I figured out what her illness means in daily life.

This is good. Many people don't find out about mental illness (or the implications thereof) until the relationship has reached the incredibly serious point.

 

She has mood changes, when she's angry but doesn't really know why.

She does know why, she's just not telling you. If she doesn't know why she's angry, then her anger can become a pathology and pathologies can get attention.

 

She told me many times she sometimes wish she have never been born, and that she has dark thoughts no one can understand.

More attention seeking behavior.

 

When she comes across an old friend from school or a relative of the same age she's jealous because the friend has "such a perfect life" so she's down and bitter for the entire day.

Attention seeking and self-victimization.

 

Everyday she has new ideas about what to study in college but she can't keep a track for more than a semester.

I feel like a broken record. The inability to stick to one thing is either part of her mental disorder(s) or purely fictitious. She's in perpetual crisis mode (attention seeking).

 

She's extremely jealous about other girls, for example when I went for a single-day hike with a gender-mixed group of friends, she kept me on the phone for 45 min and I had to calm her down.

Crisis. Attention. Emotional manipulation.

 

I lost most of my female friends because it's just not worth the trouble.

This borders on emotional abuse. And yes, she set up that situation on purpose.

 

On the other hand, she's very giving, always letting me decide what to do, very attractive, sweet, we share hobbies, intelligent (although she can't put it into proper use right now), and I never had a relationship longer than 6 months before her.

This makes it sound like you feel obligated to do something because of this milestone of a 6 month plus relationship.

 

She doesn't want to drag the relationship for long.

Crisis. Attention. Emotional manipulation. See the pattern?

 

What should I do??

I'd get out now. Your relationship is already based on her tugging at your heart strings and manipulating you to get her way. If you really want to stay in, she needs to go through counselling to deal with her issues and you both need to make an agreement on what your life as a married couple will be like. Jumping into marriage without that plan is disastrous, and it sounds to me like she wants to get married to (a) have "something" she can one-up others with and (b) have "stability."

 

A good friend of mine wanted to get married while she was in college. Her boyfriend then became her fiancee on one simple condition: they both had to outline a list of must haves during their college years and a dream of their life once they tied the knot. When the list was complete and he was in a position to make that life a reality, they would move in together and get married. List is complete, he's very stable financially, she's seven years more mature and has a better understanding of what she wants out of life, and they are both basically debt-free and able to fulfill what they wanted out of the relationship. She was definitely annoyed in those intervening years, mostly because she got the baby bug in her early 20s, but now she's in her late 20s and will have zero regrets as she moves into the next phase of her life. Just a thought.

[Lauriebell82]

You said she goes to therapy, why not go to a therapy session with her and have a couples session to find out why she feels the need to get married right now. Obviously she is struggling and would bring that into a marriage. So processing what her reasoning is (and I'm assuming you guys are young) could help take some of the pressure off of you.

[single28]

Thank you all for the replies!

I should have told you at least our age and place in life:

 

I'm a 28 years old grad student, working part-time as a research assistant. I don't make much and don't spend much, I prefer to take things slowly and enjoy what I do. I'm living outside home with roommates for the last 6 years. She's doesn't seem to have a problem with my income.

 

She's 22, lived with her parents all her life. She comes from a religious home, but she's not so religious herself (I'm agnostic). I'm her first boyfriend, but I had girlfriends before, which might explain some her insecurity. Her family wouldn't let us live together (it's a strong taboo in their conservative community to move in before marriage), which could help me make a choice if it were possible. Her mom & friends are advising and expecting her to get married, and also as you said, she wants to feel secure. Every time one of her friends gets married (usually after less than a year of dating) she's sad, asking what about us, saying perhaps I don't love her enough (I do love her but I also have some concerns).

She's working minimum wage jobs, and trying to find out what she wants to study, or even whether she wants to study at all. She repeatedly try to ask me and her parents whether it's a good idea to study this or that, saying she doesn't want to disappoint us, and I tell her to just do what SHE wants (that's going on for the entire 1.5 years).

 

Her family found her psychologist and psychiatrist, and they're paying the bill. I never discussed her issues with them, although I wanted to, because it's quite embarrassing, I don't know if they want to, and perhaps unfair to her (?) to talk behind her back. If we get married I guess I'll have to take their job in supporting her treatment.

I suggested to her today going to counseling. She was a little offended, asking if we're doing that bad. Then she was worried it's going to be me and the counselor criticizing and attacking her - and she's might be hurt by even minor criticism. But eventually she agreed

I used to separate for myself her bad behavior, which I attribute to her illness (since no normal person would act like that, so extreme) and the "real" her - the wonderful girl she is most of the time. She has about half a day going wrong every week on average. She told me today "You already know how I am, and I'm trying my best. If it's not good enough for you we should just end it now". It was sad for me to hear - I hoped things will get better, but I don't expect it to go all away like I used to.

[Lauriebell82]

Thank you all for the replies!

I should have told you at least our age and place in life:

 

I'm a 28 years old grad student, working part-time as a research assistant. I don't make much and don't spend much, I prefer to take things slowly and enjoy what I do. I'm living outside home with roommates for the last 6 years. She's doesn't seem to have a problem with my income.

 

She's 22, lived with her parents all her life. She comes from a religious home, but she's not so religious herself (I'm agnostic). I'm her first boyfriend, but I had girlfriends before, which might explain some her insecurity. Her family wouldn't let us live together (it's a strong taboo in their conservative community to move in before marriage), which could help me make a choice if it were possible. Her mom & friends are advising and expecting her to get married, and also as you said, she wants to feel secure. Every time one of her friends gets married (usually after less than a year of dating) she's sad, asking what about us, saying perhaps I don't love her enough (I do love her but I also have some concerns).

She's working minimum wage jobs, and trying to find out what she wants to study, or even whether she wants to study at all. She repeatedly try to ask me and her parents whether it's a good idea to study this or that, saying she doesn't want to disappoint us, and I tell her to just do what SHE wants (that's going on for the entire 1.5 years).

 

Her family found her psychologist and psychiatrist, and they're paying the bill. I never discussed her issues with them, although I wanted to, because it's quite embarrassing, I don't know if they want to, and perhaps unfair to her (?) to talk behind her back. If we get married I guess I'll have to take their job in supporting her treatment.

I suggested to her today going to counseling. She was a little offended, asking if we're doing that bad. Then she was worried it's going to be me and the counselor criticizing and attacking her - and she's might be hurt by even minor criticism. But eventually she agreed

I used to separate for myself her bad behavior, which I attribute to her illness (since no normal person would act like that, so extreme) and the "real" her - the wonderful girl she is most of the time. She has about half a day going wrong every week on average. She told me today "You already know how I am, and I'm trying my best. If it's not good enough for you we should just end it now". It was sad for me to hear - I hoped things will get better, but I don't expect it to go all away like I used to.

 

Honestly OP, this may be the best that she can do to control it. She already goes to counseling and takes meds. I have mentally ill mother myself, so I know it's not always easy, especially with extreme mood fluctuations. But I think you may have to decide if you can accept her current behavior and live with it on a daily basis...

[MidnightinMadrid]

I know it sounds simple but listen to what your heart tells you,Perhaps you don't want to take a huge step committing to someone with mental illness. You have every right to do that. In the news one hears of tragic story where it was because of mental illness,such as the Andrea Yates story. That may be extreme but someone with such self-loathing may not only do harm to others but themselves. If your gut says not to you should listen to it,and be honest.

[NeverDated]

I agree with Lauriebell. That is probably the most you can expect from her, not because she isn't trying, but because she is doing all she is presently capable of doing. Note: just in case you think I'm being harsh or overly judgmental, the woman you are describing is my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, right down to the minimum wage job/college troubles and purposeful alienation of female friends. I read your posts and, had it not been for age, would think you were talking about the exact same person. It's a fairly common pattern for people suffering from major depression and personality disorders.

 

Reading your follow-up clarification, it's seeming more and more clear that your girlfriend has a pattern of manipulation and self-victimization. That is not to say she is doing it maliciously, or even consciously, but by your own account she always requests validation and depends heavily on her parents financially and emotionally. Her refusal to do something as simple as pick a major without taking a poll (and even after taking a poll) suggests she doesn't want to be at fault for a poor decision; instead, she passes the decision making off on someone else so, when it goes wrong, she can point the blaming finger elsewhere.

 

In short, your 22 year old girlfriend is still acting like a 15 year old girl. Incapable of decision making, handling consequences and managing her own life.

 

I would guess she views marriage as a way to "fix" her life and resolve her disorders - once in wedded bliss, all her problems will disappear. Do not expect this to change. It will probably only get worse if you get married. You will make all the decisions and be at fault when they go wrong; you will be the reason her life isn't ideal; you will be expected to support her (financially, emotionally, etc.) and solve her problems. And I'm also guessing from the tone of your posts that you already know this, but just can't decide if it's worth it.

[whichwayisup]

Hello all,

 

My girlfriend and I are dating for 1.5 years and she wants to get married.

Although she's the perfect girl in many respects, I'm afraid to take the step, because she suffers from depression (she goes to therapy and takes meds).

 

I'll tell a bit about myself - My family has issues, too. My mother had depression for decades, and my brother got schizophrenia and eventually committed suicide. I never went to therapy and I guess I can say I'm pretty normal, although my home wasn't quite normal.

 

So when my girl told me about her therapy, I immediately told her that I have no prejudice against mental illness and accepted it. After all, I knew how difficult it was for my brother dealing with the stigma.

 

But only later I figured out what her illness means in daily life. She has mood changes, when she's angry but doesn't really know why. She told me many times she sometimes wish she have never been born, and that she has dark thoughts no one can understand. When she comes across an old friend from school or a relative of the same age she's jealous because the friend has "such a perfect life" so she's down and bitter for the entire day. Everyday she has new ideas about what to study in college but she can't keep a track for more than a semester. She's extremely jealous about other girls, for example when I went for a single-day hike with a gender-mixed group of friends, she kept me on the phone for 45 min and I had to calm her down. I lost most of my female friends because it's just not worth the trouble.

 

On the other hand, she's very giving, always letting me decide what to do, very attractive, sweet, we share hobbies, intelligent (although she can't put it into proper use right now), and I never had a relationship longer than 6 months before her.

 

She doesn't want to drag the relationship for long.

What should I do??

 

If you love her and are ready for an up and down 'life' with her, you're going to need A LOT of love, patience, care and understanding... Patience... Did I say patience?

 

This is a forever thing. And since mental illness is on both sides (hers and yours) there's a pretty good chance your kids will have some sort of issues. Doesn't mean it'll be depression, but it could be some form of OCD, anxiety etc..

 

She will be your wife, but you'll feel (eventually) like her parent. Looking after her and dealing with the fallout of her depression. (google depression fallout, lots of helpful information on that site as well as an e-book that you can download).

[single28]

I always thought it's either going to get better or stay the same. But now I realize there's a third option

The way I deal with her jealousy is simply to bring her to every social event I attend, or at least invite her. But I stopped going to social gathering where she's not also invited - it gets her too angry. And frankly I just hate those long conversations afterwards calming her down slowly, by saying again and again "It's all right, don't worry, nothing happened, I love you and you alone..."

I hope our genetics aren't bad for future children. But nobody have perfect genes, right? Heart attack, cancer, everybody has in his family.

So I've decided not to decide yet! I used to talk to her about our future together as if we're going to get married, and now I've brought up the option of breaking up, so the dynamics are changing.

[Lauriebell82]

So I've decided not to decide yet! I used to talk to her about our future together as if we're going to get married, and now I've brought up the option of breaking up, so the dynamics are changing.

 

Okay, what are you going to say when she brings up the topic of marriage? Does she do that frequently? I mean you can't put her off FOREVER, that's not really fair. You can leave things the way they are for now, however it doesn't sound like patience is her strong suit or that she has rational thinking patterns, therefore a "lets not make any decisions right now" MOST likely won't satisfy her long term. Just something to think about...

[NeverDated]

The way I deal with her jealousy is simply to bring her to every social event I attend, or at least invite her. But I stopped going to social gathering where she's not also invited - it gets her too angry. And frankly I just hate those long conversations afterwards calming her down slowly, by saying again and again "It's all right, don't worry, nothing happened, I love you and you alone..."

Can't you see how you're experiencing a type of Stockholm Syndrome? She has conditioned you to say these things so many times that you don't even question if they're true.

 

Committed, loving relationships are freeing. Each party feels stronger because of the person they are with, whether that person is physically present or not. You shouldn't have to reassure her for hours on end that everything is fine. You should be able to attend an event with little more than a pout or complaint that after so long she isn't de facto invited, and call her afterward to tell her how it went with little more reassurance than "It would have been better if you were with me."

 

Please do not fall into the trap of saying, "We can get married if..." You should only enter into the marriage discussion when there are no deal-breakers, if you know you can live with her day in and day out just as she is. The biggest mistake people make it trying to "change" or "improve" their partner. She is as you found her, and you can take it or leave it at that, but pushing off the inevitable by not making a decision is only increasing her co-dependence and giving her hope that there's a happy future where there clearly isn't.

[brokenTom]

Dear single28,

 

I was in the same boat as you: GF with depression, thought us moving forward with things other "normal" people did would cure her anxiety, etc... it lasted 3 years until one day out-of-the-blue a jealous rage got so bad she started really laying the attacks down hard. Like you, I loved my GF, gave her support, always patience, kind, reassuring. Also, like you, I was cautious, being careful not to make promises I wasn't comfortable giving. Things have to happen for the right reasons, correct?

 

I can't tell you what to do because it's only been 6 months since our breakup and I'm still trying to figure it all out for myself. We did almost start going to couples counseling and felt that might help. We probably should have started MUCH sooner, because it might have saved the relationship. Either that or it would have helped us realize it wasn't going to work out saved it from dragging on for too long.

 

The fact you are here seeking help shows us you love her and want the best, so I commend you on that, don't beat yourself up.

 

I wish you both the best/

[rickys]

Think about it..What a man wants from his partner?

..exactly that she support him at every difficult stage... You don't have control on your diseases.

If you ask me, will say that you must marry her.......

[single28]

She also used to go over my cell when I was in the bathroom, until it became too routine and she asked too many questions about every SMS and call, so I told her to stop. Maybe she still does it but at least she's ashamed enough to hide it

 

I still think there might be a bright future. Perhaps some different meds can solve everything.. Is it not OK to drag it? After all she is young.

 

She asked me what are the chances we'll get married, I answered 80%, and she said in that case we should break up! Does this mean she's rushing to get married or that she's not so afraid to break up? I hope my answer didn't insult her...

[Lauriebell82]

She also used to go over my cell when I was in the bathroom, until it became too routine and she asked too many questions about every SMS and call, so I told her to stop. Maybe she still does it but at least she's ashamed enough to hide it

 

I still think there might be a bright future. Perhaps some different meds can solve everything.. Is it not OK to drag it? After all she is young.

 

She asked me what are the chances we'll get married, I answered 80%, and she said in that case we should break up! Does this mean she's rushing to get married or that she's not so afraid to break up? I hope my answer didn't insult her...

 

Maybe different meds would help, but it will not take away her mental illness. And what if she stopped taking them? My mom does that a lot. She was on a medication one time that really helped her, then stopped taking it because it gave her a rash. So you can't ever count on medication to keep her "sane." No matter what, you will need to live with her mental illness.

 

I don't know if she is rushing to get married or break up, but she probably was a bit freaked out that you didn't say 100% you wanted to marry her. In her mind that probably means you don't accept her and fuels her insecurities. Again, it goes back to acceptance of her mental illness. This behavior is part of it.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like she has very low self-esteem, probably because of the illness but there could be other reasons in the background too. She's probably all too aware that she's not achieving the things someone of her age and talents would be. She can't control her mood swings and knows they are interfering with her life. It's a horrible place for her to be basically. However, trying to control you isn't the solution and you don't want to end up being co-dependent. Going to therapy with her might help but maybe it would be best if it was with a different therapist so that her safe place with her own therapist isn't threatened in any way. I think you're in a really difficult situation but you clearly love her. Having a mental illness doesn't make someone unlovable but the path won't be easy. Things may get better as she matures and learns to manage the symptoms better. Good treatment when she needs it is very important though and access to a therapist is going to matter.

[2sure]

You are familiar with this type of illness, behavior, and dysfunction because of your family history. For you, growing up...this was your "Normal"...go for a different kind of normal and see how you like it.