We were unexpected lovers - we both are females

[ReneeMalcolm]

Hi there - this is the first time in my life I'm divulging details regarding my emotional attachment, so please do forgive me if I convey my story clumsily.

 

The thing is, sometimes it isn't the easiest thing to talk about with friends and after mulling over this issue for months and months, I finally succumbed to the internet and thought I needed to come out with the truth and subsequently would love feedback and advice on my rather poignant situation.

 

I'll be completely candid and open and cut to the chase rather than producing a lengthy narrative. I'm a 27 year old female and I fell in love with a girl (similar age as mine) last year. We were friends and that is how it started. She was going through a divorce and has two kids. So I started helping her with job issues etc not knowing anything at all about her private life or reasons for her separation. I was only believing what she was telling me which is that her husband was a womanizer. Anyhow, even though I loved her, I did not convey my true feelings to her as I deemed it inappropriate for numerous reasons. She however was much bolder than I am and declared her love for me rather passionately last year telling me she had a dream about me and saw us kissing. She said she wanted to kiss me a number of times after that, but for one reason or another that did not eventuate. Mainly because I was hesitant. In my eyes, sincerity was the most important factor, passion came later. But even though I had my doubts about her I continued to love her. I waited for my blackberry to flicker knowing she would bbm me; I looked at her photos on Facebook admiring her beauty, I spent (and still spend) hours and hours thinking about her. In many ways I feel I was and still am crazy about her. She kept emphasising that she was madly in love with me and sent me messages all day long saying I was 'sexy' and this and that which really made me feel special. One night when we were bbming, we both lost control and lapsed into a sexual conversation. Even though it was just a conversation I fell even more deeply in love with her.

 

To cut a long story short - I found out soon after that that the reason why she was going through a divorce was because she was having an adulterous affair with a man, which she more or less admitted to. I was heartbroken and broke up with her. But after that she messaged me again saying that she never lied and she wanted me in her life forever and I kept believing her. But everytime I confronted her she would just lash out. Just recently I bumped into her and we spoke cordially. I then phoned her the next day to speak to her about the whole situation but she hung up and send me a message saying that she had two kids and she could not be with me, to which I responded and said what exactly was she doing last year and she said that she had realised and she had to control herself. She said she did not want to loose me as a friend. I however felt disprescted and used by her entire attitude so I sent one last message saying that we were not friends since in frienship respect and sympathy are the two vital ingredients which she had never shown me.

 

I miss her very much now. I don't know what to do. She has shown me her true colours. She has a very different lifestyle to mine and I cannot change her. I am a very quiet, sensitive and intellectual person who values friendships and I have never had a relationship in my life ever with a man nor a woman. She on the other hand is boisterous, bossy and has had many affairs.

 

How should I get her out of my system?

 

Many thanks!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I can certainly identify your vulnerability in letting it all out here, about what is indeed not a puzzle you can easily submit to those in your real environs.

 

Firstly, I think you would do very well to separate that which is your own personal investment in this woman, from the independent acts and deeds perpetrated by her the individual.

 

You yourself naturally evolved to invest more and more of your time and energy helping this woman basically recover from her divorce/separation, and it felt rewarding in various ways to be doing just that. Eventually you were investing your emotions too, and it doesn't matter too much that you'd never identified as a woman who could love another woman.

 

Some of how you've been affected here is the product of your not having had other avenues through which to invest your romantic feelings by age 27.

 

So, observe that most of your reactions to, and interactions with the woman are perfectly valid. Separate from that are the various, independent-of-you traits known to the woman as an individual, and it seems pretty clear that many of those are unsavory. (she cheated on her husband, she has been misleading you, etc.)

 

Those would be the first, small steps toward finding an emotional way out of what you're feeling. Time will help, as would meeting more new individuals (for any purpose) than you presently tend to meet.

[ReneeMalcolm]

Dear SincereOnlineGuy

 

Thank you so much for your response and most importantly thank you for understanding my predicament.

 

I completely agree with your analysis and the fact that I've lived a pretty sheltered life and that is why am finding it difficult to forget that girl. I also agree that I should meet new people. The thing is that I do meet people given the profession that I'm in, but it isn't always easy to develop feelings for someone new. Of course that takes time and it has to be mutual. I suppose all I can do is to wait and things will fall into place when the time is right.

 

Once again, many thanks!