Barrsitter Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 I justified the entering into and continuation of my A because I believed that my xMM and I were soul-mates and therefore ought to be together and that my xMM and his wife were not soul-mates and therefore ought not to be together. I do still believe in soul-mates, just not that the existence of soul-mates should give me license to continue in something that is ethically and morally wrong (in my world) ie. an affair with xMM. I was swept away by my damnable emotions. Lesson One: When one engages in something that one knows is wrong, one must come up with justifications for it, otherwise why would one do it? Without justifications, there is too much cognitive dissonance. Justifications then become necessary and keep one in the wrong place until objectivity kicks in and rationale thought returns. Thus, the importance of the "silence of NC" (Fight Club - forever in your debt). That is something I figured out this weekend thanks to some very insightful posters here on LS. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 I hope this helps you along the healing pathway. It's great how much work you've done, reached out too to help you get to a better place. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Fitz Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) I justified the entering into and continuation of my A because I believed that my xMM and I were soul-mates and therefore ought to be together and that my xMM and his wife were not soul-mates and therefore ought not to be together. I do still believe in soul-mates, just not that the existence of soul-mates should give me license to continue in something that is ethically and morally wrong (in my world) ie. an affair with xMM. I was swept away by my damnable emotions. Lesson One: When one engages in something that one knows is wrong, one must come up with justifications for it, otherwise why would one do it? Without justifications, there is too much cognitive dissonance. Justifications then become necessary and keep one in the wrong place until objectivity kicks in and rationale thought returns. Thus, the importance of the "silence of NC" (Fight Club - forever in your debt). That is something I figured out this weekend thanks to some very insightful posters here on LS. I'd like to point out that the belief in a "soul mate" is another way in which people validate their affairs. Its another crutch that people use to justify their behavior. These people believe a cosmic power is behind their affair, or that it's destiny, "karma", or fate. Beliefs like this allow one to ignore the guilt of what they are doing so they can continue the affair without compunction. These people remove themselves from blame by saying the affair is the result of the cosmos, or the stars aligning, or some hidden magic power. But the reality is that there is no such thing as a Santa claus, a unicorn, or a soul mate. And life is no Julia Roberts movie. There is a spectrum of people you are compatible with. Some better than others. Some worse. Sure, kissing a really "compatible" person might feel like magic. Sure, having sex with them might feel like the earth is moving. But it doesn't mean your "souls" are cosmically linked. It just means you were lucky enough to find someone to share yourself with. Edited April 2, 2012 by Fitz 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FightClub Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 You are very welcome my dear! I hope through the process of seeing everything that you're able to make your way closer to the answers and within that you can really appreciate the person you've become through this whole time in your life. Being at peace with everything will be definitely push you toward the goal of happiness, away from the pain of yesterday. -FC 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 I'd like to point out that the belief in a "soul mate" is another way in which people validate their affairs. Its another crutch that people use to justify their behavior. These people believe a cosmic power is behind their affair, or that it's destiny, "karma", or fate. Beliefs like this allow one to ignore the guilt of what they are doing so they can continue the affair without compunction. These people remove themselves from blame by saying the affair is the result of the cosmos, or the stars aligning, or some hidden magic power. But the reality is that there is no such thing as a Santa claus, a unicorn, or a soul mate. And life is no Julia Roberts movie. There is a spectrum of people you are compatible with. Some better than others. Some worse. Sure, kissing a really "compatible" person might feel like magic. Sure, having sex with them might feel like the earth is moving. But it doesn't mean your "souls" are cosmically linked. It just means you were lucky enough to find someone to share yourself with. Agree with what you are saying. I think that each and everyone of us do things (that are not good) and justify it. I think we really need to always take a deep dive into what our intentions are to see if what we are doing is the right thing or just something we justifiy in our head. We see OW/OM on here that have justified their A's by being soul mates. We see BS on here that are threatening to call the OW/OM BS to make sure they know what they are dealing with. We see OW/OM threatening to call BS to tell them what they are dealing with, etc etc. When a lot of the times, these are done for the sake of "doing the right thing", they are done to hurt the other person. We all need to take a hard long look at ourselves and truly find what our motives are. If it is that you just want to hurt the b***h, then say it. Don't sugar coat it with "its what I should do". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FightClub Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) I'd like to point out that the belief in a "soul mate" is another way in which people validate their affairs. Its another crutch that people use to justify their behavior. These people believe a cosmic power is behind their affair, or that it's destiny, "karma", or fate. Beliefs like this allow one to ignore the guilt of what they are doing so they can continue the affair without compunction. These people remove themselves from blame by saying the affair is the result of the cosmos, or the stars aligning, or some hidden magic power. But the reality is that there is no such thing as a Santa claus, a unicorn, or a soul mate. And life is no Julia Roberts movie. There is a spectrum of people you are compatible with. Some better than others. Some worse. Sure, kissing a really "compatible" person might feel like magic. Sure, having sex with them might feel like the earth is moving. But it doesn't mean your "souls" are cosmically linked. It just means you were lucky enough to find someone to share yourself with. Fitz, I see what you're saying and you make valid points but I'd like to point out that in Barsitters original thread, this same topic spilled out onto numerous pages that had nothing to do with her original point, which was that she was feeling down and was expressing how she felt. Really looking into 'everything, it is the 'soul mate' tag, etc that justifies an affair but it's the time out of the affair that helps a person come to a better conclusion, it happened due to certain actions, poor choices and unkept boundaries. So, let's agree that while that may be true, the debate should be reserved for another thread. Only mentioning this because the same thing happened with her original thread, that's probably why she made this one. She understands it, now is her time to work through it. -FC Edited April 2, 2012 by FightClub 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KeepMeInMind Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 The key is personal responsibility. You can believe in whatever you want and you can feel whatever you feel, but you can ONLY blame yourself for your actions. Believing in soul connections, cosmic forces, whatever..doesn't automatically mean you don't take responsibility for your actions. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 Fitz, You don't believe in soul mates, which is your right. I do believe in it, but that is not the point of my post here. I wish you would stay on topic and make your points without all the condemnation towards others who have a different view than yours. Your sarcasm weakens your argument and is disrespectful to people who are just trying to find some support here. Peace....B 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 But the reality is that there is no such thing as a Santa claus, You really didn't have to go there, did you? No need to be cruel! Fantastic post! Link to post Share on other sites
Fitz Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Fitz, I see what you're saying and you make valid points but I'd like to point out that in Barsitters original thread, this same topic spilled out onto numerous pages that had nothing to do with her original point, which was that she was feeling down and was expressing how she felt. Really looking into 'everything, it is the 'soul mate' tag, etc that justifies an affair but it's the time out of the affair that helps a person come to a better conclusion, it happened due to certain actions, poor choices and unkept boundaries. So, let's agree that while that may be true, the debate should be reserved for another thread. Only mentioning this because the same thing happened with her original thread, that's probably why she made this one. She understands it, now is her time to work through it. -FC If we use your rules, -then you must realize that the OP was the first one to go off-topic by starting off this very thread with a full paragraph about "soul mates" and her continued belief in them! So I'm not supposed to respond to the first half of the original post? OK. Fine by me. I'm willing to agree. But by your logic, FC, the OP should have simply started with "Lesson one" and left the first paragraph out. Instead of kicking up the ol' "soul mate" dust. But to the OP, I do want to express my enthusiasm for your continued growth. I'm not here to de-rail your thread. I don't mean t cause any harm, and I do thank you for sharing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FightClub Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) Fitz, I'm only saying that she used the term 'soul-mates' to give her feelings some weight, perhaps if the term was different it would make more sense, in other words that she feels a connection with this person i.e. her way to adapt that feeling is using the 'soul-mates' connection. I have no rule-set and I agree with your post, don't take it the wrong way, I just see it as her making a statement outside of a long debate in her other thread. If my post came off the wrong way, I apologize for the misunderstanding. My purpose was to note that she'll figure out in time, if it's really a 'soul-mate' connection or as I stated above, a series of events that lead to the path that she took in an affair. It's something she has to see for herself over time. I highly encourage you to start a new topic about 'soul-mates,' because I did find your post truthful from the belief and thoughts about the topic. No offense intended. -FC Edited April 2, 2012 by FightClub Link to post Share on other sites
Fitz Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Is there anything else you think you might have learned OP? A lesson two perhaps? (please, don't read this as sarcastic. No sarcasm intended) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) Agree with FC. In this thread, I only wanted to take responsibility for my actions instead of excusing them on something else, for example, my belief in soul mates. Thank you in any event, for your encouragement for my personal growth. Lesson Two? Spend more time in the here and now instead of in the future that may or may not happen. Less time in dreamland conjuring up how I want things to be and more time in reality-land accepting things as they really are. Edited April 2, 2012 by Barrsitter Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Agree with FC. In this thread, I only wanted to take responsibility for my actions instead of excusing them on something else, for example, my belief in soul mates. Thank you in any event, for your encouragement for my personal growth. Lesson Two? Spend more time in the here and now instead of in the future that may or may not happen. Less time in dreamland conjuring up how I want things to be and more time in reality-land accepting things as they really are. Good for you Barsitter. It sounds like you are on your way. The only thing any of us truly has control over is the here and now. We can't control the future, we can only minimize our risk physically, emotionally and financially by taking care of ourselves. Living in the moment gives us the power to choose how we feel. For instance, if your stuck in traffic, you can choose to be miserable or you can put on the music you love, let it take you away and enjoy the momentary break...the choice is yours. Hang in there Barsitter, you're doing great. You will have set backs now and then, but just view them as that...little set backs. They will pass and you will feel even better than before. Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 That is something I figured out this weekend thanks to some very insightful posters here on LS. IMO you should lead off with "the soulmate myth is a lie" and work outward from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl2 Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 I'd like to point out that the belief in a "soul mate" is another way in which people validate their affairs. Its another crutch that people use to justify their behavior. These people believe a cosmic power is behind their affair, or that it's destiny, "karma", or fate. Beliefs like this allow one to ignore the guilt of what they are doing so they can continue the affair without compunction. These people remove themselves from blame by saying the affair is the result of the cosmos, or the stars aligning, or some hidden magic power. But the reality is that there is no such thing as a Santa claus, a unicorn, or a soul mate. And life is no Julia Roberts movie. There is a spectrum of people you are compatible with. Some better than others. Some worse. Sure, kissing a really "compatible" person might feel like magic. Sure, having sex with them might feel like the earth is moving. But it doesn't mean your "souls" are cosmically linked. It just means you were lucky enough to find someone to share yourself with. Barr already said she justified everything. I am sure she is well aware of removing herlself from blame... GG Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Barr, That's great news. I too believed and justified my A based on being "soul mates". But when out of the A long enough you realize that it's a contradiction of sorts. If xMM were really my soulmate, we'd be together today, plain and simple. I do love him still...from afar and that's okay as long as I exercise my judgement and not let those emotions lead me down the wrong path. I still believe in soul mates. Call me crazy but that term refers to a person who gets me and I him. XMM doesn't get me and I certainly don't get him. That's why he's M with someone esle and I'm where I am without him. I realized that to truly declare someone my "soulmate", I should be on my death bed and have enough happy years behind me with that person to be certain. Perhaps as BW says, I may declare 3 soul mates!!! I still have plenty of time for love. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 Even though I had no business being with my xMM and had no valid justification for doing so, I still love him and miss him very much. And I know that we would have a rich, fulfilling life together. I hope someday he will be free to be with me, but I'm not waiting for him. I will never trash his reputation or think poorly of him. I loved him a long time ago. I love him now and I will always love him no matter where he is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 Nemo...we all have many soul mates (see my new thread on this). And I like your enthusiastic hope for new love! I hope for that as well Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Fate, soulmate!!!!!!!! No I don't think so...it's just MM wants different pu...! When it boils down to it....IMO....it's about the sex........He is tired of the same old at home.... Sorry.... Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Fitz, You don't believe in soul mates, which is your right. I do believe in it, but that is not the point of my post here. I wish you would stay on topic and make your points without all the condemnation towards others who have a different view than yours. Your sarcasm weakens your argument and is disrespectful to people who are just trying to find some support here. Peace....B sitter..what did you expect with your original post? If everyone here is going to have the same opinion, then this wouldn't be much of a help forum now would it? I didn't find his post off topic or condemning at all, he just didn't agree with the soul mate stuff. If you don't like the responses, don't post to solicit them...simple. Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Even though I had no business being with my xMM and had no valid justification for doing so, I still love him and miss him very much. And I know that we would have a rich, fulfilling life together. I hope someday he will be free to be with me, but I'm not waiting for him. I will never trash his reputation or think poorly of him. I loved him a long time ago. I love him now and I will always love him no matter where he is. Barr, I think your wise in your thinking. You are not settling for anything less than what you deserve. There are often times of "right person, wrong time". I for one appreciate your honesty here. And wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
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