MertzMan Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Here's my story. I need help and advice. I am recently married, two weeks now and Im having a huge breakdown. I love my wife and I am afraid of losing her. Last summer, while engaged, I talked with an ex. The ex i was dating when I met my wife, and dropped cold turkey on the curb. I always felt bad about that and as a result talked to her on the net from time to time. Last summer, while engaged, we talked on the net. She sent me some questionable photos which I have long since deleted. She even gave me phone sex on one occaision. I wasnt attracted to her, or fantasizing about her, but using her words to get off. It was wrong, I used her, and I risked my relationship with my wife. Then, two months later, after more net talk, we met up. We sat in my car, and she wanted action. I didnt. She put my hand on her breast, and i took it away. I then touched her down there, but only briefly. That was it, I couldnt do it, so I asked her to leave. 7 Months later, Im now married, and feeling very guilty. I told my wife about the meeting, but left off the worst details. It crushed her, and I feel horrible. I talked to the ex, and she said she is over me, and doesnt want me back. She said I need to move on and forget the past, but I cant. Im obsession over my indescretion. I feel awful. I am taking my vow very seriously, and will never dishonor or lie to my wife again, yet I cant tell her all that happened last summer. Its tearing me up inside. Should I tell her, or forget the past, forgive myself and move on? I need help bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Originally posted by MertzMan Should I tell her, or forget the past, forgive myself and move on? I need help bad. I think you should forget the past and move on. I don't think telling your wife would serve any purpose other than making her feel bad. You need to resolve your guilt about this on your own. Yes, you did some questionable things, but it seems that you realize that, and you don't have any interest in doing something like that again. I say move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MertzMan Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 I really appreciate your advice. My problem is I am obsessed with the guilt. I feel so awful about going behind my wife's back....I truly love and want to honor her, and it hurts inside that I did those horrible things. Beyond that, its not fair to my ex. She needs to move on, and me calling her to reassure myself is wrong. Why is guilt so hard to overcome? And when I look into my wife's eyes and see her pain, it causes me pain 10 times worse knowing I caused it. Im trying to let it go and use it as a life expierence, but its hard. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 I think it admirable that you want to make this up to your wife and you feel so badly about it. Yes, what you did was wrong BUT you weren't married (I think I read that correctly) and I can't for the life of me see what good it did your poor wife to hear about this?? To me you are feeling "the guilts" (and truly you are sorta making a mountain out of a mole hill about what went on between you and the other chick..JMO...it was very wrong BUT it went no further AND you aren't doing that while married)...... and it makes your guilt better when confessing HOWEVER it's not making your wife feel that great so I think you are being selfish to want to keep on about it and give her details! Since you've posted it here, let that be enough confessing on your part and for your wife's sake. Plus, leave the other chick alone, why bother her, she's over you and to her it wasn't that big of a deal anymore....you've confessed some, your wife wants you still and the other chick doesn't...move on and stop wallowing in this and make things up to your wife! Link to post Share on other sites
thecake Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 You sound young...is this your first marriage? I agree with everyone else...no need to feel guilty if you weren't married at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MertzMan Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 Im 26, and yes its my first marriage. No we weren't married then, but we were engaged. And shouldnt engaged people have no doubts or questions, and honor one another like married people? Cheating (I feel like I cheated) is wrong in any serious relationship. I just cant stop punishing myself. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Originally posted by MertzMan Im 26, and yes its my first marriage. No we weren't married then, but we were engaged. And shouldnt engaged people have no doubts or questions, and honor one another like married people? Cheating (I feel like I cheated) is wrong in any serious relationship. I just cant stop punishing myself. It would be nice if engagement were all that but in fact it is a time for those doubts and questions to be worked out so that when the couple is married, it's out of their system (so to speak) You didn't break your marriage vows!! Stop punishing yourself because it's also punishing your wife and your relationship, calm down and chill out...it was a year ago and it's over... Link to post Share on other sites
thecake Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Well, yes – I think once you become engaged you shouldn't have any doubts or questions about that person. But, people get married for so many reasons other than love these days it gets confusing. So, initially you kept up contact with you ex out of guilt, right? You felt bad for dumping her when you met your wife, so you were trying to make the ex feel better by e-mailing, etc. And, NOW you feel guilty because you cheated on your fiancée with your ex. Just let it go….the more you tell your wife the more problems you’ll have in this new marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MertzMan Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 I almost feel like you all are breaking me out of my funk. Its been 4 days now of going to bed troubled, and waking up with it on my mind...this morning i almost puked cuz of the tightness in my stomach. So I shouldnt worry about my wife emailing or calling my ex? I dont think she would, but you never know. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Originally posted by MertzMan I almost feel like you all are breaking me out of my funk. Its been 4 days now of going to bed troubled, and waking up with it on my mind...this morning i almost puked cuz of the tightness in my stomach. So I shouldnt worry about my wife emailing or calling my ex? I dont think she would, but you never know. Ask her if she is...but then afterwards, just let it go....keeping on about it will just make it worse....actually your wife really doesn't have a need to call or e-mail the ex....the ex wants to be left alone and surely doesn't need to be brought into this.. Calm down, take a deep breath and be glad this didn't happen when you were married and that it's over and done with....to you it seems like a very big deal but on the outside looking in...it really isn't.....you didn't mess up while married...that's more than alot of us could say! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MertzMan Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 But you do see where Im coming from right? What if the wife has doubts about my story, or feels hurt and wants to check for herself. I guess the ex saying she wouldnt respond should be comforting, but you know how this could go....wfie insults the ex, ex fires back in anger....it could get ugly. Its weird that even the ex is telling me (Nicely, not with anger) I should move on and be happy with my new marriage, and stop calling her...she even said that. She said calling her just keeps the past alive...why cant i see that its over and move on? That is the question. Mental! Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Originally posted by MertzMan But you do see where Im coming from right? What if the wife has doubts about my story, or feels hurt and wants to check for herself. I guess the ex saying she wouldnt respond should be comforting, but you know how this could go....wfie insults the ex, ex fires back in anger....it could get ugly. Its weird that even the ex is telling me (Nicely, not with anger) I should move on and be happy with my new marriage, and stop calling her...she even said that. She said calling her just keeps the past alive...why cant i see that its over and move on? That is the question. Mental! I totally understand where you're coming from...even much more but I'm afraid you are really over-reacting. Everything you bring up such as what if my wife doubts my story or feels hurts or wants to check for herself...then you add another whole scenario of insults and firing back....You really are causing yourself a world of pain and stress over something that may not happen.... Stop talking to ex, that's the ONLY thing you've done wrong since you've been married....don't bring it up to your wife unless she does AND start making it up to her (without it being obvious you are making it up to her )....you're in a guilt rut and it's time to get out because everything is over and done with. The hardest thing in the world we can do sometimes is to forgive ourselves BUT if we do, we are actually making things better for the people we hurt! Calm down and enjoy your life!! Link to post Share on other sites
thecake Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 it sounds to me like you're more worried about the fact that your wife is going to call your ex and find out more details than you are actually feeling "guilty" about what happened....? That makes more sense. You should definitely stop calling your ex.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author MertzMan Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 Well yeah, I guess you could say both are true. I feel guilty about what happened, but feel like I could move on as long as the issue remains history. I guess I am worried that If I dont bring it up, and it comes up later its going to bite me when I've moved on and we are happy again. Its sorta like should I get it all out now and risk everything, or hope it never comes up and move on? Link to post Share on other sites
thecake Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 I don't think you should say another word about it....did you say your wife keeps bringing it up? I may have missed that....but just concentrate on being happy and as time goes on "if" your wife learns more about it hopefully it won't be that big of a deal if you have been being a great husband to her....she'll understand it was something that happened in the past...hopefully. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MertzMan Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 Well, I just told her about the visit on friday, and she's getting over that. She isnt really bringing it up other than saying "how can you risk our relationship for her" and stuff like that. She's hurt, that I can tell for sure, but seems to be getting better. It takes her a long time to forgive and feel better about herself. Link to post Share on other sites
thecake Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Again...concentrate on your wife and show her by your actions WHY you wanted to marry her...not words...your ACTIONS. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Cake has good advice! LISTEN!! Please for your wife's sake, don't say another word or give one small detail to her about what all happened. In cases like this, ignorance is bliss. You may feel better with a full confession BUT it will just break her heart and again, it was during your engagement not during your marriage...move on for her sake! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MertzMan Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 Im starting to believe you two. I need to move on and forget about the past. We were engaged, BUT maybe I needed the closure with the ex...who knows. Do you honestly think she'll never find out....and as a result be better off not knowing? Cuz I do believe we will have a long happy life together. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Originally posted by MertzMan Im starting to believe you two. I need to move on and forget about the past. We were engaged, BUT maybe I needed the closure with the ex...who knows. Do you honestly think she'll never find out....and as a result be better off not knowing? Cuz I do believe we will have a long happy life together. It took you telling her for her to find out what she knows....the ex isn't interested anymore so she wouldn't get anything out of telling....you are going to give your wife a world of hurt if you tell anymore.... Again, it was a bad thing to do and no one would like for the person they are engaged to, to do this to them but truly, you hear of worse things going on at Bachelor parties!! Y'all have just been married two weeks, don't mar this wonderful honeymoon period with any more true confessions... I'm just curious....why did you pick NOW to tell her? When did you start feeling guilty? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MertzMan Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 Well, I believe once I took the vow I realized how bad I felt. I realized this woman is now my wife, my other half, part of me, and I owed her the truth. I felt so bad. Not to mention I felt bad immediately after the incidents, but I buried it. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 MertMan, Take a look at my favorite qoutes. One of them in particular is the one about one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you're pissin' on today. Let it go, you've confessed to us, now confess to God or your higher power whatever that may be......we are human, we make mistakes and there isn't anybody who hasn't. Some believe, ( And I agree ), that there is no such thing as one sin greater than the next. So speeding is just as bad as say murder, ( I know that's taking it to the extreme but you understand my point ). Some things are better left unsaid, you've felt sick about it long enough. Hope you start to feel better bud. Sincerely, Moose Link to post Share on other sites
Author MertzMan Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 Moose, Thanks man. Im amazed. Ive been obsessing over this for the last 4 days. The guilt, the worrying about her finding out....guess what? Today im cured. This board is great. Im going to hang around here and look for advice on my marriage as I go. Thanks to you all. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 MertMan, That's awesome!!! Now, a plug for the board.....when I found it and it helped me through some problems, I whipped out the ole credit card and sent in some money....doesn't have to much.....10-20 bucks.....it would really help to keep the forum around... Thanks Moose Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 I'm glad you are feeling better, but what about this 'closure' you mentioned? If you are married and still haven't had an emotional 'closure' to your ex, then something is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
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