So Confused and down. Big choice. Please help!

[FreeMe]

I'm so confused. My boyfriend and I were head-over-heels in love last year. He moved in with me very quickly. He was separated and thought his divorce would be low-key and amicable. Well, of course, it wasn't.

 

He started pulling away from me emotionally, cut down on affection,etc. Then he started wanting everything his way or no way. This really pissed me off. It was on major and minor things. Example of a major thing was where we would live - well where he would live and I could either take it or leave it. A (somewhat) minor thing was telling me it doesn't occur to him to tell me if he's made plans that don't involve me and he's not going to change. Period.

 

Whenever he did this stuff it boiled my blood. I finally started to pull away too. I started to think that things were not going to work out with us and our differences became more obvious to me.

 

He also said he won't be ready to get married again in the forseeable future. And he wanted to move out but still see each other. Seemed like we were getting less and less committed instead of more.

 

He moved out - he dragged his feet about it. I think a big part of him did not want to go but by then I felt like we needed space.

 

A day after he was out he said he realized that his attitude of wanting everything his way was because of the divorce and he was willing to compromise on some major things (including getting married). He said he realized he was being selfish and he knows it's because of the effect the divorce has had on him. But he doesn't want to lose me over temporary selfishness. He wants to move back in. He's ready to be with me 100% and wants a full committment from me as well.

 

well, now I'm the one who doesn't know what to do!! I wanted to marry him before, but now I've pulled away too and I had convinced myself (with a lot of help from his behavior) that it wasn't going to work out. I'm feeling kind of numb. Part of me feels like I was so sure about him before, I just need to pull the walls down and fall in love with him again, and part of me feels like it's too late. I'm also wracked with guilt over the idea of him being alone.

 

I don't know what to do and I'm feeling really down. Please help.

[murasaki]

Hi,

 

I've been in a situation similar to yours. My best advice to you is to take things slowly -- for your sake and for your bf's. Explain to him that while you understand what a difficult time this is for him, and that he's making a lot of adjustments, it's not easy for you either, and you need to be cautious. I think that the key in this type of situation is to make it clear that you don't think that he sucks, because you understand that he's in a tough spot, but that you think the way he has behaved sucks. Because it does.

 

It's impossible to feel loving and close to someone who is self-absorbed, who makes unilateral decisions about a partnership, etc. While you've been understanding and supportive, you have limits -- because you must have limits. It would be insane, and probably on some level artificial, for you to not have limits.

 

In other words, if you can afford a bit more patience and understanding, great. Use them to allow yourself to be open to the idea of dating him, but nothing more. This stuff cannot happen overnight, and if it does you should be worried. Don't move in with him again -- I know there are all sorts of practical reasons for people to do so but it's hardly practical to have your very living situation dependent upon a person who doesn't know where he wants to be. Sure, he says he knows now, but that was just a day or two after he was very certain of just the opposite. Look at the bigger picture: this guy has not got himself sorted out yet. He might well be on his way to getting there, but he's not there yet.

 

I don't think anyone can predict the outcome of another person's relationship, so I'm not going to assure you that this will work out. Maybe it will maybe it won't. In my own situation it remains to be seen. Divorces are very sticky and very emotionally taxing -- there are many internal issues to be dealt with even when a person is very sure they're not in love with their soon-to-be ex and that they don't want to remain in the marriage. I think your best bet will be to recognize that your bf is simply not ready to be undertaking anything monumental at the moment, even if monumental is what you want in the long run. You've got to recognize his reality and shrewdly assess how much he can reasonably give to you right now. Then compare that with what you're willing to accept. Don't confuse yourself with wishful thinking. Just because you want to be with a marriage-minded man doesn't mean he really is marriage-minded. He knows you want that, and so he might try to push himself to be that person, because he doesn't want to lose you.

 

Don't make more space for him in your life than he has made for you in his. If you start building scenarios in your mind, hopes for the future, that involve him you will be invested in making the relationship work no matter what. And that wouldn't be good for you. You'll know that you're in the right place with him if you don't feel apprehensive and resentful. You can't create present happiness from your hopes for the future. If you're not able to be happy with him right now, as he is -- i.e. not ready for anything big or permanent -- then you shouldn't be with him right now. Even if that means you'll never be with him.

 

Love doesn't always work out, even when things are really good. That just sucks, but it's life. It's like anything else: people's houses burn down, good workers loser their jobs. These things just happen, no matter how unfair or unfortunate.

[Cynico De Burgerhack]

I too would go slowly. Your boyfriend sounds like he hasn't settled down yet. He's blowing hot and cold, from marriage to living in different houses. These are not small differences. Take your time and wait until you are both constant. Make the decision to proceed when it has been obvious for some time that you are both going in the same direction.

I'm also wracked with guilt over the idea of him being alone.

Don't be. It's not your responsibility and it certainly isn't something to build a relationship on. Would you want someone to stay with you out of pity?

 

Take your time. If you were right about him before I'm sure you will find much better reasons to stay together.

[FreeMe]

murasaki and Cynico De Burgerhack,

 

Thank you both for your comments and advice. Everything said makes sense.

I know he probably needs more time even though he doesn't think he does. His divorce will be final in a couple of months. I asked him yesterday if he was sure he wouldn't get cold feet about getting married again and he couldn't say for sure. Of course he can't - I understand that. But when I said I wasn't 100% sure about things and we could "see how things go" with him staying at my place part of the time, he didn't like that.

 

Originally posted by murasaki

If you start building scenarios in your mind, hopes for the future, that involve him you will be invested in making the relationship work no matter what. And that wouldn't be good for you.

 

Unfortunately I already did that last year and I think that's partly why I feel kind of numb right now. I've gone through a lot of disappointment and I finally accepted it and now he's telling me I can hope and plan again. I already smouldered the desire to hope and plan when I realized things were going so badly.

 

I know what you're saying about the guilt thing Cynico. I think that feeling comes from the same part of me that likes to do nice things to take care of him. I hate to think of him being lonely. He's not the type who enjoys any type of nightlife and doesn't have many activities where he would meet someone else. I'm not sure I would call him shy, but he's not outgoing.

 

I hate this feeling of partial numbness. It's bringing me down.

[jjhung]

Don't worry, it is normal what you are going thru and feeling. I went thru 2-1/2 months of heartbreak and pain and during this time I read a lot of self help and relationship books. Some helped and some didn't, but most importantly is to realize what you have learned from all this experience. It is important to do some soul searching and ask yourself what you really want for yourself. A few books I'd recommend: Zen and the art of falling in love; How to survive after the lost of a love one; Makeup, don't break up; Letting go; Rebuilding after the end of a relationship (Bruce Fisher). Go to Amazon.com and see what else people recommend. I bought over 30 books in the last 2 months about healing, letting go, improving relationship, getting back together, spiritual. I read half of them so far and am still reading even though my ex and I are trying to get back together (but my situation is more complicated involving his ex). Take care of yourself, that's the number one most important thing. Good luck.

[johan]

When did this happen? When did he move out?

 

I think it's odd that he got all the way moved out, and then all of a sudden the next day he changes his mind. I'd have to think that it has something to do with his new living arrangements than it does with his divorce. A little time on your own all by yourself can be an eye-opener. Maybe he really means it, but it's damn weird timing.

[lost_in_chgo]

Free,

 

I've been in the same situation for awhile now.

She did the same, about 2 months before the divorce was final, when the final phase began. She started to think about recommitting and just lost it.

 

You are going to have to give him time.

You can try to be friends, etc, but everytime you do it will drive him further away.

It's as if you are the opposite of freedom.

 

But I believe that there will come a day when mine and yours both decide that freedom isn't all it's cracked up to be. And if they haven't already found someone they like more or as much, and haven't already made a huge mistake with someone else then we might get the calls.

 

How long they take to call is up to them.

What you do when the call comes is up to you.

How long you wait is up to you.

Whether you see other people is up to you, but I would strongly recommend that you do.

 

Good luck and keep posting here.

 

Also take a look at the "no contact threads" and mandrews' posts. You may find them helpful.

 

As I like to say (ad nauseum) you don't have to close any doors here. But you don't have to sit on your hands and wait either.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by jjhung

I bought over 30 books in the last 2 months about healing, letting go, improving relationship, getting back together, spiritual. I read half of them so far and am still reading even though my ex and I are trying to get back together (but my situation is more complicated involving his ex).

 

Wow, you've been busy. Thanks for the book suggestions and encouragement. I'm confused about what I want and also about what I'm going to get - what if his attitude was only partly the divorce and partly him?

 

Originally posted by johan

When did this happen? When did he move out?

 

I think it's odd that he got all the way moved out, and then all of a sudden the next day he changes his mind. I'd have to think that it has something to do with his new living arrangements than it does with his divorce. A little time on your own all by yourself can be an eye-opener. Maybe he really means it, but it's damn weird timing.

 

Hi Johan - - He moved out a little over a week ago and he's staying at his mom's house right now. I'm sure he's more comfortable at my place. He dragged his feet about moving out so I think part of him didn't want to go. And also what he originally wanted was to stay with me *most* of the time and stay there a couple nights per week. I didn't like that idea because it just seemed like he wanted to get away from me whenever he felt like it - and also he would have his own space but he would be free to come and go in mine. It just wasn't sitting right with me. Anyway, it's not like he's done a complete 180 on living with me, but he has on getting married. Before he said we would get married "eventually" but now he's saying he'd give me an engagement ring at Christmas time.

 

Originally posted by lost_in_chgo

I've been in the same situation for awhile now.

She did the same, about 2 months before the divorce was final, when the final phase began. She started to think about recommitting and just lost it.

 

I guess it's pretty typical behavior. My boyfriend already wants to come back though and part of me is unsure whether I want him to and part of me thinks he's not done going through this yet.

 

Right now we are still seeing each other and he's being affectionate and attentive again - but not overdoing it. He's not like others who promise everything under the sun, act like they can't live without you, and then go back to the same crappy behavior. His behavior right now seems more realistic and that does help me to trust that he's not just reacting out of fear of losing me.