Emilia Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 I met someone about a good week ago on a weekend trip. He seems to fancy me and like me but as far as I can tell he is also quite shy when it comes to his communicating with me or even looking at me. He is definitely single. What's confusing is that he comes across as quite social, friendly and seems to fit into our group well (he is new to our surfing group) although he is on the quiet side too. He is also cultured and travelled, he doesn't just sit at home with social anxiety. He doesn't seem to have an issue talking to girls much but I when I catch him looking at me, he looks away quickly which I find very cute I have initiated contact with him about 2-3 times now via facebook and invited him out for our group drinks last week - which he eagerly accepted. He spent the whole evening next to me, leaning across me, touching my body with his though after a few seconds he would move away a bit only to get close again. I have only dated really outgoing, extrovert guys for years because their signs of interest are so easy to decipher. I want to understand this guy though, I enjoy his quietness and intelligence, we can talk about all sorts of stuff (he is also into martial arts, bit of politics, rugby, etc like me). My question is: how does communication work with shy men? I don't have an issue initiating contact and showing interest but obviously only to a point. He hasn't initiated contact with me but he has cranked it up a notch each time I saw him. I know he wants to see me again (he said so when we said good night after drinks) so do I just wait for him to contact me and see if he musters up the courage/sufficient interest? He is away at the moment (Easter break) and I was hoping he would keep in touch with me at least lightly but he hasn't. I'm not too worried about coming across needy by initiating contact but at the same time scaring him off would be defeating the object. I feel like I'm treading on eggshells in unfamiliar territory. Any insight would be welcome. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
JoeyArnold Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 How does communication work with shy men?When I was around ten years old, at a summer basketball camp, one of the coaches asked for my name & I tried my best to utter out my name in the lightest of whispers. He replied, "Did you say Jerry?" My name is Joey. It took me a couple tries. In high school girls would try talking to me but I was so scared. I also thought that if you say hello to me then why do I need to say hello back because you did the helloing for me. It's like turning on a light switch. If you turn on the light then why do I have to get up & turn on the light? It's already on. By my senior year of high school I was showing up at school dances without any dates & dance with random girls. Everyday I get a little more less shy. People like us want mystery & adventures & games & laughs & things like that. Shy people are mysteries. The way that I work could be different than your friend. You most likely have to be patient with him. He may not even know what he is feeling inside. People like us value friendships more than anything in the world & if you treasure & take care of that then that your friendship will most likely grow & turn into a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilia Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 People like us want mystery & adventures & games & laughs & things like that. Shy people are mysteries. The way that I work could be different than your friend. You most likely have to be patient with him. He may not even know what he is feeling inside. People like us value friendships more than anything in the world & if you treasure & take care of that then that your friendship will most likely grow & turn into a relationship. Thank you for the insight. I highlighted what concerns me and I sort of get that but I'm not sure whether my mind can work that way. Ok, I'll just sit back and see what he does when he is back from holiday. Link to post Share on other sites
JoeyArnold Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 I like hugs. Maybe he likes hugs too. Maybe that could help a little. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilia Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 Oh I'm affectionate that's not an issue. I think he just needs more time and I know I can be quite straight up about what I want, even for a more assertive guy Link to post Share on other sites
JoeyArnold Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Oh I'm affectionate that's not an issue. I think he just needs more time and I know I can be quite straight up about what I want, even for a more assertive guy I don't think it would be easy to scare me away. I'm not exactly sure what would scare me away or what would scare him away. Have you spend time with him alone? We are usually more extroverted in smaller settings. Can you guys play games so you can tear down his walls just in case he is holding things back. If I were him & you asked me if I liked you or not I would tell you how I was feeling. Is that something that would help you? Do you want to just ask him what he thinks of you or have you already? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilia Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 If I were him & you asked me if I liked you or not I would tell you how I was feeling. Is that something that would help you? Do you want to just ask him what he thinks of you or have you already? No, it's too soon to ask and it's not how I communicate with men. I look for actions, not words. What I want to see is whether he becomes more assertive with time when it comes to initiating contact and wanting to see me. If he doesn't, I know I will just give up eventually. We have already spent a weekend away together as part of a group but also had alone time as we shared a dorm room. I only met him about 10 days ago but he is definitely more relaxed with me now than when we met. Link to post Share on other sites
JoeyArnold Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Shared a dorm room.If he is looking at you then that is sign number one that he likes you. My family didn't hug at all, as far as I remember, but as shy as I was I adore physical contact of all kinds: hugs, basketball: fighting. If he has return physical contact then those are early signs that he likes you. So that is sign number two. That is what I would do if I liked you. We more likely to say it through physical contact than words anyways. But we are also much slower at getting comfortable. If he really likes you then I really hope he finds a way to communicate that to you before it's too late, before you move on. Shy guys are mostly scared of letting the other person know because of the fear of rejection. If he wants to hang out with you, talk to you, go places with you, then those are other signs. As far as I know I really thinks he likes you. Shy guys don't open up if they don't like the other person. You can only get a shy person to open up if they like you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilia Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 Thanks Joey, it all makes sense. I know obviously shy people are different just because they share one particular personality trait so I know you can't guess exactly how he is. He has been initiating physical contact more than me but he is only comfortable for a few seconds before he pulls away. He doesn't pull away fully though I'm just going to chat to him through facebook when he posts something interesting or when I get an excuse to and see - while he is away at least. I know he is up for another trip away soon it's just that I don't know if I can make it (commitments in the city we live in). If that comes up, I might just make clear I'd rather spend one-on-one time anyway Link to post Share on other sites
JoeyArnold Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) I'm just going to chat to him through facebook when he posts something interesting or when I get an excuse to and see - while he is away at least. Look through the googles & lens & eyes of a scientist, an explorer, a pioneer, a Star Trek space Captain as going where no Emilia from the UK (home of the hottest accents, besides Australia & Canada & Ireland) has gone before. Take it one experiment at a time, one chat, comment, day, message, post, thread, email, FB, text, call, event, situation, chance, at a time with him. I'm not saying that he is a lab-rat or a guinea-pig that you can poke at or run tests on or torture, but I am saying just take it one step at a time before giving up on him, before moving on. Focus on smaller tangible goals, progress, on his end: keep track of any changes he makes. Just make it a game. Make hourly or daily or weekly goals & see if you can get him to open up more & to get more comfortable, step by step, hoop by hoop. Make it easier at first & give him a little more grace, mercy, forgiveness, & time at first. Later, just make the challenges a little more harder each time. Make each level a little harder for him to pass, to beat. If he starts failing then, as the teacher, you can drop him from your class & move on. Just don't be the hardest scientist or teacher in the world: give him a chance for extra credit: for a passing grade: for coming out of his shell: he might have pretty hard shell. Edited April 2, 2012 by JoeyArnold 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilia Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 Just don't be the hardest scientist or teacher in the world: give him a chance for extra credit: for a passing grade: for coming out of his shell: he might have pretty hard shell. No no, if the worst happens we will just remain mates. I don't fall out with men usually. Link to post Share on other sites
brokenTom Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Why not just make the move on him instead of waiting for him to do it? Shy guys tend to like assertive women, and if you aren't/can't/won't do it, then he'll tend to take his time, perhaps savoring the moments leading up to it. Shy guys are romantic in this way, teasing if you will. He's giving you the signals it seems, but maybe is not sure if you like him because you just sit there and don't respond? Also, as a shy guy myself, once in a relationship the shyness can go away and you may find yourself a very assertive passionate guy, surprising you with bold gestures and variety. Once the mutual feelings are really set in place, it can take off. We like a women who is patient enough for this because it tells us you really appreciate us as humans, and not just our flashy first impressions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilia Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 No I don't just sit there and don't respond. If you read my original post again it explains that I have initiated contact with him and asked him out (though not on a date as such, but it's still more than what he has done so far). So while he was very keen to join me for that drink and he cut something else short just to turn up (I organised a drinks party for mutual friends), I feel as a man he should do his own share of contributing to this and not make me do all the work. He will have to return the invite in some shape or form. I'm happy to be patient for a while but it needs to be a mutual thing. Link to post Share on other sites
JoeyArnold Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 I organised a drinks party. You want him to organized a party? Link to post Share on other sites
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