Wife's Affair - Question and support for newbie

[MyNewLife2]

I’m new to this site so please go easy on me; will take anyone’s opinion on either side.

 

My wife of 8 years met a married man at a friend's New Year’s party where they had a kiss (I was caring for our crying child). The past months I’ve uncovered lie after lie to find out she is going to work for him, move in with him, and has left the marital home with me remaining with my 2 little kids. We do every other weekend and 2 days during the week. His wife has also since filed for divorce and has a child.

 

I feel like I’m living in a bad movie with the amount of secrets, lies, and cover ups. The worst thing about it is that she’s putting it all on me for my lack of attention, selfishness, etc. and that she’s been “pouring her heart into this marriage for years”. I finally realized this is not on me and I filed for divorce last month. I am fighting a possible losing battle for my kids to keep them safe, shielded, and have some sense of normalcy as she tries to move them 100 miles from their home so she can find happiness in her new life.

 

She moved out last month and last weekend was the first time the kids went to "mommy's house" for the weekend. I was very concerned about the other man being around my kids as they are young and am sure all of this is confusing to them. Out of respect, I specifically asked her to not bring him around me for the drop off and pick up and she said she would be alone all weekend with the kids out of respect for them.

 

Well I picked up my kids and my son was holding a dollar bill; I asked where he got the money and he said "other guy's name". My older one said he played with them all weekend and spent the night. I asked who he was and was told by my child "mommy's boss and her friend". I was told that he slept on the floor in the living room (with mommy) and my oldest child woke up in the middle of the night and mommy went and slept in the bed with my children.

 

She of course denied that he spent the night and only came over for a short period of time to meet the kids; she wants to "slowly transition" him to be around them. I think she's completely lying but even still, I do not feel this is healthy since it is only 3 months into all of this!

 

For the mom's, is it just me or is being around another man at this point messed up and completely wrong?!

 

I still find myself obsessing over how long they could possibly last and have been researching statistics on relationships born out of affairs; especially under these circumstances. I haven't been able to let this go but have no interest in taking her back, so hate this "revenge" piece that I seek to see. If anyone has any comments or experience on this, it would make me feel better. I'm slowly starting to move on and begin to pick up the pieces, just haven't yet been able to let this part go.

Edited April 2, 2012 by MyNewLife2

[Spark1111]

For those in the midst of an affair, they seem to think everyone will be one big happy family.

 

It's delusional often, and children should NOT be introduced to any new partner too quickly since, not only is it confusing, but they may form an attachement to the person.

 

When and if that person disappears, if feels like, once again, another loss or abndonment to deal with.

 

Either your wife is very immature or not thinking straight to epose the children to her lover so soon.

 

What can you do about it? Have you spoken to your attorney? Plan to fight for full cusody? Exposed the AP at work or at home?

 

Asked him to stay away from your kids?

[MyNewLife2]

I would say immature but she is in her late 30's so that can't fly. Based on what I am slowly learning about all of this, she is still in a fog and thinks in her new life she can do no wrong.

 

I have told my attorney who will tell hers (again) but there is not a legal angle. I've told her parents as well who feel helpless and as much as they do not agree, know that she will not listen to them. I don't like pulling them in the middle but needed them to know so they can try to help if they choose to.

 

Yes I did expose affair to AP's wife and she filed for divorce right away. He owns his own business and my wife is now "working" for him. I'm fighting for custody as it just is not a stable place for them in my opinion; 100 miles from their home and little/no support.

 

I have not contacted him; he called me pissed about exposing the affair to his wife but just do not think he would listen to me about my kids as neither of them feel they can do no wrong and are going to create a "loving environment" for the kids.

[jwi71]

You may do better in the infidelity forum. Ask a mod to move it there.

[wannabdone]

I would say immature but she is in her late 30's so that can't fly. Based on what I am slowly learning about all of this, she is still in a fog and thinks in her new life she can do no wrong.

 

I have told my attorney who will tell hers (again) but there is not a legal angle. I've told her parents as well who feel helpless and as much as they do not agree, know that she will not listen to them. I don't like pulling them in the middle but needed them to know so they can try to help if they choose to.

 

Yes I did expose affair to AP's wife and she filed for divorce right away. He owns his own business and my wife is now "working" for him. I'm fighting for custody as it just is not a stable place for them in my opinion; 100 miles from their home and little/no support.

 

I have not contacted him; he called me pissed about exposing the affair to his wife but just do not think he would listen to me about my kids as neither of them feel they can do no wrong and are going to create a "loving environment" for the kids.

 

 

MNL... First off, let me say how terribly sorry I am for your pain and loss. That is an awful thing to go through and my prayers are with you.

 

Secondly, I do not know what state you live in, but majority of states do not allow the children to stay with a parent if another M or W is staying the night, that is IF the other parent does not wish for that to happen. Which it sounds like you do not. Also, when children have been raised in an environment/city, it is usually not granted for another parent to move off with them over a set amount of miles. This varies from state to state, but courts have activily been changing how things used to be, and started to give the fathers more rights than they previously did. I would check into this, and possibly put these items with in your divorce decree.

 

As far as my personal opion, YES too soon! Way too soon. Your children need to not have one man coming in after another.

 

Again, I am sorry for you pain.