Wife's Affair - Question and support for newbie

[MyNewLife2]

I’m new to this site so please go easy on me; will take anyone’s opinion on either side.

 

My wife of 8 years met a married guy at a friends party on New Year’s Eve where they had a kiss (I was caring for our crying child). The past months I’ve uncovered lie after lie to find out she is going to work for him, move in with him, and has left the marital home with me remaining with my 2 little kids. We do every other weekend and 2 days during the week. His wife has also since filed for divorce and has a child.

 

I feel like I’m living in a bad movie with the amount of secrets, lies, and cover ups. The worst thing about it is that she’s putting it all on me for my lack of attention, selfishness, etc. and that she’s been “pouring her heart into this marriage for years”. I finally realized this is not on me and I filed for divorce last month. I am fighting a possible losing battle for my kids to keep them safe, shielded, and have some sense of normalcy as she tries to move them 100 miles from their home so she can find happiness in her new life.

 

She moved out last month and last weekend was the first weekend that my kids went to "mommy's house" for the weekend. I was very concerned about the other man being around my kids as they are young and am sure all of this is confusing to them. Out of respect, I specifically asked her to not bring him around me for the drop off and pick up and she said she would be alone all weekend with the kids out of respect for them.

 

Well I picked up my kids and my son was holding a dollar bill; I asked where he got the money and he said "other guy's name". My older one said he played with them all weekend and spent the night. I asked who he was and was told by my child "mommy's boss and her friend". I was told that he slept on the floor in the living room (with mommy) and my oldest child woke up in the middle of the night and mommy went and slept in the bed with my children.

 

She of course denied that he spent the night and only came over for a short period of time to meet the kids; she wants to "slowly transition" him to be around them. I think she's completely lying but even still, I do not feel this is healthy since it is only 3 months into all of this!

 

For the mom's, is it just me or is being around another man at this point messed up and completely wrong?!

 

I still find myself obsessing over how long they could possibly last and have been researching statistics on relationships born out of affairs; especially under these circumstances. I haven't been able to let this go but have no interest in taking her back, so hate this "revenge" piece that I seek to see. If anyone has any comments or support on this, it would make me feel better.

[mark982]

i'm assuming you are in the house! i would first start with seeing a lawyer about her not being able to move kids 100 milesd away, as she's the one who just moved out.

[MyNewLife2]

Yep - I'm in the marital home; trying to provide some level of "normal" for the kids until they finish school. Her "plan" is that they will then move in with her. 100 miles is the max allowed by law for her to move with them and we're both lawyered up.

 

I guess I am lucky not having to deal/look at her on a daily basis but this whole thing is just so messed up and it's still just the beginning of a long process/battle.

[mark982]

can't for the life of me figure out how she can move out,leave the kids, then get custody. unless i'm reading things wrong!!

[Chi townD]

first rule: When a cheaters lips are moving they're usually lying. Don't believe anything she says to you. Take everything with a grain of salt.

[KathyM]

Courts normally award joint custody, and unless she has proven herself totally unfit as a parent, she will have shared custody. Courts don't consider affairs as being an unfit parent. As long as she's taking care of the kids adequately, that's all the court cares about. Do yourself and your kids a favor and stop drilling them about this other guy. It's out of your hands now. He is obviously going to be a part of their life now. Don't put your kids in the middle of this. I know you hate that he is there and involved with your kids, but there is nothing you can do about it, so the sooner you stop obsessing about if he's there, when, where he sleeps, etc., the sooner you can move on with your life and find someone who is worthy of your love and attention.

[MyNewLife2]

Thank you Kathy, it is just very hard to get past the kids thing as it is so wrong. It was the first weekend and I felt sick asking them anything but know I need to lay off this going forward as it doesn't help my relationship with them.

 

It all sounds crazy/made up I know, but she will likely be the custodial parent with shared custody even with all of this going on. I only want what is best for the kids and her crazy behavior right now is not good, but doesn't make her an "unfit mother".

 

Does anyone agree about "blowing this affair up" by contacting members of his family? I contacted his wife last month who had no idea and have only contacted my friends and a few of hers who wanted to know what was really going on. I see no purpose in this as I just want to move on with my life versus obsessing over hers/them.

[stopdropandroll]

Your wife is going to blow up the relationship all on her own. There's no reason for you to become emotionally involved in her affair. I know that's easier said than done but the truth is you will get through this and the sooner you start taking care of yourself the sooner you'll be free of the emotional trauma.

 

Divorce Care ( divorcecare.org ) is a great program (I'm a participant myself) that can help you address and work through the tough issues you're already facing and will face.

 

Thank you Kathy, it is just very hard to get past the kids thing as it is so wrong. It was the first weekend and I felt sick asking them anything but know I need to lay off this going forward as it doesn't help my relationship with them.

 

It all sounds crazy/made up I know, but she will likely be the custodial parent with shared custody even with all of this going on. I only want what is best for the kids and her crazy behavior right now is not good, but doesn't make her an "unfit mother".

 

Does anyone agree about "blowing this affair up" by contacting members of his family? I contacted his wife last month who had no idea and have only contacted my friends and a few of hers who wanted to know what was really going on. I see no purpose in this as I just want to move on with my life versus obsessing over hers/them.

Edited April 3, 2012 by stopdropandroll
Typo

[twice shy]

I feel for you bro. I have two kids myself and when i first discovered my wife's affair, the thought that drove me most crazy was thinking of some other man enjoying my kids and being the pseudo-father.

 

that said, once the newness of the relationship wears off (for your wayward spouse and her boyfriend), the dynamic will change. he's trying to be nice to the kids to impress her, not because he cares for your kids.

 

once their relationship falls apart, he won't have a need to continue to show off by giving them money, etc.

 

mark my words.

[immitable]

It may sound horrible right now but she is the one ending getting hurt in a long run. I have heard similar stories before. See, it is a lot easier for a wife to take a cheating husband back than for a man to atake a cheating wife back in my own opinion.

 

He was there and offered what she needed at a given moment, she romanticized her new so called relationship too much. He is going to end up reconciling with his wife sooner or later.

 

Do what you gotta do and please spare your kids bc when this happens parents try to sway the kids to their side, this is not healthy for them and they know who the bad guy in this story is already. Good thing you co0ntacted your lawyer.

[analystfromhell]

It sounds like you have things amazingly under control and are 95% on top of the situation. Of course you're devastated and upset- who wouldn't be. The great news is the kids are with you, in your house and she's out of the picture at least part of the time giving you and the kids a great chance to bond and help the kids know you're there for them whatever happens. Please try to hold back from any criticism of their mother or the other guy; they will dig their own grave. The hard part if remaining positive, supportive and non-critical. The courts are biased against you but so far it sounds as though you've done everything right and she's done everything wrong. If your state has provisions for a GAL getting one involved might help the kids work their way through the situation and provide a voice of reason for the court to consider.

[NeverDated]

I'm just going to focus on your question because the rest has me flabbergasted beyond words.

She of course denied that he spent the night and only came over for a short period of time to meet the kids; she wants to "slowly transition" him to be around them. I think she's completely lying but even still, I do not feel this is healthy since it is only 3 months into all of this!

 

For the mom's, is it just me or is being around another man at this point messed up and completely wrong?!

That's way too soon. She's setting a bad precedent for your kids and putting herself in a really bad spot once you go to court.

 

My children did not meet any man I was seeing until it was serious - that amounted to a grand total of one, my current boyfriend, who we now live with. That was six months after our "official" separation date and close to 2 years after the informal separation (when XH began coming and going as he pleased). My oldest daughter was allowed to make the decision for her siblings when they met him, and the first several meetings were lunch, flea market or grill-outs at the park. Then he transitioned to coming over for dinner and a movie, etc. They'd known him for about 5 months before the thought of sleepovers ever came into the equation.

 

She may think this is a forever thing but IMO it's really irresponsible to just throw her children into the middle of her shiny new relationship. There's really not much you can do about it, though. Like immitable said, though, don't do anything that could "influence" your kids' opinions - in the end, you'll only end up looking like the bad guy.

[elfman]

Hey man,

 

I am so sorry to hear your story... I am going through separation at the moment with a possible affair on her part (nagging feeling, some proof of lies, etc, you know the drill I am sure).

 

You understood how much of a BULL**** statement the "you drove me to the other man" thing is... that is important.

 

I am a bit confused as to the court system in the US, see, down here, if a spouse cheats, and the affair can be proven, they lose basically all rights of custody except those proposed by the betrayed party, (I guess it's the government's way of protecting the family as the central structure in society, and not the individual).

 

I agree with Neverdated that she is setting a terrible precedent for your kids by allowing the OM time to get to "know him"... first of all, they're dealing with their parent's separation, and she cannot possibly attest to this new relationship's well-being in time... so if she then chooses to leave this OM that will also hurt the kids, especially if they grow fond of him.

 

I would ask my lawyer about her leaving the house... If your major objective is to be able to live with your kids and keep your home, then I am sure there is some sort of jurisprudence on the walk-away spouse syndrome... and you cannot be FORCED to liquidate your assets to comply with her new desires, especially since she was carrying on an affair DURING the marriage. Did you have a prenump? Again, I wish I knew more of the law out there...

 

I would not try to convince the children of anything... instead, you can help them (even if you do not agree with HER on what she is doing) by playing this as if it were normal... I mean, never be mean-mouthed about the other man, or her, for that matter, and make sure they understand that they have a home with you, so if they don't like staying at "mommy's" they always have a room at your place.

 

I wish I could slap this OM silly on your behalf bud... some men are designed without any sense of respect for another man's family.

 

Hope it gets better, and thanks for sharing.

 

E.

[MyNewLife2]

 

that said, once the newness of the relationship wears off (for your wayward spouse and her boyfriend), the dynamic will change. he's trying to be nice to the kids to impress her, not because he cares for your kids.

 

once their relationship falls apart, he won't have a need to continue to show off by giving them money, etc.

 

mark my words.

 

Thanks everyone for the shared stories and support, my family and friends along with my kids are keeping me going but it does help to "relate" with those who know the pain. I hope the above will come to fruition, unfortunately if/when it does I hopefully will be in a better place and not worry about her/them being together. The affair is one thing but the damage and nonsense since then is so much more painful to deal with. As long as I know they won't last - I know that I will end up better off in the end. I know it shouldn't matter, but not there yet.

 

I really am trying to keep it as normal as possible for the kids and do not talk bad about their mother or this guy. Just need to keep my mouth shut going forward as it will continue. Just get so mad; it is odd and may be bad but I find myself not talking about her at all with the kids, unless they ask.

[elfman]

Hey bud,

 

Keeping it normal is hard... I know... Last week was like visiting hell for me... But to be honest, today, I feel like I am on the right track. 180 is going well, NC is going as good as it can with having to live with my wife, and as long as we keep it normal our kids dont suffer as much. I spent the week doing what I do best, working, and caring for my kids... and I threw in a daily hour of jogging which really helps me drain all that negative energy away.

 

Don't go crazy on us man... keep it together, at the end of the day your actions wil benefit yourself and your kids... let her do whatever the hell she wants.

 

E.

[2.50 a gallon]

Why are you letting her do this to you and your family?

 

Do you live in a foreign country?

 

Have you met with an attorney

 

It all depends on which district, county state of where you live

 

But I had a friend who went through a similar debacle.

 

The end result she had abandoned the home and children, they had joint custody but my friend had primary care. And included in the separation agreement it was stated that the OM was not to come in contact with the children at any time.

 

In short, on the weekends that were hers the OM could not visit the apartment. When she repeatedly violated said order, her visitation rights were changed, so that they had to be supervised.

 

That being the children could no longer spend the night with her. And when ever she was in contact with them there had to be a third party present.

 

Get yourself a Bull dog attorney

[MyNewLife2]

I do have an attorney and trust he is doing the right things to protect me and my kids, I hate to change at this point but need to see how the next few weeks go. I am hoping it is early in the process and will not happen again, but if it does - i will be forcing the issue. There is no abandonment in my state and he said he can put in an order for OM being around my kids but proving it is difficult unless I go through a Private Investigator. I am going for a similar situation as your friend and have a shot at it so trying to do things right while still protecting my kids.

 

Appreciate the insight as I will take any advice I can get.

[2sure]

OK, first off...it is unusual for a father to win primary custody of his kids in a divorce. You state you have concern that she will move them the maximum allowable in your state which is 100 miles. THe maximum is a rule of thumb and can be negotiated, have your attorney find out what circumstances usually find for a smaller range.

 

One of the big reasons fathers do not usually win primary custody is that during the course of a separation and divorce...it's the Dads that move out of the parental home. sometimes, simply because they feel that is the best and easiest thing on the kids. So, the woman stays in the home with the kids. Usually, under normal circumstances during custody... A judge will leave the kids with whoever has the house they have always lived in, in the school they have always attended. So...you need document right now, how often she is actually seeing the kids, for how long, and where. You need to ask her in an email for some money for child expenses and hope she replies with NO. When the time is coming that you expect her to move the children...BOOM, you file for temporary custody. ANd child support.

 

SET A PRECEDENT FOR THE COURTS TO CONSIDER.

 

I rarely post anymore, and never from this iPad...so my spelling and punctuation might be off...but I felt I needed to respond to you. Good luck.

[MyNewLife2]

Thank you 2sure, you are either an attorney or have experience in this area, but either way I appreciate the sound advice as you are spot on. I'm following it to the letter. My biggest fear/concern right now is her threats to quit her "job" and move back home to "take me for everything I've got as well as these kids that I'm trying to take from her". It is early and know I will fight but just so exhausting; and only 2 months into the D filing!

[2sure]

No definitely Not an attorney!! ironically, my experience comes from my own divorces and those of my friends...all women who actually did end up taking quite a bit from their ex.