Spouse's responsibility

[PeineDeCoeur]

PDC,

 

Your MM was a long time serial cheater with many deepseated issues that have nothing to do with his BS!

 

Only a small percentage of cheaters fall into this catagory. You need to search and read the many articles about serial cheaters to truly understand the depth of their issues.

 

Hi BB,

 

Yes, I completely agree his problems have nothing to do with his BS - sorry if I gave that impression. In fact, I'm convinced she knows there's a big problem and has tried to engage him.

 

I'm just sayin', if you're a MM who is going to stay in the marriage, why not work on making things better with your w? Years and years of fence-sitting and intermittent affairs have gotten him nowhere! At this point, I feel he should take responsibility and work on the marriage or work to get out of the marriage. If I'd been ok to continue, he would have been happy to continue the affair indefinetly - this is crazy to me! Maybe I'm naive and the intermittent sex is enough reason for men to do this...

[silktricks]

I agree with Nemo. If a spouse cheats once, then I don't feel the BS bears any responsibility for the cheating. The BS probably bears equal responsibility for the state of the marriage, but none for the cheating.

 

If, however, the BS chooses to stay with a person who continues to cheat, whether with the same person or with an every changing stream, then the BS has become an enabler, and now bears some of the responsibility for the cheating. At some point the BS must face the fact that that they are at the very least abdicating responsibility for their own happiness to someone else, someone who shows they don't give a d*mn.

[beenburned]

silktricks,

 

That is assuming the BS knows he is still cheating behind her back!

These serial cheaters are very good con artists.

 

But in the cases of repeated known d-days, especially with different OW, then the wife is an enabler of his bad behavior.(no consequences)

 

I once read a thread by an older BW(60+), who said there was no way she would ever divorce her H. She felt like she had worked side by side with him for her whole adult life, to build up all the money, homes, cars, retirements, etc.

She said there is no way she would leave right when they were starting to reap the rewards of all of their hard work. She felt like that would be handing over her life to some OW who didn't deserve any of it.

[wannabdone]

I think this happens a lot here. A MM is caught cheating but doesn't want to lose his life as he knows it. He then convinces the BW that he loves her and the kids and their life and will not leave her. What happens when he has another A? Same thing. The BW doesn't leave because she too doesn't want to lose "everything" and start afresh. If she is sure that the WH actually has feelings for her, then it's easier for her to stay.

 

So the problem is within the MM. He is selfish because he wants the M and the perks that come with it but also wants to continue getting some on the side. The few women I know who have got a D as a result of cheating told me that it wasn't the cheating per se. It was the attitude the WHs had. They acted like all they had to do was say "Sorry I messed up but I'd never leave you" and expected that to be enough. The Ws felt the WHs were sorry to have been so stupid as to get caught.

 

Regarding the spouse's responsibility... If a BS decides to stay M with a MP who continually cheats, then I think the spouse will bear some responsibility for the behaviour. I've never thought of it that way but it never occurred to me to leave my M because my H cheated. So in a sense, I was allowing him to cheat as long as I didn't find out, wasn't I?

 

 

FN, Gosh... I appreciate your honesty here. You are amazing. So many times, ppl refuse to take any responsbility for anything.

 

I think a lot of times ppl hold hope on both ends (BS or OW/OM), they hope THIS time will be the time they stop their wicked ways. But, I have always felt, that if you chose to take back a cheater time and time again, you are accepting that he is. Of course, you wish like hell they would stop... but all you have to go on is his actions...which prove other wise.

[wannabdone]

silktricks,

 

That is assuming the BS knows he is still cheating behind her back!

These serial cheaters are very good con artists.

 

But in the cases of repeated known d-days, especially with different OW, then the wife is an enabler of his bad behavior.(no consequences)

 

I once read a thread by an older BW(60+), who said there was no way she would ever divorce her H. She felt like she had worked side by side with him for her whole adult life, to build up all the money, homes, cars, retirements, etc.

She said there is no way she would leave right when they were starting to reap the rewards of all of their hard work. She felt like that would be handing over her life to some OW who didn't deserve any of it.

 

 

BB, I always love your posts girl. I have a question for some of the BS's out there. Just curious by what you said. Does it matter if the WS cheated with the same person or different ppl over and over again? Does one way make it worse? My xMM BS went through over a dozen Ddays, and I often wondered, does it make it "better" (for lack of better words here) or worse that it was with the same woman over and over again. Does she some how justifiy it because i'm just the loonitic that chases her H (so not true, well the chasing part. lol) or does it hurt worse because her WS obviously had a ongoing relationship with one woman.

 

Either way with me, would be bad. But just curious as to what you guys think. Not trying to t/j. So if I should start a new thread I will. Do you think I should? you think that would be a good topic to discuss?

[wannabdone]

wbd for me it might depend, but tbh we never really know how it will feel until it happens. God forbid it doesn't happen.

 

I think if I found he cheated with xOW again I would so be done and probably suicidal. This is a woman who set out in advance to get herself a new partner and worked hard for a year before the A then during and since the A. She has invested years of her life to make him her H. So to have him have an apparently ongoing or intermittent relationship with her I'd say is a blow I couldn't bear.

 

If it was different women that would hurt like hell but it would make her less special and more like me. It would also seem to me that he was just fooling around. Not good. But not the same betrayal as saying he would leave for her.

 

If he was a Bill Clinton who just had a power thing for a bunch of young women? That would be the least bad.

 

But of course they're all bad.

 

 

Idk Brighter. After getting to know you, you think you would be suicidal? or more like homicidal?

 

And yes they are all bad. Was just wondering what everyone thought.

[beenburned]

WBD,

 

Yes, that would be a good topic for a new thread.

 

As for me personally, I don't want to be married to a cheater at all.

 

However, out of the two choices, I would say multiple d-days with the same woman would be worse for me. It shows that he definitely has an emotional attachment to that person. Which in turn would make me doubt his love for me.

 

Serial cheaters with multiple women are usually just out for sex with different people, not love.

[wannabdone]

WBD,

 

Yes, that would be a good topic for a new thread.

 

As for me personally, I don't want to be married to a cheater at all.

 

However, out of the two choices, I would say multiple d-days with the same woman would be worse for me. It shows that he definitely has an emotional attachment to that person. Which in turn would make me doubt his love for me.

 

Serial cheaters with multiple women are usually just out for sex with different people, not love.

 

 

I see your point.

 

I will make a new thread....