My Wife cheated during engagement

[Bailey39]

My wife and I dated for 4 years before getting engaged. Our engagement then lasted 2 ½ years while she was away at grad school. Even though we were having a long distance relationship everything seemed really good. She either came home or I went there nearly every weekend. We have now been married 9 years and have two children. She recently revealed to me that she cheated on me twice during our engagement. One time was the summer before leaving for grad school (about 3 months after getting engaged) while she was on vacation visiting a girlfriend in California and the second time was about a year later at grad school. Both times were one night stands, not a relationship. She says that she never even once thought about not marrying me and that both of these events meant nothing to her. The only reason she told me know is because it has been so long ago and we have had a great marriage so she thought I wouldn't think it was a big deal. The only problem is that I do think it is a big deal. I have now known for 2 months and it is driving me crazy. I think about it all of the time. Divorce is out of the question, but I have trouble even looking at her now. We have been in several arguments since this was revealed and I don’t think I have been very nice to her much of the time. I feel like she is not the person that I thought she was and the last 10 years were just a lie. She was always the ‘innocent good Christian girl’ type. I never would have guessed her to have a one night stand, much less while engaged. To make things even worse, I was her ‘first’ so I believed for the last ten years I was her ‘only’. Now, I feel like I lost something that I never really had in the first place. I always trusted her completely. I didn’t feel like I ever needed to keep an eye on her. I now feel that the trust is gone. She keeps telling me I need to get past this and move on. I worry that she will not have the patients to let me deal with it all and she could end up eventually leaving me. What do you think about everything? Should I trust her today? Should I just pretend it didn’t happen? Any advice would help.

Edited April 2, 2012 by Bailey39

[findthelight]

Would you be open to counseling? Its completely understandable that your perception of her would change after hearing this news. I'm sure it rocked the foundation of your marriage. But since you said that divorce is out of the question, I think you owe it to yourself to try and get back to a place of trust or at the very least, a place where you can be in the same room with her without feeling extreme resentment or hurt. A counselor could be able to help you - both independently and as a couple.

 

My heart goes out to you and I hope things turn around in your favor.

[Lauriebell82]

Would you be open to counseling? Its completely understandable that your perception of her would change after hearing this news. I'm sure it rocked the foundation of your marriage. But since you said that divorce is out of the question, I think you owe it to yourself to try and get back to a place of trust or at the very least, a place where you can be in the same room with her without feeling extreme resentment or hurt. A counselor could be able to help you - both independently and as a couple.

 

My heart goes out to you and I hope things turn around in your favor.

 

This is exactly what I think as well.

[The Blue Knight]

Hmmm . . . I guess I understand your sense of betrayal, albeit dated betrayal. I wouldn't let it affect your relationship today however. Clearly she told you now because she feels the bonds of your marriage are on solid ground.

 

If it were me, I'm sure it would bother me as it bothers you. It feels to you like it just happened since she just told you recently. But is it worth screwing up . . . what by your own description is a great marriage?

 

As a guy, I can relate to your dilemma. But you have to ask yourself if it's worth trashing your relationship or carrying on about it at this point? I would say, be glad that it happened BEFORE you were married and be content that she decided to just be honest, even though it was many years after the fact.

 

Move forward and keep your marriage healthy and the bonds solid.

[Madman81]

I was on the receiving end of this. Found out after seven years of marriage. The difference is that by then she wanted a divorce. We've now been apart for the better part of a decade.

 

I spent a few years after the bomb dropped feeling like she'd defrauded me. (I still see it that way, but it doesn't bother me anymore.) She wilfully kept from you a highly important piece of information (her willingness to bang other guys), with the result that you married her under false pretences. She decided the course of your life for you, without giving you the respect of allowing YOU to decide the course of YOUR life based on all the facts. That was sh***y of her.

 

It's easy for her to say that you just need to get past this and move on. For her, this was all about a decade ago. For you, having just found out two months ago, it's as though she just banged those two guys in January. That's the part she just plain doesn't get.

 

Yes, you have two kids with her, a marriage, a life together. Coupled with the fact that her cheating was about a decade ago, those are all good reasons for staying together.

 

However, that's not the end of the matter, or at least it bloody well shouldn't be. She betrayed you. Unbeknownst to you, your marriage was crippled from day one, beacuse it was based on a monumental lie and deception by her.

 

I think you should sit her down and tell her, point blank, that you are devastated by this, and that if she wants there to be any hope of saving the marriage, she must agree to start couples counselling with you immediately. Period, non-negotiable. She wrecked it, she has to work her ass off to fix it.

 

If she refuses, or if she decides to leave you because she's not satisfied with how quickly you're "getting over" her massive betrayal of you, then frankly, that will tell you everything you need to know about the value of your marriage and the value of continuing it.

 

Good luck man...

[westrock]

She says that she never even once thought about not marrying me and that both of these events meant nothing to her.

 

Something doesn't seem right about her statement. It makes no sense.

 

She's saying this based on what she knows now, but at the time she probably thought the opposite.

 

She tells you that she never even once thought about not marrying you, and that somehow made it okay for her to go ahead and cheat on you? If anything, one would think that it means she was even more committed to you and the idea of cheating would have been out of the question.

 

She goes ahead and cheats but now she says both events meant nothing to her. At the time they must have meant something for her to do it. But, what about you, her fiancee? Did her engagement with you also mean nothing to her and that's why she thought it was okay to cheat? Did she not think what these events would mean to you and the relationship?

 

The only reason she told me know is because it has been so long ago and we have had a great marriage so she thought I wouldn't think it was a big deal.

 

Something doesn't seem right about this either. It makes no sense.

 

What is the real reason she is telling you now? Is she worried that you were about to find out? Was she telling you because of guilt? Why now?

 

How does she feel about the relationship? Could it be that she's uphappy and she's telling you now so that you will initiate a divorce?

 

The only problem is that I do think it is a big deal.

 

When she told you, did she express any remorse or seek forgiveness or offer to go to counselling or show concern how you might feel or react?

 

I agree with all the others, you two need counselling to get through this otherwise the issue will not go away and the mistrust will only grow.

[HurtZ]

What do you think about everything? Should I trust her today? Should I just pretend it didn’t happen? Any advice would help.

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Sorry to say that once trust is broken (even from an act years ago) it can be very difficult to rebuild and the relationship all of a sudden is on shaky ground. You have every right to feel angry and upset about it because she lied to you and basically betrayed you. I am not sure what the point was in telling you after all these years..is she suddenly feeling remorse ? However, you do have children and so you owe it to them to try and make the marriage work. But I definitely think that you should hit up some couples counseling and talk these feelings out in front of an objective person, otherwise there will be no hope and it will be just a matter of time before the relationship fails. Good luck. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[HeavyHitter]

My wife and I dated for 4 years before getting engaged. Our engagement then lasted 2 ½ years while she was away at grad school. Even though we were having a long distance relationship everything seemed really good. She either came home or I went there nearly every weekend. We have now been married 9 years and have two children. She recently revealed to me that she cheated on me twice during our engagement.

 

So she's a serial cheater. You really do have a nasty one, there.

 

One time was the summer before leaving for grad school (about 3 months after getting engaged) while she was on vacation visiting a girlfriend in California and the second time was about a year later at grad school.

How much you wanna bet it was more than twice AND in your marriage? You're in denial/shock now, so it's understandable you're not thinking rationally now but seriously man, she has no respect for you and hasn't for a long time. Think about: Why is she all of a sudden telling you this now? And don't say it's because she loves you because if she did, she would've never done this to you and kept this from you for so long, removing your right to make an informed decision on whether she was good for you to marry or not.

 

Now that she locked you in with 2 children and wasted almost a decade of your time for her own benefit, she knows it'll be hard for you to consider leaving her.

 

She's still cheating on you or recently has.

 

Both times were one night stands, not a relationship.

They're not classified as relationships even if she decided to keep seeing those 2 idiots more than once.

 

This woman slept with only 2 men you know about (yes I said 2 you only know about because she's a serial cheater and they never stop cheating) and it was probably unprotected sex. How do you know those 2 kids are yours? This woman has threatened your life sexually and could've gave you an STD. You need to get yourself checked out, and get paternity tests for both of those kids.

 

She says that she never even once thought about not marrying me and that both of these events meant nothing to her.

Of course she never thought about not marrying you. She saw you as a decent guy to cuckold, you have your career going for you, and she latched onto that, knowing that she found other guys she slept with at your expense, more attractive than you. This is a common tactic of freeloading, cheating women.

 

The only reason she told me know is because it has been so long ago and we have had a great marriage so she thought I wouldn't think it was a big deal.

No something happened that made her confess that she's not telling you about. Either she wanted to tell you only to relieve her "guilt," or somebody caught up to her nasty ass and was about to blow the whistle.

 

She gave you a watered down version, thinking that you'd get over it. You see how little she cares about your feelings? She only "confessed" when it suited her, not you. She's a sociopath. That's what they do.

 

You have a LOT of work to do, buddy. Cry about it as you wish, but you need to get to the bottom of this AND fast.

 

The only problem is that I do think it is a big deal. I have now known for 2 months and it is driving me crazy. I think about it all of the time. Divorce is out of the question, but I have trouble even looking at her now.

Actually divorce needs to be seriously something you should be considering and in the back of your mind, you know this but you're probably calculating that you're going to lose your kids and loads of money if you blow this out of the water.

 

You'll be a weekend father and will lose some money but at least you'll be able to find someone who doesn't take advantage of you and put your life at risk for imminent death.

 

We have been in several arguments since this was revealed and I don’t think I have been very nice to her much of the time.

You're angry and it's understandable. Let it all out and don't let these other posters try to guilt you into staying for the kids. That would be a terrible mistake.

 

I feel like she is not the person that I thought she was and the last 10 years were just a lie. She was always the ‘innocent good Christian girl’ type. I never would have guessed her to have a one night stand, much less while engaged. To make things even worse, I was her ‘first’ so I believed for the last ten years I was her ‘only’. Now, I feel like I lost something that I never really had in the first place. I always trusted her completely. I didn’t feel like I ever needed to keep an eye on her. I now feel that the trust is gone.

Again it's natural to feel this way. You've been horribly betrayed and it is to be expected. She lied to you about who she really is and yes it is a shock to you, and will be for the next few years understandably.

 

She keeps telling me I need to get past this and move on. I worry that she will not have the patients to let me deal with it all and she could end up eventually leaving me. What do you think about everything? Should I trust her today? Should I just pretend it didn’t happen? Any advice would help.

All the more reason why you need to get your ducks in a row and file for divorce. Get your dick tested, get those kids tested, the whole nine yards. She'll never be sorry for what she's done to you, and remember, she has trashed your marriage repeatedly. That is no quality woman.

[Feelin Frisky]

This is precisely why I'm against barfing up confessions like this. What on earth was she thinking in telling you? This is what happens. Now you have to feel the betrayal, work it out in your heart and go through the change from anger to forgiveness. Eventually you'll have to count the blessing she has meant to you and what she may mean in the future and let them outweigh this unfortunate choice to spill beans which were best left in the can forever.

[HeavyHitter]

This is precisely why I'm against barfing up confessions like this. What on earth was she thinking in telling you? This is what happens. Now you have to feel the betrayal, work it out in your heart and go through the change from anger to forgiveness.

 

He doesn't have to forgive her for anything and it'll be a very long time before he even reaches the point where he can be back to almost normal.

 

Eventually you'll have to count the blessing she has meant to you and what she may mean in the future and let them outweigh this unfortunate choice to spill beans which were best left in the can forever.

 

It's not a blessing as if it's some gift she gave to him. If anything, she just cursed their relationship the moment she started spreading her legs to other men before they even got married. It's an insult to him.

 

When his life has been at risk for STDs, and a possibility those kids aren't his, he has every right to know. What on earth are you thinking in not telling someone?

[2sunny]

She's selfish and self centered to even tell at this time.

 

Now that she's told - and you are enduring the pain - counseling may help.

 

I suppose she's not the gal you thought she could be - but you need to find out what gal she is.

 

Essentially, she's broken trust and needs to earn it back since she deceived you for a long time.

 

Counseling could help what damage she caused...

[Feelin Frisky]

..What on earth are you thinking in not telling someone?

Simple. It destroys or gravely disturbs their world, their serenity, their emotional sense of who is who and what is for no good reason. I will not argue hypothetical STD's and whatever else someone wants to project. From the simple details of the OP, this TO ME is a clear case of selfish blabbernouthing that at best can only result in what I said--pain, anger, acceptance, proportion and forgiveness. Everyone is free to speculate on the worst case scenarios. I only confine my comments to his feelings and his choices and sure, he can divorce her for this. But he has to weigh what else she has meant to him for all this time and what he thinks the remainder of his time will be like with her if he trusts her story to be what she says. I don't care what anyone says, it's idiotic to confess a "meaningless" infidelity from a long time ago if it was meaningless. It's nothing but relationship sabotage at the price of clearing one's conscience. That price isn't worth it IMO, and I'm entitled to MO.

[TaraMaiden]

Well. from a woman's perspective, i don't blame you for feeling the way you do.

It must have been a blow to you to find that out, but you're looking at around 15 years or so, together....

 

There is a possibility -and I'm just thinking off the top of my head here - that there is already a minor, possibly unseen glitch in the relationship....

Tell me, before she dropped this almighty bombshell, was everything absolutely hunky-dory between you two?

I'm not calling a blame-game here, i'm just asking if things have become hum-drum, boring, same old same-old, just a bit 'taking things for granted'-ish....?

 

See....i'm wondering if subconsciously, she wasn't trying to insert a bit of drama, a bit of "excitement" a bit of variety.... Because it sure as hell worked, if that as the case.

i'm not even imagining that she would realise this is her motive - she may even deny it - but it's odd that she believed you'd been married long enough for it to not matter....in other words, possibly, subconsciously, she wanted it to matter....

if she didn't think it would matter - why mention it at all...?

 

I'm just throwing a different slant into the ring...

most couples wanting to zing up their lives would introduce a different slant or sexual practice, just to spice and pep stuff up....

I'm not saying she made it up - but perhaps she wanted to just get some kind of stimulus going....

 

Really stupid way to go about grabbing your attention - but she got it....

 

What do YOU think you should do?

[HeavyHitter]

Simple. It destroys or gravely disturbs their world, their serenity, their emotional sense of who is who and what is for no good reason. I will not argue hypothetical STD's and whatever else someone wants to project. From the simple details of the OP, this TO ME is a clear case of selfish blabbernouthing that at best can only result in what I said--pain, anger, acceptance, proportion and forgiveness. Everyone is free to speculate on the worst case scenarios. I only confine my comments to his feelings and his choices and sure, he can divorce her for this. But he has to weigh what else she has meant to him for all this time and what he thinks the remainder of his time will be like with her if he trusts her story to be what she says. I don't care what anyone says, it's idiotic to confess a "meaningless" infidelity from a long time ago if it was meaningless. It's nothing but relationship sabotage at the price of clearing one's conscience. That price isn't worth it IMO, and I'm entitled to MO.

 

If she cared about his sanity, then she would've never done this in the first place. He deserved to know this information. Their whole relationship is based on a lie.

[The Blue Knight]

Well. from a woman's perspective, i don't blame you for feeling the way you do.

It must have been a blow to you to find that out, but you're looking at around 15 years or so, together....

 

There is a possibility -and I'm just thinking off the top of my head here - that there is already a minor, possibly unseen glitch in the relationship....

Tell me, before she dropped this almighty bombshell, was everything absolutely hunky-dory between you two?

I'm not calling a blame-game here, i'm just asking if things have become hum-drum, boring, same old same-old, just a bit 'taking things for granted'-ish....?

 

See....i'm wondering if subconsciously, she wasn't trying to insert a bit of drama, a bit of "excitement" a bit of variety.... Because it sure as hell worked, if that as the case.

i'm not even imagining that she would realise this is her motive - she may even deny it - but it's odd that she believed you'd been married long enough for it to not matter....in other words, possibly, subconsciously, she wanted it to matter....

if she didn't think it would matter - why mention it at all...?

 

I'm just throwing a different slant into the ring...

most couples wanting to zing up their lives would introduce a different slant or sexual practice, just to spice and pep stuff up....

I'm not saying she made it up - but perhaps she wanted to just get some kind of stimulus going....

 

Really stupid way to go about grabbing your attention - but she got it....

 

What do YOU think you should do?

Was thinking the same thing. Wondering if she needed to create a scene that might push you away from her for some reason.

[Bailey39]

I believe honesty is extremely important in a marriage. I also believe a lie like this left untold will eventually corrupt a marriage anyway so it might as well be out, the sooner the better. I do believe I had a right to know.

The only reason she eventually told me the truth is because I convinced her I wouldn’t care if anything happened in the past. I always wondered what happened on the California trip (mainly because she came back acting different), but I never asked. I choose to trust that she would tell me the truth if it was important. Finally a couple of months ago I simply asked her and she told me what happened. After several weeks of me being very depressed and upset we scheduled an appointment with our pastor. The night before we were to meet with our pastor she told me about the second event. She said she couldn’t go before our pastor without telling me about everything else. She swears these were the only two things that ever happened. She has been very remorseful about how much this has hurt me and she says she would do anything to take both of them back. She also says she would do anything to save our marriage, including counseling. She does not know why she let these things happen. I forgave the first event as a simple night of partying going to far without me by her side. The second event is not as easy to forgive. It was a preplanned event where she knew exactly what was going to happen and she lied to my face before and after.

I do not think she has cheated since we have been married. We are together almost all of the time and I just don’t see how anything could have happened without me knowing. We simply do everything together. I do worry about the future. She says she would never put herself into a situation where cheating would be a possibility. After 10 years of lies I don’t know what I can believe from her mouth. That sounds terrible but I feel I am just getting to know what she is capable of. I question everything. I don’t think I can be with someone I can’t trust. I have always heard that if someone can bring themselves to cheat once they will always be able to do it again. Is this true, something about not feeling the remorse?

She is telling me I need to forgive her so we can move forward. I don’t know how to do this. Our pastor also says I must forgive. Is it possible to have a relationship without forgiving something like this? I do love her but I don’t see a path to forgiveness yet. Can you help?

I do not keep secrets from my wife and never have. She knows about this forum and she does read it. She does not think it is a bad idea. She may even post a response.

[The Blue Knight]

I believe honesty is extremely important in a marriage. I also believe a lie like this left untold will eventually corrupt a marriage anyway so it might as well be out, the sooner the better. I do believe I had a right to know.

The only reason she eventually told me the truth is because I convinced her I wouldn’t care if anything happened in the past. I always wondered what happened on the California trip (mainly because she came back acting different), but I never asked. I choose to trust that she would tell me the truth if it was important. Finally a couple of months ago I simply asked her and she told me what happened. After several weeks of me being very depressed and upset we scheduled an appointment with our pastor. The night before we were to meet with our pastor she told me about the second event. She said she couldn’t go before our pastor without telling me about everything else. She swears these were the only two things that ever happened. She has been very remorseful about how much this has hurt me and she says she would do anything to take both of them back. She also says she would do anything to save our marriage, including counseling. She does not know why she let these things happen. I forgave the first event as a simple night of partying going to far without me by her side. The second event is not as easy to forgive. It was a preplanned event where she knew exactly what was going to happen and she lied to my face before and after.

I do not think she has cheated since we have been married. We are together almost all of the time and I just don’t see how anything could have happened without me knowing. We simply do everything together. I do worry about the future. She says she would never put herself into a situation where cheating would be a possibility. After 10 years of lies I don’t know what I can believe from her mouth. That sounds terrible but I feel I am just getting to know what she is capable of. I question everything. I don’t think I can be with someone I can’t trust. I have always heard that if someone can bring themselves to cheat once they will always be able to do it again. Is this true, something about not feeling the remorse?

She is telling me I need to forgive her so we can move forward. I don’t know how to do this. Our pastor also says I must forgive. Is it possible to have a relationship without forgiving something like this? I do love her but I don’t see a path to forgiveness yet. Can you help?

I do not keep secrets from my wife and never have. She knows about this forum and she does read it. She does not think it is a bad idea. She may even post a response.

 

Bailey, your pastor is right. I have no idea your church affiliation but if it's a Bible-based place of worship, you know this to be true. No, you can never move forward without forgiving your wife, and you know that. This will drag on and essentially destroy the marriage like a disease.

 

This is not ADULTERY. This is dishonesty and there is a difference. If you let it fester you'll never move forward. Nobody can expect you to "just get over it" but I think time does heal most things and if she's there begging for you to forgive her how can you not?

 

It sounds like your wife was sowing some wild oats that for whatever reason she justified at the time. Perhaps because she had always been well-behaved sexually she figured if there was a time to do it, that was the time. It's something she regrets today and that's the POINT. If you've had a good marriage for the past ten years, why trash all that you've built because of this disclosure? Is she a different woman suddenly from the woman you've known for the past ten years? Of course not.

 

And I suspect you're right. If your wife had cheated on you throughout the marriage you'd likely know it. Most women don't hide it very well if they are monogamous types. Christian authors Gary Smalley, Gary Chapman, and Willard Harley all have good books on Amazon about surviving this type of situation, although those are usually full-blown affairs. Look at some of their material.

[TaraMaiden]

I believe honesty is extremely important in a marriage. I also believe a lie like this left untold will eventually corrupt a marriage anyway so it might as well be out, the sooner the better. I do believe I had a right to know.

I agree with you. But obviously you had no idea this was all going to come out....

The only reason she eventually told me the truth is because I convinced her I wouldn’t care if anything happened in the past.

Oh, so you essentially manipulated her into confessing... you assured her of something which you were then unable to fulfill....

 

... a couple of months ago I simply asked her and she told me what happened. After several weeks of me being very depressed and upset we scheduled an appointment with our pastor.

what made you declare that 'you wouldn't care if anything happened in the past'?

Really, to an extent you brought this situation upon yourself....

There is such a thing as letting sleeping dogs lie....

 

She has been very remorseful about how much this has hurt me and she says she would do anything to take both of them back. She also says she would do anything to save our marriage, including counseling. She does not know why she let these things happen.

 

so it's not as if she carelessly tossed you this information as a by-the-way... you extracted the information from her, assuring her that it wouldn't matter what happened in the past - and even after confessing the first incident alone, you demonstrated that this was patently untrue.

And she did ask forgiveness, she did show remorse, and she did say that she would do whatever it takes to move past this... so she's not cruel, callous, bitchy or ruthless with it....She's actually working to relieve you of the pain - you're self inflicting....

 

I forgave the first event as a simple night of partying going to far without me by her side. The second event is not as easy to forgive. It was a preplanned event where she knew exactly what was going to happen and she lied to my face before and after.

BUT YOU DIDN'T FORGIVE ANYTHING!!

you just admitted you became depressed and you both decided to go to the pastor for counselling! so essentially, you have just upped the condemnation - because she chose to be completely open, honest and candid with you.

you're punishing her even more for finding the courage to reveal everything!

You reneged on your word about letting things go, then you doubled your efforts, when she came completely clean to you!

 

I do not think she has cheated since we have been married. We are together almost all of the time and I just don’t see how anything could have happened without me knowing. We simply do everything together. I do worry about the future. She says she would never put herself into a situation where cheating would be a possibility.

Then believe her.

because if she had found reason in her mind to cheat, before now, she would have done. the fact that you have discovered this now, is simply your fear, making you mistrust her - not her 'lies'.

 

because After 10 years of lies I don’t know what I can believe from her mouth. That sounds terrible but I feel I am just getting to know what she is capable of.

 

Oh stop it!

Ten years of lies! for goodness' sake!

she hasn't been lying to you for 10 years, she's kept something potentially hurtful and damaging from you - and she was right! because through your probing, you have now decided this has put everything you two have ever done, in jeopardy! she was completely frank, pen and honest with you - based on an assurance you gave her - which completely flew in the face of the truth! aso you misled her too, by assuring her that you would adopt a forgiving and understanding attitude! so tell me - when you now speak to her - how can she trust that YOU will stand by YOUR assurances?!

 

I question everything. I don’t think I can be with someone I can’t trust. I have always heard that if someone can bring themselves to cheat once they will always be able to do it again. Is this true, something about not feeling the remorse?

By your own testimony, you confirm that she would not have cheated in the past 10 years.

by my reckoning, I'm telling you - had she really wanted to, she would have done. this is now puerile, and you're being melodramatic. she's feeling remorse, she was completely honest with you, based on your assurances, and she's willing to do what it takes.

What more do you want?

 

She is telling me I need to forgive her so we can move forward.

 

She's damn right!

 

I don’t know how to do this. Our pastor also says I must forgive.

He's right too - and read your bible - plenty in there about forgiveness and compassion....

 

Is it possible to have a relationship without forgiving something like this?

No.

You opened up this can of worms.

You gave her an assurance you have now reneged on.

 

You also have to bear some responsibility in this.

 

She is absolutely to blame for having had these flings before you were married - no question.

you are absolutely responsible for the mess that exists now.

 

I do love her but I don’t see a path to forgiveness yet. Can you help?

Do you want help?

Or validation?

because the way this thread began, has now taken a different slant after you admitted that you misled her and tricked her into confessing.

 

And it was a misleading trick - because you told her it wouldn't matter if she confessed - and she admitted to the first incident - only to have you become depressed. So in essence, if you'd just shut up, and she had just shut up - this wouldn't be happening - would it?

 

I agree you cannot continue a relationship on a lie.

And she's been completely honest with you.

Now?

Now you have a problem.

you have a problem, because the one thing holding everything up, and stopping it from moving on - is not her revelation - but your unforgiving attitude.

 

so, you have to find a way in yourself to not make your affection conditional, and to realise that two indiscretions - dating back quite a few years now, to BEFORE the wedding - are not sufficient to rock the marriage and family you two have built together over the past ten years.

Edited April 6, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[HeavyHitter]

I believe honesty is extremely important in a marriage. I also believe a lie like this left untold will eventually corrupt a marriage anyway so it might as well be out, the sooner the better. I do believe I had a right to know.

 

Yes you did have a right to know and she had absolutely no right to keep that information from you.

 

The only reason she eventually told me the truth is because I convinced her I wouldn’t care if anything happened in the past.

 

But we know that's not true. You only said that in order for her to fess up, which is okay but at the same time look at the reason she only told you: Because she thought that you weren't going to be angry about it and rock her world. She didn't tell you because she cared about you, she told you because she thought that you would get over it.

 

The fact that you essentially knew something was going on shines even more light on her deception, and it is not surprising one member here is belittling you in an attempt to make you feel guilty for being angry because you were betrayed.

 

I always wondered what happened on the California trip (mainly because she came back acting different), but I never asked. I choose to trust that she would tell me the truth if it was important. Finally a couple of months ago I simply asked her and she told me what happened.

 

Only because you found out something wasn't quite right. The fact remains she cares nothing about you, and more than likely has slept with other men at your expense.

 

After several weeks of me being very depressed and upset we scheduled an appointment with our pastor. The night before we were to meet with our pastor she told me about the second event. She said she couldn’t go before our pastor without telling me about everything else. She swears these were the only two things that ever happened. She has been very remorseful about how much this has hurt me and she says she would do anything to take both of them back.

 

If she is so "very remorseful" as you put it then why has she been telling you to get over it and move on? Does that honestly sound like a woman who has your best interests at heart? No. Fact is now that you told us the real reason why she confessed, it can be said that she probably wasn't going to tell you about this anytime soon until she felt comfortable. Only because you knew something was up when she opened her mouth. She has been lying to you for YEARS to the point that it has become an almost normal tactic to her. You cannot take everything she says at face value, but you at least know exactly what she's capable of. Get your ducks in a row man before this becomes worse. Telling you to get over it is insanely disrespectful on her part along with her affairs.

 

She also says she would do anything to save our marriage, including counseling.

 

Yea that's what they all say when they're at risk of losing their stable life. Your wife is master manipulator and liar, saying all of the right things to calm you down so you won't be angry at her and still see her like a purified angel. It's just a smokescreen.

 

She does not know why she let these things happen.

 

Yes she does. She let them happen because she wanted those things to happen. Plain and simple, yet really shows how your whole relationship is based on lies.

 

I forgave the first event as a simple night of partying going to far without me by her side.

 

If you need to watch her like she's a 13 year old, then all the more reason why you need to divorce her. She cheated because she wanted to but of course she won't directly tell you that she wanted to and that she thought it was good, since she kept carrying on with the covert activities with more men.

 

The second event is not as easy to forgive. It was a preplanned event where she knew exactly what was going to happen and she lied to my face before and after.

 

The second event is no different than the first. She let it happen under her watch, her consent. And I doubt that since you just found out only two of her affairs that you're in a state of mind where her affairs do not overly cloud your judgement so much. You're angry and it's understandable, but quite frankly you're soaking in so much of her lies when she played you and does not give a damn that she hurt you.

 

I do not think she has cheated since we have been married.

 

This is exactly what she wants you to believe so you won't pull the trigger. She wants you to basically be a fool in thinking this.

 

We are together almost all of the time and I just don’t see how anything could have happened without me knowing. We simply do everything together.

 

And in spite of everything, she had a window of opportunity to sleep with two men under your nose without you knowing about it, which goes to show how much of a cunning, calculating woman she is. To dismiss the high possibility of her sleeping with more than the two men she decided to tell you about would be borderline denial.

 

I do worry about the future. She says she would never put herself into a situation where cheating would be a possibility. After 10 years of lies I don’t know what I can believe from her mouth. That sounds terrible but I feel I am just getting to know what she is capable of.

 

Exactly and you know darn well you cannot believe a word that she says, which is why you need to get tested and get paternity tests for those kids. You're in shock and it's understandable for you to want to believe her because you've been committed for so long and thought she was the love of your life, to not believe a thing she says because you know she slept with two men and more.

 

What you know now is only the tip of the iceberg.

 

I question everything. I don’t think I can be with someone I can’t trust. I have always heard that if someone can bring themselves to cheat once they will always be able to do it again. Is this true, something about not feeling the remorse?

 

Yes it is true. Cheaters do not feel remorse about what they've done, and they will try hard to convince you otherwise in order to manipulate you into trusting them. Your wife has only told you about two men, and those two affairs alone have damaged your marriage before you two even went to the altar. The marriage you have now is based on her concoction, deception, and manipulation. She knew that if she told you she slept with two men before you got married that you would've called off the wedding so she weighed her options and calculated the risks in not telling you anything, and her sick plan was coming to fruition when by a miracle you knew something was up, which ultimately shattered her plan A. Now she's on plan B trying spinning up a whole bunch of lies tell you what you want to hear so you won't put this farce of a marriage out of it's misery.

 

She is telling me I need to forgive her so we can move forward.

 

She's telling you that she doesn't care that she hurt you and lied to you for so many years. All she's saying is that she doesn't want you to divorce her so her stable life won't be ruined. She knows darn well you won't be even thinking about forgiveness right now, and she's trying to gently nudge you into staying while telling you what you want to hear.

 

I don’t know how to do this. Our pastor also says I must forgive.

 

Well the pastor doesn't know what he's talking about, and it's unrealistic for someone who's been traumatically damaged to even think about "forgiveness."

 

Is it possible to have a relationship without forgiving something like this? I do love her but I don’t see a path to forgiveness yet. Can you help?

 

You can stay if you want, but years down the line after you've calmed down significantly you'll gain so much resentment that you'll explode, and that is not a great way to live for you and for your kids (if they're yours). You need to at least see a lawyer to know your options, and getting yourself tested and paternity tests for those kids would be a good start.

 

I do not keep secrets from my wife and never have. She knows about this forum and she does read it. She does not think it is a bad idea. She may even post a response.

 

I would've advised against letting her know you post here but now that it's out in the open she gets to use this to her advantage and anticipate your moves in the future.