Therapy is making it worse

[NeverDated]

The short of the story that got me to therapy was my loving, wonderful boyfriend looked at me during a fight and said, "I understand what I did was wrong, but I'm tired of paying the price for someone else's mistakes. You're taking out your feeling toward him on me and I think you need to see someone to deal with it."

 

Sound, rational, adult statement.

 

So now I've been seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma and abuse for 6 weeks. We have yet to really discuss my ex-husband's abusive tendencies. Every time it comes up, we tangent onto a different "layer" of the onion - how my father's physically/emotionally abusive tendencies toward me/my mother led to me to accept that behavior from my husband, how it has impacted my ability to mother my children, how I feel as a woman, etc. But every time I leave a session, I feel worse than when I walked in. I cry the entire time. Whether it's sobbing or just a steady stream of tears, I just cry and cry. Sometimes I cry for hours after I leave.

 

I'm having horrific dreams about my ex-husband, and constantly thinking about things he's done to me. Before I started therapy, I'd pushed it aside and those memories were an infrequent thing that only came up when something triggered them. Now they're forefront in my mind.

 

When does this get better? I really feel, right now, that I was doing better as a human being before I entered counselling. I feel overall more depressed and ill at ease with life. I've been told if it goes for three or four months like this, without improvement, it's time to find a new therapist. I just put up with so much from him for so long I'm beginning to think it's impossible to ever really "deal" with the issues.

[LuckyLady13]

I'm sorry to hear things have been going in this direction for you. It must be very hard to deal with.

 

I've heard plenty of people say they've had "therapy" that went exactly as you described but there are other ways to go about this. I had therapy myself and my therapist had a constantly move forward attitude and I don't remember crying once. The therapist I talked to had a different approach and I sincerely think you may want to find another therapist with a better approach for you. After what you've been through already it sounds like you should feel better, not worse. It sounds like you've been through enough.

 

I'm not saying your therapist is bad but maybe wrong for you. Sounds like it's already time to do some therapist shopping and ask up front what their approach would be for your situation.

[darkmoon]

a good counsellor talks about day-to-day new ways of looking at things

cognitive therapy is also good for this

 

i had a rubbish therapist once too, hissy fits and obvious nervousness over how to help me - ask for a refund

[CopingGal]

The short of the story that got me to therapy was my loving, wonderful boyfriend looked at me during a fight and said, "I understand what I did was wrong, but I'm tired of paying the price for someone else's mistakes. You're taking out your feeling toward him on me and I think you need to see someone to deal with it."

 

Sound, rational, adult statement.

 

So now I've been seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma and abuse for 6 weeks. We have yet to really discuss my ex-husband's abusive tendencies. Every time it comes up, we tangent onto a different "layer" of the onion - how my father's physically/emotionally abusive tendencies toward me/my mother led to me to accept that behavior from my husband, how it has impacted my ability to mother my children, how I feel as a woman, etc. But every time I leave a session, I feel worse than when I walked in. I cry the entire time. Whether it's sobbing or just a steady stream of tears, I just cry and cry. Sometimes I cry for hours after I leave.

 

I'm having horrific dreams about my ex-husband, and constantly thinking about things he's done to me. Before I started therapy, I'd pushed it aside and those memories were an infrequent thing that only came up when something triggered them. Now they're forefront in my mind.

 

When does this get better? I really feel, right now, that I was doing better as a human being before I entered counselling. I feel overall more depressed and ill at ease with life. I've been told if it goes for three or four months like this, without improvement, it's time to find a new therapist. I just put up with so much from him for so long I'm beginning to think it's impossible to ever really "deal" with the issues.

 

I'm sorry you feel bad. Yes, therapy can be raw and make you feel worse. It can be very painful.

 

Some therapist dive into the past, but nowadays, most do not. Cognitive behavioral therapist focus on the hear and now. They may find out a little bit about the past, but the focus is on the here and now. Any type of therapy might be painful, but if you want someone who is focusing on the present, seek out a cognitive behavioral therapist. They specialize in short-term therapy with an attack on the current problem.

[NeverDated]

Thank you. That's the point I'm getting to. My boyfriend asked me to give it another 4 weeks to break through this. He went through therapy in his late teens (his family is 47 different kinds of messed up and destructive) and he said for the first month and half he left angry and resentful, but did finally have a "breakthrough."

 

One thing I should have mentioned in my original post is I'm 20 weeks pregnant. It's so hard to say if I'd be crying this much if I wasn't pregnant...I just finished crying over my kitchen being dirty, but not being able to stand the smell enough to clean it. I cried because my 9 year old ate the last of my granola. Maybe the crying is my hormones, not the therapy. I don't know.

 

And yes...the last long while has been quite bad. I'd say the last 12 years have been a constant stream of ups and downs, mostly downs, with abuse from father then husband, medical problems, deaths, on and on. I'm trying to tell myself that my therapist is simply dealing with the most immediate issues before delving into the deeper ones, but everything is so intertwined it's hard for me to untangle them in my mind.

[KathyM]

The short of the story that got me to therapy was my loving, wonderful boyfriend looked at me during a fight and said, "I understand what I did was wrong, but I'm tired of paying the price for someone else's mistakes. You're taking out your feeling toward him on me and I think you need to see someone to deal with it."

 

Sound, rational, adult statement.

 

So now I've been seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma and abuse for 6 weeks. We have yet to really discuss my ex-husband's abusive tendencies. Every time it comes up, we tangent onto a different "layer" of the onion - how my father's physically/emotionally abusive tendencies toward me/my mother led to me to accept that behavior from my husband, how it has impacted my ability to mother my children, how I feel as a woman, etc. But every time I leave a session, I feel worse than when I walked in. I cry the entire time. Whether it's sobbing or just a steady stream of tears, I just cry and cry. Sometimes I cry for hours after I leave.

 

I'm having horrific dreams about my ex-husband, and constantly thinking about things he's done to me. Before I started therapy, I'd pushed it aside and those memories were an infrequent thing that only came up when something triggered them. Now they're forefront in my mind.

 

When does this get better? I really feel, right now, that I was doing better as a human being before I entered counselling. I feel overall more depressed and ill at ease with life. I've been told if it goes for three or four months like this, without improvement, it's time to find a new therapist. I just put up with so much from him for so long I'm beginning to think it's impossible to ever really "deal" with the issues.

Six weeks is too little time to expect to feel better for what you have gone through. You have deep-seated issues from the abuse you and your mother received at the hands of your father, and which is impacting your relationships since then. You have repressed these difficult feelings in order to cope with life, but they are continuing to negatively impact your relationships regardless. Until you bring these repressed issues out in the open and deal with them and emotionally process them, you are not going to get better. Your therapist is doing the right thing by getting the emotions and repressed feelings out in the open so they can be dealt with. His form of therapy, which I am assuming is psychoanalytic therapy, is the right form for what you have been through. This form of therapy also takes quite a long time, because it involves uncovering repressed feelings and emotions from your childhood, and helping you to develop insight into the dynamics involved and processing your feelings about what occurred. Give it more time. You will feel worse before you feel better, because these negative feelings are coming to the surface that you have repressed. But allowing them to come to the surface in order to process them is the only way you are going to be able to eventually let them go and not allow them to affect your current or future relationships.

[darkmoon]

but still don't hand over your reality to a moron, go to somebody who is kind, i have a bad childhood but dwelling on it and picking it over is just part of being ok - ask for a refund no therapist needs to reduce you to tears while you relive a gross but unalterable past too un$upportive

 

please learn to live happily

[CopingGal]

I still think Cognitive Behavioral therapy is the way to go, esp. for someone in your condition. Going back to the past takes years. Most cognitive behavorial therapist can bring about great change in 8 weeks with the therapies they use.

 

I think you should do the Cognitive Behavioral therapy and concentrate on feeling better now. After the baby is born, if you want to have a different kind of therapy and go back to the past and relive all of that stuff, you can, but uplighting emotionl turmoil on a regular bases may not be good for the baby inside you.

[betterdeal]

What would you like therapy to give you? For me, being able to express how I am, how I feel about myself, and the recurring issues, and receive suggestions as to how to improve those things in similar situations has been very helpful.

 

But, I think, to get there, I did need to spend a few months talking about my past. I talked about it, and he listened, and was compassionate. After a while, I felt safe enough in his company to discuss more recent things, current things and that's where it starts getting really interesting.

 

I felt better after each session from the start, even if I resented going in the first place, so either the therapist is not right for you, or the approach can be changed to make the sessions better for you, or you can stop for a bit. I did, for a couple of months, then restarted with the same therapist.

 

Perhaps tell your therapist how you feel about the therapy, and how it makes you feel after each session. She or he may be able to change the tone, pace, approach to something more suitable for you.

[CopingGal]

but uplighting emotionl turmoil on a regular bases may not be good for the baby inside you.

 

I meant uplifting emotional turmoil

[betterdeal]

I meant uplifting emotional turmoil

 

True, and a good skill to learn for the here and now is to be able to express your fear or dislike of something to trustworthy people in simple, non-aggressive ways.

 

Saying something like "I feel very upset at the end of sessions, especially when we talk about my childhood, and am concerned about the effect it may have on my unborn child. Can we approach this differently?" is one way to do that.

 

If your therapist is worth an ounce of salt, they will take that on board, and adjust the process. If they don't, may be time to sack them and hire a new one.

[CopingGal]

True, and a good skill to learn for the here and now is to be able to express your fear or dislike of something to trustworthy people in simple, non-aggressive ways.

 

Saying something like "I feel very upset at the end of sessions, especially when we talk about my childhood, and am concerned about the effect it may have on my unborn child. Can we approach this differently?" is one way to do that.

 

If your therapist is worth an ounce of salt, they will take that on board, and adjust the process. If they don't, may be time to sack them and hire a new one.

 

The thing is that therapists ascribe to a school of thought. This therapist may not have even been trained in cognitive behavior therapy. He sounds like he is a psychodynamic therapist or even counsels with elements of psychoanalysis. Psychodynamic therapy is shorter than psychoanalysis but contains some of the same elements. I believe it's still longer than cognitve behavioral therapy. Psychoanalysis takes many years to complete with a patient.

[betterdeal]

I agree that psychoanalysis is next to useless for creating significant change. But it might be a journey some of us have to take in order to be in the right place for CBT or DBT or any of the other training techniques to be effective.

 

NeverDated, if it hurts too much, stop doing it. Find a different therapist and explain what you want to achieve. What is it you want to achieve?

[NeverDated]

I can't honestly say what I want to achieve.

 

I didn't think I "needed" therapy in the first place. I felt (and to some degree still feel) I was coping just fine. Before my boyfriend made that statement, my aunt, my deceased mother's best friend and a few other close friends/family members both told me I needed to see someone just to work things out.

 

One of the things my father's brand of abuse left me with - and I have been aware of for years - is an inability to show emotion. As a child and adolescent, being happy or excited was met with mocking; being sad was met with a refusal to empathize and dismissal; being angry was met with the back of a hand. I have had friends describe me as "emotionless" and "stoic" - when I'm really not, but I often find myself choking back a smile, or a laugh, or a frown. At my ultrasound, for example, I cracked one smile while my boyfriend's sister was close to tears of happiness.

 

The only symptom of emotion I'm comfortable showing is tears, because I learned early on that a good cry fest either diffused my abusive husband's anger (when I was pregnant) or convinced him to leave me alone completely (the rest of the time). Either way, it would get him to back off from the 'I'm about to beat the crap out of you' look.

 

Obviously, this is and will be an impediment to my progress in therapy. I suppose after writing all that, first and foremost, that's what I'd like to move past. I'd like to learn how to connect "feelings" and "emotions" and be able to express them in a reasonable, appropriate manner.

[KathyM]

I can't honestly say what I want to achieve.

 

I didn't think I "needed" therapy in the first place. I felt (and to some degree still feel) I was coping just fine. Before my boyfriend made that statement, my aunt, my deceased mother's best friend and a few other close friends/family members both told me I needed to see someone just to work things out.

 

One of the things my father's brand of abuse left me with - and I have been aware of for years - is an inability to show emotion. As a child and adolescent, being happy or excited was met with mocking; being sad was met with a refusal to empathize and dismissal; being angry was met with the back of a hand. I have had friends describe me as "emotionless" and "stoic" - when I'm really not, but I often find myself choking back a smile, or a laugh, or a frown. At my ultrasound, for example, I cracked one smile while my boyfriend's sister was close to tears of happiness.

 

The only symptom of emotion I'm comfortable showing is tears, because I learned early on that a good cry fest either diffused my abusive husband's anger (when I was pregnant) or convinced him to leave me alone completely (the rest of the time). Either way, it would get him to back off from the 'I'm about to beat the crap out of you' look.

 

Obviously, this is and will be an impediment to my progress in therapy. I suppose after writing all that, first and foremost, that's what I'd like to move past. I'd like to learn how to connect "feelings" and "emotions" and be able to express them in a reasonable, appropriate manner.

Then you need to continue with therapy. Being cut off from your emotions or restricted in your emotions is not healthy. You have supressed your feelings as a self defense measure, but that is hindering you from having a normal life. Continue with the therapy and don't expect quick results. It took many years to develop the pattern of emotional cut off that you did. It's not going to be solved in a few weeks or a few months. More like a couple of years.

[NeverDated]

I should also add, maybe gratuitously, that I'm OK with this process taking months or even years. I don't expect an overnight solution to issues going back 20 years. From the age of 8 to 26 (when my mother passed), I was her "protector" from my father. My grandmother (who passed when I was 25) also took on that role. I also have some fairly disturbed world views from how my mother coped with her marriage, how my father treated me/my grandmother, and the overall philosophy she had on "bad" events.

 

Anyway, since this is such a long-term issue and there isn't a specific "behavior" that needs to be addressed, I don't know if I'll be able to get any real closure or improvement for the manifestations without going through a fairly significant down period. With my original posting, I just didn't know if it was normal to experience such intense emotions when beginning therapy. If it's par for the course, I'll tough it out and fight through it in the hopes that there's some kind of relief in the future.

[KathyM]

I should also add, maybe gratuitously, that I'm OK with this process taking months or even years. I don't expect an overnight solution to issues going back 20 years. From the age of 8 to 26 (when my mother passed), I was her "protector" from my father. My grandmother (who passed when I was 25) also took on that role. I also have some fairly disturbed world views from how my mother coped with her marriage, how my father treated me/my grandmother, and the overall philosophy she had on "bad" events.

 

Anyway, since this is such a long-term issue and there isn't a specific "behavior" that needs to be addressed, I don't know if I'll be able to get any real closure or improvement for the manifestations without going through a fairly significant down period. With my original posting, I just didn't know if it was normal to experience such intense emotions when beginning therapy. If it's par for the course, I'll tough it out and fight through it in the hopes that there's some kind of relief in the future.

It IS normal to experience intense emotions that are being brought to the surface, which you had been trying to supress. It's part of the grieving process, actually. Allowing yourself to feel the grief, anger, hurt, etc., that is a normal reaction to abuse is the first step towards recovery. Allow yourself to feel those things, and don't be afraid to feel those things. It's helping you to get in touch with normal feelings which you had previously suppressed.

[betterdeal]

I can't honestly say what I want to achieve.

 

I didn't think I "needed" therapy in the first place. I felt (and to some degree still feel) I was coping just fine. Before my boyfriend made that statement, my aunt, my deceased mother's best friend and a few other close friends/family members both told me I needed to see someone just to work things out.

 

One of the things my father's brand of abuse left me with - and I have been aware of for years - is an inability to show emotion. As a child and adolescent, being happy or excited was met with mocking; being sad was met with a refusal to empathize and dismissal; being angry was met with the back of a hand. I have had friends describe me as "emotionless" and "stoic" - when I'm really not, but I often find myself choking back a smile, or a laugh, or a frown. At my ultrasound, for example, I cracked one smile while my boyfriend's sister was close to tears of happiness.

 

The only symptom of emotion I'm comfortable showing is tears, because I learned early on that a good cry fest either diffused my abusive husband's anger (when I was pregnant) or convinced him to leave me alone completely (the rest of the time). Either way, it would get him to back off from the 'I'm about to beat the crap out of you' look.

 

Obviously, this is and will be an impediment to my progress in therapy. I suppose after writing all that, first and foremost, that's what I'd like to move past. I'd like to learn how to connect "feelings" and "emotions" and be able to express them in a reasonable, appropriate manner.

 

What an excellent, concise and clearly put objective, and the prime one I had when I started on a similar journey. As KathyM has said, it can feel overwhelming to be feeling feelings for the first time in a long while.

 

The therapeutic setting is a good place to start feeling and expressing how you feel. The therapist is what some would call a "safe person" with whom you can share your feelings. It is a discrete relationship with someone who is not part of your day to day life. As you get more used to it, it will become more natural and comfortable for you.

 

I read a few books that helped along the way. If you'd like recommendations, just say.

[Forever Learning]

I read a few books that helped along the way. If you'd like recommendations, just say.

 

If you wouldn't mind listing a few book titles here, that would be great, I'd be interested, thanks!

[Forever Learning]

I should also add, maybe gratuitously, that I'm OK with this process taking months or even years. I don't expect an overnight solution to issues going back 20 years. From the age of 8 to 26 (when my mother passed), I was her "protector" from my father. My grandmother (who passed when I was 25) also took on that role. I also have some fairly disturbed world views from how my mother coped with her marriage, how my father treated me/my grandmother, and the overall philosophy she had on "bad" events.

 

Anyway, since this is such a long-term issue and there isn't a specific "behavior" that needs to be addressed, I don't know if I'll be able to get any real closure or improvement for the manifestations without going through a fairly significant down period. With my original posting, I just didn't know if it was normal to experience such intense emotions when beginning therapy. If it's par for the course, I'll tough it out and fight through it in the hopes that there's some kind of relief in the future.

 

It seems to me that sometimes part of the healing process is being able to tell your story and what you experienced. I understand about you repressing memories from bad things you experienced. I did so to such an extent, I experienced some memory loss. That is the down side of memory repression in the long term.

 

And so after long term repression, then what happens is when the memories come back (a good thing, I think), well it makes sense you would want to share and discuss them with someone, to tell 'your story'.

 

You can do that a variety of places, both here (to whatever extent you like, even in bits and pieces) and with your therapist.

 

Then again, all this emotional turmoil you are experiencing, while pregnant, is a bit worrisome. I don't know whether it should be of concern or not, to be this upset all the time while pregnant. I've read different reports about what a mother's stress level (cortisol and such) can do to the baby. As when most 'research', there is some evidence of possible detriment, but the jury is still out.

 

Maybe you should think to do the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy while pregnant, if it would be less upsetting, and try another method down the road, after the baby is born. Just a thought.

 

Finally, if you find yourself sinking into a depression, you should talk to your doctor about taking anti-depressants while pregnant. I know several people who have done so, although some anti-depressants (Zoloft comes to mind) are not recommended. A lower dose would be preferred to a high dose, as you can imagine. But the bottom line is, pregnancy is hard enough without serious depression on top of it. I only mention because all the crying gives me pause to think that perhaps you could be headed in that direction. Just something to think about. Good luck, and well done in trying learn more about yourself via therapy, very brave of you.

Edited April 5, 2012 by Forever Learning

[2sunny]

Yes, it's normal. You are doing well to keep going!

 

All the therapy brings back the "assigned meaning" and old events trigger huge emotions.

 

Crying is good! It's healing and shows you're getting emotions out! Some hings may help you. Draw! Even sidewalk chalk! Get the emotions out of your head and your body and put them somewhere! You can wash the chalk away! Break things! Get the anger out! Yell! Scream! It's good to SAY OUT LIUD what you're mad at!

 

Having a voice and speaking your truth helps!

 

Read a good book that explains a bit about the way we were raised affects us "the voice of knowledge" by don Miguel Ruiz I learned I didn't need to believe anymore - what I was taught growing up! That I could UNLEARN it! And then learn a new way THAT WORKS FOR ME!

 

Keep going! It gets better!

 

I worked with a highly trained trauma counselor for almost a year. First 6months every week. Was fantastic to let go of what wasn't working for me - and to learn to have a voice and speak my truth. I learned that I had value. I learned that I will never ALLOW another man to manipulate and control me!

 

I learned how to express and show the emotion I was feeling. I quit pretending to be happy when I wasn't.

 

I learned its perfectly great for me to say NO!!!

 

I am not the woman I used to be. I am strong and centered. I love this new life. I hope you can find the way that works for you too!!!

 

Hugs!

Edited April 5, 2012 by 2sunny

[freestyle]

A good analogy for revisiting those painful, often rug-swept memories, is debriding the wound.

 

Sometimes , an old wound needs to opened, and thoroughly cleaned out ---so that it can heal properly.

[betterdeal]

If you wouldn't mind listing a few book titles here, that would be great, I'd be interested, thanks!

 

Sure, there's the book recommendations page I made (and have just updated), which details books I found most interesting.

 

NeverDated, hope it all goes well. Keep us updated

[darkmoon]

OP cognitive therapy is newer, sleeker, quicker - really - you learn to evaluate your life anew

 

i got used to being dissappointed by greedy quasi-professionals charging good money they sell thier time which made one offer me thirty-six sessions to get me feeling ok then i said am too poor and next breath she said eighteen would do then it was an invite to join her group a room full of ppl also too poor

 

another greedy one at one hundred dollars an hour said plumbers charge alot too i said they put thier hands down loos for that but you don't - note they can be just ppl with issues of thier own - i also know one thru friends who is very lonely a johnny-no-mates nothing is good enough she's a miserable picky woman - i already mentioned the hissy fit that one had in a childish bid to be assertive she threw a tantrum

 

all ppl in a job working with ppl - but they egotistically can have poor social skills themselves

ask them why they wanted to be therapist$

 

your problems will fade, if you want to work wih a therapist you have every right to discuss your desired outcome

 

either these expensive ppl know what they are doing or they don't my NHS counsellor (free UK health care system) told me six sessions not cognitive but discussing my day and how i lived it - six worked, six she said and is what it was - this was about anoher part of my life btw - but many of these ppl can milk you

 

either you will feel better or you won't - see if they are money well spent by how you feel

simply, you are hiring them

Edited April 5, 2012 by darkmoon

[NeverDated]

Then again, all this emotional turmoil you are experiencing, while pregnant, is a bit worrisome. I don't know whether it should be of concern or not, to be this upset all the time while pregnant. I've read different reports about what a mother's stress level (cortisol and such) can do to the baby. As when most 'research', there is some evidence of possible detriment, but the jury is still out.

Thanks for being concerned about the baby. I've been giving it some thought since I posted this, and while I'm overall "sadder" I can honestly say I'm having fewer moments of acute anxiety. I was too a point where I would experience an anxiety attack every day, or even several times a day.

 

Even when do I experience "anxiety" in the last two weeks, I'm able to, typically, unravel which part of the situation is causing it. For example, yesterday morning, my boyfriend made the statement, "Just let me sleep - you get to stay home all day so you have no idea what it's like to work the hours I do." My initial reaction was anger (staying home with small children isn't exactly a cake walk), followed by panic. I just laid in bed for a good long while and was able to work through what triggered it - I'm not staying home by choice, if I could have a job I would, I had a wonderful I job but couldn't keep it because the commute was outside daycare hours, and I only need daycare because my mother is dead.

 

It seems so obvious now, but I know in my gut that seven or eight weeks ago, I wouldn't have made that connection. I would have just panicked "without cause." Anyway, point of all that, I think I am experiencing fewer moments of acute, spiking stress than when I started.

 

Finally, if you find yourself sinking into a depression, you should talk to your doctor about taking anti-depressants while pregnant. I know several people who have done so, although some anti-depressants (Zoloft comes to mind) are not recommended. A lower dose would be preferred to a high dose, as you can imagine.

My doctors are already talking Zoloft because of my history with post-partum depression, bordering on post-partum psychosis (both run in my family). With two of my daughters, I was on 25mg daily in various stages of pregnancy, and with my son I was on 25mg from 2 weeks post-partum on (I stupidly thought I was "strong enough" to beat the hormones...ha). I can definitely see some emotional effects in the daughter I took it with during the second trimester, so I'm fighting tooth and nail to stay off any SSRI at all, at least until after delivery.