The story of a fool

[Nukem]

thank you guys.

 

will keep you informed.

[tojaz]

The easiness which I am doing my plan frighten me.

 

Am I starting falling out of love?

What is happening with me? Or her emotional reactions make me feel that way?

 

They call it a rollercoaster for a reason. Your going to swing wildly from missing her with everything you have to being almost glad shes gone. Its normal, don't read too much into it.

 

TOJAZ

[Nukem]

I we agreed to proceed a divorce by mutual agreement.

When the lawyer is ready with the contract

we should meet in order to put our signatures.

 

Is this a mistake?

[Nukem]

I took the docs, talked to her father. She told them the story from her standpoint, that my behaviour is not constant etc.

 

She called me few minutes ago. I cancelled the call.

She sent an sms to call her when possible.

 

I'm going to call back later.

[Nukem]

Should I call or NC means absolutely NO contact.

[tojaz]

Nuke Em, NC isn't always right for every situation. It helps when talking has stalled, it helps when the other one is buried in the affair fog, and it certainly helps once you have committed yourself to moving on.

 

Some situations call for just picking and choosing your moments. Right now its all becoming real for her, you have showed her that your taking steps forward and she is taking the next steps for her, and thats gathering support.

 

I took the docs, talked to her father. She told them the story from her standpoint, that my behaviour is not constant etc.

 

Rather then NO CONTACT (NC) think of it as SELECTIVE CONTACT (SC) knowing when communication is open and when its not. Let her call, find out whats on her mind. If its something you can or want to talk about carry on if not, be able to POLITELY decline in such a way that she knows the lines of communication are open, but that you have limits.

 

The pattern I'm seeing is that she calls you and then lures you in so she can lay more of her justifications on you, then you will naturally feel compelled to defend ... chaos follows. Thats what you need to avoid right now, give her nothing to reinforce her negative feelings toward you.

(P.S. this is harder then it sounds, much harder)

 

TOJAZ

[Nukem]

I called her.

She wanted to ask me about our rights regarding the child.

I answered her that when the lawyer is ready I 'll send her the paper. She asked me If I was going to put her on trial. I answered that engaging lawyer is standard procedure. Wished her a nice day and hung up. Hope I didn't overact.

[Nukem]

She is acting like I am the reason for the divorce.

She told to friend of ours that I'll regret, when I try the taste of life and when I relize how much other women are money-oriented.

[robf1971]

I called her.

She wanted to ask me about our rights regarding the child.

I answered her that when the lawyer is ready I 'll send her the paper. She asked me If I was going to put her on trial. I answered that engaging lawyer is standard procedure. Wished her a nice day and hung up. Hope I didn't overact.

 

Nukem

 

Your stock answer =

 

The lawyers will make sure we both get as fair deal, Goodbye

[elfman]

Hey Nukem, you might not realize it, but this is already working for you. Keep at it, make sure you keep contact to a minimum and then, only regarding your daughter. If you want her back, this might be the only way to get her to realize what she is doing is not working.

 

"Are you going to put me on trial?" No, as I've told you, I am not seeking any financial gain from your estate, only to secure my rights as a parent and it is the lawyer's job to make sure we do this according to the law.

 

Good job so far man.

 

E.

[stillafool]

[[[[[[[[[[

Edited April 10, 2012 by stillafool

[stillafool]

You know I played this game months ago. I wanted her to suffer. Now we're both suffering. Anger is not the solution.

I've forgiven her sins long ago.

 

See that is your problem you "played this game". Stop playing games and tell your wife what you feel. Tell her you love her and your daughter more than anything on this earth. Tell her that her sleeping with another man broke your heart and caused you to resent the hell out of her for it. Tell her she ripped your heart out and you feel she never showed complete remorse. Tell her because of her lack of true remorse you felt the marriage was over but you are still in love with her and you want to try marriage counseling.

 

I am a woman and women want a man to stand up and tell her what he wants and feels. I think you both still love each other but you are still playing games. If your wife is the love of your life you being tested right now to put your pride aside and lay it on the table. If she leaves you after making it clear to her what you want, you will have no regrets and can go NC in peace. If she doesn't want to try MC and go ahead with the divorce then tell her the only contact you want from her is about your daughter. Tell her that you want to heal and move on with your life and NC would be best for you.

 

I think alot of your problems stem from you feeling your wife has more control in the marriage than you do. Her family seems to have money and I don't know how much that plays a part in your marriage. Perhaps you feel that showing indifference to your wife is the only control you have over her. You will be surprised to find that being brutality honest with her will work much better and help to relieve your stress.

[Nukem]

See that is your problem you "played this game". Stop playing games and tell your wife what you feel. Tell her you love her and your daughter more than anything on this earth.

 

I think you both still love each other but you are still playing games. If your wife is the love of your life you being tested right now to put your pride aside and lay it on the table. If she leaves you after making it clear to her what you want, you will have no regrets and can go NC in peace. If she doesn't want to try MC and go ahead with the divorce then tell her the only contact you want from her is about your daughter.

 

I think alot of your problems stem from you feeling your wife has more control in the marriage than you do. Her family seems to have money and I don't know how much that plays a part in your marriage. Perhaps you feel that showing indifference to your wife is the only control you have over her. You will be surprised to find that being brutality honest with her will work much better and help to relieve your stress.

 

Thank you stillafool.

 

Some background:

 

During her PA in August I lost 10kg, I wasn't able to sleep, my heart was going to explode. Suicidal thoughts were crossing in my mind. I wasn't able to work.

She knew it, and she was worrying about me. She was calling me every day. She was lying about the OM, she asserted that she was single at this time, because she wanted me not to suffer. But I knew the truth.

However I overcome the worst part.

 

When she split up she called me and invited me at her parents' house swimming pool. She admitted that I was the most handsome of her men, and at least I'm not so vulgar as the OM.

 

Later she invited me in her flat to look after our girl while she, her mother and the wife of colleague of mine were on concert. Right before getting out of the door she went mad (I don't remember the reason, but it was in me as usual ) During the concert she didn't stop talking against me. My colleague told me that she told to his wife she had taken me close to her because of sympathy, and not to commit suicide. Keep in mind that my suicidal thoughts were there months ago, in August.

 

So, lady, my pride has gone long time ago.

 

Yesterday I made it clear. I gave her choices:

- MS

- spending a holiday together without our daughter

- telling me how long I have to wait for her: 1, 2 , 10 years, because she told me that I wanted things to happen too fast

- Divorce

- separation is not a choice, it's a period people to realize their mistake and try to change themselves

 

She heard only the words "Divorce" and "Counselling".

 

I know this because her father and my friend who she met 2h. ago told me

She accepted it as an ultimatum.

She told our friend that I'm changeable and won't believe me, despite my confession about my "acting and games" etcetera.

She doesn't listen.

She told me "I know you will be good person only at the beginning, later on you will turn into that evil egocentric person. You cannot change yourself"

 

Remember what she told me in August "I am handsome and not vulgar".

When we were in England in July-August she also admitted that she values my goodness. And on 10th August she jumped in his bed and the suffering started.

 

In our Sunday talk she cried and said that I love only our daughter, but not her.

 

She has big problem. I don't know how her relatives do not realize it.

She is kind of psycho, I don't know, I'm also beginning to get insane.

 

Today her father told me that he was the only person who is against the divorce because he wants to save our daughter life intact.

 

During our marriage I let her to control. I was happy we had good jobs, and were financially independent. It have never been a problem for me. She might be ashamed of my small salary, I can only guess.

 

In November 2010 during our first reconciliation I bought her a diamond ring. It costs me a one month salary. She told me that she didn't deserve it, She never put the ring on her finger. At this time I wasn't aware of her EA. Knowing about her affair she could have been feeling guilt.

 

Today my friend also told me that she was coming home from work at 14h. He assured she was very distressed and wasn't able to work.

 

 

Sorry for my disarranged writings.

Edited April 10, 2012 by Nukem

[Nukem]

I am wondering is it a good idea writing her a letter with my proposal.

 

Apparently she didn't understand her choices correctly.

[Jstub]

She understood very well. She is just filtering things out at her own discretion and telling people what she wants them to hear. Just let it go.

[Nukem]

and stillafool, I'm not playing.

 

I'm doing 180, it is for me.

[Nukem]

She understood very well. She is just filtering things out at her own discretion and telling people what she wants them to hear. Just let it go.

 

Yep,

my friend told me that her arguments were very reasonable.

As reasonable as mine

[Jstub]

Yep,

my friend told me that her arguments were very reasonable.

As reasonable as mine

 

Everyone can justify pretty much anything. It's a sales technique that a lot of women are born with

[Nukem]

Some more pre-history:

 

- at the beginning of our reconciliation in September her first argument was that I do not love her, and I am just obsessed by her

(I guess that she thought that I strive her because of her wealth)

- somewhere in our conversations she inserted that I will never forgive her as an argument

- another argument is that I do not pay attention to our daughter, so she couldn't keep up with her classmates. And I shouted at her. While she shouts at her a lot more than me.

- She wanted me to show my love with actions, not with words. Apparently I failed.

- and now she again do not believe me

 

Also she continues to assert that OM doesn't the reason of our problems.

The OM is the result.

[Jstub]

Some more pre-history:

 

- at the beginning of our reconciliation in September her first argument was that I do not love her, and I am just obsessed by her

(I guess that she thought that I strive her because of her wealth)

- somewhere in our conversations she inserted that I will never forgive her as an argument

- another argument is that I do not pay attention to our daughter, so she couldn't keep up with her classmates. And I shouted at her. While she shouts at her a lot more than me.

- She wanted me to show my love with actions, not with words. Apparently I failed.

- and now she again do not believe me

 

Also she continues to assert that OM doesn't the reason of our problems.

The OM is the result.

 

I can almost guarantee you that if there was no OM in the picture, she would be willing to work on your marriage.

[Nukem]

I can almost guarantee you that if there was no OM in the picture, she would be willing to work on your marriage.

 

If so why she is so upset.

She could try again with him.

 

But she knows very well that he is a cheater.

During their affair he admitted to her that he constantly had been cheating on his wife.

And my stupid wife believed that she could be happy with a cheater.

 

If she believes him again she is hopeless.

[Nukem]

To make it clear I'll tell you one more detail:

 

the reason of her half-remorseful attitude is that she declared the "END" of our relationship in the mid of June. So during her PA I had no right to be jealous or to intervene her life. Our visit in England was just as friends, just to help her cope with the foreign language.

 

This is the reason of not feeling ashamed of her deed.

[Owl]

So...you are filing for divorce, right?

 

I see no grounds for reconciliation with someone who is so self-centered and deluded. Don't see how you could POSSIBLY end up with a happy relationship with someone like this, nor can I see how it would be healthy for your child to be in a home with this person.

 

File for divorce, full custody, and move on.

 

What's holding you back?

[stillafool]

and stillafool, I'm not playing.

 

I'm doing 180, it is for me.

 

 

Well it seems that you have done all that you can do. She is not a stable person or she is a spoiled brat. I have to say at this point you should go ahead and file. She has had an affair and if she wanted to reconcile after what you told her she would but she doesn't want to do the work. So be it. Don't go begging after her anymore and you should go strict NC at this point not for her but for you. Is there someone who can be a median for you regarding your daughter so you don't have to talk to your wife? If so, use them. She needs to know that you mean business this time.

[Nukem]

File for divorce, full custody, and move on.

 

What's holding you back?

 

In my country they always give the children to their mother.

My wife is financially powerful, the judges are corruptible. No chances.

 

I believe she wasn't so bed person before the affair.

I believe that me not being loving and communicative also contributed to our situation.

 

I also know that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger.

I hope when we reach the bottom of the swamp we can jump and start breathing with full strength.

 

We had nice memories also.

 

In our last two conversations I asked her:

''Tell me in the eyes, you don't want go skiing any more. Tell me you wasn't happy when we was at this and that holiday. Tell me you don't want going cycling any more''.

She answered she couldn't.

 

I think I was happy with her.