The story of a fool

[Nukem]

Explain to me again the benefits of a relationship with this woman?

 

If I love her I won't be interested by the benefits.

Love is to give and help your spouse. Though I'll tell some which refer to three of us:

- our daughter will have two parents. If I start a new relationship I won't be able to dedicate my whole weekends to her as it is now.

- we used to have great sex life, she is gorgeous and we continue to like each other

- I used to help her in her job and also she did

[Nukem]

There is, its called "Crazy Time" give it a look.TOJAZ

 

Tojaz the unpleasant part is that she remember all my sins very well and she will continue to repeat them all my life. It is not her Crazy Time, it's her Crazy Lifetime cause she exaggerates pretty much. She remember bad deed of mine which had happened even before we got married.

 

She asserts that no woman on earth would endure this. And I will make happy no woman cause I am incapable.

She begins with her prosecution in each of our fights.

Till now I managed to cope with.

 

If she decide to recon how am I supposed to find out?

May be she will text me or what?

[Nukem]

She has no a layer in her mind which tells her that I am trying to move on because of her not loving me. My moving on just confirms that she cannot rely on me.

 

She thinks like that: "I can live without the OM, I can live without my husband/ my first love, I can live without man at all. I have my daughter I don't need anyone else."

 

I might be wrong of course.

[Jstub]

Tojaz the unpleasant part is that she remember all my sins very well and she will continue to repeat them all my life. It is not her Crazy Time, it's her Crazy Lifetime cause she exaggerates pretty much. She remember bad deed of mine which had happened even before we got married.

 

She asserts that no woman on earth would endure this. And I will make happy no woman cause I am incapable.

She begins with her prosecution in each of our fights.

Till now I managed to cope with.

 

If she decide to recon how am I supposed to find out?

May be she will text me or what?

 

Nukem, you have to stop. You sound like you have no personality - what the **** - WAKE UP. You are your own person and if she doesn't want you she can **** off. I AM PISSED OFF FOR YOU. STOP LETTING HER HAVE SO MUCH POWER OF YOU - WHO CARES WHAT SHE HOLDS AGAINST YOU. It's all a bunch of bullcrap she is feeding you, to put ALL blame on you. She is justifying all her actions and keeping you on the hook for the what if. PLEASE stop. You want to become a better person? DO SO, you want to change for the better? DO SO but NOT FOR HER, FOR YOURSELF and maybe some other woman down the line. If she wants you, she will fight for you. WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH A WOMAN THAT DOES NOT WANT YOU? pleaseeeee for your own sake and your daughter's sake, wake up. You can't be a good parent if you are not somewhat happy.

 

I did not want to sound harsh, but I see what you are doing and how you are blaming yourself for everything and kissing her ass. It does not matter how beautiful she is on the outside, she is ugly in the inside. I am not saying go date an unattractive woman with a good personality, but beauty is not everything. DON'T BE HYPNOTIZED.

[Nukem]

Thanks Jstub,

 

You are absolutely right.

Currently I need to work on me, improving my English, concentrating

on my lessons and my job, cause their crucial in providing my daughter with her sport and studying activities.

[tojaz]

Tojaz the unpleasant part is that she remember all my sins very well and she will continue to repeat them all my life. It is not her Crazy Time, it's her Crazy Lifetime cause she exaggerates pretty much. She remember bad deed of mine which had happened even before we got married.

 

She asserts that no woman on earth would endure this. And I will make happy no woman cause I am incapable.

She begins with her prosecution in each of our fights.

Till now I managed to cope with.

 

If she decide to recon how am I supposed to find out?

May be she will text me or what?

 

Of course she does Nuke, they serve her purposes. I've been there man, had every mistake I had made shouted at me, trivial as the car i liked or the paint on the bloody walls.

 

All the things I did right? GONE! Killing myself working on the side when things where tight, giving her a home when her father showed her the curb? GONE! There was no reminding her either, in her mind, that was how she remembered it, that was how she had to remember it in order to allow herself to leave, to allow herself to cope with finding herself in an EA. I had to be the bad guy and the damage it did was that I happily hopped on that hook and swallowed every word.

 

It took me a long time to get my own head straight and not wrapped around her version of events because i was wasting my energy trying to defend myself. I literally started to believe the BS she was spreading and lost who I was.

 

Your walking that road and theres nothing good for you down there and its very hard to find your way back, I've already been there.

 

She wants to blast you, acknowledge her concerns, tell her you want to repair the damage and ask her what else she can share about how she is feeling while she goes through it. Just listen and pick it apart later on your own. She will give you what you need, but it will be wrapped in justification and anger, its up to you to sift it out.

 

TOJAZ

[Nukem]

thank you tojaz.

 

 

Today I couldn't cancel her call.

I answered just to tell that we are cycling and our daughter cannot speak with her right now. She called her mum later on.

I answered because she is very concerned when the kid is cycling with me.

 

Nothing unusual today.

[Owl]

Nukem...you have got the most...Hollywood version of love in mind that I've seen in my years on this board.

 

Every response you've given to the advice that members of this forum have provided is along the lines of "love should be enough".

 

I'm going to be VERY blunt... That mindset got you to where you are today. If you want to keep that mindset, I can almost garauntee that you're going to lose your wife.

 

In other words...if you want to have a chance of keeping your wife...you're going to have to lose that mindset.

 

I have no other advice to give you at this point. I feel as though nothing we've offered has made an impression on you.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[Nukem]

Nukem...you have got the most...Hollywood version of love in mind that I've seen in my years on this board.

 

Every response you've given to the advice that members of this forum have provided is along the lines of "love should be enough".

 

I'm going to be VERY blunt... That mindset got you to where you are today. If you want to keep that mindset, I can almost garauntee that you're going to lose your wife.

 

In other words...if you want to have a chance of keeping your wife...you're going to have to lose that mindset.

 

I have no other advice to give you at this point. I feel as though nothing we've offered has made an impression on you.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

 

Hey Owl,

 

I am doing my 180. But today I answered her call.

I won't do it again. If I didn't answered I would risk not to give me my daughter for cycling. What I did wrong?

I am rollercosting right now.

 

I am feeling that my worries are starting to fade.

I do not need to see her, hear from her, calling her.

[Owl]

I'm not talking about something as silly as answering a call. I'm talking about your entire approach to rebuilding your marriage, your whole viewpoint on what you think it will take for a marriage to recover from what's gone on, on how you view relationships and love as a concept.

 

There's no basis here that I can give you guidance from.

 

I truly do hope that it all works out the best way it can for you, your wife, and your family.

[Nukem]

Owl,

you are talking about respect.

So I'am about to start The Five Love Languages.

I'll try to find the other two books also.

I need basis and I'll get it.

[tojaz]

Owl,

you are talking about respect.

So I'am about to start The Five Love Languages.

I'll try to find the other two books also.

I need basis and I'll get it.

 

Nuke, I think what owl is referring to is how you look at love in the relationship, that if the love is strong, it will overcome. Unfortunately thats not always the case.

 

There are many needs and wants in a person, Love is incredibly important, but there are many things in this world that have the ability to challenge it and over ride it when conditions are right.

 

It may be respect, it may be pride, it may be flat out selfishness and greed. The reasons people walk away are not always about love, or even the marriage or the other person at all!

 

Its not fair, its not right, but it has been pretty common around here. If she is not receptive to the love that you have for her right now, then it doesn't have the power you need it to. The 180 is good, but you have to be proactive as well, educate yourself, read, post here, read other threads. Get a look at what may be coming next.... get ahead of the curve.

 

Love makes you dumb, you see what you want to see. 3 years later its still impossible to see my ex as the woman who walked out, at this point I don't need to, my fight is over and i prefer to remember her fondly before the world went to squat. Your still in the thick of it though, and you need your mind clear and sharp, and ready for anything, because she will throw it all at you. If nothing else bro, learn from my mistakes.

 

TOJAZ

Edited April 14, 2012 by tojaz

[trippi1432]

Nukem - What nationality are you? Dominican Republic or Colombian??? What is it?

 

The reason I ask is because several posts ago, I said that your wife does still love you, but what this forum might not take into account is the pride that is established in other cultures.

 

Love is not just about respect...it definitely isn't about pride unless you want to be alone.....and real love is not dumb....real love, is wise...it's when you both know what you don't want so you can get down to the business of truly loving each other....pride should never be mistaken for passion, and love should never be one-sided.

 

What she has kept deep down won't let her own pride show it to you....and it's the hardest thing for some men to get through. Pride is fear basically...she has it, you have it...and you both sense it. And honestly...your culture and her culture play a part.

[Nukem]

hey trippi.

 

I am from a country in the European Union.

 

I've been supporting her pride, while the OM ruined it.

 

She admitted that she keeps love about me, but it's not strong enough to forgive my wrongs.

 

I've started reading of The five love languages and I like it.

The harder part is applying what you've read. At least I have the will to change myself.

 

At first she confessed that she had realized how a bad person she was.

And she do nothing to improve herself.

 

The most important thing at the beginning of that book is to continually give love to our girl - "keeping the love tank full".

Edited April 14, 2012 by Nukem

[Nukem]

“Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with

love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop

normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will

misbehave."

 

The extract is from "The five love languages".

[Nukem]

I am tend to think that my wife hasn't been loved enough during her childhood.

[tojaz]

hey trippi.

 

I am from a country in the European Union.

 

I've been supporting her pride, while the OM ruined it.

 

Your take or hers?

 

She admitted that she keeps love about me, but it's not strong enough to forgive my wrongs.

Which are?

 

I've started reading of The five love languages and I like it.

The harder part is applying what you've read. At least I have the will to change myself.

What do you plan to change and how do you plan to do it?

 

At first she confessed that she had realized how a bad person she was.

And she do nothing to improve herself.

What did she feel made her a bad person, and what should she do to improve?

 

TOJAZ

[Nukem]

I've downloaded Surviving an affair and started reading it.

It's more appropriate for my case.

 

And I'am wandering was it necessary to process a divorce.

In the story of the book the husband did his 180 without filing divorce.

He just waited the affair to end naturally.

 

Today, I pick up the girl and met my mother in law.

She is very distant and cold.

Would it be stupid If I ask her what are her concerns? Is she willing telling me how she senses the situation?

 

She is very important person in my life. She has helped a lot.

 

How do you think?

[Nukem]

While reading I am almost sure that she will renew or she has already been renewing her affair.

[Nukem]

Your take or hers?

- explain, please

 

 

Which are?

- Communicating with my female friends,

- giving her reasons for being jealous.

- Not being happy when on holiday trips,

- being depressed,

- going on business trips and team building parties,

- going on friends birthdays without her,

- in the beginning of our marriages I used to drink alcohol and did some stupid deeds. Later on I became a sporty person, stopped smoking and diminished drinking.

- not helping her for house chores

- forgetting

- not coming home early

- not paying attention to her and our chil

- etc

 

 

What do you plan to change and how do you plan to do it?

- I became more responsible father

- I will try to repair all of the above

 

 

What did she feel made her a bad person, and what should she do to improve?

- jealousy

- negative feeling about other individuals

- considering herself as something much more than others

 

I'll actualise the list when possible.

My laptop battery is running down

[Nukem]

I am so naive.

[tojaz]

I am so naive.

 

Your take or hers?

- explain, please

Well you had said...

I've been supporting her pride, while the OM ruined it.

Is this something she has said to you or is that something you have assumed. Not to say you are wrong, or that you intend anything less, but you have to keep in mind what is not necessarily the facts, but her perception of them. There is little chance that your view of your actions and hers will match up, so things that you may be doing to try and be supportive of her, she may be perceiving them as something very different and negatively and vice/versa for how she perceives the actions of OM. Its something you have to keep in the back of your mind, not just what you intend, but how she may perceive things in order to not do anything to reinforce her negative views of you.

 

 

Which are?

- Communicating with my female friends,

- giving her reasons for being jealous.

- Not being happy when on holiday trips,

- being depressed,

- going on business trips and team building parties,

- going on friends birthdays without her,

- in the beginning of our marriages I used to drink alcohol and did some stupid deeds. Later on I became a sporty person, stopped smoking and diminished drinking.

- not helping her for house chores

- forgetting

- not coming home early

- not paying attention to her and our chil

- etc

Ok, once again you have to look at which of these are actually issues YOU feel need to be repaired. There are some that I see as negatives for the relationship(BOLDED) and others that are kind of open to interpretation based on context (underlined) These may or may not be negative, based on the context in which they occur. For example "communicating with female friends" this is a very vague statement which could range anywhere from chatting about the weather to sex talk. Only you can decide if your communication with them is innocent or not, if it is, then your doing nothing wrong and i wouldn't list it as a flaw. The one remaining is something from your past that you have already gone to the effort of correcting for yourself and she really has no right to continue to hold it against you.

 

 

What do you plan to change and how do you plan to do it?

- I became more responsible father

- I will try to repair all of the above

Don't run in circles trying to patch every leak she points out, you have a right to decide the man you will be and what does or does not need changing For you just as she has a right to state what she would like to have changed for her, somewhere in the middle is a healthy compromise.

Continuing my example above, she really doesn't have the right to tell you that you can't have any female friends, but she can share with you what types of communication make her uncomfortable and feel jealous and you can chose to communicate with them in such a way that she can feel more secure.

 

 

 

What did she feel made her a bad person, and what should she do to improve?

- jealousy

- negative feeling about other individuals

- considering herself as something much more than others

These are some very strong things for a person to see in themselves. That alone takes a toll on a person. Many people forget that situations like yours are stressful and taxing for BOTH sides. Many of the emotions your dealing with, she is too. What makes it different is that a leaver goes through those emotions in secret before the decision is made, thats one of the reasons seeking reconciliation is such an uphill battle. Once that decision has been made, it is much easier to try and remain resolute then to go through the process again. Has she taken any steps to try and act on these realizations?

 

TOJAZ

[Nukem]

She told me that the OM has devastated her confidence.

Frankly she is not very smart person. She had low grades at school and university. She cannot speak any other languages. She is at beginner level of English and I praised her that she is doing very well and is talented for languages

 

I helped her in her work and I was telling her that she can be CEO of the company she is working for. Meanwhile she constantly blame her bosses about not being competent enough. She is working there because her parents are VIP in the country. But she doesn't like her job. She is looking for new company.

 

She stopped talking and seeing her best female friend because she realized that she envy her. We used to be family friends. Our daughters are best friends.

 

My wife doesn't like most of my friends. Neither do they.

 

I think she cannot change herself even if she wants to. Her father has similar personal traits.

 

I had accustomed to her, apparently she hadn't to me.

 

I admit that some of my communication were almost flirts. But I am not a cheater. I was trying to prove to myself that I can talk to women.

 

I was/am depressed because I have several healthy problems which I cannot cure for years. That's why I began doing yoga. Currently I visit Chinese acupuncturist.

 

I feel that her negative feelings against me have increased.

[Nukem]

May be if I had read Surviving an affair during our reconciliation I would have been much more patient and tolerable.

I gave her just 8 months to go out from the fog of the OM.

[tojaz]

She told me that the OM has devastated her confidence.

Frankly she is not very smart person. She had low grades at school and university. She cannot speak any other languages. She is at beginner level of English and I praised her that she is doing very well and is talented for languages

 

 

 

Hmmmmm well I'm not very smart either, I only know the one language, aside from enough spanish to order a beer and get my face slapped. :laugh:

 

Your looking at a lot of things and you seem to see a lot of negatives here and a little bit of the picture seems to be coming together.

 

Lets go the other way now and tell me what about her you miss and why you want her back. As much as you'd like to share obviously.

 

TOJAZ