The story of a fool

[Nukem]

You know Owl, I've once been her back up plan.

 

If you loved them you should leave them.

 

The problem is that I made huge mistake with the divorce filing.

Before that the problem was only in her trusting me.

[Owl]

You're still her backup plan.

 

If he rejects her again will I have chances.

 

Again...I think our understanding of how love works is completely different.

 

It's not some mystical force that will overcome all obstacles.

 

If you want to have a relationship with her...you have to be attractive to her. What you're doing isn't attractive to her...so why do you keep doing it?

[Nukem]

Why do you think I am still her back up plan.

 

In Wednesday I told her that I will wait for her.

And she answered that it didn't have to be my idea fix.

 

Next morning I again called her and she asked me why I was gripped to her so strongly. Why I didn't leave her alone, she needed to recover in order to be a good mother. May be one day our ways would meet again. But now we needed to be good and healthy parents.

 

I know that I don't have to pressure her, and I won't do it.

Edited April 27, 2012 by Nukem

[jaymz]

Why do you think I am still her back up plan.

 

In Wednesday I told her that I will wait for her.

 

Answered your own question

 

And she answered that it didn't have to be my idea fix.

She doesn't want you to fix anything??

 

Next morning I again called her and she asked me why I was gripped to her so strongly. Why I didn't leave her alone, she needed to recover in order to be a good mother. May be one day our ways would meet again. But now we needed to be good and healthy parents.

 

I know that I don't have to pressure her, and I won't do it.

 

Have a look back at the beginning of this thread. You have been told umpteen times what to do.

[Nukem]

Answered your own question

 

 

She doesn't want you to fix anything??

 

 

 

Have a look back at the beginning of this thread. You have been told umpteen times what to do.

 

I am her backup plan in my mind. But am I a backup plan in her mind.

I meant fixed idea, not fix. An idea which is the purpose of my life.

 

Yes I was told and my playing was disastrous. I was incapable. I ruined all.

[Owl]

You are not listening to the advice you're being given on this site. Or if you are listening, you're not applying it.

 

It's frustrating to repeat the same advice to you over and over hoping that you'll heed it.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Let us know how your plan to fix your marriage works out.

[Nukem]

You are not listening to the advice you're being given on this site. Or if you are listening, you're not applying it.

 

It's frustrating to repeat the same advice to you over and over hoping that you'll heed it.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Let us know how your plan to fix your marriage works out.

 

Owl some advises were NC and divorce. I did them with very bad playing. It was terrible.

 

During the reconciliation I was following your advises, without even being registered here.

She didn't want to reconcile, she was repeating not to pressure her and to find a girlfriend. That I should find love somewhere else.

I answered her that I would wait her.

I was consistent. I was sending her loving sms-s, was listening to her problems, buying gifts etc. The things were going excellent. I began sport and English activities with our daughter. Helped her with her homework.

 

She began inviting me for dinners.

She told to friend of ours that we are together again.

We went on ski vacation. She had sex with me in the hotel room but without kissing. I didn't have orgasm during the session. Our daughter was watching TV in the same room. That's why we were very fast. Later I didn't asked her for sex.

 

When we went back home I made oral love to her, she invited me for the session. I didn't asked for real sex because I know that after oral she doesn't like standard. She asked me if I had a loathing to her because another man had had her. I answered No because I love her unconditionally. Later on I did't try to have sex with her. But once she kissed me in the mouth unexpectedly.

 

I was putting love units in her love bank. And it worked.

Then I read Stop your divorce without even facing a divorce.

I started agreeing. It works in the beginning. Mistake was that I tried to make her jealous with some of my actions. because of Homer's bull****s.

 

And I overdo. I stopped telling her I love her. I stopped wanting sex and massaging her legs. All things screwed up in few days.

 

Last time she said that she rejected me because I was sleeping on the floor in our kit's room. It was frightened her. Once she invited me in her bedroom but I again overacted and slept in the child's room. Keep in mind that since I'm not living there our girl was sleeping with her mother and the bed is narrow. So I preferred sleeping on the floor because of my injured waist, and not to obstruct their sleeping with my snoring. Again total mistake.

 

I didn't dedicated all my time to them. I stopped putting love units in her account. And she unconsciously began to withdraw units from my account.

 

She requested me not to sleep there because I obstructed her to use the bathroom when she was in a hurry going to her job. Not going there so often in order not to get used to me. Not to have hopes.

I don't remember the correct chronology, but I agreed, without asking.

It was stupid. I pulled. Total mistake

 

Soon she tentatively began getting more friendly. End began giving me signals. May be my love bank was pretty empty at the moment and I didn't answer to her signs, I wasn't sure are they real.

On her birthday I gave her a bouquet of tulips, but she answered that kissing me doesn't make her thrilled. And she wanted me not to have hopes.

I answered again with Homer's ****s and agreed to be just friends. Total absolute mistake.

 

After the birthday she tried to show some kindness or signs.

Eventually she asked me why I was acting like divorced.

And I answered that we are emotionally divorced, but for now there's no need to file. I was crazy to say that.

 

Later in her parents house I tried to kiss her and she rejected, she said "What's happened with just friends attitude". I answered "Who believes on this things"

That evening she admitted phoning the OM. And I admitted that my love is patient and would never fails.

 

And the whole reconciliation ran down.

 

Reading of advises and threads here, reading of Homer's bull****s, advises from friends. All that stuff confused me.

 

It was not me. NC, divorce, making her jealous, agreeing ... it simply wasn't me. And she knew it.

I again lied her. i do not deserve her.

All those fake manipulation do not work.

She is real and she need love.

 

That's why I am fool.

Do you get me now why I am so desperate.

I can forgive her everything, but cannot forgive myself for my stupidity.

 

I prayed God every day for this chance. I had a budget for another vacations to spend with them. I prayed God to win that IT project and I promised to spend the bonus with them. And HE make my dream to come truth. And I still have this money and I have to spend them just with the girl.

I stopped praying, start reading manipulative games which I was not capable to act correctly.

 

And I am alone now, because I am not capable for real love.

I am a liar. I am a fool.

 

Do you get me now.

[Nukem]

And all of this because I cannot learn how to love.

I read Surviving the affair and got the mechanics.

 

I saw Jon patiently waiting for his wife 2 years.

I saw Sue going over and over again to her lover.

I realized how powerful are women's emotions, how patient I had to be.

 

I realized that I forced my wife doing wrong choices.

[Jstub]

And all of this because I cannot learn how to love.

I read Surviving the affair and got the mechanics.

 

I saw Jon patiently waiting for his wife 2 years.

I saw Sue going over and over again to her lover.

I realized how powerful are women's emotions, how patient I had to be.

 

I realized that I forced my wife doing wrong choices.

 

Nukem - stop blaming yourself man. Stop drowning in self pity. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT SHE HAD AN AFFAIR. Your wife is like mine, she thinks she can do what she wants and you have to accept it. THAT IS BULLCRAP. I bet she has her way of getting out of any argument and turning things around. It's called BLAME SHIFTING. Stop doing this to yourself.

[Nukem]

J.

during the years I put out a lot of her love units.

 

I have sins which I am ashamed to share here.

 

And J. love can not come back overnight, as Owl said.

Edited April 27, 2012 by Nukem

[Nukem]

 

You want to live like that ? If so...how long you prepared to live like that???

 

What WILL it take for you to accept and move on?? What she got to do next to you for you to realise?

 

Coop, read Surviving an affair.

Even when the OM kicked out Sue and she began living with her husband, even then she was ready to jump back to her lover if he called her. The passion is powerful.

But putting in love units to each other they survived. she was not remorseful at the beginning of the recon. But later on she is thankful to Jon for waiting her.

[Jstub]

Coop, read Surviving an affair.

Even when the OM kicked out Sue and she began living with her husband, even then she was ready to jump back to her lover if he called her. The passion is powerful.

But putting in love units to each other they survived. she was not remorseful at the beginning of the recon. But later on she is thankful to Jon for waiting her.

 

Last time I checked your wife was not Sue and you were not Jon? There are so many factors in each situation... no 2 separations are the same - they might have some similarities, but they are different.

[Nukem]

Last time I checked your wife was not Sue and you were not Jon? There are so many factors in each situation... no 2 separations are the same - they might have some similarities, but they are different.

 

Yep that's correct.

Jon and Sue are example for the worst EM and PM scenario.

And If I had read the book weeks ago I would have had more chance for surviving.

 

We are each other first and it has its value.

 

They are different but emotional needs in each marriage are similar.

[tojaz]

Nuke, do you realize thats the first time you ran down the whole story rather then just small fragments!

 

Your not the only one thats confused, I could hardly follow it after reading it twice, not only did you tie yourself in knots, you jerked her from one end to the other as well, its no wonder shes frustrated.

 

Like I said before, you were so busy chasing quick fixes you changed direction before anything took hold. The whole thing is you not being yourself, try this, try that. For what?

 

Say it had worked, she gave you a second chance, then what would you have done??? I'm guessing you have no clue, because you havent found a book about it yet.

 

The man she fell in love with originally wasn't reading it out of a book, wasnt trying tactic after tactic to win her over (at least i hope not). Thats what you need to find Nuke. All the advice here is in an attempt to lead you to that.

 

Thats the point Nuke, if i had a magic word that would make her swoon and come running back to you, I wouldn't tell you!!! Why? Because in a matter of months you would be right back in the same old situation that didn't work before.

 

I've said here before that sometimes people catch on, and sometimes people need to be beaten upside their head with a 2X4, you Nuke are one of those people, so listen up.

 

Yes she needs love, but love also has to be accepted and right now she is making a conscious decision NOT to accept it from you. You can shower her with whatever you like, shes not letting it in.

 

You are trying to change her, rather then changing yourself, you've been busy acting from whatever script is in front of you at the moment. What is posted here is not a script, is not a how to, is not a road map. It is advice that you have to learn from and apply to yourself and your own situation.

 

Start living your life like shes not coming back. Start preparing for life after divorce. Start working on you. Stop playing the role and start putting your life back together again. As long as your living, eating, breathing how to win her back, shes going to stay away.

 

Forget about being Graces husband, forget about being in the fight right now. Just be you. Thats a lesson it took a full year to learn... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/233901-pressure

 

TOJAZ

[Nukem]

There's more Toj.

 

the story of our life is full with wrongs

Edited April 28, 2012 by Nukem

[tojaz]

There's more Toj.

 

the story of our life is full with wrongs

 

Why delete your post?

[Nukem]

I was afraid.

I think you will say I am a sick person

[tojaz]

Everyone has moments they are not proud of Nuke. Thats just part of life, those things happen, we make mistakes. All part of being human. The important part is what we learn from our mistakes and how we apply what we have learned.

 

I was able to read part but not all, but won't discuss it unless you decide to repost it.

 

TOJAZ

[Nukem]

gents,

on the D day I may try for last time and asked her not to sign.

[tojaz]

What will you say?

[Nukem]

I'm going to tell her not to sign.

I'm ready to sign a contract abourt giving my part of the mutual property to her.

But I do not want that divorce. I need them. May be we should try counciling with her parents.

[tojaz]

I'm going to tell her not to sign.

I'm ready to sign a contract abourt giving my part of the mutual property to her.

But I do not want that divorce. I need them. May be we should try counciling with her parents.

 

Feel free to ask her not to sign, but i wouldn't sign anything away to her either.

 

Counseling is only as good as what you put into it, if her heart isn't in it, then your wasting your time and money. She has to come to the table first.

 

TOJAZ

[Nukem]

I declared that I would give her my part.

[tojaz]

I declared that I would give her my part.

 

... and she said til death do us part, yet your both still breathing.

 

You do what you need to do Nuke, but don't do it because you think shes going to appreciate the gesture, do it because you want to for you. You don't owe her anything.

 

TOJAZ

[Nukem]

... and she said til death do us part, yet your both still breathing. TOJAZ

 

I'll use this and I'll tell her she have to be first putting her signature on the papers.