The story of a fool

[Nukem]

Next moth we have 10 year anniversary.

Should I call her or what. Keeping NC?

[tojaz]

Next moth we have 10 year anniversary.

Should I call her or what. Keeping NC?

 

Buy a card sign and date it and keep it handy just in case she does something, but if she doesn't, just hang on to it. My ex did take the time to leave a little something for me on my Bday even though it was a couple months after she dropped the bomb, so best to be prepared, but i wouldn't be thinking any grand gestures, a card will be plenty.

 

TOJAZ

Edited April 25, 2012 by tojaz

[Nukem]

Toj,

Have you heard of NC which resulted as expected, as a reconciliation.

I think she is collecting power and will be more confident at the D day.

My girl sms-ed me that they are setting off on a journey during the holiday.

They'll travel abroad, my daughter, my wife and my wife's parents. 4-5 day trip.

 

In Surviving an affair they say that more than 2 years may be needed for reconciliation. Didn't I force the events prematurely?

[Nukem]

...............................

Edited April 25, 2012 by Nukem

[tojaz]

Toj,

Have you heard of NC which resulted as expected, as a reconciliation.

I think she is collecting power and will be more confident at the D day.

My girl sms-ed me that they are setting off on a journey during the holiday.

They'll travel abroad, my daughter, my wife and my wife's parents. 4-5 day trip.

 

In Surviving an affair they say that more than 2 years may be needed for reconciliation. Didn't I force the events prematurely?

 

Yes I have, thats not all that was at play though.

In regards for helping you save the relationship NC allows you to really think rather then just going off of instinct, flooding her with pleas, apologies etc. that she is not going to hear. It allows you to focus on the situation, and make good decisions.

 

What do you think you should be doing Nuke?

 

TOJAZ

[Nukem]

may be keeping good relations because of our girl.

[tojaz]

may be keeping good relations because of our girl.

 

Thats a given. I meant what you were considering instead of NC

[Nukem]

Full contact and dedication to her.

 

Full supplying of her emotional needs as it is described in Surviving an Affair:

1. They are important for me and I will care for them and protect them

2. I am concerned about the problems she face and will be there for her when she need me

3. hugs

(I love you notes, bouquet, holding hands, walks after dinner, massages, phone calls, communication)

4. Sexual fulfilment

5. Conversation

6. cycling , skiing, running, shopping centers

7. Honesty and openness – feelings, habits, thoughts, likes, dislikes, plans for the future, current activities

8. Financial support

9. Domestic support

10. Physical attractiveness

11. Family commitment – child care

12. Admiration – compliments, that she is appreciated

 

Those were our problems in the marriage. And I should prove that I can satisfy her emotional needs instead of NC.

[tojaz]

Full contact and dedication to her.

 

Full supplying of her emotional needs as it is described in Surviving an Affair:

1. They are important for me and I will care for them and protect them

2. I am concerned about the problems she face and will be there for her when she need me

3. hugs

(I love you notes, bouquet, holding hands, walks after dinner, massages, phone calls, communication)

4. Sexual fulfilment

5. Conversation

6. cycling , skiing, running, shopping centers

7. Honesty and openness – feelings, habits, thoughts, likes, dislikes, plans for the future, current activities

8. Financial support

9. Domestic support

10. Physical attractiveness

11. Family commitment – child care

12. Admiration – compliments, that she is appreciated

 

Those were our problems in the marriage. And I should prove that I can satisfy her emotional needs instead of NC.

 

 

Remember talking about perception? Considering where the two of you are at right now, How do you think shes going to perceive your actions if you start following the above?

 

Weve talked a lot, I'm giving you a shot to give yourself advice.......

 

TOJAZ

[Nukem]

yep, end of story.

 

It is my last visit here.

 

Thank you.

[Owl]

Be sure to post and let us know how this all worked out for you. I'd be glad to hear that everything worked out great, I just can't see how you get there from here, following your plan.

 

But I'd love to see you come back and explain to me how it did.

[Nukem]

Be sure to post and let us know how this all worked out for you. I'd be glad to hear that everything worked out great, I just can't see how you get there from here, following your plan.

 

But I'd love to see you come back and explain to me how it did.

 

I called her yesterday.

I apologized for my rude words that she had broken two marriages.

I spoke a lot. 47 minutes. I explained that I regretted for my decision.

She told me that I did not deserve to answer my call. But she was open for talking.

 

At the evening I went in her home. They were reading sayings from the book.

We had a long talk.

 

NC and Divorce was absolute mistake, I acted it very bad, I didn't use proper tone, proper words. I totally screwed up. She was very indifferent.

But she put on the table some letters written by me dated since 2001.

They consist of promises and excuses. So she said that I will never change, I will never keep my promises. I asked her not to file, but she said it is too late.

During conversation I was hugging and kissing her.

She allowed me to touch her. But reminded me that it is not a sign for love.

 

Today in the morning I called her again to reconsider.

She got annoyed. Told me that I should start building my own happiness.

As well as she does hers. She blamed me that I prevent her being good mother of our child. We are parents and our daughter is our main responsibility.

 

An hour ago called me to tell that papers will be ready on 7th May.

[Nukem]

I am shocked, my heart will explode.

I cannot bear that I provoked this disaster.

[Nukem]

My last chance is to use her parents as MC. And organize one last meeting.

But they probably will deny.

 

She explained me that during the recon she sensed that I was not real that I would change to worse.

 

I cannot sleep, cannot eat, cannot believe how stupid was I.

Man who loves doesn't act like this, does not manipulate.

 

I am not stronger now, I am weaker.

Edited April 26, 2012 by Nukem

[Nukem]

Owl, you had to tell me about satisfying emotional needs earlier.

 

Surviving an affair is an excellent scenario for my case.

 

I still can not believe that I lost her forever.

[Nukem]

We talked again but shortly.

 

I asked her if she had believed me.

She said that part of her trusts me.

I told her that I love her. She said OK

 

That's all so far

 

Do you think that MC with her parents is good idea.

[Owl]

Owl, you had to tell me about satisfying emotional needs earlier.

 

Surviving an affair is an excellent scenario for my case.

 

I still can not believe that I lost her forever.

 

Surviving an Affair works great...applied correctly.

 

You don't TELL her that you're meeting her needs...you just do it. But it's not something that fixes things overnight.

 

If you recall, I've told you repeatedly that you needed to stand up for yourself, demonstrate a willingness to fight for your marriage and your children, and stop allowing her to control the situation. You've done none of that.

 

She still calls all the shots, and you live or die in your heart with every word she says or action she takes.

 

Here's your problem.

 

You care. You feel like your world is going to end if she leaves you.

 

She doesn't care, she knows that she will survive and thrive without you.

 

That gives her all of the power making control in this situation.

 

At this point, I don't beleive that there is much you can do to change the situation.

[worldgonewrong]

Do you think that MC with her parents is good idea.

 

That's technically an 'intervention', not MC.

 

MC = a non-biased party overseeing the discussion between 2 married people.

[Nukem]

That's technically an 'intervention', not MC.

 

MC = a non-biased party overseeing the discussion between 2 married people.

 

I know,

but hope they will help three of us.

[tojaz]

Hmmmm attempting to turn her parents against her....... yeah that will surely have an effect. I doubt it will be the one your looking for though Nuke.

 

There is no strategy that your going to put out that is going to change her mind. There is no magic bullet, no pixie dust. Every time you go looking for a shortcut, it reduces any chance you have.

 

Listen to what people are telling you!

 

TOJAZ

[Nukem]

Yep, I wrote a letter similar to that in Surviving an affair.

I am going to send it next week.

 

How do you think?

[tojaz]

Couldn't say, havent read it.

Depends a lot on what you hope to accomplish with it and what your mindset was when you wrote it. I will say that she doesn't sound very receptive to anything right now.

 

I would be cautious, it may turn into more ammo for her to throw back at you.

 

TOJAZ

[Nukem]

Surviving an Affair works great...applied correctly.

 

You don't TELL her that you're meeting her needs...you just do it. But it's not something that fixes things overnight.

 

If you recall, I've told you repeatedly that you needed to stand up for yourself, demonstrate a willingness to fight for your marriage and your children, and stop allowing her to control the situation. You've done none of that.

 

She still calls all the shots, and you live or die in your heart with every word she says or action she takes.

 

Here's your problem.

 

You care. You feel like your world is going to end if she leaves you.

 

She doesn't care, she knows that she will survive and thrive without you.

 

That gives her all of the power making control in this situation.

 

At this point, I don't beleive that there is much you can do to change the situation.

 

Owl,

last time in Wednesday evening she told me that she didn't know if she would be with the OM.

She admitted talking with him.

I think they are going to reconcile.

If he rejects her again will I have chances.

 

For our anniversary next month I prepared the letter.

 

"Dear Grace,

 

With this letter I would like to apologise about creating an environment

for the disastrous events. I stupidly pursue my business and sport goals without understanding the responsibility about satisfying your emotional needs.

I wasn't closed to you when you needed my support for not contacting the other man. I wasn't next to you during the years passed and you was feeling lonely.

I tried to achieve goals which made sense only to me.

 

Now we both are suffering because of my mistakes.

 

As you know I was sure that I can avoid my past mistakes and to create a new life for three of us.

I tried and failed. I can see some of my mistakes, may be there are another which I don't realize. But I cannot fight for you while you are still in conection with him.

You couldn't have forgotten about my suffering. You couldn't have forgotten your suffering after you split up.

I still love you. It was a hard time for me not calling and seeing you.

I regret about my actions, because I don't have the right to blame you about your feelings. I myself cannot control my emotions properly and made many mistakes.

I think that the step we made was hasty, but it is not fatal.

If you ever decide that you can allow me to prove that I deserve your trust I am available for discussing our mutual future.

I do not hide that I want someday to rebuild our relationship.

I would like to develop the ability of satisfying each other emotional needs, avoiding everything which can harm us again.

I am confident that we can create a lifestyle in which all our actions would make us happy. Only then we will not have reasons for separation.

You and our daughter are very important for me. I want to be your best friend and you to be mine. I want to share everything with you.

I loved you when we got married and continue to love you now with more mature and wiser love.

 

With Love

XXXX"

Edited April 27, 2012 by Nukem

[Owl]

Do you want to be her backup plan? Her 'only option' if OM rejects her?

[Owl]

You have to understand something...something I've tried repeatedly to explain.

 

You keep pursuing her...and that keeps driving her away.

 

You keep telling her that you love her is NOT going to "win her back". It's not what she wants/needs to hear right now.

 

You need to let her miss you. Let her feel your absence, not keep getting frustrated with your constant presence when she's repeatedly made it clear that you're not welcome.

 

THE WORST THING TO SAY TO YOUR SPOUSE WHO IS CHEATING ON YOU IS "I LOVE YOU", "I WANT YOU", "I MISS YOU".

 

It makes you appear weak, needy, pathetic in their eyes.

 

Women aren't attacted to weak, needy, pathetic men. They're attracted to strong, decisive, bold men who take action to protect themselves and the ones that they care for.