The story of a fool

[Nukem]

hey stillafool,

I'm on my way.

Her father will help me, when the girl is with them.

She also has a cellular.

[Nukem]

There's another curious detail I'd like to share:

 

She told me that making love with the OM wasn't as passionate as ours.

[elfman]

Hey Nukem,

 

Damn, every time I read your post something has happened... so fast.

 

I am sorry to tell you bud, but you are being played.

 

Nothing to be ashamed of actually... I am being played too as matters stand, my wife is a crazy self-centered Bi@tch... But back to your own game, what happened to dropping the papers off and waiting? Seems a lot is being said, and not exactly by the two people needing to do the talking (you and your wife).

 

E.

[Nukem]

I am sorry to tell you bud, but you are being played

 

I don't get you well.

 

The papers are not ready. What do you mean?

[Nukem]

the details are from the past, from the time when she was sharing her thoughts and concerns.

[stillafool]

hey stillafool,

I'm on my way.

Her father will help me, when the girl is with them.

She also has a cellular.

 

Good that your father in law is going to help you. Who knows, once you decide to go full NC she may start to realize her faults in the demise of this marriage. Please don't beat yourself up over your previous 'indifference' to her in your marriage. She is the one who had the affair, not you. She needs and should be doing everything possible to make it up to you.

[stillafool]

There's another curious detail I'd like to share:

 

She told me that making love with the OM wasn't as passionate as ours.

 

She was probably telling the truth regarding this or she would be with the OM. Going NC will bring the thought of the passion you shared to the front of her mind. Passion is not easily obtained. More importantly do NC for your sanity because it seems she has you on a roller coaster.

[elfman]

I don't get you well.

 

The papers are not ready. What do you mean?

 

What I mean is your wife is showing clear signs of contradiction every time she says something, when someone says "you are being played" it means you are being part of someone's game without realizing it.

 

Stay the course, wait for the papers, and maintain no contact until then, you have to show your conviction in my opinion. The morning talks and the like just make it seem to her like you have not gone anywhere.

 

Good luck, stay strong.

 

E.

[Nukem]

There's something else in her defence.

 

5 year ago she went with her mother on a holiday trip in a foreign country.

 

When back she told me had fallen in love.

She was in a dilema. Whether to disappoint her parents and our daughter and star new beginning with the OM or stay with me.

 

I didn't accept her confession seriously.

Much later (months or years) I asked her what happened with the OM.

She answered that he was very jealous and had stopped communicating with him.

 

She was right he was very jealous about me.

[tojaz]

There's something else in her defence.

 

5 year ago she went with her mother on a holiday trip in a foreign country.

 

When back she told me had fallen in love.

She was in a dilema. Whether to disappoint her parents and our daughter and star new beginning with the OM or stay with me.

 

I didn't accept her confession seriously.

Much later (months or years) I asked her what happened with the OM.

She answered that he was very jealous and had stopped communicating with him.

 

She was right he was very jealous about me.

 

Sounds to me like she enjoys jealousy and being chased. She probably played you off of OM just like she played OM off of you.

 

Thats her own insecurities, same as a woman (or man for that matter) proclaiming how many suitors they have waiting in the wings.

 

Very difficult and unhealthy situation to work with.

 

TOJAZ

[Nukem]

I see no grounds for reconciliation with someone who is so self-centered and deluded.

 

You might be interested to know that yesterday when I was at her father's place he said: "She won't go to MC, she is so self-centered".

 

Just FYI

[elfman]

Hey Nukem,

 

Buddy, you need to stop going to her parent's, calling, texting... thinking... you need to do NC but for real... Do you really think her parents will be on your side forever? They might agree with you now, but that will stop, I mean, she's their daughter.

 

Keep contact limited to being with your own daughter... otherwise you are just delaying the final whistle. I know its hard, but you have to try.

 

E.

[Nukem]

Hey,

I was there only in Tuesday to take the docs.

The problem is that just her father is on my side, because of our child.

Her mother supports her daughter.

 

I want you to know that during our reconciliation I was the person who pursuit her. When I showed my love the things started to change in my favour. I sms-ed love massages to her, I was doing all she wants. Before that she was persistently rejecting me.

 

Next I wanted the things to happen faster and started playing.

I stopped chasing her, telling how much I love her and some of those "Divorce busting" and "Stop your divorce" things. In the beginning it worked. But she felt my changeability. I was overacting...

 

In that sense she is right and I'm wondering if I'm doing right when no contacting her.

I'm again telling that I can live without them. But she needs the opposite attitude from me. My wife is different than most women. She sees the actions and begins self-convince her in her rightness. And her mother helps her.

 

By No contacting her I confirm that I'm not steadfast.

It is one of her most powerful arguments against me - that she can not rely on me.

Edited April 12, 2012 by Nukem

[elfman]

Hey nukem,

 

It seems everyone who is advising you here agrees that 180 and NC are the ways to get your wife to wake up and see that she will lose you. But these strategies take time to work, you cannot expect them to work overnight. I would keep at it, but the choice is ultimately yours...

 

On another post I advised to call her up to talk about your relationship for 2 hours and get everything in the open, and stop the games... That, of course, is the opposite of NC and 180...

 

I do not know your wife and only have half the story, like most of the other posters here, our ideas are simply to present options for possible actions you might have overlooked or for situations where you do not know what to do.

 

I would keep at it, doing NC, and 180, after all, I would not want to go back to a marriage that was in a state where my wife ended up in the arms of OM.

 

Take care, good luck and god bless.

 

E.

[Nukem]

The key to healing a troubled marriage is unconditional love, forgiveness, and complete submission to God's will. All else is just the trimmings.

[elfman]

I wish that were true man... but ask in these forums and most people will tell you once a marriage gets to distrust, affairs, etc., it is time to act intelligently. God helps those who help themselves. You cannot be asking to win the lottery if you never buy the damn ticket now can you?

 

Like I said: 2 options:

 

1) NC, 180, patience.

2) Full contact, full disclosure of feelings of love on your part, full willingness to forgive and forget.

 

The choice is yours.

 

E.

[tojaz]

The key to healing a troubled marriage is unconditional love, forgiveness, and complete submission to God's will. All else is just the trimmings.

 

Have to go with Elfman on this Nukem. There is nothing there that repairs the damage done. In the right circumstances, that unconditional love and forgiveness might bring her home, but the core issues are still there.

 

Flip through the boards and see how many folks going through this had started on the road to D before or even several times before it became real.

 

Se how many folks forgave out of love only to have to keep doing it over and over again.

 

Something isn't working, and its in both of you. There are lessons to be learned by both of you, but that takes looking for them.

 

Even if you don't save your M, whatever you don't resolve in this relationship will be there and carried into the next one.

 

TOJAZ

[Nukem]

Hey guys,

 

You're right, I guess.

I'll endure.

[worldgonewrong]

The key to healing a troubled marriage is unconditional love, forgiveness, and complete submission to God's will. All else is just the trimmings.

 

Um, but if it's one-sided, the troubled marriage still won't be healed.

 

(And I am a big fan o' God, btw, but I'm also realistic.)

[Nukem]

Um, but if it's one-sided, the troubled marriage still won't be healed.

 

(And I am a big fan o' God, btw, but I'm also realistic.)

 

Don't you think that Love gives birth to Love?

[worldgonewrong]

Don't you think that Love gives birth to Love?

 

Not if someone rejects it. That's why 'unrequited love' is a true concept. Alas.

[Owl]

Nukem...here's the crux of your confusion.

 

Women and men feel love for different reasons. Men love women based on one set of attributes...women love men for wholly different ones.

 

One key attribute that nearly all women require in order to fall in love with a man is that they have to be able to respect that man. Not fear, not worship...but respect.

 

Listen to this, because I think it's key to your success here.

 

Women cannot respect a man that they can walk all over, that they can treat as a doormat, that they can hurt and use without repercussion or response. A woman cannot respect a man who is unwilling to take measures to protect himself or his marriage. A woman cannot respect a man that she can rule over.

 

And a woman cannot remain "in love" with or "fall in love" with a man that she cannot respect. She may view him as a friend, as an acquaintence, or as someone in her life...but she'll lose any romantic love feelings she has if she cannot respect him.

 

You may be right..love may conquer all. But...your actions will not result in regaining your wife's romantic love for you...which means your actions are likely not to get the results you think they will.

 

You need to be a little more realistic here, son.

 

Pick up a copy of "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman. Try "His Needs/Her Needs" by Harley while you're at it, and go ahead and pick up "Suriving an Affair" while you're at it.

 

You need to develop an understanding of how love actually works. Once you got that down...then come back and review the advice you've been given here, and it'll make a lot more sense.

 

I'd like to add...I successfully reconciled my marriage after my wife's emotional affair with another man. I have some good idea of what steps worked in my situation...as do many of the other posters here who have similar backgrounds to mine.

 

Re-reading some recent posts here...do you truly believe that you can be a man that this woman can respect? She's financially powerful, and incredibly self-centered. How does simply 'loving her' win a woman like that back? You'll have to explain the mechanics of this to me...I don't know how just "loving her" would cause a woman like this to change her mind, her heart, or her actions?

Edited April 12, 2012 by Owl

[Nukem]

Thank you Owl.

 

I know you are amongst the few who managed to heal their marriages and I respect your opinion.

 

The interesting part here is that they split up because both of them tried to rule. They were very similar characters and she realized it.

She told me that now when knowing him she realized what a bad person actually she was. Though she does nothing to change herself.

 

Anyway. She needs love. It's her fix idea.

She said that non of us had ever loved her.

She blames me that I chase her purposely, but it is not love.

She repeats that I am not REAL person, meaning that I am fake in my feelings.

Acting indifferent will prove her assertion.

 

I think she doesn't fit in the books. She is sort of psycho. A book should be written about her.

Still those facts do not contradict you theory.

 

We'll see, I'm doing 180.

[Owl]

Explain to me again the benefits of a relationship with this woman?

[tojaz]

Thank you Owl.

 

I know you are amongst the few who managed to heal their marriages and I respect your opinion.

 

The interesting part here is that they split up because both of them tried to rule. They were very similar characters and she realized it.

She told me that now when knowing him she realized what a bad person actually she was. Though she does nothing to change herself.

 

Anyway. She needs love. It's her fix idea.

She said that non of us had ever loved her.

She blames me that I chase her purposely, but it is not love.

She repeats that I am not REAL person, meaning that I am fake in my feelings.

Acting indifferent will prove her assertion.

 

I think she doesn't fit in the books. She is sort of psycho. A book should be written about her.

Still those facts do not contradict you theory.

 

We'll see, I'm doing 180.

 

Nuke, look at what your writing man. She says, She blames, She repeats.

 

Nice your paying attention, but keep in mind that what she says are based on her own perception, which is currently busy justifying her own actions. If your moving on what shes saying, your doomed!

 

I hear you pleading your defense, but your jury is also your prosecutor. Listen, but don't take what shes telling you to heart, your going to have to read between the lines a little, dig deeper then the surface.

 

 

She is sort of psycho. A book should be written about her.

There is, its called "Crazy Time" give it a look.

 

TOJAZ