2 months NC and counting...

[Thatguyintx]

I guess I needed to vent today. For the record, I have been the dumper more times than not. Not for healthy reasons and I have really hurt some wonderful women that may have been good relationship people. At that time, I wanted to protect myself from the potential hurt and so I would dump before they could get a chance to dump me. It's taken me years to figure this wonderful trait about myself.

 

The last two relationships I have played a bit differently and been more open and trusting. The first was a two and a half year relationship with a few on/off moments. I would break up and still find myself pining after a couple of months. I would reach out again and we would start anew. During this time, I just felt one piece being slightly off. It seemed she wanted to be married period more than she wanted to marry me. In hindsight, that was probably true as she was engaged within a couple of months of our last breakup and married within 8 months or so. I may have dodged a bullet, but looking back it sure seems like we were more compatible than I gave us credit for. This thought process may be occurring now since she is married and pregnant, and it may be pure romanticizing.

 

The last relationship, if you believe in karma, I got what was coming to me. For the first 5 months, it was fantastic. We had great dates and grew together quickly (probably too quickly). The last two months of the relationship were lonely. She left me wanting and hurting, as I probably had done to the woman in the prior relationship. I have never felt so alone than I felt during those two months. She had no time for me, but kept telling me she wanted a long term future and marriage with me. She kept telling me the current issues with her kids were the only thing holding her back, but she wasn't willing to share what was exactly going on with her kids. In the end, I held firm to more contact and she asked for a break. I held there are no breaks, only break-ups. It has been 8 weeks, I have not seen or heard from her and don't expect to. We have common friends who tell me she "just had a lot on her plate". There should never be so much on your plate you can't make some time for your partner! In the end, I saw we were very incompatible and she was emotionally unavailable. The issues we had were the same issues she had with her ex-husband.

 

So, why do I post this in coping? I am not looking for "how do I get her back" advice. I know this break-up is for the best for both of us. We both have healing to do. I am looking for help with that healing. Outside of NC and being the best person I can be, what else should I be doing during this healing time to increase my chances for success in the next relationship that may come?

 

It's strange, I haven't felt melancholy for a couple of weeks, but yesterday was just a down day. The period of sadness wasn't intense and wasn't very long, but it did catch me by surprise.

 

Thoughts?

[BewitchedandBothered]

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) I am glad for yourself that you have learned a lot; with the lady before this, it might not have worked out because she wanted to marry in general; it could have been with you, but...her clock was ticking and look at her, snagged up a man and has a bun in the oven;) You may have dogged a little bullet there;) This current one is leaving you out of things; I wonder if she has feelings for the father of her kids? Had you stayed together, would you be comfortable with an instant family? What if you wanted kids of your own and she didn't want to start over?

 

Another bullet dodged. Things happen for a reason as we are all slowly learning on here. And we never get to see the bigger picture...it unfolds eventually and you slap your forehead in an a-ha moment, saying thank GOD, I didn't pursue that situation!!!! But...you are healing, and need to give yourself time.

 

Don't be that guy that snags someone because he doesn't want to be alone. Went through that with my ex. He didn't want me per se, he wanted someone, anyone. So my friends and I joke that there should be a new dating site called I'll settle for anything I can get pronto.com, LOL;)

 

What I have found helpful is going to the gym. Every day. Okay, I took yesterday off to chillax. But. working out for your body, mind and spirit, I cannot stress emphatically enough. Get moving especially if you are in a funk. Make time. I also do gardening. Even if it's an herb garden on the window ledge in little pots:) It's very healing. Take a little trip. You need a change of scenery. And if you can...move furniture around, change the look of the place you are in, so it's fresh and different.

 

Trust me when I say, you will go crazy wondering what might have been, coulda shoulda woulda, but....we are in the place we are in for a reason, and I will be that reason proves to be a good one. Ever hear the Garth Brooks tune called "Unanswered Prayer"? It's a good one and very pertinent.

 

Every day is one day closer to inner peace. Some days are Diamonds, Some days are Stone==as the late great John Denver sang:) You will have more good days than bad, I can promise you that. (((((((HUGS)))))) to you:)

[Thatguyintx]

Thank you, BAB!

 

Thank goodness growth is finally happening. At my age (early 40's), I should know better already. But I am certainly thankful for the learning now.

 

I am pretty sure I dodged a bullet on both accounts, but being hurt definitely makes you reflect and reminisce.

 

You nailed my issue. I am not good at being alone. Between these two relationships, I made it about 10 months of no dating. I was pretty happy and okay being single at that point. And then WHAM! Smack into a fast-paced unhealthy relationship. Need to get back to loving myself again.

 

Thank you for your reply!

[BewitchedandBothered]

Thank you, BAB!

 

Thank goodness growth is finally happening. At my age (early 40's), I should know better already. But I am certainly thankful for the learning now.

 

I am pretty sure I dodged a bullet on both accounts, but being hurt definitely makes you reflect and reminisce.

 

You nailed my issue. I am not good at being alone. Between these two relationships, I made it about 10 months of no dating. I was pretty happy and okay being single at that point. And then WHAM! Smack into a fast-paced unhealthy relationship. Need to get back to loving myself again.

 

Thank you for your reply!

when you get to the point where you love yourself, being alone isn't so bad:) If you can't be alone, you can't achieve being in a good relationship. People tend to depend on the other for easing the loneliness, but I wouldn't want to give anyone that kind of power over me. Be for YOU before you are with anyone else. That is a wonderful journey in itself. And you will find what you are looking for when you are not looking;)