SomedayDig Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 4 weeks ago today, I discovered that my wife had been having an affair. I found out that it lasted 5 years. I'm certain that many of you can understand the despair and pain that I have felt these past few weeks, I just wanted to come in here and post in maybe some effort of reaching out. She has friends that she can talk to and has sought support, which is good. I, however, don't have anyone that I feel close enough to really open up to and describe what I've been living with. We are seeking counseling and that has helped me out a lot by at least voicing to someone other than my wife how I feel. Heck, I don't know what I expect from this, but I just needed to put it out there. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm angry. The only thing I was able to come up with today was I need to let my love overcome the hurt. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
happyme Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Hey, sorry to hear about your situation... you must be feeling all sorts of different emotions... Was the 'news' totally unexpected/out of the blue, or were things not that great before you found out? My gooness I feel for you, it must be very, very difficult. Hopefully you will find support here. I wish you all strength in the meantime. Take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomedayDig Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 (edited) Totally unexpected and out of the blue. I won't say that things in our marriage were perfect, but I can honestly tell you that there was never any indication that it was THAT bad. She has taken responsibility in saying it was totally her fault and that she made a horrible decision to go into this, but at this time it just doesn't minimize the hurt. Again...I don't quite know what to expect from a forum, I'm just looking for a place to vent/chat about my feelings. **I found out after she had gone up to sleep. I was ready for bed too and had turned off my laptop, but had forgotten that I needed to check my emails. Her laptop was open so I flipped it on and it went to her emails as the "homepage". Just as I went to log her out and check mine a line caught my eye from the "topics". It was a hotel receipt. That is how I found out. Edited April 3, 2012 by SomedayDig Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 You might contact the moderator team and request that this be moved to the infidelity forum on this site. What's your "goal" at this point? Reconcile the marriage, divorce? What's your wife's intentions at this point in time? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomedayDig Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 We both agreed to reconcile and she has broken all contact with the OM. And I apologize...I didn't see the infidelity forum section. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I am so sorry for your pain what a shock it must be.I am glad you are in counceling and I hope the best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 We both agreed to reconcile and she has broken all contact with the OM. And I apologize...I didn't see the infidelity forum section. What else are the two of you doing to rebuild your marriage from the affair? Clearly NC with OM is a must. What is she doing to rebuild trust? What are the two of you doing to identify and fix whatever issues may have been existing prior to/during the affair that may have caused the marriage to deteriorate? Marriage counseling? Individual counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomedayDig Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 What else are the two of you doing to rebuild your marriage from the affair? Clearly NC with OM is a must. What is she doing to rebuild trust? What are the two of you doing to identify and fix whatever issues may have been existing prior to/during the affair that may have caused the marriage to deteriorate? Marriage counseling? Individual counseling? We are actually working on alot of things together. I may be hurt, however I'm not blind to the fact that we were having some communication issues before the affair began - which only exacerbated the shut down in communication. We have begun talking, openly and honestly about what has happened. She has admitted that for the last 5 years all that she has blamed me for in the marriage has been a smoke screen to deflect her own guilt. I'm not saying I was perfect, but there were times when I would be blamed for our lack of communication solely. We have begun marriage counseling and have our fourth visit this week. While it has been hard to hear some of the things, I think it de-mystifies it for me so I don't have to wonder. In the days following my discovery, we finally began to talk about what caused the marriage to deteriorate to that point. She had a miscarriage and began to shut down after that. I didn't know exactly how to react and when I tried to talk she closed herself to me. Then I retreated. And the cycle began. That was 2 years before the affair began. I always walked on eggshells around her and then sometimes tried to do the "tough love" thing by confronting her with our problems. But time seemed to bury it and in her own words, she "shut down more and more" when the affair began. She lied so well during those years up until four weeks ago. To rebuild my trust, she has deleted his contact information from her phone and email accounts. The biggest issue is the OM is a "friend of a friend". I've talked to MY friend and simply asked that we not all be invited to the same event and that I would not dream of asking anyone to take sides in the matter. The kicker is the night that I found out, I called him and confronted him on the phone. After I told him to never call, text or email my wife he begged me to not tell his wife as he had a family. I told him he had a choice - he could tell her after we hung up or she was going to get the email I had just sent to her while we were talking. I found out from his wife that she had to confront him. That is the final contact and only contact I will ever have with her. Since I don't have private messaging on this, I would like to ask whoever is a moderator to move this thread to the appropriate Infidelity section as suggested by Owl. I apologize for not noticing the sub-forum in Romance. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
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