Get married or burn ties?

[dribliz]

Ok...........here is a story. I am to a point where I need to make a decision and I'm at a loss. I have been dating a guy on and off for four years. I first met him when I was actually engaged to another man. I was in a awful relationship and didn' t know how to get out of it. I chose out and met him. It was honestly the fairy tale dream relationship I had always wanted. We were inseperable. I stopped by the gas station where he worked just to say hi. He was just closing, the two of us spent hours talking. We had so much in common, so many same views and thoughts. I trusted him completely right off. It was love at first sight. I was in love and I knew it and there was no doubt in my mind that this is where I wanted to spend the rest of my life. Three months into the relationship and any given time if he would have popped the question or put a ring on my finger I would have done it in a heart beat. I was head over heals in love.

 

My head over heels feelings continued for the first year and half of our relationship. I had to stop and think sometimes, what is wrong with me. I've been with him for a year and half and it feels like our first date all over again. I was in love completely and there was no doubt in my mind. Well time continued on and things began to change. My feelings didn't change but he changed towards me. He quit being so interested, he didn't seem as happy to see me, he was spending more time with his friends and eventually he started to distance. Then one day it was dropped like a bomb on me. He wanted to date other people. I didn't understand what I had done wrong or what went wrong. I was so happy, I did everything for him, I thought we were so happy. I knew in my heart then it would ruin what we had... but I stayed. At first I just gave him his space and continued to love him and care for him and do all I could to make us happy and to make our relationship work and to show him that he wasn't going to find better than me. It got harder and harder to play the game. Inside I was dying. It killed me every second that he didn't want to be with me every date he went on, everytime he went with his friends. Eventually I gave in and started dating. I didn't enjoy dates. I hated it. All I did was think of him, most of the time I talked about him. He was always on my mind. So I went back to just focusing on us again and I quit going out unless it was just with my friends.

 

Eventually, I gave up. My heart was broken, I felt as if I had lost him. It hurt. I hurt. I have never felt so much pain in my heart in my life. My heart was broken for the first time. I felt as though I wasn't ever going to love again or find someone to fit me as perfectly as he was for me. We completely quit dating and weren't even communicating very much. The ties had basically severed. The emotions had been numbed. I met a great guy and started dating him. We dated for about 3 or 4 months and I felt as though I could see a future and felt I was over him and moved on. I started seeing things in that relationship I didn't like and I couldn't see in my future. I knew it wasn't right. I put distance in that relationshipand started dating others and doing more of my own thing. . About that time my guy came back. He said he was sorry and told me he loved me for the very first time. He talked marriage and future even kids. Something that had never been talked about. I was weary. But I gave up everything that I was doing at that point I gave him my heart. Only to be crushed again. About two months later things went back to the same. He was distanced again, didn't show me he cared or any affection unless we were alone. I told him if it didn't change I was leaving. Then things got better again so I stayed. Again to get hurt. Time went on I did my own thing and started dating again.

 

At this point I am completely ok being on my own and where I am. I took some self motivational life courses that assited me in just loving me and being ok and letting go of the past. We stayed friends throughout this time. I brought him to a guest presentation of these classes and told him I loved him and I thought that these classes would assist him with what was holding him back. He was in a very long term relationship in high school and basically the only reason they didnt' get married was on a religion difference due to pressure from her family. He was broken hearted. I told him several times that I thought he was holding walls up and protecting himself due to that. Long story short he took the classes and realized all his walls and hasmoved on. In the last six months he has done nothing but treat me like gold. He is a great guy. We get along, things in common, mutual friends, constructively argue even when we do which is rare. I don't have a complaint about him. He wants to get married. He hasn't dated now in the last six months at all. However I have continued to do so........We got in a big arguement a week ago Sunday and we haven't talked. It started over something superficial but the underlying issue is he is ready for a commitment and I am still in play mode. It has been 8 days since we have talked that is the longest period of time we have been without talking in four years. He left a letter at my house two days ago that was the sweetest thing ever. It made me cry. I don't want to lose him but I am not ready to be in a relationship for some reason. I haven't really been dating just pretty much doing my thing on my own. Even the few dates I 've been on I see no future potential in them. I could cut ties and be fine with it. I don't know what to do. I am scared. I dont' know what my fear even is. I am so confused.....any advice?

[dlb311]

I have an ex I was with him for 2 and half years. Not as long as your relationship. But for two years we were inseperable. We talked about kids..houses..marriage and moving in together. We had planned on moving in together last September. But two weeks before he was to move the rest of his things into my place he broke up with me. Said he knew he would regret it but wasn't sure if this was what he wanted anymore. I figured he was scared of commitment and ran. I started to move on we were broken up for 4 months. Met a guy but he didn't go very far. Then he came back and we tried things again. Things were good as new like before. Then he bought a house with a guy friend of his and started to be distant again. After 3 months of being together he broke things off again. Saying still not sure. I finally said this is it. No more I can't handle this. I had no doubts about us and he just keeps taking advantage of the situation by neglecting us.

 

I started dating a guy right away. He was great..I liked him alot. He had a lot of baggage so about a month ago we broke things off and decided to just be friends. Now three months after the break up with the ex he calls me all the time and asked me to meet him for coffee. Finally after a month of calling I agreed. I thought to myself going into it this isn't what I want at all. I don't want anything to do with this guy ever again. I was going for closure. He begged for me back told me I was the one and you don't know what you have till its gone. All of a sudden my feelings changed I wanted him back just as bad. But I didn't show it. I hid it so I could really see how sincere he was. Well I told him I couldn't get back with him. He then called yesterday the day after and said he wants me back and asking me to get dinner and coffee and lunch with him. I was like dang umm...I told you no. He said I will take whatever I can get. I told him that if this is in his heart and he really wants this to work..then he has to prove it. In a sence he has to make the commitment now. I never wanted it to happen this way. But I wont start investing my time or feelings into him unless I know this is what he wants forever and that he is sure. Other wise its time for me to move on. I don't know if he gets it or not but hopefully he will come to realize I am the girl or I am not so we can get going with our lives and stop pondering this situation.

 

Anyway so to tell you what I recommend for you to do. I think that you should really think this through. Can you see yourself living the rest of your life without him and is that truely okay with you. Can you really never talk to him again. Or can you see yourself marrying him and having his children. Feelings change and after all you have been through together it can make you or break you. Its up to you now it seems. But I would say search your soul. What will make you happy him or being on your own. Its hard to find others that are good. THere are few and far between guys and gals that our worth investing time into. There are people with some much baggage it weights you down.

 

Just think about this long and hard. Take a day to yourself...go to the beach the park and just spend time with your thoughts. Write what you are feeling down each day for a week. Then go back and see how many times that week you felt you needed him in your life and how many times you didn't. That may help. write down what life with him will be like and what you can imagine your life like without him. Will he hold you back from things you want in life?

 

Good luck sometimes the hard times just show you how much you are willing to work through things with someone. How strong are you? Don't let him get away if he is really worth it.

[UCFKevin]

I've said this before and I'll say it again.

 

If you ever EVER have to ask the question, "Should I get married or should I whatever?" do the whatever.

 

Marry because you want to. Marry because you can't imagine spending the rest of your life without that person. Marry because it would make you happy.

 

Marrying for any other reason would not only potentially hurt you, but the other person as well, in addition to being a waste of time and a lot of money.

[lost_in_chgo]

Yeah, if you gotta ask, you shouldn't.

Wait until you have no doubts or find someone else.

[UCFKevin]

Exactly.

 

I can't fathom how this sort of question can be asked so many times here.

 

Marriage is a HUGE deal. It's not just a quick solution to a problem for God's sake.

[dribliz]

dlb311

 

Thank you so much. You brought up a couple really good things for me to think of and ideas for me to try. I appreciate it. This is a really hard decision. I think I am just scared. He's great. I love him. I look in my future and I really can't imagine him not being there. So I think you're right I just need to take some time away and spend some time just with my thoughts.

 

Thanks!

[dribliz]

Hey.........can i ask you a serious personal question? Are you married or have you been?

[dribliz]

311

 

I think I'm being kinda selfish in a way as well. I mean I want some time to myself right now to get clear in my head. But I don't want to lose him. I can see him in my future. I really can't imagine my life without him but I just need some time to myself to sort through some things. I have never really had the time or space to even take in what has happened and the changes that have occurred. I still have some bitter feelings and walls up due to what happened in the past and I feel I just need to take the time to work through that. Hopefully he is still there by that time. It's a big risk to take because I do love him with all my heart but I feel it is what I have to do to be clear. I believe we need a fresh start. We deserve a fresh start.

[dlb311]

dribliz

 

You are very welcome. Just remember needing time might mean you might lose him. I know people say well if its meant to be it will. There is that chance and there is that chance that umm...remember what he did to you. He needed his time and space to date others. How did that make you feel and now you are doing the same maybe not dating but taking yourself away from the situation. I believe that to fix something or make something better you have to put effort into it and not walk away. SPending time talking and working through it is how i believe secessful couples make it. YOu can't give up. Tell him..you know I can't imagine my life without you. But fromt he past I have a wall up trying to protect myself. I don't want to get hurt again. He should understand and hopeful you two can figure out ways to help both out.

 

But since you said you haven't talked to him since your little fight I recommend calling him or something and telling him what you are going through and what is going through your mind. I believe that the relationships that last are the ones where you both tell each other most of the things and work out any problem or situation even if you feel its ridiculous...talking through all your thoughts, doubts, and feelings will help you become closer and stronger.

 

For Kevin...

I do totally agree with that marriage is a big deal why would you even ask. But See I think the situation is not do I want to marry but if I do can I trust he wont hurt me again and walk out on me. If someone has walked out on you.. or told you they needed to see other people they just weren't sure..and then being apart made them realize wait I had the best thing that has ever come my way and might ever come my way...I want this I will give it my all...you are scared that he or she might do it again. That is all...but you know you love them and want this...

 

hope this helps good luck

[dribliz]

Thanks again. It's funny I seem to hear it more or get more clear from you than I have talking to my friends and my family. For some reason talking to a perfect stranger and hearing their point of view is hitting home for me. He called me just shortly after our last email. He wants to get together just for a minute and talk. I wasn't sure I wanted to. I think I am in avoidance mode and just want my space. But I think it will serve me to talk to him tomorrow. Then he is leaving for the weekend and will be gone out of town working for the next week so maybe we can talk together and then spend some time away and then the answers will come. I appreciate your insight more than you could imagine. Thanks

[dlb311]

Sure no problem I am glad that my thoughts and advice could benefit you. I have learned alot through my experiences. We all learn different things. WE all need to share them. Sometimes we have to make our own mistakes but that is what helps us to see clearer.

 

I wish you the best of luck tomorrow. I know the avoidence mood. I am there too. My ex keeps calling me all day long for the past couple days asking me to see him to let him take me out. I told him no that until I feel safe and secure that he wont walk out on my and that This is want he wants forever and ever..then I can not get my feelings involved in him again. He totally understands but says he will not give up. Again until I see that he makes a commitment to me and not just being my boyfriend this time..will I date him ...kiss him or hang out with him. He showed up at my door last night with a gallon of my favorite ice cream. Nice huh? He stayed for like an hour. I didn't even sit on the same couch as him. When he left we gave each other a big huge for abot 3 minutes..and then he left. He then called me when he got him to say good night and that he hoped I wasn't upset he just showed up. I told him no it didn't bother me. I want him in my life I always have but I can't let him in if he is just going to decide that he isn't ready. I am not in a hurry to get married..I am 23 and he is 24 but still....after the breaks and everything I need to know this is what he wants forever and without a ring I don't think anything else can prove to me that, that is what he wants.

 

Again so happy that I could help...let me know how it goes...

[dribliz]

I think that is exactly what i need to do. I am not looking to get married tomorrow and I think that is what scares me. I just need to work into it slow like a brand new start. I need a fresh start. I think you are doing the perfect thing though. I think it's great that you sat on the other couch. Not that it is a game or they have to play but at the same time they messed up they deserve to prove themselves. That is how I feel. It's funny I was with a guy though before J and we were together for four years as well and things were awful. It's funny cause ppl always told me what are you doing you should find someone else. with j everyone tells me you are a fool if you let him go. Ppl want me to get married so bad. They love us together. we are really cute together. we have a lot of fun. I just think I need a fresh start to rekindle that spark. Time will give me that I feel then we can slowly move into dating. The whole kiss me good night at the end of the date and leave me at the door and not move to quickly then I feel my wall will fall. Who knows.................. I will let you know what happens. I love talking to you though. I will touch base after tomorrow and see what the next week or so holds in store.

[dlb311]

Of course I would love to hear how it goes.

Just be strong..and let him know exactly how you feel. No harm can be done now..I know everyone knows that my ex has hurt me and I deserve the best..but we all know he is such a good guy just bad choices...

 

I like talking to...have a good one

[UCFKevin]

Nope, never been married. I hope you aren't going to pull the whole, "THen how would you know?" schpiel with me.

[sara1974]

If you gotta ask. You shouldn't do it. When your ready to marry you'll just know it's right and you won't second guess yourself. Good luck

[dlb311]

Have you ever heard you don't know what you have till its gone. that is a very very true statement.

 

So some people get real scared getting married can be scary but exciting. But you want to be sure...right? sometimes you fear yourself can you make it..you love that person so much you don't want to let them down.

 

All I know is sometimes you have to lose what you have to know what you had. Let it go if it comes back you know!

 

Like I said before she is saying she is scared of getting hurt again not that she doesn't want him in her life.

 

Plus every relationship is different you have to get through the hard times together..and if you have early in the relationship you have a strong bond for the rest of the ride.

[dribliz]

kevin

 

Actually I was going to ask one of two questions depending on the answer... one being how did you know if you were? Two being if not..........why aren't you what is your fear? What is your situation?

[UCFKevin]

Hmm.

 

one being how did you know if you were?

 

I think having a wedding and exchanging vows would kind of tip me off.

 

why aren't you what is your fear? What is your situation?

 

I'm single. I have no fear of marriage. I was ready to marry my ex, as a matter of fact, but things deteriorated.

[dribliz]

I wasn't asking how did you know you were married smart*** I was asking ify ou were married how did youi know when you were ready? What do you mean by deteriorated? What happened?

[UCFKevin]

You should've been more clear.

 

I knew I was ready when I thought about my life without her and thought about my life with her and realizing I'd much rather spend the rest of my life with her than without her. It wasn't like a lightbulb turning on over my head or anything, it was just something I began to realize.

 

Things deteriorated by her having too much time to devote to work and school, and not having any time for me, on top of the fact that I had become selfish and uncommunicative, then when things began to rotten, she wasn't willing to work them out while I was. A s***ty instance of too little, too late.

[dribliz]

I am to a decision making point for sure. My problem is I dont' know what my problem is. HA HA HA. Really I'm not ready for some reason, I don't know if it is due to fear or fear of what. I dont' have a complaint about the guy. He is the sweetest, most loving, thoughtful guy I have ever met. It's like everything is line up like you would think if you were to get married. I trust him completely, he is my best friend. We get along great, we have things in common, mutual friends, we allow each other the space to do our own thing and respect the differences we do have. I honestly do not know what my set back is or what is holding me back. I think just fear of commitment. I have never had that before. I guess too the reality of getting married is actually here now and I'm scared. I got married right out of high school and got divorced. I had dated a guy for a year and a half and we ended up getting pregnant and got married. We lost the baby a month before we got married but decided that we still wanted to get married. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER! We obviously got divorced. We are still friends but the marriage didn't work. Completely different situation than the guy I'm dating now. He got hurt playing ball and got addicted ot pain pills and drugs and we went our separate ways due to different beliefs and goals. So I really don't know what my fear is per say.

 

 

As you said I look it our relationship... the one I am currently working with. I would much rather spend my life with him than without him. One of my things I'mscared of is I don't have the same feeling as I did when we first started dating or even as I did a year ago. Does that mean that I am not in love anymore? That is where my doubt is I guess. Or does it just mean it's at a higher deeper level? I dont' know I am so confused. Sometimes because of all that has happened I wonder if it is too sh..tty too late. Then sometimes I think well if we made it through what we have we can make it through anything..........I am just so unclear right now.

[dlb311]

I think that you should listen to yourself. You want him you can't imagine your life with out him he is so great...your are just in fear...

Relationships aren't always roses and wine. You have the blah stages...but you have to realize that with work and dedication the romantic intense love times will come..and go and come and go through out the years. and I believe in the end if you stick through it you will be happier then you ever thought. Because you went through it all with that person and you love them more and more...

 

I think you should face your fears before you lose the best thing.