I picked myself up, finally, after years of being down

[Athena]

This year I've been off antidepressants, am not on any meds at all actually, and I haven't been to any counseling for a year.

 

I went back to gym and got fit.

 

I joined up a few Meetup groups and made some girl friends.

 

And -- the final piece -- after being a stay at home mom for most of our 25 yr marriage, I finally got a J-O-B!

 

My husband is a serial cheater and I got depressed and stuck over his many infidelities, but I have worked on removing him from my heart in the last couple of years.

 

My question: Is it wrong to stay married if I am only gearing for an eventual divorce?

I don't want to every love/trust him again. He is narcissistic, although he also has charm, money, writes beautifully, has a good physique, an excellent sense of humor, travels extensively, and can be more than generous.

 

On the other hand, he only came home twice in the past year.....

 

Is it wrong to 'pretend' we are this Married Couple?

 

I'm so afraid this 'act' is real

[carhill]

Firstly, congratulations on your achievements

"My question: Is it wrong to stay married if I am only gearing for an eventual divorce?"

 

What do you have to gain by remaining married?

[Athena]

Firstly, congratulations on your achievements

"My question: Is it wrong to stay married if I am only gearing for an eventual divorce?"

 

What do you have to gain by remaining married?

 

Thanks Carhill.

 

I have an entry level job with promised promotions within 6 mths and 18 mths (on completion of my Masters degree) so I earn very little. It's a part time job to begin with (20 hours a week), so I cannot support myself yet.

 

My husband has reached the peak of his earning power, he contracts abroad so is paid a lot, and he keeps the kids in college, me at home, we are buying a house.

 

I guess I gain security -- financial, not emotional or anything else. I fear he would turn nasty and vindictive if I file for divorce. I'd definitely wouldn't get any kind of alimony because he'd 'disappear' and refuse to pay.

 

Perhaps a better question would be what do I have to lose by divorcing?

 

A friend made me doubt myself by telling me I shouldn't stay married because I am 'tethered' to my husband.

 

I go back in the Fall to pick up my Master's degree from where I had left it... my husband is happy to pay for that, there's no way I could afford to do that on my own, or to pay for this house.

 

I just feel I'd lose my 'position' in life by declaring divorce when it seems he's perfectly content to play married.

 

I am wondering if it is bad for my psyche to stay 'married' while getting my 'ducks in a row'.

 

I have no intentions of 'screwing him' financially -- I just want to be strong enough to stand on my own two feet.

 

It was quite a feat to get me emotionally happy again, and back to my old self! I don't want to knock myself down.

[betterdeal]

What, materially, can't you do married to an absent spouse that you can do divorced from him?

[Athena]

What, materially, can't you do married to an absent spouse that you can do divorced from him?

 

Exactly!

 

It's true.

 

But I am just wondering how that might 'weaken' me.... I feel wrong to be with him if I'm thinking not to be.

 

However, he is surely with some woman over there (since he was even when our marriage was strong), so how wrong is it for me just to continue as we are.

 

It doesn't seem to bother HIM...

[carhill]

So, if you were open with him about your plans, such disclosure wouldn't change the current dynamic? He'd be up with you finishing up your education, going to work full-time and then ending it legally? Sounds like it wouldn't be a big deal to him.

 

Perhaps karma might reward his infidelity with your unannounced departure at some future date; that said, how do you feel about that? Does it match up with your style of conducting a marriage? It sounds like you have an opinion about that. How do you propose to resolve it?

[betterdeal]

Even if you didn't have doubts about the marriage, getting a job, standing on your own two feet, feeling happy and secure within yourself is no bad thing, right?

 

What do you miss about him?

[Athena]

Even if you didn't have doubts about the marriage, getting a job, standing on your own two feet, feeling happy and secure within yourself is no bad thing, right?

 

What do you miss about him?

 

I miss how he used to love me. ... or, rather, how I THOUGHT he loved me...

 

That's true, it's not bad thing getting myself strong, unlike my weakened state before during his infidelities.

 

How soon is not-soon-enough?!

 

I hope I don't fall in love with my husband ever again, because he is not to be trusted.

[Athena]

So, if you were open with him about your plans, such disclosure wouldn't change the current dynamic? He'd be up with you finishing up your education, going to work full-time and then ending it legally? Sounds like it wouldn't be a big deal to him.

 

Perhaps karma might reward his infidelity with your unannounced departure at some future date; that said, how do you feel about that? Does it match up with your style of conducting a marriage? It sounds like you have an opinion about that. How do you propose to resolve it?

 

No, he'd cut me off, he'd cut our kids off too (well so he threatened when they were younger, if I'd ever leave him), he has even threatened suicide, though I don't believe he'd actually go through with it.

 

Karma might have to pay him a visit... he's done some pretty mean things.

 

You ask, "Does it match up with your style of conducting a marriage".... No. I feel horribly at odds with myself.

Like, morally, I know it's not right to be with him, but I am, and it USED to be in the name of Love, and then of Loyalty, but now I am afraid it's just due to Need... not honorable at all, is it?

 

On the other hand, if you look at the timeline of 25 years (going on 26), then another year or two isn't THAT great a percentage of time, but I feel awful. I am at odds with my sense of morality.

It's not about what he's owed, or payback, as much as How much planning time is 'okay' when one is considering leaving a marriage.

 

Do others go through ups and downs in a marriage where they Plan to Leave, but perhaps they end up staying?

 

Truly, I see my husband as a family member, no more, no less. I wouldn't like to 'divorce' any family member, no matter how evil they've been to me at times, over the years.... through thick and thin, family is family.

 

What do you all think?

[betterdeal]

It sounds to me like you're detaching emotionally from him, and starting to see your needs and wants more clearly, and are working to satisfy them. No bad thing, right? Some of those needs are affection, love, respect, sex. The more you get out of the house, and on your own feet, the more contact you will have with other men. Your husband is but one option.

[PinkInTheLimo]

You are a person with ethics and that is why you feel the need to live authentically. Your husband would have no problem with it al all.

I understand that you want a clear, transparent situation. The sooner the better. But I would advice you not to shoot yourself in the foot and prepare your exit as carefully as possible. Get your degree, take your time to get back in the professional life. And see a lawyer who can tell you how you can get a fair settlement. You've given a lot in this marriage and you had to endure a lot. You should leave this marriage with a financial arrangement which allows you to live a comfortable life.

 

Don't do anything impulsive. Play it cool. Yes I know it is difficult. But just bear with it a little longer, after all what is 2 years compared to 25?

 

You were talking about the karma for your husband. Well, be that karma. Show him that you cannot behave badly without ultimately getting punished. He won't know what hits him.

 

BTW, congratulations on everything you have achieved, you have refound yourself.

[Athena]

You are a person with ethics and that is why you feel the need to live authentically. Your husband would have no problem with it al all.

I understand that you want a clear, transparent situation. The sooner the better. But I would advice you not to shoot yourself in the foot and prepare your exit as carefully as possible. Get your degree, take your time to get back in the professional life. And see a lawyer who can tell you how you can get a fair settlement. You've given a lot in this marriage and you had to endure a lot. You should leave this marriage with a financial arrangement which allows you to live a comfortable life.

 

Don't do anything impulsive. Play it cool. Yes I know it is difficult. But just bear with it a little longer, after all what is 2 years compared to 25?

 

You were talking about the karma for your husband. Well, be that karma. Show him that you cannot behave badly without ultimately getting punished. He won't know what hits him.

 

BTW, congratulations on everything you have achieved, you have refound yourself.

 

Wow, thank you -- yes, that's exactly how I have been feeling, and thanks for the advice! I will do that.