Is it worth it?

[SpringFlower]

I've been with this man for 5 1/2 years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and always thought about having more children.

 

Early on in our relationship he has talked about "when we have a kid" or "when we get married. I at first took him seriously and looked forward to getting married and having his child.

 

That was 4 1/2 years ago. I got fed up and asked up around one year ago why we didnt' get engaged.

 

I dropped hints. I never mentioned it outright. I tried to be patient. He proposed to his ex at their one year anniversary! We have been together 5 1/2 years!

 

Now I am sick of waiting and ready to leave. If his ex was good enough at one year, why am I not enough at 5 + years?

Edited April 4, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CC12]

Try not to compare your relationship with any of his previous ones. Whatever he did with her doesn't have anything to do with you. Plus, he was at least 6.5 years younger than he is now when her proposed to her, and immaturity can cause a person to act impulsively. Besides, it clearly didn't work out so well with her, so their relationship is not something you should try to mirror.

 

I can understand you being ready to leave if you had made it clear to him that you wanted marriage and he said he didn't, or if he had led you on about it, but for all you know he thinks you're fine with the way things are. Why have you not mentioned wanting to get married?

[TaraMaiden]

Actions speak louder than words.

He has no intention of getting married, and won't broach the subject because everything is absolutely comfortable and convenient as it is. In his mind, it's "if it ain't broke, why fix it?"

 

Abrupt as it sounds, your best bet is one of three options:

 

Confront/propose;

Accept

Leave.

 

Really, that is definitely what it comes down to.

 

You also have to define within your own mind just why marraige is so important to you.

In this day and age, the primary reason would be for financial security for both of you (pension, life insurance, care of joint children, etc).

But he would argue there's much against it too, in the event of a divorce - so you had better have rock-solid reasons to put before him, because it comes down to personal choice.

 

And his silence speaks volumes.

[CupcakeCrisis]

He shouldn't be leading you on. However, you do need to try and be upfront and direct in what you want. Doesn't always go well (done that a few times and gave up on the direct approach), but maybe in your situation it will. Let him know when you want to be married. I think it's fair to ask him where he sees the relationship going - after 5 years you both need to have a timeline for events to happen. If his doesn't agree with yours, you need to decide if it's time to leave.

 

But if he can only tell you "When we get married..." or "we'll get married soon/someday," it's time to bolt. He needs to have a rough idea - not down to the day, but even, "I think we should get married in 1 to 2 years."

 

He obviously jumped the gun with his ex (I don't know of many relationships, besides those in my grandparents' generation, and I think that was more out of dependence on a man, that survived after the couple was together for less than a year) and boom, here he is. It's not surprising then that maybe that experience scarred him and he's faltering.

 

But that's still no excuse to just drag out your precious time. You don't have forever, OP. A conversation needs to happen now. The passive comments about why you aren't engaged need to end if you've never outright discussed the issue.

[StoneCold]

I've been with this man for 5 1/2 years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and always thought about having more children.

 

Early on in our relationship he has talked about "when we have a kid" or "when we get married. I at first took him seriously and looked forward to getting married and having his child.

 

That was 4 1/2 years ago. I got fed up and asked up around one year ago why we didnt' get engaged.

 

I dropped hints. I never mentioned it outright. I tried to be patient. He proposed to his ex at their one year anniversary! We have been together 5 1/2 years!

 

Now I am sick of waiting and ready to leave. If his ex was good enough at one year, why am I not enough at 5 + years?

 

Its not relevant to compare yourself to his ex.... you are both from different times and his opinion of marriage now may be different than it was then

Edited April 4, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote

[InBloom]

Its not relevant to compare yourself to his ex.... you are both from different times and his opinion of marriage now may be different than it was then

 

I agree with this.

 

Easier said than done, but don't drop hints, just ask. Ask him what's going on in his head about the matter. If he's not into it and you want marriage, then you'll know if you should leave or not.

[SpringFlower]

We did talk about it and have talked about it for awhile. He says he does want to, soon.

 

I've been really mad about it because it's been so long, but I think now that we've talked about it I need to be a little patient. Just not so patient that I wait around for several more years.

 

Thanks to everyone for their advice.

[TaraMaiden]

"He does want to, soon"....

 

If he doesn't come up with a more tangible period, 'soon' could be within the next 3 years.

 

How soon is 'soon'... in your perception?

Or are you still unclear as to what his definition covers, exactly?

 

Red flag, honey... red flag a-flappin'......

[Lauriebell82]

Well, I'm not sure what his definition of "soon" is either. You could set an internal deadline (meaning NOT tell him) and if he doesn't propose, say a year from now, then you walk away.

Edited April 4, 2012 by Lauriebell82

[setsenia]

I agree. You need to find out how long "soon" is and hold him to it. If he has no clue, I wouldn't continue to waste your time with him.