Three ways to say no

[Groovy]

This guys at work joins me for lunch each day. He's a nice guy and I enjoy talking with him. He has given me his e-mail, his phone number, invited me places but I have never called, e-mailed or gone anywhere with him. He is about 17 years older than me and I just am not attracted to him. I figured I will be nice and enjoy him as a person- just don't give him any ideas I feel more than what I feel. I told him I was not attracted to older men in his age group, so I thought I was being upfront. I also told him I don't date people at work.

 

Today was my birthday. He bought me balloons shaped like hearts and brought them into my department. I was a little embarassed. Then after work he wanted to walk me to my car and waited for me in the pouring rain. I started to feel angry. People were laughing at him. I feel like he is not taking no for an answer and I actually feel irritated and no longer flattered. I know it was my birthday, but the waiting in the rain with an old umbrella was a bit much. Especially when he has to take a break from his job and leave a building and go across the work campus half a mile.

 

I have noticed lately he has manic depression, though he denies it. There's some other things in a few months I have noticed that are off. He is starting to make me uncomfortable. He has confided I am one of his only friends, and all I do it eat lunch 20 minutes and run!

 

I need an obvious "no" now that a gentle one has not worked. I feel he likes me and believes I need to be convinced by him, when it is not that way.

Do I.....

 

A) Tell him he makes me uncomfortable, I know he has feelings for me and I think we should stop talking? I don't want him defensive and confrontational at work. Or come off as an egomaniac.

 

B) Do I act distant, avoid sitting with him. Left with no explanation. Not a typical thing I do.

 

C) Do I do nothing and continue to feel a little embarrassed and hassled. Let my co-worker live in disillusionment along with his manic depression and hope he doesn't spook me out. He seems like the kind of guy who might.

[UCFKevin]

Throw down a smoke bomb, shoot a grappling hook upwards, and ascend into the air, laughing maniacally.

 

Either that or be direct. Otherwise it'll continue. Be straight up.

[faux]

Originally posted by Groovy

I need an obvious "no" now that a gentle one has not worked. I feel he likes me and believes I need to be convinced by him, when it is not that way.

Do I.....

 

A) Tell him he makes me uncomfortable, I know he has feelings for me and I think we should stop talking? I don't want him defensive and confrontational at work. Or come off as an egomaniac.

 

Yes. If he is making you feel uncomfortable he may in fact not even realize it. Telling him how you feel, and how his behavior is making you feel is a very good idea. Explain specific things that he does which bother you, so he can really understand that you are upset by what he is doing. Reinforce your previous explanations of "No" to him as well.

 

B) Do I act distant, avoid sitting with him. Left with no explanation. Not a typical thing I do.

 

No. That will not be telling him he is upsetting you, and would accomplish nothing.

 

C) Do I do nothing and continue to feel a little embarrassed and hassled. Let my co-worker live in disillusionment along with his manic depression and hope he doesn't spook me out. He seems like the kind of guy who might.

 

Definitely tell him how you feel. Tell him he is scaring you, or however he is making you feel. If he does not stop, do not be afraid to go to the police and see if you could file for harassment. I hope that explaining to him that you definitely mean no, want him to stop what he is doing, and how you feel will sink in for him though.

[moimeme]

Tell him you like him as a pal, but that you would never wish to give him the wrong impression so just in case, you want to be sure he knows that you plan on remaining just pals with him.

[HokeyReligions]

You need to document everything - including statements from other co-workers who have witnessed his behavior toward you.

 

Tell him directly that he is making you uncomfortable and that you are not interested and tell him that you want no further contact with him.

 

Stop eating lunch with him.

 

If he continues, go to your HR department and tell them what is going on. This is bordering on harrassment and most companies have internal procedures to deal with these situations. It will probably involve someone from HR investigating him and giving him a warning. You can even suggest to HR that you think this man may have an emotional problem or maybe an illness like depression and HR can follow up by insisting he see a doctor and get a diagnosis and treatment.

 

But you need to be direct with him and then cut off all contact. The first thing HR will do is ask you if you have told him to leave you alone.

[moimeme]

I think before you start building a case against him, you need to be clear with him. You say He's a nice guy and I enjoy talking with him. He has picked up on that and is trying to build on it. Even though you have told him in the vaguest of possible terms that you don't date people his age, your continued friendly reception may have led him to believe that you might make an exception in his case.

 

Do as I suggested and be clear with him. I expect he'll be crestfallen. You will also have to quit spending time with him. Sometimes it's unfair to keep in contact with someone who has a crush on you if you don't feel the same way. Whether or not you enjoy his company, you will have to do without it to be fair to him because if you keep seeming to enjoy his company, he will continue to hope you may learn to enjoy even more of his company.

[SoleMate]

I vote for (B). Start freezing him out, beginning immediately. I wouldn't even have the friendly chat about being "just friends"; a guy like this, who doesn't take hints easily, will just interpret a little chat as a courtship ritual and get even more encouraged. So...no more chatting, lunches, smiles or jokes. Don't accept any gifts, and do whatever you have to do to return material left on your desk or at your car. Act business like and only talk to him when work requires it. And if he still doesn't get it, inform him coolly that you will not be aavailable for lunch again. And stick to that. Sit with others, bring a book, eat at your desk, get up and leave when he sits next to you...whatever it takes.

 

And don't worry about coming off as an egomaniac, rude, whatever. His behavior is way out of line. I don't know if it qualifies as "sexual harassment", but it sure is beyond the norm of what you should put up with. Don't see this as your problem...it is HIS problem. HE is the one who is behaving inappropriately. I wish I could say he is the only male who behaves this way. Unfortunately, he has many "soul brothers" who will take as encouragement anything short of an assault with a flamethrower!!!