I have low/no maternal instinct

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is something that I have always felt. On a base level I have very low desire to have children. I want them in some abstract sense, like the ultimate "ending" to people being in love is getting married and having kids. It's something that my mum desparetly wants and something that is considered "normal" by society standards. I am certainly not against kids and I want to still have that as an option. That's why I feel upset at getting older, but that's about it.

 

I never have a desire to look at babies, baby pictures etc. I never look at little kids on the street and go awww. However, I do it with animals all the time I feel awkward around kids and for the most part consider them loud and annoying. I never feel envy for pregnant woman.

 

Having said all that, once I had a pregnancy scare when I was with my ex. My period was late. I did a pregnancy test and when I discovered it was negative, I did feel a distinct sense of disappointment.

 

When I was with my ex, I always said how I want kids. He wanted them and I felt like I kind of did too. He noticed how I never point out babies to him like other women supposedly do and how I look bored when he shows me pictures of babies (he was constantly looking at babies). I would always reassure him that I do like kids and want them. He was always picking at the fact how he doesn't feel like I naturally want to be a mother and how he is worried that I would be selfish once we had kids

 

Anyhow, I am wondering, are other women like this? I somehow feel that once I had my own baby, my feelings would change. I never quite got pregnancy desperation and obsession though.

Edited April 4, 2012 by Eternal Sunshine

[Ross MwcFan]

This is something that I have always felt. On a base level I have very low desire to have children. I want them in some abstract sense, like the ultimate "ending" to people being in love is getting married and having kids. It's something that my mum desparetly wants and something that is considered "normal" by society standards. I am certainly not against kids and I want to still have that as an option. That's why I feel upset at getting older, but that's about it.

 

I never have a desire to look at babies, baby pictures etc. I never look at little kids on the street and go awww. However, I do it with animals all the time I feel awkward around kids and for the most part consider them loud and annoying. I never feel envy for pregnant woman.

 

Having said all that, once I had a pregnancy scare when I was with my ex. My period was late. I did a pregnancy test and when I discovered it was negative, I did feel a distinct sense of disappointment.

 

When I was with my ex, I always said how I want kids. He wanted them and I felt like I kind of did too. He noticed how I never point out babies to him like other women supposedly do and how I look bored when he shows me pictures of babies (he was constantly looking at babies). I would always reassure him that I do like kids and want them. He was always picking at the fact how he doesn't feel like I naturally want to be a mother and how he is worried that I would be selfish once we had kids

 

Anyhow, I am wondering, are other women like this? I somehow feel that once I had my own baby, my feelings would change. I never quite got pregnancy desperation and obsession though.

 

I'm totally with you there ES.

 

Please don't have a baby just because you think your feelings will change though, because if they don't, and maybe the chances are they wont, it wont be fair on you or the baby.

[xpaperxcutx]

I can honestly say my family dynamic isn't all that great... my relationship with my mother has always bern a love and hate ordeal which left me feeling indifferent about marriage and having litters of my own. That said I love children as lobg as thet are not my own and umi take the upmost precaution to not get pregnant and if I did I would have an abortion without a second thought.

[Leigh 87]

I do not look at babies and think they are cute. Babies to not ellicit any special emotion in me; nothing maternal, it does not make me want them, although I do get curious when I entertain the thought of how I would be, as a mother.

I do not much care for children, but I do have special bonds with some and do love certain, special kids who " get me". I am good with kids, some people say:)

That said, I have no desire to have my own children, although it is something I know WOULD be such an amazing, out of this world experience if I DID have kids; I know it would be wonderful to experience that bond and have the love between mother and child, and hoepfully the dynamic between the baby and partner and u....

I do not want kids so strongly that it would ruin me if I did not have them; at the same time I can truly feel that I would get great joy from being a mother.

 

I would not look into it too much, Sunshine. Your no less of a nice person because you lack the desire to have kids. It should not bother you, all that you need to focus on, is finding a partner who is indifferent to kids; you may one day want them, a switch might go on!!!

Date a guy and get too close BEFORE finding out they actually WANT kids, for certain, is recipe for potential disaster....

[TaraMaiden]

few telling comments:

My mother - whom I adore - once said that she and my father were not parents - they were a couple with children.

 

I can totally equate.

 

I had my two children - i loved being pregnant, and i felt very happy and fulfilled as a mother, and enjoyed bringing them up.

that gloss has long since dissipated - and i have said before, and will always say: If I had my time again, I'd think a lot more, and a whole lot more carefully - about the whole package, whys and wherefores and wisdom, of having children.

 

that is not to ever say I regret having my children.

 

and now, my tolerance level for children is very low - but mainly, i think on analysis, it has more to do with the way they're being permissively brought up - or 'dragged up' as my ex-MiL would have said, by parents who seem ill-equipped to do so....

 

but I'm with you.

There is absolutely no logical, humanitarian, biological, social, ethical, moral reason for you to have children.

but there are plenty as to why you might like to consider sponsoring one in a less fortunate and poorer country.

 

Maybe?

 

But that too, is entirely up to you.

[zengirl]

I actually love kids and have a very nurturing instinct, BUT probably no maternal instinct or desire to pop something out of my body and be its mother. I wasn't "against" it per se so I did date men who wanted kids as well and probably would've had kids if I married one. Luckily for me, I married one who did not. We might foster someday, as that does appeal to me, and is not the same as 'having kids.'

 

I don't think everyone has to have kids. If you have no maternal instinct, don't have kids. I don't think my mother had any maternal instinct -- she just happened to have a kid -- but it worked out okay, so I do think if you're ambivalent and happen to have a kid because of who you marry or BC failing, it's probably fine (don't have oodles under those circumstances, of course). Many people find they love their kids even if they didn't have those instincts, but I wouldn't go chasing the dream of having kids without it.

[CarrieT]

Anyhow, I am wondering, are other women like this? I somehow feel that once I had my own baby, my feelings would change. I never quite got pregnancy desperation and obsession though.

I am now in my late 40s and I NEVER had the maternal instinct; I had an abortion when I was 16 and never regretted not having children.

 

I have been on birth control for the past 30 years and had to end one relationship because he wanted children and I did not.

 

It is only now that I am dating a man with three children (10, 12, 13) that I even reconsidered having children in my life - until now, I even dismissed getting involved with any man who still had kids in their life.

 

Some of us just never wanted kids so it is not unusual!

[RiverRunning]

I do think it's a dangerous game of "Maybe if I had my own baby..." My sister-in-law is very much similar. She's 30 now and has never really liked being around kids - but to be fair she's also never really been around them much. She also has some personality traits that I just don't think would jive very well with kids - she's rather selfish (I actually don't necessarily mean that in a negative way). She doesn't really make room in her life for kids - she's very involved in other things and very me-oriented. She just likes to be the focal point of her marriage, and there's nothing wrong with that so long as both partners are in agreement. But having a kid would obviously disrupt that and I don't know if she could deal with it.

 

But she's also at a point in her life when her clock is ticking and she doesn't want to make a decision she will regret.

 

Even the people most certain that they would like to have kids falter. I remember having a late period once and thinking: What would I DO? The thought of actually giving birth made me feel shaky. The thought of shifting the focus of my life indefinitely to care for a child made me queasy. I even had doubts about my ability to parent - doubts that I've rarely had in my daily life.

 

But as for you, OP - what do I think would possibly change your mind?

 

IT'S STORY TIME.

 

My ex-boyfriend was 25 when we met. Besides interacting a bit with the infant foster child one of his ex-girlfriend's families was caring for for about 15 minutes, he had never really been around them. He too saw them as "loud" and "annoying" - after all, that's what you really pay attention to in stores and restaurants. The kids shrieking their heads off. Not the little cute ones eating quietly or tagging in a well-behaved manner after Mom. We see those FEW instances and we assume that is what all kids are like all the time, and that's just simply not true.

 

Do you have a friend or a family member who has a baby or a young kid, OP? Maybe you could suggest hanging out for the day and interacting more with kids. Ask the opinions of those around you - did they ever doubt the decision to have kids before they had them? What made them afraid? I think you'll find that concerns are mostly universal.

 

Eventually, maybe you could even arrange to baby-sit for a little while. Get to know a kid.

 

My ex-boyfriend grew very attached to my cousin, who was 2 when we started dating. He's about to turn 6. That relationship prompted my ex to go from "I never want kids, I'm pretty sure" to "I think I would be sad if I didn't."

 

Maybe that's the component that's missing from your life. For me, it's been mostly natural - my mom baby-sat everybody's kids. I'm accustomed to dealing with them. And some of it is just your personality.

 

You do ALWAYS have options: I'm not saying they're cheap (certainly, getting pregnant the old-fashioned way is much cheaper). But if nothing else, maybe you could start squirreling away money so that if indeed your biological clock ticks past you, you can still have a child through other means.

[RiverRunning]

I'm totally with you there ES.

 

Please don't have a baby just because you think your feelings will change though, because if they don't, and maybe the chances are they wont, it wont be fair on you or the baby.

 

 

Yeah, I agree (just wanted to add). The studies pop out all the time that in MOST cases, your gut instinct is correct. People who say they don't want kids are happiest when they don't have them. People who want them are happiest when they have them. And there's nothing wrong with not having kids of your own.

 

If you change your mind - I'm sure you have cousins or siblings fairly close in your age who have kids or are thinking about kids. You could satisfy that urge to have children of your own maybe by fostering a relationship with your little cousins or nieces/nephews.

[El Brujo]

I never had the instinct to be a daddy. I leave that to the "breeders".

 

Yes, my late mother pressured me to give her grandkids... she was great at making a pitiful face when she didn't get her way (remember this was the same woman who used to screech at me and brandish a carving knife at m when I was little).

 

Anyway, being a kid in today's world is no fun... it's like what I imagine Stalinist Russia was like, you get busted for EVERYTHING. I'd give my kids BB guns, go-karts, and a lot of other things that all the other boys had when I was a kid but my mean old mother would never give them to me... my kids would be a bunch of juvenile delinquents whose Dad would have scars on his butt from all the times he's been caned in prison for letting his little brats go hog-wild on the neighborhood.

[brokenTom]

Anyhow, I am wondering, are other women like this?

One of my closest friends is always telling me she doesn't want kids, and for reasons similar to your own. So no, you are DEFINITELY not alone.

[wwwjd]

[i'm Male]

MY GOD! Where are you all hiding??? I've been looking for this 1% vein for a decade!!

 

There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. It's just a choice - albeit an "odd" one according to society. There are quiet groups of people out there who call themselves "Child Free" not childless.

 

My goal in life is to end up with one of you permenantly in the end. Nothing against kids at all, and many of my relationships claim I would make a GREAT father with my funster outlook, but it just doesn't fit my world right now and propbably never.

 

So, I guess what I am saying there are guys out there who long for girls like this. I don't need to mention the sexual side of this, but I could go on and on.

 

Just so excited to see this thread! It is very encouraging to me. Thanks!!

[Mme. Chaucer]

Regardless of societal and mommy pressure, it really is perfectly okay not to want to have children, and not to have any.

 

I think the world would probably be a better place if people who weren't completely invested in the desire to have and raise children, didn't. There is NO shame in it.

[TaraMaiden]

If you want to adopt an animal, from an animal shelter - you have to go through all manner of legal and personal checks to prove you're a capable person, and that you have the right environment to take that animal to.

If you want a child, and your only choice is to adopt - again, the legal, medical and social hoops you have to go through, are gargantuan, and it has the potential to be a demoralising and heart-stopping process....

 

If you become pregnant, the only matter of any prolonged scrutiny is the mother and baby's well-being - but i don't know whether there's any able and civilised country in the world that assesses people and evaluates whether they're a fit person to be a parent.

 

Being a mother/father is biologically simple.

Being a parent takes a whole lot more dedication....

[Ross MwcFan]

[i'm Male]

MY GOD! Where are you all hiding??? I've been looking for this 1% vein for a decade!!

 

There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. It's just a choice - albeit an "odd" one according to society. There are quiet groups of people out there who call themselves "Child Free" not childless.

 

My goal in life is to end up with one of you permenantly in the end. Nothing against kids at all, and many of my relationships claim I would make a GREAT father with my funster outlook, but it just doesn't fit my world right now and propbably never.

 

So, I guess what I am saying there are guys out there who long for girls like this. I don't need to mention the sexual side of this, but I could go on and on.

 

Just so excited to see this thread! It is very encouraging to me. Thanks!!

 

'Child Free', I like it!

[FitChick]

More people than ever don't want kids. They prefer their fur babies. Fur babies never steal from them, won't borrow and wreck their car, won't accuse them of ruining their lives, etc.

 

Wanting or not wanting kids isn't the big deal it used to be. I suppose it depends which country you live in though. In America, it's no big deal. It seems to be a bigger deal in the UK. Different strokes for different folks.

 

I never wanted kids but I like babies and small children for short periods of time only. Then I give them back to their parents. So I get the best of both worlds.

 

The research has been consistent over the past few decades. It's always two-thirds of parents regret having had kids. I find that very interesting. Marriage satisfaction decreases with the birth of the first child and if the couple stays married, increases again when the kids leave the nest.

[january2011]

I'm at the stage in life where all my peers either have kids already or are pregnant (again).

 

I'm still not sure if I want kids - I do love being around children and talking to them, especially kids in the 3-7 age range. I also love teaching and showing them things. But I don't know if I want some of my own - mostly because of the whole labour experience and health issues rather than concerns about being a parent per se.

 

Having said all that, I don't want the choice taken out of my hands by biology.

[setsenia]

May I ask how old you are? It's perfectly acceptable not to desire children. I know plenty of people who have never had that maternal instinct. Actually, a friend of mine is in her early 40's and has decided that she will never have children. She told me many of the same things. She never found kids cute, hated being around them, especially when they are screaming etc. Several people told her when she was younger that she would change her mind and she never did. Some people just aren't meant to have children. I think it's important that you don't let society norms pressure you into wanting kids, such as your boyfriend etc.

 

My H's mom never had maternal instinct, which is unfortunate for him. She got pregnant at 19 by "accident" (don't really believe in accidents IMO, because pregnancy can easily be prevented in many ways) and after she was married to his dad for a year, they got divorced and his father raised him his whole life until he passed at 16. In short, his mother was never really "motherly" to him. She just treated him like another relative, but in family situations, she had the nerve to boast about "my son" this and that. When she honestly never really made an effort to be in his life. He's almost 29 now and that still hasn't changed. She shows more love and affection to her husband and her dogs. It's horrible that people like this have children. If you are uncertain you want children for the right reasons, please do not have them. You'll know when and if you are ready to have children.

[setsenia]

More people than ever don't want kids. They prefer their fur babies. Fur babies never steal from them, won't borrow and wreck their car, won't accuse them of ruining their lives, etc.

 

 

LOL! This is what my MIL lacking maternal instinct calls her dogs.

[Mme. Chaucer]

More people than ever don't want kids. They prefer their fur babies. Fur babies never steal from them, won't borrow and wreck their car, won't accuse them of ruining their lives, etc.

 

.

 

My animals consider the term "fur babies" to be a horrible slur.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am adopting a kitten as we speak. I went through the whole lengthy process and will finally get it. I look at his pictures every day and go awww. Weirdly, I don't really feel anything close to that when I see a human baby or a kid.

 

I am glad to have posted this thread and am not made to feel like some monster. I am not surprised about marriages going downhill after. I have seen the drudgery couple's lives turn into after having kids. Not to mention all the emotional and financial responsibility for as long as you live... I simply don't want them enough.

[Eternal Sunshine]

BTW I am 33. I have always felt that way. People were telling me that I will change my mind.

 

Idea of adopting or fostering appeals to me more, mostly from the humanitarian prospective.

[BetheButterfly]

This is something that I have always felt. On a base level I have very low desire to have children. I want them in some abstract sense, like the ultimate "ending" to people being in love is getting married and having kids. It's something that my mum desparetly wants and something that is considered "normal" by society standards. I am certainly not against kids and I want to still have that as an option. That's why I feel upset at getting older, but that's about it.

 

I never have a desire to look at babies, baby pictures etc. I never look at little kids on the street and go awww. However, I do it with animals all the time I feel awkward around kids and for the most part consider them loud and annoying. I never feel envy for pregnant woman.

 

Having said all that, once I had a pregnancy scare when I was with my ex. My period was late. I did a pregnancy test and when I discovered it was negative, I did feel a distinct sense of disappointment.

 

When I was with my ex, I always said how I want kids. He wanted them and I felt like I kind of did too. He noticed how I never point out babies to him like other women supposedly do and how I look bored when he shows me pictures of babies (he was constantly looking at babies). I would always reassure him that I do like kids and want them. He was always picking at the fact how he doesn't feel like I naturally want to be a mother and how he is worried that I would be selfish once we had kids

 

Anyhow, I am wondering, are other women like this? I somehow feel that once I had my own baby, my feelings would change. I never quite got pregnancy desperation and obsession though.

 

People are different. There are women who love kids, and there are women who prefer kids to be far away from them.

 

I love kids, but my youngest sister doesn't. It's no big deal. Now, I would encourage you to seriously think if you do want kids. Some women who have kids probably should have thought about the vast and crucial responsibilities having kids includes before not using a contraceptive when having sex. Sadly, there are so many kids in the world who feel unloved and who are not taken care of well by their parents.

 

So, whatever you do, make sure your kids is not one of those who fell unloved and is not well taken care of... don't have kids just to please someone else, including your Mom. However, if in time you feel ready and willing to have a kid, and that feeling is more than just a passing whim wondering what it's like, then feel free to have a child and shower him/her/them with love and care!

 

I encourage anybody who is not a Mom yet but is thinking about being a Mom, to volunteer somewhere, helping with babies under supervised and great caregivers who love kids. Kids require a lot of attention, care, love, respect, and energy. So, before having kids, please volunteer somewhere and learn how to take care of them in a way that makes them happy, healthy, and growing in self-confidence!

 

Again, sad to say, so many children suffer from having parents who don't want them, don't take good care of them, and/or don't know how.

[brokenTom]

BTW I am 33. I have always felt that way. People were telling me that I will change my mind.

 

Idea of adopting or fostering appeals to me more, mostly from the humanitarian prospective.

Same here...

 

I encourage anybody who is not a Mom yet but is thinking about being a Mom, to volunteer somewhere, helping with babies under supervised and great caregivers who love kids. Kids require a lot of attention, care, love, respect, and energy. So, before having kids, please volunteer somewhere and learn how to take care of them in a way that makes them happy, healthy, and growing in self-confidence!

This is also a good idea for potential Dads.

[wwwjd]

I encourage anybody who is not a Mom yet but is thinking about being a Mom, to volunteer somewhere, helping with babies under supervised and great caregivers who love kids. Kids require a lot of attention, care, love, respect, and energy. So, before having kids, please volunteer somewhere and learn how to take care of them in a way that makes them happy, healthy, and growing in self-confidence!

 

 

This! My last young girlfriend who confided in me her entire aim/goal in life was to be a mommy, ended up doing a temp foster home thing for a while. Man, what an instant rude awakening it was for her. After a few months, she was seriously questioning her life's desire.