Estranged families

[Toots]

When people are getting to know you and they start asking about your family especially if you have moved to a different place from where you grew up, is it better to be honest about why you have no contact with your family or to downplay it and not dwell too much on it? I feel uncomfortable telling people about my childhood and why I choose not to have anything to do with my family anymore and I also have no patience for adults who wallow in how awful things were for them as a kid and yet it leaves so many unanswered questions if you don't explain those things. What is the best way to deal with this? How much if anything should you say? These are friends not people in a professional context where those kinds of discussions would be inappropriate. These are people who care and are asking out of interest because I just don't speak about my family.

[darkmoon]

if you have bad memories you want to forget or feel that the listener/s are not on your side - stop telling them

 

a bad childhood in my case has made it real hard to stand up for myself (better now) so the last thing you need is a lack of support when sharing your business

 

ppl want the happy-ever-after stuff, seen it over and over

[setsenia]

Been in your shoes. My relatives were always asking how my H's mom was doing when she had cancer. In fact, my MIL has never made much of an effort to be a part of my husband's life, even though she and his stepfather only live a few miles away. My dad purposely asks him about his mom whenever I go to the restroom and leave them alone, it seems. My dad is narcissistic and has ADHD, so he doesn't get the point to back off when he says they just don't have much contact and aren't close. It's been difficult for us to figure out what to say. Normal families are always shocked when some parents don't speak to their kids and wonder why. And it just makes you feel even worse. I told my H he could just simply say to people that ask that his mom has never been very involved in his life and his dad raised him before he passed away.

 

In your case, you could simply say you just aren't close with them. Try not to let the emotion get to you and say it casually as if you're indifferent about it. Then move to another subject. That seems to work.

Edited April 4, 2012 by setsenia

[Eve]

When people are getting to know you and they start asking about your family especially if you have moved to a different place from where you grew up, is it better to be honest about why you have no contact with your family or to downplay it and not dwell too much on it? I feel uncomfortable telling people about my childhood and why I choose not to have anything to do with my family anymore and I also have no patience for adults who wallow in how awful things were for them as a kid and yet it leaves so many unanswered questions if you don't explain those things. What is the best way to deal with this? How much if anything should you say? These are friends not people in a professional context where those kinds of discussions would be inappropriate. These are people who care and are asking out of interest because I just don't speak about my family.

 

It depends.

 

1. Is it necessary to tell? Much trouble can be avoided by simply weighing up whether it is essential to tell anything. But if they are trustworthy, I say share stuff. If you find it difficult to share information also state this. Just be yourself!

 

2. Work out if the other person is looking for someone to fix. Can't tell you the amount of people who bring things on themselves by connecting primarily on the level of emotional damage. So, basically those who are estranged need to make EXTRA sure not to get sucked into other people wanting to play Nurse to their past problems. These types can often have even more problems!!!

 

All in all, I have found that there are direct links between how a person views their mother (especially) and subsequently how they treat others - especially true of men. So basically, whatever you do OP don't think you are the one automatically at disadvantage. Keep your chin up and assess each person on their own merits.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[setsenia]

It depends.

 

1. Is it necessary to tell? Much trouble can be avoided by simply weighing up whether it is essential to tell anything. But if they are trustworthy, I say share stuff. If you find it difficult to share information also state this. Just be yourself!

 

 

It's definitely not necessary to tell, but I've found in the past that if I said "I don't want to talk about it" it makes the other person want to know even more. I think that's why keeping it casual and just saying "you're not a close knit family" avoids opening up any can of worms and questions.

[turnera]

Just say "I had a dysfunctional family and I rescued myself from them by moving away."

[setsenia]

Just say "I had a dysfunctional family and I rescued myself from them by moving away."

 

This is exactly why we're thinking of moving in the long run. Most of the relatives who live nearby are the toxic ones. That and it's crazy expensive to live here.

[FitChick]

I don't see why anyone should put up with bad treatment from somebody just because of an accident of birth.

[turnera]

This is exactly why we're thinking of moving in the long run. Most of the relatives who live nearby are the toxic ones. That and it's crazy expensive to live here.

Move to Houston. We have tons and tons of job openings, it almost never snows, and you can get a 4500-sq-ft house for $300,000.

[Eve]

It's definitely not necessary to tell, but I've found in the past that if I said "I don't want to talk about it" it makes the other person want to know even more. I think that's why keeping it casual and just saying "you're not a close knit family" avoids opening up any can of worms and questions.

 

In all honesty I have been highly protective of my past and lean towards what Darkmoon said because I don't trust many people. TBH, I have not even told my Husband half the things which happened to me/my family. I understand though that some people want to share stuff from their past.

 

Not me.

 

I decided to cease speaking about it all in a direct manner (unless I had a bad phase and needed to see a Counsellor) and so I tried to let it die at age 25. Mainly this meant that I would take a different type of interest in those who wanted to know more about my past. I suppose by that age I had noticed that people can be highly manipulative once they think they know something about you. Also it is possible to sour a relationship by telling seriously dyfunctional stuff.

 

Curiously I wanted to find a way beyond what happened in my family and so letting things die worked for me... but I get what you are saying.

 

What Darkmoon said -

 

if you have bad memories you want to forget or feel that the listener/s are not on your side - stop telling them

 

a bad childhood in my case has made it real hard to stand up for myself (better now) so the last thing you need is a lack of support when sharing your business

 

ppl want the happy-ever-after stuff, seen it over and over

 

Take care,

Eve x

[setsenia]

Good point, Eve.

 

I almost NEVER talk about my childhood. Honestly don't even need to. It's not even painful, but I don't see the need because it was so long ago and it's not who I am anymore. My life is 100% different now. I haven't even told some of my closest friends of 7-10 years all of it, because I never felt it was necessary. My dad, however, LOVES to bring up my past to women he barely knows. I told him he needs to stop thinking about the past and telling everyone. It's not necessary. I don't even speak of it to my closest friends and relatives. But every time my dad sees me he has to say "remember when your mom abandoned you?" or "remember when you stole money from girl scouts, remember when you threw a rock through the window?" Really?!! He is so stuck in the past. I honestly prefer to move forward with my life, not backwards like him.

[Eve]

Good point, Eve.

 

I almost NEVER talk about my childhood. Honestly don't even need to. It's not even painful, but I don't see the need because it was so long ago and it's not who I am anymore. My life is 100% different now. I haven't even told some of my closest friends of 7-10 years all of it, because I never felt it was necessary. My dad, however, LOVES to bring up my past to women he barely knows. I told him he needs to stop thinking about the past and telling everyone. It's not necessary. I don't even speak of it to my closest friends and relatives. But every time my dad sees me he has to say "remember when your mom abandoned you?" or "remember when you stole money from girl scouts, remember when you threw a rock through the window?" Really?!! He is so stuck in the past. I honestly prefer to move forward with my life, not backwards like him.

 

 

It's not easy to make a new start.

 

I don't know what's up with your Dad. I have had a pretty traumatic time with my youngest but we mainly laugh about those times now. Now she was bad..

 

Can't your dad laugh about it all?

 

That's not good. Laughter is there for a reason. Maybe you have to lead on this one? Don't know. Some people are dicks - this is the conclusion I have come to.

 

Anyhow, glad that you are ok. I am ok but can still have times where I hurt. My Hubby knows to leave me be when I am like that..

 

Families eh?

 

Take care,

Eve x

[setsenia]

Oh he laughs, but he just can't get his head out of the past. He really doesn't need to explain my personal history to people who are practically strangers when I don't even discuss it with close relatives or friends. He does think I've come along pretty far, but I don't always need a reminder of this and that every time I see him. It's not necessary to focus on the past THAT much. LOL! But he's like that with everything. All he can ever think about were wrongs done to him in the past.

[Eve]

Oh he laughs, but he just can't get his head out of the past. He really doesn't need to explain my personal history to people who are practically strangers when I don't even discuss it with close relatives or friends. He does think I've come along pretty far, but I don't always need a reminder of this and that every time I see him. It's not necessary to focus on the past THAT much. LOL! But he's like that with everything. All he can ever think about were wrongs done to him in the past.

 

Setsenia - All I can advise is that you find the strength to do the opposite of anything harmful at times when your Dad is being as such, so as to end the cycle. Just tell him, 'I am done with that now, dad'.. and smile. Like, from the heart.

 

Parents are maddening. I know I drove my daughter crazy because it took me a while to believe she was changing. We could have become estranged because of this.

 

I don't think there are any magical answers. All and all, for my daughter and I it was a case of her acknowledging what had disappointed me in her behaviour and me acknowledging that she needed me to move past it and trust her again.

 

It all comes down to compromise. Those who compromise win the race. Those who don't become estranged. Choose wisely wherever it is possible to choose.

 

We are fine now and the mad thing is, we are SO alike!

 

Anyhow, Happy Easter and God Bless you all. Keep it real.

 

All the very best,

Take care,

Eve x

Edited April 7, 2012 by Eve

[Toots]

Oh he laughs, but he just can't get his head out of the past. He really doesn't need to explain my personal history to people who are practically strangers when I don't even discuss it with close relatives or friends. He does think I've come along pretty far, but I don't always need a reminder of this and that every time I see him. It's not necessary to focus on the past THAT much. LOL! But he's like that with everything. All he can ever think about were wrongs done to him in the past.

 

Have you asked him not to do this?

[Toots]

It's definitely not necessary to tell, but I've found in the past that if I said "I don't want to talk about it" it makes the other person want to know even more. I think that's why keeping it casual and just saying "you're not a close knit family" avoids opening up any can of worms and questions.

 

I've had people say, "you don't have to speak about it if you don't want", but you can just hear by their tone that that wouldn't be the end of that!

[Toots]

2. Work out if the other person is looking for someone to fix. Can't tell you the amount of people who bring things on themselves by connecting primarily on the level of emotional damage. So, basically those who are estranged need to make EXTRA sure not to get sucked into other people wanting to play Nurse to their past problems. These types can often have even more problems!!!

 

I hadn't considered this but it makes a lot of sense.

[darkmoon]

tbh nobody talks much about their childhood anyway, not once you get past your twenties and by the time you're fourtyfifty, discussing at all is odd no longer part of who you are, but just a sentence-full of a few memories young it can hurt but at least here on LS we can all talk to you with sympathy on our minds i was abused so i really am on OP's side

 

plenty older women play mom thinking it's nice of them but they just get bossy, for me my boyf ws my rock/happy family because there are times being solo is tough

Edited April 10, 2012 by darkmoon

[writergal]

When people are getting to know you and they start asking about your family especially if you have moved to a different place from where you grew up, is it better to be honest about why you have no contact with your family or to downplay it and not dwell too much on it? I feel uncomfortable telling people about my childhood and why I choose not to have anything to do with my family anymore and I also have no patience for adults who wallow in how awful things were for them as a kid and yet it leaves so many unanswered questions if you don't explain those things. What is the best way to deal with this? How much if anything should you say? These are friends not people in a professional context where those kinds of discussions would be inappropriate. These are people who care and are asking out of interest because I just don't speak about my family.

 

Your personal life is your business and no one else's...even your significant other or closest friends need not be privy to that information. If you feel uncomfortable discussing your childhood and reasons why you are estranged from your family then don't bring it up with anyone.

 

Since my estrangement from my brother, none of my friends except one knows and that's only because I trust her to keep that information private. Otherwise I prefer not to discuss my family dynamics with anyone at all because it's nobody's business but mine. If the subject of family comes up in conversation I just stay mum about mine. And if my silence gives people the impression that I'm completely boring, that's fine with me I guess. I certainly will never discuss my family in any professional career setting. Yikes that would be bad.

[ponsettia]

I do talk about it, I can tell from the reactions of the other person whether or not they're the sort of person I want in my life. Doesn't always work, but each 'fail' gives me more information as to what to look out for. F'rinstance I met a woman socially and in due course had to explain to her about my mother and her dysfunctional behaviour... she seemed sympathetic as she too had a mother who was a domineering battleaxe. However she was looking for someone 'weaker' than her whom she could manipulate - for a while she had me fooled, but after a while I recognised that she was being overly demanding and expecting me to be there for her, without reciprocating.

 

I tend to avoid people who hear my story and scoff, IME they spend all their time using your story as a stick to beat you with.

 

I do have some very good friends who have accepted me and my story without judging me. They get the idea that I have 'issues' with certain situations and help me get passed them.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Just say "I had a dysfunctional family and I rescued myself from them by moving away."

 

Well, that is basically what I want to say every time someone starts poking. And some people can be very tenacious at it.

 

I just say that we are not close and pray that they leave it at that.

When I was younger I told people more easily how bad things had been and were. And it always ended with me being in a defensive position as the adepts of rosy stories started to suggest that "I should try to talk to my mother". Which made me furious as I had tried to talk to her a lot and had been beyond talking for a long time.

 

Some people cannot imagine that some parents are very bad towards their children. And that's why I can't simply tell them that my mother was verbally, psychologically and physically abusive towards me and that my father neglected me and my other siblings. All he was ever interested in are his own brothers and sisters and their kids. He does not give a damn about his own kids. It was always like that and it will always be like that. On top of that he is a liar and manipulative.

My mother died some years ago and it was a relief that she died. Even though I left home when I was 20 I was still afraid of her. Also I could not help but hope that one day she would love me. That hope is now gone which gives me peace.

Now I am waiting for the day my father will die because that day I will finally have access to his money. Will probably take another 20 years at least coz he is superhealthy. Thanks god I don't need his money but it sure will help me live even more comfortably than I already do.

 

Because of the unhealthy family situation, my siblings and I are estranged from each other. I was the one who always spoke up, the renegade so I took most of the beatings and the siblings liked it that way. One brother in law suggests from time to time that I should start giving money to his kids, won't happen and will never happen.

 

So that's my family for you. The only good thing they ever did, was produce a human being like me. After having living longer by myself than with them, I have become so different from them that - apart from the physical resemblance which reminds me of the blood ties - I see them as total strangers. They are people I could never be friends with.

 

But you see how quickly I come up with a long story only by seeing a topic like this. So that's another reason why I prefer to stick to "We are not close."