Do I still love my wife?

[zimo007]

Hi everybody.

I'm 34 years old, Egyptian, married from German young lady 30 years old and we live together in Germany.

I’m high educated, acceptable looking young man as well as my wife! She as educated, and nice looking as me,

We got to know each other since 10 years, and we are married since 8 years now, we have a small daughter she is 3 years old.

My problem is that my wife is cold like a solider! No matter what I’m doing or trying!

If I’m trying to come closer to her, touch her, kiss her all this are always translated into that I’m either annoying her, or trying to sleep with her..!

Our sexual life is as bad as our marriage; we hit a new record, almost 4 months without any sexual activity!

 

Before we get our daughter, she was always wondering (why we have not managed to get a child yet?).. I was telling her in order to get a child she needs to sleep with me, the child will not come from us looking at each other’s eyes!

Actually I’m living many problems, and I believe the only thing which keeps us together is my daughter.

We fought for each other.. my family was against this marriage due to the cultural differences between both sides as well as my wife, it could be even harder for her coz of the typical idea given by the media about Arabs in general that they are terrorists and blood suckers etc.. we went through all this till we got married..

When I moved to Germany she insisted to live at her parents big house.. And to be honest they helped me a lot learning the language integrating in the society etc..

I’m not denying the favor of my parents-in-low or so! I just believe that life goes on, a plant turn into a tree, and tree to need find better bigger place in order to keep growing up and have its chance to make seeds which could be a start for coming plant.

We are living in 700 years old house!! Plz don’t think that I’m living in citadel or so, it normal rural house which needs a lot of work to be restored.. so far we don’t and didn’t manage to have our own private life. My wife mainly is at my parents-in-low side, and if she is coming over to me, she is either staying for 5 Min. like I’m here you see.. or she is preparing our daughter to go and sleep.

As I said my wife insisted to stay in her parent’s house where she was born! there is enough space to everybody. I accepted this and we started to build our own flat.. my wife does not believe in team work, she wants to do everything alone in order to avoid any potential fights which could accrue due to thinking in different way, for example: like if putting the tools she is using in a place where she is not expecting it to be in or if I fixed something which is not up to her plane! So she is doing everything alone, everybody knows this also my parents-in-low! (the only one who managed to tolerate her mode was her mum, and she is helping her every now and then).

I’ve been financing this building matter since almost 3 years all my money is gone in this house.. I tried to tell my wife many times.. that I don’t feel safe.. the house is her parents house and they keep saying the house will just go to my wife. Yes she is the one who is building and restoring, but where is me.. I mean I accepted to stay in this house upon my wife request however I rather to have my own family house (my wife, me, and my daughter).. and the result I’m not even involved by owning part of this house. I’m still financing!

No privacy life at all: I feel I can’t grow up my daughter the way I wants, my parents in low are involving themselves and they are finding themselves always a place to change or share my directions to my daughter.

My wife is concentrating in building her parents’ house.. no time for me.. no one single kiss or touch which could accidently happen.

Sexually.. I’ve a miserable sexual life, it has been almost 4 moths now since we had sex.. Since we got married I’ve never felt being satisfied.. it has been always like: this she is either studying, building, tired, asleep, sick and in between she gets her period.

I’m totally depressed I don’t know what to do, I told her all this many times.. and complaining all the time makes no fun.

 

Do I still love her? Question which I’ve no answer for it, I’m not sure any more! I love my daughter, and I feel bad for her to live her childhood away of me.

In the end I know that this is one side story, but I still need to hear other opinions and recommends! Can you help me?

Edited April 5, 2012 by zimo007

[january2011]

You're in a culture and country that is foreign to you. It might or might not boil down to a clash of cultures.

 

You don't mention what support network/family you have to count on. Everything appears to be controlled by your wife and in-laws.

 

If your wife's behaviour has always been like this in terms of her lack of affection, it boggles the mind that you married her, knowing that she is like this. My guess is that you hoped she'd change. Unfortunately, you found out the hard way that she didn't/wouldn't.

 

With regard to the house, I think you need to talk to her and say that if you are financing this, you need to have input on it. If she's not willing to do it, then you're going to have to put your foot down and suggest that her in-laws finance it because you are not comfortable living in a house that you don't have input in building.

 

I would also do some research and look at the legal aspects of your situation. For example, if you divorced, what would your rights be. Also look into marriage counselling. Broach the subject with your wife and tell her that you're not happy with the living situation and that you feel that you are growing apart. Get her take on the situation. Open a line of communication.

 

You're only going to get through this and save your marriage if you work together. These things don't usually get better overnight. There's no quick fix. It requires a commitment from both partners to support each other and the marriage every day.

 

As to the question about whether you still love your wife, only you can answer that one.