Sorry, but it's doesn't really get any better.

[Logik]

Almost 3 years out. I could say I'm better off without her. I could say that my life has become awesome. I could say that I'm happy to be by myself. But that would all be bullish*t. It's doesn't really get any better, you just forget. Time passes and it feels like it's getting easier, but it doesn't. You'll continually be reminded somehow about how much your life sucks. It'll keep slapping you in the face for the rest of your life. The one who leaves will always win. The one who is left behind will always suffer. That's the bottom line. Healing? What's that? Some scars will always be painful to the touch.

 

Sorry about revealing the blatant truth...

[TaraMaiden]

try this and see for yourself, that you're not necessarily correct...

[tojaz]

Almost 3 years out. I could say I'm better off without her. I could say that my life has become awesome. I could say that I'm happy to be by myself. But that would all be bullish*t. It's doesn't really get any better, you just forget. Time passes and it feels like it's getting easier, but it doesn't. You'll continually be reminded somehow about how much your life sucks. It'll keep slapping you in the face for the rest of your life. The one who leaves will always win. The one who is left behind will always suffer. That's the bottom line. Healing? What's that? Some scars will always be painful to the touch.

 

Sorry about revealing the blatant truth...

 

Its not about winning or losing Logik, its about surviving!

Things are always going to be tender to the touch, how could they not. You made a decision to spend the rest of your life with someone and they changed their mind, thats not something that we just heal up and move on from.

 

The one who leaves is quite rarely as well off as they seem, their the ones that have to justify what they have done so they have to continually put the vibe out that they "won" the break up, but nobody really does.

 

You are healing Logik, but it takes time, and unfortunately it takes pain and sadness as well........ you'll get there.

 

TOJAZ

[marqueemoon4]

file "it gets better" along with all the other empty, hackneyed cliches such as:

 

everything happens for a reason

life is what you make of it

GIGS (nonsense)

 

 

etc etc. I'm almost 2yrs out, and life sucks more and more each day. I feel I am powerless to stop it. All because I procreated with and married the WRONG person.

 

I feel ya dude.

[TaraMaiden]

Negative is, as negative does.

you look down at the rain falling, and you'll miss the rainbows.

 

"All of us are lying in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars"

 

Oscar Wilde.

[marqueemoon4]

Negative is, as negative does.

you look down at the rain falling, and you'll miss the rainbows.

 

"All of us are lying in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars"

 

Oscar Wilde.

 

I'm sorry thats cute and all.. there is a huge difference between being negative and realistically seeing things for what they are. If telling yourself everything is peachy gets you through the day, I'm happy for you.

[TaraMaiden]

you just don't get it, do you?

 

It all begins in your head, with the lies you tell yourself.

you start off by being hit by a thought - and then, you let it roll away from you, and it snowballs, gathering pace, gathering impressions, other thoughts and a string of negative experiences, until you are so far down the mountain you can't see 'up' any more.

the one thing a lot of people don't realise, is that whatever they pay in to, will continue growing.

attitude counts for a lot.

Now, you can look at all these glib sayings and convince yourself they don't work, but the reason people repeat them - is that actually, they do.

you're the one refusing to let them work, because you keep holding onto something that was.

And that's such a waste of your time, and energy.

because with every negative thought or phrase, you're actually keeping yourself stuck in a limbo, where everywhere you turn, is just yuk.

You're choosing to turn away from rebuilding, because, hell, yeah, it takes effort.

you have to change the way you think, and the way you view things.

but it works, and it's worth it.

 

so please don't be so dismissive of what i practice.

because i practice what i preach.

Life isn't rosy, peachy and as absolutely wonderful as a bed of roses.

I just choose to understand that "out there" doesn't need to live and find shelter "in here".

Life is life, life is what I make it.

and id you were to just drip the bitter pill for a second, you'd see it's a choice.

everything, is a choice.

it's a choice whether you think what liberates you, or you think what always keeps you stuck.

[marqueemoon4]

I'm not being dismissive of what you believe. As stated, if it works for you thats great. And honestly, don't be so sure you're so enlightened and I'm not. Thats probably not true either.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, i am far from enlightened, good grief.

But I know - definitely know - from personal experience - that it's all about a mental attitude.

everything that goes on behind your eyes, is far greater than anything that happens in front of them.

 

i have led people through a mental visualisation exercise, that merely by suggestion, had them tasting lemons to the point that they began to salivate - without a single lemon in sight.

 

The power of positive suggestion is remarkable and strong.

but if you tell yourself enough times that it won't work - just as if enough people mistakenly tell 'you' you're stupid - after a while, it becomes the truth.

 

even though it's patently not.

 

so you can keep telling me - and yourself - that it won't work for you.

But i have seen drug addicts and people with suicidal tendencies turn their lives around by changing their mind-sets.

And i know, for a damn, solid real and indisputable fact - it works.

[marqueemoon4]

I want to believe, more than you can possibly know. But yes, after being kicked in the nuts on a daily basis for almost 2yrs, I have little tangible evidence that things will change, regardless of what I do. Believe me, I don't want to feel this way.

 

I agree though.. a positive attitude is a good thing. Sorry for the threadjack OP. You're a good person TaraMaiden. I wish I had more people like you in my life. Keep fighting the good fight.

[shayla]

Reality is only what you make it. The biggest war you have is in your own mind. You can take what you have and make the best of it, or you can take what you have and make the worst of it.

 

I left a horribly abusive marriage 17 years ago. Before I could file for divorce, my ex husband broke into my house and beat me nearly to death. I suffered a head injury, and could not take care of myself or my 5 month old baby. I had to learn things again. I had a bald head with staples going from top to bottom. People gasped when they saw me out in public. I had seizures, I lost my job. I lost my friends, my family would have nothing to do with me. I lost everything.

 

I could have stopped living then, because my life was pretty much over, that was my reality.

 

My reality now? I divorced him, he went to prison. I fought for my life and I got it back. I met and fell in love with someone else, unbelievable after what I had been through. Even though he was not the one for me, I still knew that there was someone else for me. And I am now in a great relationship.

 

The only thing I had back then was the determination to make it. And the refusal to let anything that man did to me stop me from living the way I wanted to live.

[marqueemoon4]

I absolutely admire your strength Shayla. You're a survivor.. and an inspiration!

[TaraMaiden]

I want to believe, more than you can possibly know. But yes, after being kicked in the nuts on a daily basis for almost 2yrs, I have little tangible evidence that things will change, regardless of what I do. Believe me, I don't want to feel this way.

good.

Then, observe your nuts. See and realise that in spite of the kicking they took, they're still there, and they still function.

you're a man with some balls. don't let one knock~down keep you flat on your back.

I don't know what little tangible evidence you need, but i - and many others on this forum - are the evidence you need to demonstrate that perhaps, there is a corner, and perhaps you can turn it. And it IS down to what you do.

because the walk towards progress and well-being isn't easy, and is a challenge - but it is definitely within your grasp, it is attainable, and you do damn well deserve it.

 

I agree though.. a positive attitude is a good thing. Sorry for the threadjack OP. You're a good person TaraMaiden. I wish I had more people like you in my life. Keep fighting the good fight.

I wouldn't keep slappin' you upside the head, if I for one moment didn't think you were worth it.

you ARE so, worth it.

And the same goes for the OP as it happens.

Because while you draw breath, and while you live and see, you are worth every scrap of effort on my part - and yours - to keep you taking one step at a time.

And i would be failing if i didn't at least try to help you see, how very precious every moment you are alive, is.

[Steen719]

Reality is only what you make it. The biggest war you have is in your own mind. You can take what you have and make the best of it, or you can take what you have and make the worst of it.

 

I left a horribly abusive marriage 17 years ago. Before I could file for divorce, my ex husband broke into my house and beat me nearly to death. I suffered a head injury, and could not take care of myself or my 5 month old baby. I had to learn things again. I had a bald head with staples going from top to bottom. People gasped when they saw me out in public. I had seizures, I lost my job. I lost my friends, my family would have nothing to do with me. I lost everything.

 

I could have stopped living then, because my life was pretty much over, that was my reality.

 

My reality now? I divorced him, he went to prison. I fought for my life and I got it back. I met and fell in love with someone else, unbelievable after what I had been through. Even though he was not the one for me, I still knew that there was someone else for me. And I am now in a great relationship.

 

The only thing I had back then was the determination to make it. And the refusal to let anything that man did to me stop me from living the way I wanted to live.

 

If that isn't striving to make your life better than nothing is! You are a strong woman. Inspiration for others.

[trippi1432]

I agree with the other's here that Shayla has presented an accounting of surviving. We are survivors and some of us have developed strength because we took our power back and realized that we did not cause this wholly to ourselves, nor can we control what other people do to hurt us. My heart goes out to you Shayla for having to endure that to begin with and kudos for being able to move past it to find the happiness in life you deserve.

 

However, there are those that glorify their ex's, internalize the guilt and find it hard to see the side of surviving. I did it with my first exH as we split up over his infidelities many times....I put him on a pedestal and only wanted him in my life. But there does come a time when you realize that the person you are with is just who they are...and it's up to you to decide if that is how you want to live your life, knowing that your life with them will bring you continuous pain. Sometimes we have to do that with the memories as well, be thankful for the good ones and remember that the bad memories are not reflective of how things will always be for you.

 

And Tara!! You are awesome!!

[TaraMaiden]

i was about to 'like' your post, but I son't want to imply that i agree i'm awesome....

 

i'm just a gal who lives by what she believes.

As my signature implies, it's about walking the talk.....

 

thank you so much.....

[Logik]

try this and see for yourself, that you're not necessarily correct...

 

Been there, done that, bought the tshirt. It only helps to disguise the sadness.

[shayla]

Thank you for your posts to me, I want for people to know that there is life after even the worst circumstances. Great life if you want it.

[TaraMaiden]

they you bought the wrong merchandise.

I know how you feel - i went through dark, dismal depressing and demoralised days, when i couldn't even face getting my head off the pillow....

and it was a gradual realisation....

 

"A bad workman always blames the tools"....

 

It was the fault, the responsibility of everything else, not me.

of course I had been trying - but it wasn't working.

turns out, i was wrong.

[Owl]

Logik..couple of questions for you.

 

What are you actively DOING to try to make it better? Are you actively working to make it better, or are you just hoping that someday it'll get better on it's own?

 

Do you truly WANT it to get better? Do you WANT to move on, heal in your life, or are you really still holding onto the past hoping it'll return? It's an honest question, and one intended to get you to truly stop and think about the answer, rather than just respond defensively. (No insult intended).

 

If you want things to change (get better), you need to MAKE them change.

[Logik]

Logik..couple of questions for you.

 

What are you actively DOING to try to make it better? Are you actively working to make it better, or are you just hoping that someday it'll get better on it's own?

 

Do you truly WANT it to get better? Do you WANT to move on, heal in your life, or are you really still holding onto the past hoping it'll return? It's an honest question, and one intended to get you to truly stop and think about the answer, rather than just respond defensively. (No insult intended).

 

If you want things to change (get better), you need to MAKE them change.

 

Fair enough question. I don't hope for my past to return at all. The damage is done. I don't pine for her. I don't sit crying all day.

 

I've dated women. I've moved on. But to what? It'll always be broken. I'll see my kids growing up in fortnightly weekend doses.

 

What's the point? Really. How is it gonna improve? Meet someone else? What's that gonna help? We can sit and discuss positive outlooks til the end of time, but it doesn't change the fact that trusting someone else as much as you do in a marriage is ridiculous. People do what they want. Consequences don't exist to some.

 

The point comes where you give up trying to improve things because you just end up going nowhere. I've 180'd. I've positive outlooked. I've opened up to change and guess what? It's all still sh*t. 2 steps forward, 2 steps backward.

[TaraMaiden]

2 steps forward, 2 steps backward.

 

Precisely.

which means you stay stuck exactly where you are, because you're not prepared to keep on keeping on.

 

Whether you believe you can, or whether you believe you can't - you're right.

[Owl]

Fair enough question. I don't hope for my past to return at all. The damage is done. I don't pine for her. I don't sit crying all day.

 

I've dated women. I've moved on. But to what? It'll always be broken. I'll see my kids growing up in fortnightly weekend doses.

 

What's the point? Really. How is it gonna improve? Meet someone else? What's that gonna help? We can sit and discuss positive outlooks til the end of time, but it doesn't change the fact that trusting someone else as much as you do in a marriage is ridiculous. People do what they want. Consequences don't exist to some.

 

The point comes where you give up trying to improve things because you just end up going nowhere. I've 180'd. I've positive outlooked. I've opened up to change and guess what? It's all still sh*t. 2 steps forward, 2 steps backward.

 

So...how is your life any "different" now than it was when you were still married to her? How is it "less"?

 

What, SPECIFICALLY, needs to improve?

 

You seem unhappy, but I don't see you giving specifics about what it is you're unhappy with.

 

Have you identified specifically what it is that you're not happy with? What needs to change to make you happier? What it is that's making you unhappy/dissatisfied with your life right now?

 

I ask, because I don't see it clearly spelled out in your thread so far. And knowing that is the first true step in addressing it.

[january2011]

I'm hoping that you posted in a moment of madness because you need to vent and this is just the valley before the upturn.

 

I can't possibly believe that you feel like this every single hour of every day.

 

So, right now, you think your life is rubbish. And you don't see the positive in having two wonderful children that (hopefully) you don't regret bringing into the world. But you have a choice to make it better. You also have a choice to wallow. It is not imposed on you. Even if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you're heading somewhere, right? Not standing still. Getting further away from your past with all its hurts and dramas. Every day is a new day and you get a fresh start to change your life for the better. If some part of you didn't believe that, you wouldn't still be here, holding on.

[soserious1]

you just don't get it, do you?

 

It all begins in your head, with the lies you tell yourself.

you start off by being hit by a thought - and then, you let it roll away from you, and it snowballs, gathering pace, gathering impressions, other thoughts and a string of negative experiences, until you are so far down the mountain you can't see 'up' any more.

the one thing a lot of people don't realise, is that whatever they pay in to, will continue growing.

attitude counts for a lot.

Now, you can look at all these glib sayings and convince yourself they don't work, but the reason people repeat them - is that actually, they do.

you're the one refusing to let them work, because you keep holding onto something that was.

And that's such a waste of your time, and energy.

because with every negative thought or phrase, you're actually keeping yourself stuck in a limbo, where everywhere you turn, is just yuk.

You're choosing to turn away from rebuilding, because, hell, yeah, it takes effort.

you have to change the way you think, and the way you view things.

but it works, and it's worth it.

 

so please don't be so dismissive of what i practice.

because i practice what i preach.

Life isn't rosy, peachy and as absolutely wonderful as a bed of roses.

I just choose to understand that "out there" doesn't need to live and find shelter "in here".

Life is life, life is what I make it.

and id you were to just drip the bitter pill for a second, you'd see it's a choice.

everything, is a choice.

it's a choice whether you think what liberates you, or you think what always keeps you stuck.

 

Unfortunately I cannot 'liberate" myself from the daily reminder that I was & will continue to be the "LOSER" in all of this. I have to get up every day & trot off to work in order to make alimony payments. Each morning I get to think about how many days this month I'm basically working for NOTHING because I have to send my ex $2,750 or risk being put in jail.

 

I pay or I go to jail, no "liberation" possible.