Sorry, but it's doesn't really get any better.

[soserious1]

I'm hoping that you posted in a moment of madness because you need to vent and this is just the valley before the upturn.

 

I can't possibly believe that you feel like this every single hour of every day.

 

So, right now, you think your life is rubbish. And you don't see the positive in having two wonderful children that (hopefully) you don't regret bringing into the world. But you have a choice to make it better. You also have a choice to wallow. It is not imposed on you. Even if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you're heading somewhere, right? Not standing still. Getting further away from your past with all its hurts and dramas. Every day is a new day and you get a fresh start to change your life for the better. If some part of you didn't believe that, you wouldn't still be here, holding on.

 

I totally understand how the OP feels, I sometimes think about refusing to pay the court ordered alimony, of just saying screw it, let them sell everything I own & drag me to jail.

 

 

There are winners & losers in divorce, people coming in here & mouthing platitudes at those of us who accurately recognize our status isn't helpful.

 

 

Oh & I would most assuredly decide it was better to "not be here" but the judge court ordered that I purchase life insurance, if I die the ex gets a hefty lump sum payout, he'd be dancing on my grave, can't have that.

[Steen719]

Unfortunately I cannot 'liberate" myself from the daily reminder that I was & will continue to be the "LOSER" in all of this. I have to get up every day & trot off to work in order to make alimony payments. Each morning I get to think about how many days this month I'm basically working for NOTHING because I have to send my ex $2,750 or risk being put in jail.

 

I pay or I go to jail, no "liberation" possible.

 

Can't say I blame you for feeling that way. UGH

[Steen719]

Oh & I would most assuredly decide it was better to "not be here" but the judge court ordered that I purchase life insurance, if I die the ex gets a hefty lump sum payout, he'd be dancing on my grave, can't have that.

 

I had no idea that a judge could make you purchase life insurance and make an ex your beneficiary. That just is crazy to me. So, even in death, you are required to take care of him? I don't know...shaking my head on that one.

[soserious1]

I had no idea that a judge could make you purchase life insurance and make an ex your beneficiary. That just is crazy to me. So, even in death, you are required to take care of him? I don't know...shaking my head on that one.

 

Can't risk having the man become a public charge & a burden on the taxpayers!

[Steadfast]

For those feeling down and defending their hopeless position there is little hope. We can say child support and alimony don't last forever, but in the case of the child support, wouldn't you be paying to support anyway? Believe me, the real challenge of parenting comes later in life.

 

In the case of 'soserious', that amount of money would warrant seeking council for adjustment. Three-gee$ a month will get you OJ's lawyer.

 

One of the very, very best 'healing tools' I discovered wasn't really a tool at all...it was the realization that I was a tool. Too much pride...too used to getting my own way. I worked hard for it, but in someways I think my ex decided that no matter what, I wasn't going to win this round. If saving our marriage and working it out makes me a winner, then I certainly am not.

 

I laugh when this comes on the radio; John Fogerty "Rattlesnake Highway"

It may look easy

When you look at me

But it took years of effort

To become the mess that you see

 

The point? When I realized and accepted I wasn't the center of the universe, God's gift to women...whatever, and stopped taking myself so seriously, that's when my passions began to return. We all have the choice to decide how to apply our own screwing over. What will it be? Sink or swim?

 

I lost everything; house, cars, etc. All gone. Everything that I had worked for my whole life. 30-years of working.

 

Screw it. She was a lousy wife (and that's the truth) and the more time that passes by, the more I realize what a huge favor she did for me. I'm smarter. Ego on life support, but I can laugh at myself. I remember thinking "Ok, she doesn't love me. She wants other guys. But...lots of people don't want me. I survive that. What's the difference one more?"

 

Humility is sexy. Intelligence is too. Not losing yourself in someone else...not needing them to provide your identity...is the key to becoming someone that I like. The hardest part is learning to live with yourself!

 

Consequences don't exist to some.

 

They exist for all, whether you're around to see it or not. But if retribution is what you seek, the lust for it will eat you alive. That's a trap. Stay away.

Edited April 6, 2012 by Steadfast

[Steen719]

Humility is sexy. Intelligence is too.

 

You betcha!

[Logik]

Ok. I do feel a bit embarrassed about this thread when I woke up this morning. I haven't had a roller coaster like that for a long time. I thought it was done. When you find yourself doing ok for a long time, thinking that it's actually all over and you get a dip like I did yesterday, you'll think that you've actually gotten nowhere. I felt as bad as I did in the beginning!

 

Well, after a good night's sleep, I find I'm back on track again. With one difference. I'm still far from being all ok. I thought I was way further than I actually am. Oh well, humility. Thanks for the replies.

 

To all those who were agreeing with me, I certainly understand how you feel. I'm sure I'll feel like that again, I still have a bit of it. What I realised is it's not an end goal to get out of the horribleness. It's a journey. Accepting that is difficult.

 

LS wins again. Thanks. Keep posting.

[TaraMaiden]

"It's a journey"......

 

Good.

Now, please understand this, and get this good:

 

There is no destination.

 

You don't 'get to' anywhere...

 

You arrive - at a stop - along the way, but the journey is never done, not until you're "done".

 

so, bearing that in mind - how much baggage do you want to voluntarily keep carrying on your shoulders, making you stoop under the sheer weight of it all?

[january2011]

Ipeople coming in here & mouthing platitudes at those of us who accurately recognize our status isn't helpful.

 

That was harsh and uncalled for. You're bitter about your situation. Many of us get that. But there's no need to be rude and attack people.

 

My post wasn't even directed at you.

[soserious1]

That was harsh and uncalled for. You're bitter about your situation. Many of us get that. But there's no need to be rude and attack people.

 

My post wasn't even directed at you.

 

I didn't "attack" you or anybody else but quite frankly aren't people allowed to have even a single thread in this place where we can express our true feelings post divorce without people coming in & labeling us as "bitter" or attempting to set us on the "correct" attitudinal course?

[TaraMaiden]

No.

People come here for help.

if you want to be bitter, go and vent, but this is all about coping:

And if you're not coping then we're trying to help you cope.

if you don't want our help - don't post.

 

now that's bitter....

[Owl]

I didn't "attack" you or anybody else but quite frankly aren't people allowed to have even a single thread in this place where we can express our true feelings post divorce without people coming in & labeling us as "bitter" or attempting to set us on the "correct" attitudinal course?

 

What's the value of posting how down and upset you are, but not wanting anyone to try to help you out of your funk????

 

If you don't want comments/advice...then why the heck would you bother posting it to begin with? What's the point?

 

Just write it down in your journal instead, where no one else will see it and feel the need to comment or help.

[soserious1]

What's the value of posting how down and upset you are, but not wanting anyone to try to help you out of your funk????

 

If you don't want comments/advice...then why the heck would you bother posting it to begin with? What's the point?

 

Just write it down in your journal instead, where no one else will see it and feel the need to comment or help.

 

oh I've gotten plenty of "advice" from people wagging their fingers at me, telling me I'm "bitter" and my favorite, "selfish" for not opening myself to the possibility of loving, trusting & letting another man move in here rent free.

 

I've tried everything I know to "help me feel better" but truth is truth, there are winners & losers in divorce. My ex now wines & dines a big breasted luscious babe, 22 years my junior on my dollar. He's the winner here.

Edited April 6, 2012 by soserious1

[soserious1]

No.

People come here for help.

if you want to be bitter, go and vent, but this is all about coping:

And if you're not coping then we're trying to help you cope.

if you don't want our help - don't post.

 

now that's bitter....

 

I'm not sure how you can "help" me Tara as I'm not interested in opening heart or my wallet to another man ever again. If I can't have pump and dump relationships, I'll settle for none at all.

[TaraMaiden]

oh I've gotten plenty of "advice" from people wagging their fingers at me, telling me I'm "bitter" and my favorite, "selfish" for not opening myself to the possibility of loving, trusting & letting another man move in here rent free.

 

I've tried everything I know to "help me feel better" but truth is truth, there are winners & losers in divorce. My ex now wines & dines a big breasted luscious babe, 22 years my junior on my dollar. He's the winner here.

so that makes her the loser....And trust me, the gloss WILL wear off....

 

you at least have the benefit of seeing her slowly mess her life up.

If he's a lot older than she is - what do you think the chances are of her sticking around long enough to become his nurse and carer?

because that's eventually what sweet young things become... no longer a wife - more a housekeeper and nurse.

[soserious1]

so that makes her the loser....And trust me, the gloss WILL wear off....

 

you at least have the benefit of seeing her slowly mess her life up.

If he's a lot older than she is - what do you think the chances are of her sticking around long enough to become his nurse and carer?

because that's eventually what sweet young things become... no longer a wife - more a housekeeper and nurse.

 

Tara, as unhappy as I am, my anger has really nothing to do with her, she's not the one who promised fidelity to me. If anything I feel kind of bad for her, after all look at what she's stuck with.

 

Seriously, the bulk of my anger is at myself, by being stupid enough to marry this man without the benefit of a pre-nup I hosed my life just as badly as I would have if I developed an opiate addiction.

 

Facts are facts, I was stupid to "open my heart" I was stupid for "sharing". Having to face the fact that I got played every day, that he didn't love me, never loved me & basically planned all along to use me as a meal ticket is a hurt I doubt I'll ever recover from.

Edited April 7, 2012 by soserious1

[Steadfast]

aren't people allowed to have even a single thread in this place where we can express our true feelings post divorce without people coming in & labeling us as "bitter" or attempting to set us on the "correct" attitudinal course?

 

Of course they are. And don't let anyone here say you can't. The posters here don't own this forum and the guy who does says he doesn't get involved in disputes. (That's a quote). Why shouldn't you be able to type or express what you want? I do. So does most everyone else.

 

The thing is...(you knew this was coming, didn't you?) you must consider your audience. Who are these people? TaraMaiden, Owl, Trippi...on and on. These people and many others take the time to advise and council (for free) because they care. You're free to do what you wish, but I'll step out on a limb here and say you, me and probably most everyone would be happier not verbally kicking them in the face for reaching out to help.

 

I have no interest in making you or anyone my personal project soserious1, but if you PM me I'll respond. Sometimes, we're better served just having someone listen. In my case, I'll only give my advice if you ask for my advice. OK? Your ex is a weak fool; as is every person who uses the promise of love as a stepping stone for personal gain. He isn't a man, and a double fool for throwing away love. Only someone who has watched 'the love of their life' wipe their a$$ with your heart will understand.

 

I promised no unwanted advice, but make none in regards to my opinion.

 

Seriously, the bulk of my anger is at myself, by being stupid enough to marry this man without the benefit of a pre-nup I hosed my life just as badly as I would have if I developed an opiate addiction.

 

Prideful woman. Angry to discover you're just as susceptible as anyone.

 

Facts are facts, I was stupid to "open my heart" I was stupid for "sharing". Having to face the fact that I got played every day, that he didn't love me, never loved me & basically planned all along to use me as a meal ticket is a hurt I doubt I'll ever recover from.

 

You were stupid. I was stupid. But, I'd rather be stupid then an angry, bitter, closed off, sad excuse for a human being with no hope and no faith. Will you punish every man you meet for his sins? Or worse, never forgive yourself for falling for his lies? You just might meet someone wonderful who will have no interest in paying his bill. I wouldn't. Hasn't he taken enough from you? Will he make off with your life, love and happiness too?

Edited April 7, 2012 by Steadfast

[soserious1]

 

 

You were stupid. I was stupid. But, I'd rather be stupid then an angry, bitter, closed off, sad excuse for a human being with no hope and no faith. Will you punish every man you meet for his sins? Or worse, never forgive yourself for falling for his lies? You just might meet someone wonderful who will have no interest in paying his bill. I wouldn't. Hasn't he taken enough from you? Will he make off with your life, love and happiness too?

 

"He" didn't "make off" with my life, I was dumb enough to give it to him & no, I won't ever love again, if I ended up losing the bits I have left, the estate ear marked for my adult children I'd never forgive myself.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Negative is, as negative does.

you look down at the rain falling, and you'll miss the rainbows.

 

"All of us are lying in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars"

 

Oscar Wilde.

 

Rain is liquid sunshine:)

[elfman]

Hey, I am sorry to hear things have not picked up for you. I am currently going through a separation with my wife of 10 years (2 kids) and I can tell you it's tough as hell. I may be wrong, but I do not see her (my wife) in any kind of mode other than "happy time", and it drives me NUTS how unbelievably cold she seems... I can relate to the one who leaves always wins right now, and holding on to hope seems so hard at the moment.

 

I "hope" in all honesty that I can be strong enough to move on, because at 34, with this pain, I wont make it far if I don't get strong FAST.

 

E.

[Logik]

Hey, I am sorry to hear things have not picked up for you. I am currently going through a separation with my wife of 10 years (2 kids) and I can tell you it's tough as hell. I may be wrong, but I do not see her (my wife) in any kind of mode other than "happy time", and it drives me NUTS how unbelievably cold she seems... I can relate to the one who leaves always wins right now, and holding on to hope seems so hard at the moment.

 

I "hope" in all honesty that I can be strong enough to move on, because at 34, with this pain, I wont make it far if I don't get strong FAST.

 

E.

 

Hey elfman. This thread was started by my alter-self. He's rarely around any more. He used to dominate at one stage, just like you're feeling now. We're round-about the same age. Sorry if this thread took any hope away or made it worse for you. It wasn't my intention to put any damper on anybody who's going through a "fresh" bad time, for lack of a better word.

 

Take heart in the fact the alter-me has been dormant for over 6 months. The rollercoaster flattens out emmensly and only goes up and down VERY rerely. When it did go up and down the other day, it lasted only a few hours, not weeks and months. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Very cliche, but true. Just hang in there… it'll get better. I promise. Just be patient and give yourself time.

[Logik]

"He" didn't "make off" with my life, I was dumb enough to give it to him & no, I won't ever love again, if I ended up losing the bits I have left, the estate ear marked for my adult children I'd never forgive myself.

 

soserious1, wow. I can relate 100%. I still hold some of that feeling inside. That is what led to me feeling terrible and starting this thread. It isn't the best answer, not for yourself. I'm not preaching to you here, if I was, I would be a hypocrit. The thing is, at this stage I do realise that staying angry and blaming myself doesn't help at all. I'm trying to work through that now…

 

As for never meeting someone again. I also know exactly how you feel in that department. I was the most stubborn person in that regard. It's very cliche, but if and when THAT person comes into your life, you'll have to work VERY hard to suppress what you feel. Trust me. I had it happen to me. From left field, out of nowhere…

 

Just like I did, you have to feel what you're feeling now. Don't let anybody tell you that you're wrong. Everyone copes in their own way. You'll be ok. Patience

[TaraMaiden]

The problem is, if the techniques didn't work - they wouldn't work for anyone.

 

the fact that there are many extremely positive, happy, contented and settled people on this forum, who have had some extremely traumatic and at times despicable and horrendous experiences, is testimony to the fact that first of all, everyone is different, and has different perceptions and ways of evaluating matters, but that in spite of being different - many different people have turned their lives around, by altering their mind-set and changing their perspectives.

 

a person's perspective is what tarnishes the progress.

 

it's not about 'what happened'.

it truly never is, honestly.

It can't be.

 

Because so many people, have been through so many things, it cannot be about what they went through.

the only thing that can change a person's own perception - is how they decide to see things, and evaluate them within their minds.

And if you decide that what someone did to you, is going to affect your PoV about other subsequent relationships and experiences - then that past person has won, and you've given your power of perception away.

 

You've lost more than they seemingly and evidently 'took'.

They've also taken part of you - and you've let them.

 

And what many people fail to really believe, is that you can get it back.

 

if you really want proof, here it is.

http://www.freetibet.org/campaigns/palden-gyatso

Edited April 7, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[shayla]

The problem is, if the techniques didn't work - they wouldn't work for anyone.

 

the fact that there are many extremely positive, happy, contented and settled people on this forum, who have had some extremely traumatic and at times despicable and horrendous experiences, is testimony to the fact that first of all, everyone is different, and has different perceptions and ways of evaluating matters, but that in spite of being different - many different people have turned their lives around, by altering their mind-set and changing their perspectives.

 

a person's perspective is what tarnishes the progress.

 

it's not about 'what happened'.

it truly never is, honestly.

It can't be.

 

Because so many people, have been through so many things, it cannot be about what they went through.

the only thing that can change a person's own perception - is how they decide to see things, and evaluate them within their minds.

And if you decide that what someone did to you, is going to affect your PoV about other subsequent relationships and experiences - then that past person has won, and you've given your power of perception away.

 

You've lost more than they seemingly and evidently 'took'.

They've also taken part of you - and you've let them.

 

And what many people fail to really believe, is that you can get it back.

 

if you really want proof, here it is.

Palden Gyatso | Free Tibet

 

 

If there was a "love the hell outta this" to click, I'd do it!

[TaraMaiden]

Shayla, you of all folks....(((hugs!)))