How do I let myself become emotionally available?

[volkl1996]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/316086-12-months-post-seperation-divorced-now-dating-having-odd-emotions-6.html#post3920065

 

I have known this, though I have never been able to "term" it..now I can..it seems I AM emotionally unavailable and to a degree I do think I have been meeting the "wrong" girls. That is not to say it's their fault.I own this. I end up with the needy, clingy girls who make it "easy"for me to date. 1-2 months into dating I start to pull away, freak out if you will.

 

I want to improve myself. I have been on a "who am I" and"What do I like" journey" for the past 12+ months..and I have made grade strides and feel happier than ever.

 

I want to improve more; I want to feel true intimacy, true love. I want to maintain my independence while allowing myself to depend on someone else. I think a lot of this is related to my marriage failing. I always saw my marriage as "unfailable"...like it was a rock. Even though I was miserable and so was she, and were both pretty much "alone" the last few years. Even though I am happier than I have been for a very long time...I think I am afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to get hurt.

 

Should I stop dating? My answer is no. In order to improve I think I need to date; I need to allow myself to feel and get close to someone. For those of you who have been through this...what did you do to improve yourself?

Edited April 5, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden]

Never, ever cut and paste.

 

what....?

[volkl1996]

Ah, makes sense now.

 

Lets try again.....

 

From another thread on this site that I started I have realized I am emotionally unavailable:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/316086-12-months-post-seperation-divorced-now-dating-having-odd-emotions/new-post.html

 

I have known this, and felt this, though I have never been able to define it. I own this, I want to improve myself and I want to be more emotionally available.

 

To a degree I think I have been ending up in relationships with the "wrong" girls; the ones who are clingy and needy and make it easy for me to not be emotionally unavailable. It's not their fault, again I own this, I simply see this pattern in me now. I do not have to do any work...they make it easy for me to continue to be emotionally unavailable. 1-2 months into it I get anxious, hot/cold, distant, feel off, and end up ending it.

 

I do not want to continue doing this. It's not healthy. I want to grow and improve. I have met someone recently who is not clingy, she is not needy, who has her own life, she seems to know her own identity...and I am attracted to her. I feel myself wanting to let go..though it's still too early in my opinion... 2 dates.

 

I have been on a "who am I" and "what do I like" journey for the past 12+ months. I feel happier than ever, I feel healthier than ever, yet I now know, in order to be in a healthy relationship, I have some more work to do.

 

I know I am afraid to let go, allow myself to "feel". I am afraid of getting hurt, being vulnerable. I hear folks on here saying I need to take a risk. Well, how? How does one start to let go, how does one start to take risks? For those of you who have been here...what helped you?

 

When I feel cold, distant or off with someone I like..what should I do? The next time I see them I usually feel "back on". To date I have told myself it's because it's not the right person. Maybe it's not...who knows.

 

Should I stop dating? My answer is no...how can I work on this being a lone. I have spent a lot of time alone over the past 12+ months and I feel ready for a relationship.

[TaraMaiden]

Meditate.

and no, honestly, that is not associated with any religious or spiritual activity.

meditate, and allow yourself to slowly open to the possibilities that exist.

 

if you grasp too tightly to a concept, it eludes you.

but if you cradle it gently in your mind, it blossoms.

 

like this....

 

Take a tub of hand-cream, and scoop some into the palm of your hand.

now, make a fist and hold it tightly.

it squwooshes out of every single tiny creased gap, and you find your hand empty.

 

now, take more of the same cream, and hold it gently on the palm of your upturned hand.

See? it stays there, waiting....

 

be just as open to the soft, fragile yet nourishing and malleable concept of being open to life.

 

meditate, and calm the mind.

 

enjoy.

[volkl1996]

I have been Googling this, and I see lots of links describing the signs and how a woman should avoid this type of man, or how a man should avoid this type of woman. I have some of the signs, not all of them though.

 

Great, now what? How do I work thru this? I do not want to be this type of person. I hate it and I want to let go of this.

[TaraMaiden]

Don't google on what people should avoid.

 

Google on what kind of person you should be.

 

Google on what makes a good person.

 

Google on what makes a wonderful partner.

 

Google meditation

 

Seriously!!

see what extraordinary benefits meditation brings - then tell me it won't work....

[volkl1996]

Don't google on what people should avoid.

 

Google on what kind of person you should be.

 

Google on what makes a good person.

 

Google on what makes a wonderful partner.

 

Google meditation

 

Seriously!!

see what extraordinary benefits meditation brings - then tell me it won't work....

 

Thanks, I will do some research on meditation.

 

In the mean time though....any suggestions anyone?

[daphne]

I agree with TaraM. Meditation is a great tool. It is difficult, however.

 

Cognitive therapy. Unearth your negative thoughts. Tape over them with more logical and real thoughts. You believe what you tell yourself. Your last relationship does not dictate how future rels end. Nor does your past family experience.

[volkl1996]

Thanks daphne!

 

I am actually practicing just that..and journaling my thoughts daily.

[carhill]

Tell us about your relationship with your best male friend.

[fucpcg]

I've never handled a breakup well with any girl I've broke up with that I truly loved. My first love we were together, though on and off, a total of 4 years. I was honestly hung up on her for about 3 years after, and when you are hung up on someone, it's true that you are emotionally unavailable. While you are in that state, you just can't see yourself falling in love with anyone else again. Even though it seems that way when in it, it will happen again. I've now had 5 loves in my life, and after every break the same feeling comes back. How can I love someone else? I am in that boat now, as I am totally not over my ex, one year post breakup as of this week. I have that feeling, but life experience tells me though I feel that now, it can (and hopefully) will happen again. Right now, I know I am not emotionally available yet, and I know that trying to push past it won't work. So I am just not really dating. I wish I was past, I know I'm not, I'll move forward when I know it's HONESTLY moving forward.

 

Don't put an artificial timeline on your recovery. It will come, but only time will allow that to happen. How much time? You will know that only when you get past your ex, and only then can you know.

[volkl1996]

Tell us about your relationship with your best male friend.

 

Not too sure I have one male best friend..probably 3 really good male friends I can share things with. One is my brother. One is married, one is younger than I, single, and my brother is older, kind of like me, challenges with relationships, though he has recently settled with a great girl. He has bouts of anxiety with her..and I have spent a lot of time talking with him as he goes thru these bouts, as I know how he feels.

 

I am pretty close to my paternal father, though we do not talk much or see each other much as he lives 3+ hours away. I am not close to the man that raised me.

 

I have a lot of male friends I would just call friends, not super close, not distant either.

[volkl1996]

I've never handled a breakup well with any girl I've broke up with that I truly loved. My first love we were together, though on and off, a total of 4 years. I was honestly hung up on her for about 3 years after, and when you are hung up on someone, it's true that you are emotionally unavailable. While you are in that state, you just can't see yourself falling in love with anyone else again. Even though it seems that way when in it, it will happen again. I've now had 5 loves in my life, and after every break the same feeling comes back. How can I love someone else? I am in that boat now, as I am totally not over my ex, one year post breakup as of this week. I have that feeling, but life experience tells me though I feel that now, it can (and hopefully) will happen again. Right now, I know I am not emotionally available yet, and I know that trying to push past it won't work. So I am just not really dating. I wish I was past, I know I'm not, I'll move forward when I know it's HONESTLY moving forward.

 

Don't put an artificial timeline on your recovery. It will come, but only time will allow that to happen. How much time? You will know that only when you get past your ex, and only then can you know.

 

Thanks, great feedback.

 

I do feel like I am over my ex. It took a while and a lot of hurt and pain and feeling lonely, but I am over her. I do not think about her, I do not want her back. I wonder how she is doing, simply from a caring point of view, that's it though.

 

Honestly, I had this same hot/cold thing with her when we were dating.

 

I have only had 2 long term relationships really, my ex and a 3-4 year relationship in my early 20s. 3-4 month dating in between, nothing I would call long term or even "my girlfriend".

[smokey bear]

I had a clarity moment, i started dating, i would rather feel something, infatuation, just a good time, anything, than sit and just waiting for it all to come back. Just get out and experience and someone comes along and manages to open you up again, for me it was a friend, a stranger, it doesnt have to be a new partner it can be anyone, just get out there and be open to it and have the frame of mind that to feel anything, be it hate, anger or love is better than being closed off

[volkl1996]

I had date #3 with girl #2. Honestly, probably one of the best dates I have ever had. Lots and lots of talking, sharing stories. Yes, some kissing and touching, though nothing crazy. I shared some of my stories, even though it was uncomfortable and I was waiting for her to "walk away" or judge me afterwards if you will. She did not. She listend and asked follow-up questions.

 

I found myself being very chatty with her...something I have not felt in a very very long time.

 

We have done some texting since the date, nothing long and crazy, more "how's your day" kind of hellos. We did not plan our next date though we both did say we want to see each other again. I find myself waiting for the next text and wondering if I should stop texting even though it's only 5-10 a day.

 

I like this girl..she is on my mind..I find myself wanting to share stories about me and my life with her. I am working hard to control this "hot" time. Not asking to see her, not texting a lot..just letting things settle. It's work for me to do this as I am thinking about her a lot.

 

She is easy to talk to..I like her stories, and she makes me think about stories and memories I forgot about, and then I want to share them with her. Some feel "too deep" though I feel like I want to take a risk, share, let her get to knwo me, and then let her decide.

 

I am scared to get hurt with her as I do like her.

[TaraMaiden]

That's an understandable fear... but the heart that can feel pain, is also the one most capable of tenderness....

 

take it easy... but honesty is refreshing, and she will be considerate, if you approach her with a degree of openness....