So this is it…(venting-aruguing-pissed)

[Danie]

I’m kind of just done with it all. Very much feeling that right now. My husband is…passive aggressive? I don’t really know what word to use here. So the last few days (week) he’s kind of withdrawn. I ask he says nothing. Ok, I’m not going to try to read his mind and I’m not going to try to force him to talk to me. **** that noise. So today he’s the same…I ask him if he’s mad, no. He’s acting sort of happy before he left the house to ehad to work…on his day off….and I drop baby girl off at the sitters…and get the following text.

 

“I’m done. It’s always the same. I shouldn’t have to ask. You said before that I didn’t have to ask if everything was ok we wouldn’t be here now”

 

Well, **** you. That’s all I have to say about that. Of course I didn’t send that. I sent “fine” and then when I got to work sent him this

 

“Maybe this is the way its supposed to be for us. Maybe we are not meant to be together. I know it will hurt for awhile but not forever. I do love you and want you to be happy & if you can’t be happy with me than that’s just the way it is.”

 

I believe he is mad because I didn’t give him a bj this morning. Of course he’s not going to admit this to me…but actions speak louder than words.

 

He’s not making me happy.

[Philosoraptor]

Seems like you're in a relationship with an emotional child. That doesn't make for happy tidings or an easy relationship.

[Danie]

…and you know I just feel so f’ing empty right now. Empty-empty-empty…running on fumes…and there’s no end in sight. Not that I can see anyway.

 

Probably, if the story remains the same (which it normally does) he will text me later, or call me, be apologetic, be loving…be sweet and funny…to get me to smile…and laugh…and then we’ll have some fantastic makeup sex…and things will be back to good…well, I just don’t know if I have the ‘umph’ to do this again. To want to do this again. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

 

I don’t know if I *want* to get over this, again. Because it’s just going to happen again. Maybe not next week, or next month..but it will happen again.

[Philosoraptor]

You have the ability to set the boundaries here. You don't have to play this game anymore unless you allow it to happen.

[Danie]

You have the ability to set the boundaries here. You don't have to play this game anymore unless you allow it to happen.

 

 

Sorry I'm stilll kind pissed so this is misdirected anger but...no ****. yes I know. Its up to me.

[Philosoraptor]

Sorry I'm stilll kind pissed so this is misdirected anger but...no ****. yes I know. Its up to me.

Let it out, stuffing it just brings worse feelings later.

 

Where do you want to go from here?

[Danie]

It seems to me what I *want* in this situation really doesn’t matter. I want him to not be an ass. I him to not stuff **** down and blow up at me in stressful times. I want to stay married to him. But it just doesn’t seem like that’s what I’m going to get.

 

Wants and needs are different. I know this. Maybe what I *need* is to leave him. To really just shut this door….and that bring tears to my eyes.

[Philosoraptor]

Explain to him what you want and need from this relationship, and that if he is unwilling to fulfill it that you will not allow yourself to live an unhappy life.

 

You two seem to have an accepted pattern which is as you said, he will expect to come home and have makeup sex. What this is doing is saying that what he has done is fine and that when he does it again there will be no real repercussions.

 

Draw the line in the sand and accept nothing less than happiness with this relationship.

[xxoo]

It seems to me what I *want* in this situation really doesn’t matter. I want him to not be an ass. I him to not stuff **** down and blow up at me in stressful times. I want to stay married to him. But it just doesn’t seem like that’s what I’m going to get.

 

Your threads are so up and down. In one, things are great! He's so thoughtful! You just want him to go on some trips with you.

 

And in another, he is a passive aggressive jerk, and you are considering leaving.

 

What is really going on?

 

I suggested on the last thread that his sweetness is conditional on you doing what he wants. Does that sound right?

[Danie]

Explain to him what you want and need from this relationship, and that if he is unwilling to fulfill it that you will not allow yourself to live an unhappy life.

 

You two seem to have an accepted pattern which is as you said, he will expect to come home and have makeup sex. What this is doing is saying that what he has done is fine and that when he does it again there will be no real repercussions.

 

Draw the line in the sand and accept nothing less than happiness with this relationship.

 

See, I understand what you are saying, heck, I’ve advised others in this same regard. I get it. So I’ll tell him what I need. He’ll agree. And we’ll be good…until the next time.

 

This was our life before his affair. We worked hard to not be those people, in that relationship…to make things better between us. It has been better for a long, long, long time. Then here lately, not so good anymore.

 

I know I’m not as available with my time because I have a demanding job (that I love) and I’m in online college (two classes away from by bachelors)…and the grandbaby girl takes a lot of my time…and just the daily living (dinner, dishes, cleaning, etc)…and my kids are 17 and 14 and like to argue with each other and me…so I know I’m a bit checked out. I really have no idea what I could put down right now. I need my job. I need to complete my bachelors degree to keep my job. The baby has needs that someone needs to meet and since no one is jumping up to help her get some milk, food or what have you I’ll do it. But that’s all whine on my part.

 

So way back when he came home we did the relationship work. Now, like 6 yrs later, he’s reverting back to that crap. I am NOT going backwards.

 

I don’t think I really have a choice here. I’m NOT going to go backwards. I am NOT going to live like this anymore. I am NOT going to do it. NOT.

 

And I love him and don’t want this to end.

[Danie]

Your threads are so up and down. In one, things are great! He's so thoughtful! You just want him to go on some trips with you.

 

And in another, he is a passive aggressive jerk, and you are considering leaving.

 

What is really going on?

 

I suggested on the last thread that his sweetness is conditional on you doing what he wants. Does that sound right?

 

See, that’s just it. He really IS this wonderful guy…unless he’s not. When he’s not that wonderful guy he’s this *******.

 

I hear that if the good outweighs the bad then it’s not time to leave. I don’t know if I believe that anymore.

[Danie]

...and now begins the txts...and I am NOT backing down. Maybe I'll be a divoriced woman before too long. and if that's the way it is then so be it.

[xxoo]

So way back when he came home we did the relationship work. Now, like 6 yrs later, he’s reverting back to that crap. I am NOT going backwards.

 

I don’t think I really have a choice here. I’m NOT going to go backwards. I am NOT going to live like this anymore. I am NOT going to do it. NOT.

 

And I love him and don’t want this to end.

 

Don't go backwards. Stand firm. Hold him responsible for his behavior.

 

Tell him what you've said here. Tell him that you are concerned about your relationship reverting back to how it was before the affair. Tell him you are unwilling to remain in a marriage with those dynamics. No drama, just the reality. If he goes back to that way of dealing with problems, you won't stick around to see it.

[Danie]

Don't go backwards. Stand firm. Hold him responsible for his behavior.

 

Tell him what you've said here. Tell him that you are concerned about your relationship reverting back to how it was before the affair. Tell him you are unwilling to remain in a marriage with those dynamics. No drama, just the reality. If he goes back to that way of dealing with problems, you won't stick around to see it.

 

Done. We're talking thru txts.

 

See, this is it. I think this is why I'm here on this forum now. I love him and I love me too. I have to be the priority in my own life. It's just hard to switch...really switch...gears...and to really and truly make a final-final decision. Because if I ever decided to really close this door to this man and this marriage...for me there is absolutely no going back. I have to be sure and I don't know that I'll ever really be sure. and then again maybe its a moot point and this time he's really done.

 

and it makes me so gd mad that he's willing to END us on this stupid note.

[Danie]

Danie:

 

It sounds like you've already met a potential replacement for your husband.

 

Getting divorced over some bullsh*t txting argument is crazy.

 

And that's on the both of you.

 

You listed all your "priorities" during your day and it's about a dozen different things ahead of your husband.

 

I suspect when you took him back after his affair, you never fully re-committed to the marriage.

 

Now it just sounds like you're looking for reasons to make him the bad guy because you never really reconciled.

 

You keep saying you love him but people who really love each other don't let this kind of trivial crap break up their marriage. That would also apply to both of you.

 

Ham, I suspect you have no idea what you’re talking about.

 

First, just so you know…I do not condone cheating nor will I participate in an affair. That’s just not who I am nor who I want to be.

 

Believe me, I also think that texting is a cop-out bull**** way to talk about this stuff. Cowardice, in fact. Do you understand that he wasn’t talking to me about any of this? Do you understand that I asked him if he was mad and he said “no” and do you understand that about 1 half hour after he answered my direct question he sent that “I’m done...” text? So you tell me what am I supposed to do? I cannot FOCRE him to talk to me…as a matter of fact I REFUSE to try to force him to talk to me, he's a grown man.

 

Maybe if I had a little more help with the priorities then he wouldn’t be so far down the list. Maybe if he decided to cook dinner and wash dishes I would have a bit more energy at the end of the day. Or maybe when I’m sitting at the computer trying to do my homework and the baby is asking for milk he could get off his ass and get her a glass of milk…what do you think? Do you think that might be a novel way of showing support? Maybe that crazy **** just might work….then again maybe it’s too damned late.

 

So, what would you suggest I do? He will not go to MC, he will not go to IC. He doesn’t want to make love to me because he wants me to make love to him, he doesn’t want to go traveling with me, he doesn’t want to talk to me about his internal issues…or our marriage issues…so what am I supposed to do? He says he loves me but his actions are not showing me this….so do I keep waiting? And what exactly am I waiting for? For him to suddenly be a different person? Or for me to suddenly be a different person? Do we keep on keeping on as we are? Neither of us truly being content in our own lives? How can I say I love him if that’s the best I can offer?

 

You are not sitting here in my shoes…in my life…you do not understand the level of emptiness, of longing, of wanting....I feel for him…nor the level of love I feel for him. That’s why this is so hard and so hurtful…it’s all right there and I need him to put it together for US to remain an US…but he just won’t do it.

 

…so this is a new thought for me…an idea that I’m having trouble with now and probably have had trouble with for a very-very long time (and probably a reason for my current dilemma) where is the line between healthy compromise and being true to one’s authentic self ?

[beenburned]

Danie,

 

Only 35% of marriages touched by infidelity are successful in the long run.(5 years after d-day)

 

Both partners have to be willing to grow and change. One person can not reconcile the marriage on their own.

 

It sounds like your H is very immature and doesn't want to change at all.

 

Your whole life sounds very stressful and too busy. Do you two ever do anything as a couple?