Wife freaks out: Keeping your "Pimp hand" strong . . .

[twice shy]

The wife and I had planned to divorce about 3 years ago until the poor economic situation resulted in both of us being laid off and subsequently reemployed at far lower income.

 

So the last few years, i've still wanted to get divorced, but didn't have the means to support two households. As my condition has gradually improved, i'm finally beginning to make moves in this direction.

 

Last month I opened up a bank account at a local credit union. Actually was quite surprised that the bank officer thought that my credit was ok and with my income (finally back at pre-2008 levels), i could qualify for car loans/credit cards etc.

 

I finally informed the wife that i had opened an account and that i was going to be diverting a small part of my pay into this account with the idea of finally moving out.

 

None of this was sudden. In fact, it's been 4 years in the making. So imagine my surprise (shock, even!) when she freaked out and started begging me to not leave and to forgive her and to try again and to not "quit on 'us'".

 

It was as if this "oh ****! he really means it." look came over her and she saw that since i've already saved $1000 in about a month and since i can actually get credit, she was faced with the reality of actually being divorced.

 

I can't tell you how empowering this feels. At the beginning of this, it was her pushing for the divorce and her not wanting to do counseling or reconcile. Years later, when she realizes she has no power over me any more and that i am "moving on", suddenly it's about "not quitting on us" and "being there for the kids".

 

I wish I had figured this out a lot sooner.

[standtall]

Why did you volunteer any info at all? What was your objective by doing that?.do you really want to get divorced, or was that a ploy to get her to shape up?

[wow04]

I am not sure where you are, but where I live any accounts that were opened during the marriage both parties are entitled to half. You shouldn't have said anything to her and just moved out.

[twice shy]

i let her know for various reasons. first, she is the one who pays the bills, she will notice $500/month not coming into the main account.

 

second, this was in response to her unilaterally declaring that she was about to make a $3500 purchase in order to improve her appearance.

 

i said, "sure, go ahead. but you're paying that with 'your' money". at that point, i spilled the beans, so to speak. i told her that if she insisted on moving ahead with the purchase, that i would divert my entire check to my account and that we would work out an equitable way to split the bills until i moved out (i make almost twice what she earns).

 

basically, i think she wants me here in order to subsidize her lifestyle.

 

anyway, that's why i told her. I understand that she'd get half of any money in any bank account. but half of something is still something. if i put the $ in our joint account, it seems to be spent on stuff (since she pays the bills) so that we end up with not so much at the end of the month.

[standtall]

i let her know for various reasons. first, she is the one who pays the bills, she will notice $500/month not coming into the main account.

 

second, this was in response to her unilaterally declaring that she was about to make a $3500 purchase in order to improve her appearance.

 

(i make almost twice what she earns).

 

basically, i think she wants me here in order to subsidize her lifestyle.

 

 

Sounds like you need to take over the bills.

[Owl]

If you can't afford a divorce...how can she afford a $3500 cosmetic procedure???

 

Seems to me that $3500 would go a long ways towards funding the divorce.

[dreamingoftigers]

From everything I've read it looks like you said 4 years ago " I want a divorce and I can't afford it and as soon as I can, I'm going to save up and get one."

 

Four years pass without another word spoken as you continue to live together, sleep together, have sex together and struggle together........

 

Then you get this account and put the drop on her.

For her it's ancient history. For you, it's revenge, ha ha.

 

With communications skills like that it's no wonder there seems to be a divorce crisis every four years. Why not try something pro-active and assertive to either fix the situation or not make it worse while you go through the proceedings.

 

If I wanted a divorce, no amount of economic crisis or money issues could hold this marriage together. Screw that, life's too short.

 

It sounds like when you get mad enough, you wife just "wants you to subsidize her lifestyle" and this divorce has been "coming for four years."

 

The way that you hang onto resent is supremely unhealthy.

[elfman]

Hey man... Cheers to you! I am so glad to hear stories of men who did not want to divorce have their wive's fantasy lalaland ideas of what divorce is blow up in their faces... I hope my wife (whos desperate to leave me at the moment) realizes this eventually so I can tell her "I told you so"...

 

It is so sad, but most divorce stories come down to being a "power game"... and I'm glad you're on top right now bud.

 

As a means to secure your wishes, I would not be so open about my finances to her... I am not saying to cheat her out of anything... but the less you say the better when it comes time for you to make up your mind. I could tell you I wish you guys get back together again and work it out, especially if you have kids... but in any case, whatever makes you happy is what a well-wisher will be wishing for... so cheers again.

[twice shy]

I haven't read any backstory (if you've posted one) so forgive me if I'm wrong here, but what I'm getting from your post is that you both wanted out a few years ago, but couldn't afford it, so you've basically continued the marriage out of financial necessity. Neither of you have worked on the marriage, yet now when she sees you're serious, she does a 180 and begs you to stay. And you seem happy about that.

 

Is that right?

 

If so, my question is what in the heck are you happy about? You've both had four years to do better than what you've done...to try to improve things in your marriage. That hasn't happened so where do you plan to go from here?

 

well, i wouldn't say i was "happy". i'm sorry if that's the way it came across.

 

the last few years we've spent together but apart. we tried MC but she didn't want to be married and didn't want to be with me. we started sleeping in separate bedrooms, have had no sex, and very little communication. we do things together insofar as we have to (parent/teacher conferences, holidays, kids birthdays, etc.).

 

it's only within the last year where we've been able to get back on track financially, so it follows that now is when i'm making preparations to leave.

 

as i'd become pretty much accustomed to indifference, it actually was pretty surprising to hear her pretty much beg me to stay.

 

i wasn't necessarily "gloating" about anything--there are no winners in my situation. my message was more intended for the folks who try to appease and reason with their spouse to no positive outcome (as I'd done in the past). in this instance, remaining dispassionately firm and resolute resulted in a surprising turn of events.

[twice shy]

If you can't afford a divorce...how can she afford a $3500 cosmetic procedure???

 

Seems to me that $3500 would go a long ways towards funding the divorce.

 

yes, this is my point. we were "stuck in limbo" for this time and now that we're doing a bit better financially, i want to beat it out of dodge and she wants to get braces.

 

this is why i told her to pay for her braces after i'm out and gone.

 

From everything I've read it looks like you said 4 years ago " I want a divorce and I can't afford it and as soon as I can, I'm going to save up and get one."

 

Four years pass without another word spoken as you continue to live together, sleep together, have sex together and struggle together........

 

Then you get this account and put the drop on her.

For her it's ancient history. For you, it's revenge, ha ha.

 

With communications skills like that it's no wonder there seems to be a divorce crisis every four years. Why not try something pro-active and assertive to either fix the situation or not make it worse while you go through the proceedings.

 

If I wanted a divorce, no amount of economic crisis or money issues could hold this marriage together. Screw that, life's too short.

 

It sounds like when you get mad enough, you wife just "wants you to subsidize her lifestyle" and this divorce has been "coming for four years."

 

The way that you hang onto resent is supremely unhealthy.

 

you've got some of it right. actually, 5 years ago she betrayed me, cheating with some scummy drug addict. we actually tried MC for a while, but it went nowhere (later she admitted to sabotaging it because she didn't feel like dealing with it). then, we agree on a divorce arrangement but were waylaid by the economy before we could get divorced.

 

we didn't work on anything in those years. we certainly haven't slept together (literally or figuratively) or "struggled" together. we have, in fact, been roommates and co-parents.

 

meanwhile, i've wanted to move on this whole time. as you say, "life's too short". another thing you're right about is that it's unhealthy the way i hold on to resentment. guilty as charged. that's why i want to get out.

 

the only thing surprising in all of this, was her reaction to me saying that i was making the preparations to move out and that she should make those same preparations.

 

come to think of it, i was surprised at my own reaction as well. she never has indicated that she was interested in reconciling. so imagine my shock when she's begging me not to give up on "us".