Update Slash Question...

[airynmacy]

Wow. It’s been so long since I last posted (mainly out of shame) but I’m back with a question about NC and how people survive it!?

 

My original stories are here and here and while I thought I successfully ended my A before I could get hurt I was wrong. So, so wrong. I can’t believe how naïve I was, only a few months ago.

 

The long and short of it is I went back, after telling my H everything and starting the divorce proceedings.

I rekindled the PA, which developed into an intense EA and ended abruptly when I begged (ugh, literally) for my xMM to leave his wife and be with me. He went on for months about how happy I made him, so why not just LEAVE and be with ME? Yeah. Not so much.

 

I feel so stupid for thinking he would, for asking him to. I feel stupid for having bawled my eyes out, pleading for him to give me a legitimate chance to be the only woman in his life.

He couldn’t leave because of the kids, because of his friends, because of his blah blah blah. I’m sure most of you here know the story. “Twenty years is a long time to throw away” or “I’m afraid to walk away from the life I’ve built.”

Either way I wasn’t worth leaving for.

.

I ended it. And I’m bitter. I’m angry that I put myself in this situation.

 

But mostly I just feel like I’m dying every day. It’s like trying to breathe underwater. I haven’t answered a phone call, email, text message, LETTER, anything. And it’s SO HARD to not say something… anything.

 

I know that NC is best, but is it normal to hurt this damn bad?

Edited April 5, 2012 by airynmacy

[Owl]

Yeah, hurting like that is pretty normal after an affair ends...at least it seemed so in my wife's case for sure.

 

What's the status of your marriage? How long until the divorce is finalized?

 

Personally, I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that it's OVER. He made his position crystal clear, and now it's time for you to make yours equally clear.

 

He's not to contact you ever again. PERIOD. If he continues his attempts to contact you, you'll forward it all to his wife and let her sort it out.

 

That'll get him off your back, and make NC much easier to enforce.

 

Then...for now at least...you need to focus on completing your divorce and rebuilding your OWN life. Fill your life with things that have nothing to do with either man. Working out, new hobbies, getting a new place, etc...

[airynmacy]

Thanks for the advice, Owl. The divorce will be finalized in June.

 

I'm so torn on being a raging biotch to the xMM and wanting him to be with ME (still). I don't want to have to bring his W into this but... it's killing me hearing from him almost everyday and never responding, not even with a "**** off and die, *******".

 

I should pick up a hobby that doesn't involve a man but I'm so damn codependent...

[wannabdone]

I'm sorry for your hurt. And yes, it hurts like hell.

 

I read your original posts, did your H ever tell his BS? You had said you were worried about that.

 

Sorry, for the questions, just trying to get more of a back ground on it since it all came out.

[Owl]

Thanks for the advice, Owl. The divorce will be finalized in June.

 

Glad to hear that it's moving along and that you're coping with that situation.

 

I'm so torn on being a raging biotch to the xMM and wanting him to be with ME (still). I don't want to have to bring his W into this but... it's killing me hearing from him almost everyday and never responding, not even with a "**** off and die, *******".

 

He needs to strongly, clearly get that message to **** off and ***. He needs to know that he HAS TO stop attempting to contact you, point blank. If he continues once you've got that message across, you're going to have to enforce that boundary with some kind of consequence, and I can't think of any other you might be able to use.

 

I should pick up a hobby that doesn't involve a man but I'm so damn codependent...

 

Well, here's the thing. You are now officially on your own. You're your own woman. And you now pretty much HAVE TO relearn how to spend your own time and energy...and not be dependent upon anyone else. This is a learning oppotunity, a growth opportunity for you.

 

Figure out what interests you've got...or ones you've had but never pursued. Now is the time and here is the place...pick something you want to learn more about, and pursue it. Choose something you've always wanted to try, but... and forget that (but), and go make it happen.

 

The sooner you start finding your new life, the easier it'll become to let go of the old one.

 

Embrace what you can't control, my friend.

[nofool4u]

I know that NC is best, but is it normal to hurt this damn bad?

 

I'm sure it is. Now you know what its like to be your stbXH and the MM's wife, if she knows.

[whichwayisup]

I feel so stupid for thinking he would, for asking him to. I feel stupid for having bawled my eyes out, pleading for him to give me a legitimate chance to be the only woman in his life.

 

Remember that feeling.. With anger too. This WILL drive you to stay in NC forever and make yourself get over him, get him out of your blood and heart.

 

You aren't stupid..You just chose to believe a married man and you were vunerable, let your heart and emotions take over. Never put yourself in that type of situation again..With ANY man.

 

 

He couldn’t leave because of the kids, because of his friends, because of his blah blah blah. I’m sure most of you here know the story. “Twenty years is a long time to throw away” or “I’m afraid to walk away from the life I’ve built.”

Either way I wasn’t worth leaving for.

 

You may believe him or feel his answer for not leaving is valid. To him, it IS. Like it or not, it seems like he was just liking the affair as it was. To stay married, have his life intact and have you on the side. It hurts, but it's the reality and again, what you feel about it should keep you in NC mode, even if it kills you inside. HE isn't worthy of hearing from you ever again. No more ego feeds for him.

.

I ended it. And I’m bitter. I’m angry that I put myself in this situation

.

Let yourself feel the bitterness but don't react upon it. Write, cry, work out, punch a pillow - Just don't reach out to him..

 

But mostly I just feel like I’m dying every day. It’s like trying to breathe underwater. I haven’t answered a phone call, email, text message, LETTER, anything. And it’s SO HARD to not say something… anything.

 

I know that NC is best, but is it normal to hurt this damn bad?

 

Change your cell number and email address. NC taken care of on that aspect.

 

yes you will hurt for a while but once you let yourself grieve and go through the stages of grief, of losing him and the affair, you will start to feel better.

 

Postives - No more rollercoaster. No more hiding and lying..No more being second fiddle..No more OW. No more on going pain. What you are feeling now is FINAL. The ending and around the corner is a new beginning.

 

Rely on family and friends to help you through this. Get busy, and pamper yourself too. Spend some money, go shopping, get a new haircut, anything that will make you feel good about yourself.

 

You can do this. NC isn't going to kill you. It'll hurt and be hard but you will survive this. You were FINE before this MM came into your life and you'll be FINE again once you grieve this loss and accept things so you can let go and move on without hate, resent and bitterness.

[Fitz]

To the OP: You must acknowldede the difference between the reality of your relationship and the fantasy of what you thought your relationship was. Tear down the fantasy. Tear down the illusions. Don't get caught up in the trap of wanting to be validated by a man who sold you an illusion.

 

This is a blog post written by a woman who was once the OM in an affair. I think it fits the OP's situation quite well.

 

Why Affairs Are Like Being Double-Crossed In A Heist | Baggage Reclaim

 

But to sum it up, an affair is like a heist movie. You know at some point after the robbery takes place that someone's gonna get double crossed. Often that person ends up being the OW/OM.

[RickFox]

Yes NC hurts and it sucks and despite whatever it is people tell you that you feel, you simply feel how you feel.

 

It's been roughly seven months of NC now and I guess it's easier now than it was in the beginning.

 

I finally made a breakthrough in that I no longer am living my life trying to avoid my xMW, I finally went back to my original pick up spot for my daughter and stood in the same room without caring what she was doing or looking her way. Small steps lead to HUGE ones, each in their own time.

[airynmacy]

Thanks to all who responded.

 

Wannabdone: Good Lord does it ever hurt. I feel like I can’t even complain because I did it to myself. With the xMM’s help, but I made those choices. Now I have to live with it. That still ****ing hurts though.

 

No my H says he doesn’t want to ruin the xMM’s life like I’ve ruined ours. Nice little jab, but warranted. At first I was relieved, I was still head-over-heals for xMM and didn’t want his world to fall apart. Now I that feeling of wanting to protect him waxes and wanes.

 

Owl: I think he thinks he’s “proving his love” to me by being persistent. I really do. As for a hobby, I’m checking out a couple of creative-writing classes at a community college. It’s a start, right?

 

nofool4u: I know I deserve it. And I know I hurt everyone involved. Even those who don’t know, which as far as I know, include the xMM’s W.

 

Alice2012: Mostly they haven’t been blocked because I don’t know how; or they are via a work related email system. Changing my number would be easier, and I’m going to go that route. Trust me, the attempted contact brings nothing but tears and chest pains. I do want to talk to him but I know where it’ll lead. And I DON’T want that. Not anymore.

 

whichwayisup: Yes, at this point my unbridled hatred for the situation is whats keeping me NC. Thank you for the support, but I was kind of stupid to even “go there”. Now that I look back on it all I can say is I was a fool.

 

No, I don’t buy his excuses for not leaving. If he was really in love with me, was happy with me, it would have been worth it to leave. Being together would have been worth getting out of a mediocre marriage. So he was either a.) lying about the marital situation or b.) I’m good enough to ****, but not good enough to love.

 

I do plan on changing my phone number and personal email. It will (I hope) be easier without seeing his name on my phone or in my inbox anymore. Thank you again for the sound advice.

 

Fitz: Thanks for the blog, it was a good read. And I think you are right too… I thought we were both honest in the A but I guess that’s (like the author says) an oxymoron. But for the record, I would have happily stayed with him if he would have walked away from his W.

 

RickFox: Good for you! I’m glad to hear that another person is surviving NC. It’s comforting to know that it won’t actually kill me. And since the xMM and I work together…. It would be nice to not choke on my coffee whenever he passes my desk someday.

[mercy]

I’m good enough to ****, but not good enough to love.

 

 

Such a painful statement to make. Even more to feel. So many times in life we feel this way, not good enough, not quite enough, if I had only been this/that. Awful! It's a lie we tell ourselves. Hopefully one day soon you'll change the wording to, I am more than enough and deserve so much more.

 

edit - Hope today is a better day. xx