My 7yr Relationship is over - for good?

[Jadempk]

Hi everyone,

 

***WARNING LONG POST ***

 

I have just had a break up with my bf of 7yrs, I am currently 22.

We started dating in school and each lived in our parents home for 2yrs until we purchased our own home (soley under his name).

He started work about 10months ago for mines (he's a boilermaker) around Australia as it pays very well and could help support our mortgage, car loans and credit card.

 

Just 2 weeks ago he told me we needed a break while he was away at a mine where he usually works 2 weeks on/ then 1 week off back home. It came directly after I received a notification on my phone that his email password had been changed. I get this notification because he set up his email account on my phone. I thought it may have been hacked and told him about it to which he replied he knew. I was just like, oh why did you change it? He said he was getting porn sent to it ....which I don't really care about but I asked if he trusted me? To not read his emails? And he started getting mad and sad I always read his stuff.

 

Then two nights later I called because I sai I'm not waiting around for him to make up his mind because he said he didn't know if he loved me, or if he was IN love with me (Uhh what's the difference?). He got very emoional and cried and said he didn't want to lose me and wanted me in his life forever and said he thought it might just be the distance causing his feeling. I said please don't lie to me and tell me the truth and we ended the phonecall happy, and ready to work on our distance issues and spending more quality time together.

 

Another two days pass and I wake up to a txt saying "Hey I need to break up with you, Iv'e found someone else and she makes me really happy so could you please be gone by the time I get home".

The shock almost made me collapse. See my ex and I grew up together and I know him so well and i seems so unlike him to do that.

I tried calling and calling him for an explanation and he said he wasn't happy and that he didn't love me. I tried to ask what I had done wrong and he said nothing he just feels different and had for a couple of months.

 

I sent many desperate texts like "know I will always be there for you, I still love you, I think your not happy with the distance and it's not about me". He reponded so meanly and harshly telling me to **** off and get over it, ect. This hurt SOOOO much coming from the guy I was in love with and would do anything for, especailly weeks after talking about getting married and having kids in a year. He said he only said that to make me happy but we talked about it many times in our relationship so I know it's something he dose want....I guess just not with me :(

 

He told his parents who came and got his dog from our home and his parens couldn't believe tathe foud anyone else. I guess what makes it hurt more too is that it was a shock not just to me, or his family but o our friends aswell.

 

I called him a day later and he said he only said the things he said because he knew I wouldn't let go (proabably true), and tha there is no one else he is just not happy.

 

I tried making every excuse for him but he wouldn't give us another chance. His parents helped me move everything out and back to my mums place. I guess I thought he would change his mind but 2 weeks later he has not.

 

We have spoken on the phone for hrs and he wants me to be happy and I want him to be happy. He kept saying he didn't love me untill finally he admitted he did love me but just not the same way and that he cares about me.I never EVER thought this would happen to us, I thought we were ok. I was willing to move away with him for work and had planned my whole life with him.

 

He is now in town and went from general texting about random stuff (he still wants to be friends), and is always asking me what I am doing. WHY would he care/want to know?? He says he cares and has offered to buy me a new knife set (after I saw ours on tv I said they must be good) and to give me money for fuel. I am not going to fight for the house he is giving me one of the cars and our bedroom suite. He is also going to get my car serviced and stop my phone plan so I can go to credit.

 

Then during the week I went over because he said I forgot a care bear nd some clothes :/ and I kissed him. He said it felt good but he didn't know if it was because of me, or just because he was horny. I said I liked it but I was horny too.

The next day I went to see him on the way to having coffee with a gf and we had sex. STUPID I now know, but I thought it would make him realise he loves me. It hurt when he pulled out - I asked why and he said he didn't want me to get pregnant. That hurt because we are each others firsts and after 61/2 yrs without protection I never got pregnant.

 

I have noticed if I make myself look busy or become hard to get he sends me alot of txts but when I don't he sends short one words txts and avoids me like the plague. Especially after the sex. I miss him so much and I don't fully understand why we broke up. I am trying to get on with life but after 2 weeks I still randomly cry for hrs then feel ok, but always missing him. Whenever I had a problem he was there and now that person I usually confide in is gone. I feel like someone has died. I have lost hope that we will ever be together again an that makes me feel so depressed.

 

Do you think I could get him back??

[Jadempk]

I guess I should also mention that I am worried that he wants to "sleep around". He told me before that if he hadn't met me he would be the biggest slut :/ He has never cheated and I believe him too. He is such a great guy, charismatic, funny, mature, dosen't drink often and most importantly he loved me.

 

He also said during our hr long phonecall that he dosen't want me to tell him if he sleeps with someone else, and he wont tell me. He said it would hurt him to know - to which i said that this was his choice and he had no right to hurt. Especially when I put so much effort in trying to save us, sometimes I think I still am. He said he had not slept with anyone either as he is still too hurt :/

He said he did want to tell me though if someone hurt me because he would hurt them - to which i replied he has no right and that I can look after myself.

 

This is why I feel like I am getting mixed signals. I know he dosen't want us anymore but why if it is hurting him too?? He said seeing me and kissing me and ect was wrong because he dosen't want to make it harder. I asked if it was hard for him and he said yeah, but he can handle it.

 

????????

[Lonely_lonely]

Heart breaking story I felt every word you wrote I'm sorry you are going through this , I have no good advice to give you because my story is similiar to yours

[gibson]

I suggest you read the following two threads:

 

"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

 

and...

 

Dumped by someone with G.I.G.S.? All your Questions are Answered within this thread!

[N0where]

Hi Jade,

 

I am new the the forum because something very similar happened to me just over a month ago. We had not been together for 7 years, but just over 2. I know the pain and confusion you're feeling. Myself, I find it helpful to read these forums and see that MANY other people have very similar stories, with partners dumping them out of the blue and for no good reason. You can also read the divorce forums and find stories that are usually way worse than yours, when there are kids, affairs, mortgages, extended family. I am not saying that I get comfort out of other misery, rather, it helps one to put their situation in perspective and realize there are people worse off (because I know it feels like the end of the world and your partner has killed all the future dreams you had together).

 

I did read the whole G.I.G.S. thing, and it sort of makes sense, but at the end of the day I'm not sure I really buy into it. When I think about it, these partners are looking for some fulfillment that they couldn't find (or failed to recognize) in the relationships we had with them. They think there is "something else" (someone?) else out there, or they want to "live life" (from what I have read this usually means sleep around).

 

What I have come to realize is that the person I had loved no longer exists. That special relationship that we had is dead. These kind of people will never be fulfilled, they want a new car, or a better job, cooler toys, once they have XY or Z THEN the will be happy. These types of people can't seem to realize they are already the envy of most of their friends and co-workers.

 

I don't know about you, but I am not going to spend my life trying to make someone else happy, because you can't. Happiness come from within. We can't rely on other for out happiness, and it isn't our job to make them happy, though we can certainly ADD to their happiness. I swear I'm not a spammer, and as this is my first post, I don't know if this is against the rules, but I'm not selling anything so have a look at this video, it has an interesting perspective on happiness. (Granted its tailored to happiness at work, but I think the theme is still relevant):

Shawn Achor: The happy secret to better work | Video on TED.com

 

Also, IMHO this is hilarious:

 

I would say, the same thing that a lot of others will come to tell you. Cut off all contact with this guy for 3-4x weeks minimum. Use this time to focus on yourself, re-connect with old friends, work out, read books, read these other stories if it helps.

 

Then think, do you really want to be with him? Look at the situation in black and white, write it down on paper with different names, "man 1 and woman 1" how long they are together, things then do, then whom did what. Does that seem fair what man 1 did to woman 1? When you look at the situation without names, would you ever want to date "man 1" even if he was really good looking? NO...

 

BUT you think it's different because you know HIM. NO YOU DON'T, that guy you used to know is GONE, he is a different man now. He just looks exactly like the old man, and knows everything about your relationship. It is VERY unlikely that you can retrieve the OLD guy, he is gone for good.

 

I know your pain

 

All the best.

[leoc1973]

This is so typical of the "7 year itch" he is young and you start talking about settling down and having kids it freaked him out a little. This could be the best or the worst thing that has happened to your relationship. He needs to see what else is out there. How bout you? Did you ever wonder what it would be like to be with another man?

 

He wants to stay friends to keep an eye on you. He wants to try out some other women but wants to keep you around to settle down with.

 

you want him back? well you know what to do! you answered that question yourself. You said when you are busy he texts long texts and when you are texting him you get the one word answers. Its cause when you are busy or not answering him he is freaking out.

 

Stop telling him you love him.

Stop seeing him.

Stop answering him.

Go no contact with him.

And for gods sake stop sleeping with him. After sex most men don't want anything to do with you. Its hard to explain if your not a man but its true. Its why most guys don't like to cuddle after sex.

 

Is he a good looking guy? Can he get other women? did you ever see the movie hall pass? Think of it that way and go out and get yourself some too! In a few years you would probably want to know what else is out there yourself so go find out now! USE PROTECTION! If you get pregnant you can be sure you are going to lose your ex.

 

This is either gigs or he just wants to explore a little but knows he still wants you. Read those threads from Gibson they are really interesting.

 

Oh and lots of us on here have been or are going through the same thing and I really think its worse than someone dying. Cause at least if they died you would know they wanted to be with you.

[Jadempk]

:oWow it sounds so much like GIGS but that dosen't change the hurt. :(It just makes me understand more which is frustrating because I am such an understanding person already. I do not hate him, I don't even dislike him or blame him for what he has done. Breaking up over text was poor but I understand why - so that I didn't freak out and make him feel pressured to be with me.

I wish I could be mad but I'm not because deep down all I want is for him to be happy(because I love him) and if I can't be that for him, well that's that I guess. I have fought and fought and fought for "us" but he has to want it too and he dosen't. (for whatever reason)

Yeah he is an attractive guy and he knows it too. He always told me if someone complemented him, and felt comfortable in his own skin. I sometimes caught him checking out his muscles in the mirror after a shower So yes, no doubt he will find other women and have sex all the time. This used to upset me because I felt betrayed but I know that after a while it will make him feel empty. And from how interested he is in porn and sex I guess it was a long time coming for him to want that.

I guess my biggest fear is that he will quickly find a replacement that is better and he is more in love wih them while I'm still grieving.

I don't want to sleep around, I don't think it will make me feel better I just want to be happy and to have the company and feel loved.

In all seriousness one youv'e tried one, you have tried them all right? lol.

I know nothing will compare to my first love and that's what hurts too, because I don' believe I will ever be as trusting in someone as I have been. That could have something to do with me being quite naive.

 

As I have mentioned I am not exercising my defacto rights in asking for half of everything but I do have the car. I have asked him to pay for rego and insurance to bring it up to date but he says he has no money. I told him I could wait but with my situation I cannot make that payment for a few good months. He has not replied to this and he has taken over a week to sign official documents to sign car over to me (because he is too busy, hunting, fishing, gaming,ect) but he said he will do it tonight.

My dad has been quite blunt and said well he must be doing ok if he's out hunting and fishing ect, but I just thought his dad was trying to keep him busy.Who knows.

 

I did try making a time where we could talk but he said just to text him. And yes I know I don't want to have sex with him, but I did. Once. Won't again because it hurt me pretty terribly when I was met with the same coldness.

 

"""Oh and lots of us on here have been or are going through the same thing and I really think its worse than someone dying. Cause at least if they died you would know they wanted to be with you.""""

I TOTALLY AGREE. Rejection hurts bigtime, dose wonders for self esteem too.

 

I am planning to go NC but I wanted to sort out all this stuff first so that after this I have no reason or excuse to contact him, and in doing so, create a whole new world of hurt for myself.

[Jadempk]

Those vids were great and entertaining:cool:

I do not plan on waiting for him at all. But I wish it was easier to deal with I feel I have lost so much, and also my best friend. He dosen't seem the same now but it will hurt if he acts like the same guy I knew around other people.

 

It is sad that our relationship is dead and so hard to get over especially when I feel like I don't have mcuh of a reason to go off. It makes me to think of him with someone else. I just want things to go back to normal everytime I wake in the morning. He's all I think, dream and sometimes talk about and it is near impossible for me to move on get back into uni ect. BUT I want to because I know just reliving the hurt over and over is no good but I am still just in disbelief.

[Jadempk]

So my ex (I cringe to say it) and I spent some time together today transferring music between our ipods. He text me 3 times this morning to come over so I did. I still have keys to the house and he said I can use anything I need while he is away at the mines for 2 weeks.

We cuddled lots and we were both happier then we had been in our relationship. He kept calling me beautiful and I asked why this had to happen.

He said it would be unfair on me because he wants to sort himself out and figure out what it is he wants in life. He dosen't want to hurt me and he wants me to be happy. I dont want to fall in love with someone else. He dosen't expect me to wait arund and he wants me to see other people. I said I wasn't ready and I asked if he was going to sleep with other people and he said not straight away as he is not ready but he wants to "have fun" with me and please me untill then. It's hard because I am not sure if I am in love with him anymore because of the hurt he has caused but I love him so much.

 

He can talk to me now about issues when he used to be so distant and he said it's beause he dosen't care what I think - I am not sure if this is good or bad because I do want him feeling comfortable talking to me. Yet I also feel a bit more comfortable with myself around him. The way he touches me and is sweet makes me feel as thogh he loves me still. He said he probably dose a little bit.

 

I can feel myself falling in love with him again and I don't hate him I just don't understand. I think it was alot to do wih stress/money and distance that caused him alling out oflove wit me. He said I have done nothing wrong and that I am perfect but he just feels different. I asked if he thought we would be together again because I said although I have felt betrayed he is still the man Iwant to marry and have kids wih one day. He said maybe, who knows.

 

I don' know what to do. No contact is almost impossible as we have car/phone/house things to sort out still. I love him and what to be more than companionship/sex/friends. I miss him soooooooo much and he says he misses me all the time which makes it harder for me to accept. Please Help

[Jadempk]

Just go off the phone with him and he says he wants to be single and he's sick of second guessing. He wants to do what he wants and not worry about me. I feel like I'm going to faint into a sea of tears. How could anyone go back to an ex when they cause them this amount of hurt?

[Jadempk]

Why is no contact so good? I find myself so happy to hear from my ex, and feel so great when he compliments me. I know if he loved me enough we would be together but love can't just dissapear. Why is he so caring and protective? I feel so empty. Maybe I'm depressed *RANT*. Booked in to see therapist Thursday but it feels so far away and it's interrupting all of my uni work but it's all I can think about. I keep having nightmares too :'(