sticky question

[digger]

This concerns 'no contact'. Ive been trying it with much better success. Although i have failed at times after 2-3 weeks. I am the dumpee...she is the dumper.

Exactly what does it mean when the dumper plays 'no contact'? Is it a way of

making the dumpee 'think'? Or is it just 'go away' mode???

[thecake]

lost in chicago I believe...hope it helps....

 

What's no contact?

"No Contact" is the practice of eliminating contact with your ex to stablize emotional relationship and establish some boundaries. This doesn't mean being an ass to your ex. It means eliminating as much contact as possible. Playing hard to get, if you will. Letting things settle down so that you can either move on or come together in a rational, calm way.

 

Who dumped who?

Basically, if you are trying to get rid of someone, be straight forward and honest with them. Don't try to be kind, and don't try to be mean. Honesty really works a lot better. Tell them the truth once you figure it out yourself. If you aren't sure, say so. Don't make up all kinds of things to make the other person feel at fault.

 

Now the rest of this is for those that were dumped by their ex and desire reconciliation..

 

We only dated a few months

Three months is a magic number. It's built into the human brain. If the relationship only lasted 3-4 months to begin with or if your ex is less than 25 (or so) years old (or really immature) they aren't likely to be coming back. It could take a bit longer with the immature as they may lack the nerve to break up in the first place. So 3 months is a trial period. The trial is over, move on. Less than 25 yrs old, many/most people aren't looking for permanent relationships. Don't get your hopes up. It might happen sure, but it probably won't.

 

We only dated for a long time or were married

If the relationship lasted longer than 3 months, you may have some hope. People do reconcile. Take an honest look at your situation and decide if there is truly any hope. That's hope, not desire. Be honest with yourself.

 

If there are other factors, like severe emotional distress (recent breakup, divorce, illness, death of a loved one), insecurity (fear of success), or psychological trauma (child of divorce, mental illness, abuse, rape) your ex may just need to find themself or work through their issues. Emotional distress can cause someone to make a drastic change to try to stabilize or reset their life. Your ex may be trying to eliminate you as a stressor.

 

Your ex may be aware of this or not. Your ex may even be trying to do what is best for you while they work through their own issues. That is a sign of a good person. A good person won't tell you that they just needs to go out and try a few other people so that they are sure they are doing the right thing because they are too young, or was married for so long.

 

If your ex was recently divorced, you may be the rebound person. If you were friends prior to that, you may have some hope yet. If not, the chance is there, but slim. Many divorced people latch on to someone close. But others just look for someone who is radically different from their ex.

 

Once your ex works thru the issues they are facing, they may reconsider.....or they may not. Your ex might find someone else they like better in the meantime. Don't put your life on hold.

 

Why would I want to practice "no contact"?

In many cases, emotions get the better of people, before, during and after a breakup. What we are trying to do here is to push a big fat red reset button on that problem.

 

People recommend no contact for two reasons, to allow you to move on (for your own good - even if that isn't what you wants) or to allow your ex time to think and come back without being pushed further away.

 

The no contact time...

1) allows you to get over them (even if you don't want to)

2) allows them to get over you (even if you don't want them to)

3) allows you time to reconsider wanting them back, with a clear head

4) allows them time to reconsider wanting to leave, and time to miss you and want you back

Why not pursuit instead?

Pursuit is a valid tactic immediately after the breakup. You need to establish to your ex that you are not indifferent to them. But only up to a point. Sending gifts very early on to try to win over your ex is ok (if your ex is female, for men probably not), but if they tell you to stop, STOP. If they seem at all irritated STOP. Otherwise they will start to see it as a manipulation, no matter how sincere you are. At that point you are violating their space. The more you do it, the more damage you do to yourself.

 

If your ex talks condescendingly to you, that's probably a bad sign. They don't respect you.

 

Talk to your friends and family

If your friends are honest with you they will tell you why they are recommending no contact. But sometimes they will recommend no contact because they think they are doing what's best for you and they want you to move on. Just keep in mind that your friends may be trying to do what they think is best for you rather than what is best for your goal of getting her back.

 

It's hard to tell what their motives are sometimes, but the end result is the same however you prefer things to work out. Sometimes they know better than you do, sometimes they just think they do, sometimes they are genuinely trying to help and sometimes they are just afraid to tell you what they really think. Then their the friend that has their own interest at heart, but then, he isn't your friend is he?

 

If you are a friend advising someone else. Be honest, otherwise you are doing them a horrible disservice in the guise of trying not to upset them. (That kind of motivation is about you, not about helping them).

 

 

I have kids, what do I do

This is an excellent point that was brought up in a recent thread. Just remember that the kids come first. Unless your ex was abusing the kids in some form, your kids should have contact with their biological parents, it's important. Don't try to use your kids as weapons and don't try to prevent contact with the ex. Try to limit your personal interaction, but whatever you do, do it without harming the kids or interfering with parental visitation.

 

Practicing "No Contact"

Now no contact doesn't mean never talk to your ex. But it does mean that you should not pursue your ex. Doing so will push them away. Don't solicit mutual friends or your ex's family to talk to the ex. Talk to them if they are your friends, but don't give them missions, and don't ask them questions. Don't even talk to them about your ex unless they bring it up.

 

If your goal here is to reconcile, what you are trying to do is show your ex that you are independent and strong. You want them to see you in the best possible light. Every time you try to get them to see things your way, change their mind, or talk to you, you are pressuring them to do what you want. Everytime they see that they will run away. What you want is for it to be their idea.

 

If your ex sees that you are not pursuing they may have some doubts and come back to see how things are doing. This is the scouting party, coming to see how strong your forces are, get the lay of the land so to speak. This is not the time for you to undo everything you've accomplished. Don't overcommit or reveal your positions. Maintain your strong front, be polite, be strong and wait for the full force to show itself. This is war. The best way to win a battle is to never fight it. You need to absorb your enemy into your ranks and allay with him/her. So be cool, give your ex a comfortable feeling of warm fuzziness.

 

Don't you love all these mixed metaphors?

 

Dating

If your ex starts dating other people during this time, things get a little cloudier. They may still decide to come back, but they may decide that they can't because they were with someone else and wouldn't be welcome.

 

If you start dating, you may decide that your ex doesn't matter anymore. Or you may end up hurting someone else when you takes your ex back. If you don't start dating, you risk wasting your time for nothing. That may be best for you, you have to decide.

 

Your ex may actually be comforted by you dating other people while they do. Dating someone else will also level the field between the two of you and reduce possible feelings of jealousy when you get back together. If you are the jealous type, you have to put that behind you or you will destroy any hope of reconciliation when the opportunity presents itself.

 

The ex keeps calling while I'm trying to start no contact

Don't reply right away. But you should reply. Wait a day the first time, wait a little longer after that. Don't be rude, be casual. Gradually increase the time between callbacks. If the ex asks you to get back together, you need to decide if you still want that and then let them in slowly. Be careful. Don't jump back into bed right away. Set some boundaries and expectations of your own.

 

The ex calls after a period of no contact.

Don't reply right away. But you should reply. Wait a day the first time, wait a little longer after that. Don't be rude, be casual.

 

Leave the ball in their court to give them a comfort zone and a good image of you. Don't play games.

 

If you don't respond at all your ex may read that as you moving on.

 

Moving on

When you don't really value your relationship(s), it is easier to separate.

 

No contact can also be a method for revenge against a partner who wronged you or a self defense mechanism to deal with the emotions of the breakup. The dumper may use it to avoid facing their feelings about a person they don't want to be with, or the dumped may use it as a defense.

 

The problem is that when you are really in love and have legitimate reason to believe the other person may come back, the longer the no contact goes on the harder it is to deal with the separation. The mental pressure to do something continues to increase.

 

If you are up against an externally imposed deadline (your ex is moving away, changing jobs, etc.) you are going to eventually be forced to break the no contact policy or accept that you may never see or hear from them again.

 

At some point you have to move on. You can't just sit around and pine for the ex forever. Sure, you have to do it for awhile, but not forever. You did you duty. You gave it a more than reasonable effort. So if it's time, move on. Only you can decide when.

 

In the meantime, date someone else.

 

If the ex doesn't respond "no contact" will eventually turn into peace of mind for you. You've moved on. If they come back around it will be on your terms, or the answer will be no.

 

Reconciliation...

Once the dumper tries to comes back, the rules change. If they call, then they have changed or are thinking about changing their mind (whatever they might think) and the walls are coming down a bit. But your ex may just be feeling bad about what they did and trying to get some comfort for themself.

 

It doesn't matter, it shows that your ex is thinking about you. Keeping your ex at a distance lets them continue to lower the walls until eventually they are trying hard to get you back. So you talk, you are civil, you can state your terms, offer to take them back, but you cannot beg them to come back.

 

If your ex asks to try again, and you still want to then do it. But slowly.

 

Letting your ex in too easily may give them the illusion that they can just come back on their terms and take what they wants when they want. That's no kind of relationship. You have to let your ex into your world, but not have control of it. If they are going to come back it has to be on mutual terms, not their terms and not yours.

 

When in doubt

"No contact" should be considered a policy and not a rule. If you have any doubt, don't contact your ex. Listen to that little voice. Try to sit on things for a day or two before acting.