My Sister is a Drunk and Mom defends her

[Moose]

I'm so sick of it!!!! There are four of us kids in my Mother's fold. My older sister is a drunk and everyone knows it. I'm an alcohlic myself, so is my younger brother and sister although they won't admit it and they never go overboard when they do drink.

 

Deana, my older sister, called last night, drunk of course to complain about why her life is so messed up and of course it's everybody elses fault. She's been married thrice, the first time to her life long boyfriend Donnie, the second to Joe which produced 2 daughters that my wife I practically raised, and now the third time to Donnie again and they produced a son.

 

Donnie and my half brother Ben kicked Deana out because she was drunk 24/7 and not taking care of little Kenny. I can't blame him, after all, my wife and I took her two daughters in while she was on a binge. It didn't come as no surprise.

 

Well, here's the problem. She always calls me because my younger brother and sister just refuse to talk to her. I try to talk to her to find out how my nephew is doing. She calls and says that Donnie did this and did that and he's the one messed up in the head....yada, yada. Well, I finally just told her that everything that is happening in her life is her fault. She needs to dry up and take care of her child. She of course got very defensive saying that since I'm successfull I'm rubbing it in her face. I told her that I'm as much of a screw up as she is, but at least I admit it and I'm doing something about it.

 

My Mom emails me every morning here at the office to see how things are going with me and my brother, ( We own and operate an engineering firm ), and I told her about the conversation I had with Deana. That I just finally got tired of it and told her the way it is. She writes back saying, " do you have a clue what Deana is going through lately? The last thing she needed to hear is what's wrong with her. Right now she does not need anybody to criticize her, she needs support. Unless you live in a glass house, be careful what stones you throw."

 

Man, that really pissed me off!!! How dare she put me in the same catagory!!!! I wrote her back and all I said was, " Well, thanks for putting me in check, I started to write you a book but I don't see any use in it. Loce ya, Moose".

 

She writes back and tells me I need to support her. I'm not going to do it. If my Mom really cares and loves her, she would put her foot up Deana's butt and tell her to dry up!!!! That's my opinion, can I get some feed back?

 

Thanks

 

Moose

[HokeyReligions]

Ain't famblies great? (as my drunk father-in-law would say)

 

Don't talk to your mother about your siblings unless it is to say something positive. Refuse to engage in conversation with her if she brings them up and starts talking about their needs. Chage the subject. If your mother doesn't get the hint just tell her that you love her, but you are working on your own life right now and simply will not talk about the others.

 

If your nephew is in any danger, take steps to have him removed from the home legally. Or offer him a safe haven whenever he wants to get away from his parents and keep in confidential--just between you and the nephew.

 

Don't talk to your siblings unless it is a positive. Kids, school, new car, weather, etc. It may be trivial, but it is at least some contact.

 

Never suggest a lifestyle change to anyone or talk about your own lifestyle change.

 

 

These basic principles have worked in my family. Granted, we seldom see each other (haven't seen or heard from the FIL in about 8 years. Sent him an invitation to his only son's college graduation (in 2000) and he refused to attend. He thought college was a waste of time and snooty, which is why his son was nearly 50 when he graduated!

 

 

Anyway, separate yourself as much as you can (and you can do a LOT more than you think is possible) and take care of yourself. Don't get pulled in to petty and childish arguments that serve no purpose except to hurt feelings and make people angry.

[zoomer]

Moose: I have read enough of your replies to know that you... are a noble man...and you will work through this anger just fine! Remember what you've said about forgiveness...and try to apply that to your sister.

 

We tend to judge or hold our family to higher standard sometimes than we do strangers. (If that made sense) meaning...we are much more harsh to our own family members and to those we love than others. Step back and think about how you can help this woman (your sister) if she were just a neighbor, friend, or acquaintance...maybe you would handle things differently.

 

ABOVE ALL, Do not let anyone get to you, it's not worth it. Take a deep breath and do something to let the anger go... Good Luck and I would have to agree with limiting the conversation of siblings with your mother.

[Moose]

Thanks Zoomer, I appreciate it....it's hard to help her, I'm in Missouri and she's in Florida....I do forgive my Sister, it's my Mom that I can't believe....I know that she defends each and every one of us, it's her job to do so. But how do I make her see that supporting Deana right now is like telling her that it's ok to do what she's doing?

 

I just wish Mom would finally tell Deana that she needs to put the bottle down and clean her life up......any suggestions???

[zoomer]

Unfortunately parents can't see that "protecting" their children sometimes hurts them. I've seen so many people protect and defend their children when in fact, they are shielding themselves from the truth and hurting the child. Just like putting out an adult child who is worthless...won't work, etc., would be extremely difficult but yet, it might...just might...make them see the light and show them responsibility and what life is really about. This doesn't always work. Your mother will have to see for herself what your sister is doing. How old is your sister's child? Perhaps he/she could vent to grandma about mom....that would certainly be someone she couldn't shut out or get angry with for talking about her.

 

You might try a heart to heart with her telling her that you realize how she must feel since that is her daughter you are talking about but you certainly aren't trying to belittle her in any way, you just want to make sure she see's the seriousness in the problem and you are willing and want to help if you can. Be careful of the words you choose, not to be condescending. Assure her that you are supportive of her receiving help but you also know that one who doesn't want to be helped, will not accept it. That is when intervention by someone has to come in to play, especially if she is causing herself or others danger.

 

I certainly don't have the answers but it's worth a try with mom. If she's caring and sensitive, like she sounds, I bet she will accept a calm, and open conversation. Good Luck

[Moose]

Thanks Zoomer, your awesome!!!! Unfortunatley little Kenny is only 13 months old. But I will take your advice about talking to Mom, you gave me some great ideas....Thanks!!!

[zoomer]

Your Welcome, hope it works and I certainly hope your sister sees the light before a real disaster happens in her life. Sooo sad for Little Kenny. Does she have him or is he with his dad? He is the one suffering...you might clue your mom in on that too...he needs her and he needs her sober! Gosh, I just hate to hear her acting so stupid. Good Luck to you and I will keep your family in my prayers! That will help too!

[Moose]

Zoomer,

Little Kenny is with his Dad. And yes, I do believe in the power of prayer. Thanks again!!!!

[Fayebelle]

One other thought- perhaps you can ask your mom to go out with you one night. Take her to dinner and then stop by a local meeting of ALANON. If she gets upset -tell her you think it might help her support you. Once she sits in and hears the stories of children affected by alcoholic parents she may be able to see past supporting her daughter to saving her grandchildren. Sometimes it's easier to recognize probs in other families and if she can just compare in instead of comparing out she may help support her daughter right into recovery.

[lydiamarie]

Originally posted by Fayebelle

Once she sits in and hears the stories of children affected by alcoholic parents she may be able to see past supporting her daughter to saving her grandchildren.

 

it's supportive to help someone straighten out their life and get sober, not condone their irresponsible and selfdestructive behavior.

 

alcoholism is everywhere in my family. al-anon helped a lot. dealing with your own alcoholism is completely different from dealing without someone else's. al-anon gives you the tools to recognize and respond to manipulative behaviour. even if your mother won't go with you, go for yourself and for your family.