First Broken Heart - This is a Book

[jcp62]

Background: We are both 20 years old and in college (she will be transferring to my college, even though we are broken up, for the Spring 2013 semester). We were friends all throughout high school and dated for three months before we broke up (she initiated the breakup when she found out from a mutual friend I was planning on breaking up with her) in the beginning of our junior year. After spending all of our junior year apart (we made out once during that school year), I pursued her again and we began dating just before our senior year started. We had been dating for almost 3 years (33 months really) before this all happened.

 

We were both virgins (not anymore!) and had a very jealous/puppy dog love in the first year of dating. We have dealt with all sorts of issues (family/friend related, issues with our future, etc.), and even though some of the fights have been bad, we've always wanted to/have worked things out. While dealing with all of our issues, we grew together as a couple and also as individuals. I have become such a better bf/person because of this relationship and was hoping on always bettering myself and our relationship until the day I died.

 

We both felt a tremendous amount of love for each other and could talk casually about our future together. One of our favorite things to do was joke around about what to name our kids. We were both expecting/assuming/wanting to be married and live a wonderful life together. Our motto when it came to our relationship was "Don't quit" which meant that regardless of what hell we were going through, we both understood that our relationship was worth it and that we absolutely were meant to be with each other. Even if this meant counseling or whatever, we would exhaust all possibilities before calling it quits.

 

The Story (with a little more background): About two weeks ago we were talking on the phone and I was reading to her some articles I had found on a website about evolutionary psychology and sex. The articles basically said that relationships were failing so much nowadays because we were biologically meant to be polygamous (both men and women). After saying goodnight, I called her back and told her that although these articles may be founded in some truth, that I wasn't suggesting we should have a sexually open relationship or anything like that because I absolutely adored her and wanted no one else except her.

 

She then told me that over the past week she had been flirting with one of her coworkers and lusted after him a lot. I took this as her cheating on me and got really upset (we didn't get into a big yelling match though). I remembered, however, how I had done something similar earlier in our relationship. I told her about this when it had happened and just stopped flirting with the girl because I knew it was just a fleeting, stupid thing. I told her that she should just stop flirting with him and not really worry about her thoughts because we all "wonder" in her thoughts.

 

She told me that she didn't want to stop and that she liked the attention from the other guy. This really, really upset me and I don't really remember much of the conversation after that. What bothers me is not that she wanted to flirt with this kid (total doucher btw) or that she didn't want to stop, but that she wasn't willing to stop acting upon her lust. I know that we all think about other people and may even really want to pursue something, but it is the acting upon such a desire that really got me.

 

We spent the whole next two days discussing everything, and she eventually concluded that she just wanted to break up with me to "be selfish" and not worry about what she did in the sense of not having to be held accountable to me for her actions. She said she needed to find herself and felt that all her life people were shaping how she should think about what.

 

This really blows my top because we had so much invested in this relationship - our families were close (her brothers were my younger brothers I never had and my sisters were her younger sisters she never had), I signed a lease assuming she would be living with me next year, we were going to the same school, etc - and she felt like I was acting crazy about her wanting to break up.

 

I understand that we were young, but we still had made a commitment to each other that I had every intention to uphold (she probably thought so to). I also get that we may not have been meant to be, but you have to understand that I knew she was my soulmate and she knew I was hers. I thought she was being who she really was around me and that part of who she really was, was my soulmate.

 

If we were to see each other right now, we would have a fun time together, which is what makes this so hard. She also has sent me texts (after she asked for NC) saying that I should "assume we are getting back together" and that "she still wants to marry me." I thought she might have compromised and we would just take a break and not be out looking to date other people. She said that she probably wasn't going to see other people (including her coworker), but that she needed to still have that option. After she said that, I told her that if she still needed that option, even if her whole goal was to find herself, that I didn't want to ever date her again because I couldn't accept her just going out and seeing other people while telling me she still wanted to marry me.

 

Basically I feel angry, hurt, betrayed, sad, depressed, and strung out. I really don't think that I will find someone like this girl. I think she will realize what a mistake she has made. To be blunt, and not at all arrogant, I'm an attractive guy that takes care of my body, I'm a very moral (not religious though) person, I'm looking forward to being a great dad and husband and having a loving family, I'm preparing for MCATs because I'm going into medicine, and I've become such an understanding/non-confrontational/calm individual that she can talk to about anything and not be judged but be loved unconditionally. I guess I needed to tell you those things because I'm feeling a little insecure/inferior since she wants to be able to see other people and because of her lust for her coworker.

 

I know this post doesn't get across that point that I'm broken-hearted and madly in love with this girl, but trust me, I am. I've spent every night this past week in tears and I just can't pick myself up and bull through the rest of this semester. Words cannot describe the pain I have and the emptiness that is in my heart. I need this girl just because.

 

So, two things I want to hear about. One, assume she does go out and get with other people and then wants to get back with me after realizing "what a huge mistake she made yada yada yada..." what should I do (what would you do)? Two, assume she never talks to me again, how do I go about healing and does this mean she is definitely not the one for me, or that she could be the "one that got away?"

 

Thanks for sticking with me through this novel of a story!

Edited April 7, 2012 by jcp62

[HollyBolly]

Glad you ****ed. This IS a book. What can I say?

 

You are young. It may seem like the end of the world now, but it isn't. Take it from me and ALL the others here who are older, and have been hurt. You WILL find happiness again just like we will. Work on healing yourself, babe.

[chris24]

Crazy how much YOUR story is very similar to mine. I'm 20, she's 20 - I'm transferring to the university she goes to, even though we are now broke up, we became friends in high school, dated for awhile broke up after 6 months, had a class together next trimester of school, got back together and were dating 2 weeks short of 3 years, casually talked about our futures. In those aspects, our situations were very similar.

 

My ex is a design student for architecture and was very busy, so we started to grow apart naturally. Even though we tried, and tried, things just weren't the same. A week after her birthday, she broke down and admitted to having an innocent crush that went nowhere but felt terrible about it, probably because she knew she couldn't pursue it, even if she wanted to. Two weeks later, we were broken up and she wanted to focus on school. Then a week later, she told me she fell out of love completely with me. My situation, is unlike a lot though, both me and my ex will be living in the same town again this summer and she wants to give this a chance then; kind of like she realized things couldn't work now, but considered the chance in the future.

 

Either way, I hurt, I cried, I was all sorts of depressed. It has been two months since our breakup and each day it has become a little easier. I have lost 25 lbs from working out and changing my eating habits, I have found a new love for reading, listened to new music - all things about ME. Everyone will tell you that, it's time to focus on you, no matter if you think they're coming back or not. I have done a lot of soul searching myself and am so happy I did. I realized a lot of things I like about myself, things I don't like, and things I want to change.

 

We're both young and whether you believe it or not, there are others out there, its just really hard to believe that right now.

[N0where]

OK boys.. and I'm allowed to say that..

 

You need to realize something.. these girls do not love you.. they want to "see what out there" have cake and eat it too. Forget them, they DO NOT LOVE you. They are keeping you on the backburner, just in case all new guys don't work out.

 

How does one "find themself" by sleeping around? It's not like your car keys, one day I just lost myself. These girls are unhappy, and they think these new studs are the answer. If you wait around for them you are wasting your time, and going to experience TONS of pain and suffering.

 

Ok so they realize they made mistakes and you are really nice guys, and you get married and have 3 kids and then what.. they get bored again and go to find themselves again? Go the the DIVORCE section of LS, it does happen.

 

Respect yourselves, don't be doormats! You guys need to MAN up and realize these girls are USING YOU. The sooner you call it quits (for good) the sooner you will start healing. Get on with your life and find someone who WANTS to be with YOU. That's what you deserve, and you are both young enough to have multiple chances and finding that person.

 

You can also search for "GIGS" but I don't necessarily buy into it.

[chris24]

Just to be clear, in my case, my ex never pursued anything past 'crushing' on him - never talked outside of class, never saw each other outside of class and didn't want anything to come from it. My ex, I know her well enough to know, she is not sleeping around, and she would never do that to 'find herself'. Seeing the pressure and expectations of her major at school, I can see how she lost her sanity.

 

I agree though, it's never fun to wait around and be the back burner guy and that's not what I'm trying to do - I've gone out, met other girls, talked to other girls, so its not like I'm sitting here on tooth and nail, waiting for summer to roll around.

 

Every girl / guy and situation may have their similarities, but they are also very different.

[N0where]

Yes everybody's specific situation is different, but that patterns and the results are always the same..

 

check out this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/320953-my-7yr-relationship-over-good

 

Also, read through this forum, you will find MANY stories, that are very similar.

 

I feel your pain (happened to me to..)

 

This is a good read too:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/258925-me

 

Respect yourself, don't put up with this BS.

[jcp62]

To be honest, I do believe my ex when she says she wants to go out and find out who she is with or without me in her life, and that she feel a large part of who she was, was created through ideas other people wanted her to think. I don't think that she planned on finding herself by dating other people (that seems a little counterproductive to most anyone I would assume). It was just the fact that she could: say she wanted to go do her own thing and find herself, have the option to see other people, and still say she wanted to continue our relationship at some point. That was the point of bull---- for me.

[jcp62]

Hey good stuff on the threads you posted. It feels eerily familiar to something I just wrote...I can't help but lol at how weird relationships are in general. I think right now the best thing for me is just time off from the dating scene. If something happens then it happens, but I'm just going to worry about me right now

[budley12]

similar story here as well. We are both 20, and we dated 3 years (we too were each others first loves). We lived in the same dorms, traveled the country, had future plans, etc... He started taking a different path than mine and since he has never been with anyone else before I think he was getting cold feet as we were becoming more and more serious. Our ex's may have a case of GIGS (there are many posts on that on here).

 

my BU was 4months ago and I still miss him so much. It is so hard seeing him on campus especially when hes in a new relationship. We shared all the same friends and I feel completely alone. To make it worse I hear how happy he is without me and how is new relationship is. It sucks. With that being said though I am trying to find myself again and as each day goes on I am seeing how much I was really losing myself. NC has truly helped me -I am at around 8 or 9 weeks (starting to lose track which I guess is a good thing). We all have to stay strong, we will get through this