Nikki Sahagin Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 If you've ever felt you had 'the one' or that a woman was special, what things happened that caused you to bond with her and make her stand out from other women? Just interested...
Woggle Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 When he truly feels he can trust her and be himself around her.
musemaj11 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I found her attractive and she had compatible personality. I have met plenty of attractive women. But I can tell the feeling is different when their personalities dont match mine. There is no connection. Only lust.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 When he truly feels he can trust her and be himself around her. How long would you say this process took for you? Obviously it's different for everyone.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I would say personally It's an involuntary emotional connection with someone that you feel goes beyond the normal barriers and that you're not seeking to create. It's not something you're trying to fabricate, it's not an idealistic dream or a goal for me to find love with just anyone, and often times at least for myself I didn't even expect it or see it coming...and that's how I want it to be, I want it to be the real thing. I'm not the type of person to be with someone I'm so-so into then try and force myself and hope that this will turn into a deep romance, I don't just give someone a chance for the sake of developing emotions for them...personally I think people are kind of wired to develop emotions for people, maybe it's a survival thing in case you're the two last people on earth but I'm not really sure why so many people are surprised they develop emotions for people that at first they didn't like If you start sleeping with them, getting to know them, investing emotionally and spending a lot of time with them If they're half-decent people. However I think men are much better at keeping a lid on it, in the end they can't just melt over to that next level just because. And I can pretty much always tell when It's a certain woman that really has the potential to affect me. There's just something about her that gets to me, she has the right combination of factors, and she's not trying to because the things that I love about her she doesn't even realize she is doing...you love her personality, and who she is, someone that you find attractive/appealing, intriguing, intelligent and just has a way of getting through to you that isn't easy to deflect. That's the key there, the ability to get under your defenses...I think men have a natural repellent and try to stay emotionally distanced from women in part because women want it all so fast and easily, and they really don't even know you. And I'm not just a blank face, I'm not just "a person" that you want to love you and me to love you...I believe in finding the right person for me, not just whoever I can develop emotions for...I don't feel desperate and wouldn't sacrifice what I really want to settle. There have been people that affected me, some for very valid reasons and others It just happened that way. I think a lot of times women are trying to earn your love and affection by trying to show you how much they can love you, how well they can treat you, and bend to your will and what they think you want...but that's not what gets to a man...many of those types of things many women do so it's not exactly separating yourselves from the pack as much as you think you are doing....In fact a lot of times It blends you into the normalcy rather than separates you. Another big thing is when a woman has a positive impact on you and you decide you want to be a better man, or makes him see his own faults, someone who really understands and compliments him and has a way helping him reflect and understand his faults...and helps him work through those things. A kind of yin and yang. I'm always myself and I'm always pretty trusting, so at least for me those aren't rarities, I don't try to be anyone else for a woman, I can't remember the last time I had to think about trying to earn someones affection or be who they wanted me to be, that's just not the kind of person I am. Instead I'd rather concentrate on being the best man I can and want to be, and If you like me you like me and you don't you don't, but I think I have good intentions. So If this is somebody really special, then my emotions cross over a line and into another level. You just happen to have the right code to get through to me on a deeper level, and it's not because you're trying, you're just being you. I think when a man really loves a woman for her, when she's the right person and he doesn't try to change her, he accepts her for the way she is and wants to make her happy and give her the things she wants and needs. He isn't trying to mold her into the "perfect girl". What things happened that caused you to bond with her and make her stand out from other women? - the way it felt to look at her and the way she looked at me, there was something in her eyes - the way it felt to hold it her and be with her...was more than just a physical presence - the way I couldn't forget about her and she was always on my mind, and I always rushed home to be with her at the end of the day - the way she always managed to look beautiful and amazing to me no matter what she looked like that day or what she was wearing - the way she made me feel, the way she opened my mind - the way she taught me how to stop thinking and just feel and live in the moment - the way she always stood out in a crowd and even though other women may be beautiful they didn't stick in my mind like her - the way she helped me realize how she made me feel so strongly that I felt threatened and had to push her away and sabotage the relationship because I was scared of losing control...so scared that I ended up running away. - the way she taught me everything about myself in the end What did she do to stand out from other women?... What didn't she do.. And ultimately therefore not only did I fail her...I really failed myself 8
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Ninja, thanks for such an incredible answer. You really elaborated there and I completely agree with all your points, especially the way someone looks at you and you look back. There really is 'something' in the eyes that's hard to decipher, maybe that's why they call them the windows to the soul. PS...I think we all get a little scared when we feel we have a love that's too good to be true.
Pyro Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 If you've ever felt you had 'the one' or that a woman was special, what things happened that caused you to bond with her and make her stand out from other women? Just interested... The attraction for starters and then after talking to her and realizing that we have a lot of similar interests and when it comes to morals and values we share a lot of those as well. Being able to easily communicate with her as well is a big plus as well.
Pierre Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 If you've ever felt you had 'the one' or that a woman was special, what things happened that caused you to bond with her and make her stand out from other women? Just interested... Brain imprints developed in childhood will affect the preferred physical appearance. A woman that meets the man's emotional needs. Personality. Matching socio-economic status (not always) Similar level of expectations. At a subconscious level: Ability to give healthy offspring.
RedRobin Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 At a subconscious level: Ability to give healthy offspring. I suspect that at the end of this thread, I'll be reminded why I prefer having men as friends rather than have a 'relationship' with them.
wwwjd Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I suspect that at the end of this thread, I'll be reminded why I prefer having men as friends rather than have a 'relationship' with them. heh. do you think the line you quoted from Pierre is incorrect? You are female, right?
RedRobin Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 heh. do you think the line you quoted from Pierre is incorrect? You are female, right? While you were posting, I was editing mine to add.... ...but coming from a family with very long-lasting marriages and men who are devoted to their wives...even though they are LONG past the age of giving healthy offspring... I have observed... The ability and willingness to face life's challenges together. Giving the benefit of the doubt. Taking care of yourself, each other, and nurturing a healthy sense of self-respect and respect for others. Finding someone new and attractive to f*ck every few years takes nothing special. Not from men, not from women. Do I think it is incorrect? I'd say he's not really 'bonding' at all. Yep.
Pierre Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I suspect that at the end of this thread, I'll be reminded why I prefer having men as friends rather than have a 'relationship' with them. That is why I said subconscious:laugh:.
carhill Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 For myself, it's generally been through the process of sharing our vulnerabilities, our humanity and the totality (or so I believed) of our spirits and bodies. I recall, after enough of such 'sharings' going south, trying something different, a bond on a less deep level, and my marriage resulted from that. Oops...
RedRobin Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 That is why I said subconscious:laugh:. oh, aaaallright... (men!! GRR!!)
wwwjd Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 What causes a man to bond with a woman? Money. HA! Sorry, had to get that in because inside my head it was really funny. Maybe here in black and white, not so much... I dunno.... .... moving on...
KathyM Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I asked my husband why he chose me over other women. He had plenty of girlfriends in his life prior to meeting me, but he was never in love with any of them and had never told any other woman before that he loved them, because he never had those feelings for other girlfriends. He said my personality clicked with him. Appearance may be what attracts a person initially, but if your personality is a match and is also attractive to him, then that is what causes men to bond with women.
Pierre Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 oh, aaaallright... (men!! GRR!!) From the point of view of evolution we date to preserve the species and to propagate our genes. Attraction, sex, bonding, and love are tricks of nature to make us pass our genes. 1
daphne Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 - the way she helped me realize how she made me feel so strongly that I felt threatened and had to push her away and sabotage the relationship because I was scared of losing control...so scared that I ended up running away. Does this mean you ultimately did run away? Or that she helped you overcome the fear? There were a couple of men I wanted to run from but for some goofy reason I didn't. But it wasn't because they were the right one...
fucpcg Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Every long term relationship I had, the girl was my best friend as equally my lover. Finding sexual and personality chemistry is not easy to find, that's why people who go in and out of relationships honestly aren't setting and sticking to standards, they are just most likely feeding the NEED to be with someone. It's rare I get past 1-3 dates with a girl, because I can either see it's there (the possibility of real connection), or it's not. My most recent ex, we were obviously very attracted to each other. We eventually found out we were sexually compatible as well. On a personal level, we had the same sense of humor, we played softball, volleyball, tennis together. We hiked, biked, swimming, kayaked, rollerblade, etc together. We loved to hang out in the kitchen and cook together. Beyond all the shared activities, for me what I just miss most is holding her hand, seeing her smile, and having her fall asleep on my chest. What does that mean? A personal bond. Yes I'd love to sleep with her again, I'd love to have my activities partner back. Those are two wonderful things. But if I had one more day to share with her, I would be soo happy to just lay in bed with her and play with her hair, here her voice, and feel her energy. I understand the question is how does that connection happen, well it happens only when you are with a person that you can see in a light I just described. For me it's happened 5 times in 42 years now. I said to a friend once, talking about finding the right person and how to go about it, I said to her just look honestly at what a person has to offer, vs what you want from them. Don't look to see if you can find in someone the things you want, sit back an observe and see what they are presenting. If you don't see what you are looking for, don't keep digging deeper, keep looking elsewhere. 2
Woggle Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 How long would you say this process took for you? Obviously it's different for everyone. It took me a few months actually. My instincts are good and she really proved herself when she stuck around after my ex went complete off the deep end.
FitChick Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 From the point of view of evolution we date to preserve the species and to propagate our genes. Attraction, sex, bonding, and love are tricks of nature to make us pass our genes. But we can fool Mother Nature by using birth control.
RedRobin Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 From the point of view of evolution we date to preserve the species and to propagate our genes. Attraction, sex, bonding, and love are tricks of nature to make us pass our genes. I guess homosexuals and anyone past breeding age are just fooling themselves that they are in love then?
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Does this mean you ultimately did run away? Or that she helped you overcome the fear? There were a couple of men I wanted to run from but for some goofy reason I didn't. But it wasn't because they were the right one... Yes it meant I ultimately ran away. She didn't help me overcome that fear, that's something that I've got to take responsibility for, it wasn't anything that she did that instituted that fear. It was when I was feeling too vulnerable and like she was getting too close that I had to figure out how to push her out, and when that didn't work I disconnected and essentially pushed her far enough away that she eventually gave up and moved on, of course with me sabotaging the relationship and getting out of it and doing everything I could to save myself from that vulnerability. Of course at the time I didn't fully break that all down, I had always pushed women away emotionally which is always how I could go so deeply into a romance and pull myself out of it, I always had that emergency cord that I could pull that would get me out in a rush, but with her it was much more difficult. So as far as someone being "the one", a lot of times I either avoided the women I felt this way about the most where I could see that potential...engaged with women that didn't move me emotionally all that much, and ended up sabotaging the relationships I was in that did have a potential to go farther, in particular one where I went the furthest because she was good at breaking me down and getting through to me but ultimately the fear beat out the desire to go even further emotionally...therefore emotionally there is a lot I haven't discovered about myself (although I can see it, the potential there was) I was all about a romance and love but not when it crossed a certain line and that's when I ejected like a pilot from a jet.
daphne Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Yes it meant I ultimately ran away. She didn't help me overcome that fear, that's something that I've got to take responsibility for, it wasn't anything that she did that instituted that fear. It was when I was feeling too vulnerable and like she was getting too close that I had to figure out how to push her out, and when that didn't work I disconnected and essentially pushed her far enough away that she eventually gave up and moved on, of course with me sabotaging the relationship and getting out of it and doing everything I could to save myself from that vulnerability. Of course at the time I didn't fully break that all down, I had always pushed women away emotionally which is always how I could go so deeply into a romance and pull myself out of it, I always had that emergency cord that I could pull that would get me out in a rush, but with her it was much more difficult. So as far as someone being "the one", a lot of times I either avoided the women I felt this way about the most where I could see that potential...engaged with women that didn't move me emotionally all that much, and ended up sabotaging the relationships I was in that did have a potential to go farther, in particular one where I went the furthest because she was good at breaking me down and getting through to me but ultimately the fear beat out the desire to go even further emotionally...therefore emotionally there is a lot I haven't discovered about myself (although I can see it, the potential there was) I was all about a romance and love but not when it crossed a certain line and that's when I ejected like a pilot from a jet. I wonder what made you this way. Do you think you've been able to change? I know I've been fearful after a bad breakup in the past. I just can't imagine allowing that to affect me past a certain point of healing. I don't want to have any regrets that way.
Recommended Posts