Struggling after breaking up with Other Man

[Dog Woman]

I have just ended an emotional affair with another man a week ago. We had decided to end our physical affair a couple of months ago but he still wanted to have contact with me as friends but it has become clear recently that he was still treating me as a girlfriend, which I could not cope with. I have and will cross paths with him again as we both show dogs at similar venues, this is how we met.

 

I am trying to focus on my marriage and my hobbies but I am finding this hard. My marriage isn't the happiest and hasn't been for a long time and I realise I made a big mistake having an affair.

 

I haven't told my husband or any of my family or friends about the affair. Up until a week ago I felt I could cope. I was even civil to my ex AP when I bumped into him and his wife in a situation I couldnt have avoided if I had tried. However in the last few days I have been very tearful and depressed and I just cant seem to snap out of it and cant understand why I feel the way I do.

[woinlove]

I have just ended an emotional affair with another man a week ago. We had decided to end our physical affair a couple of months ago but he still wanted to have contact with me as friends but it has become clear recently that he was still treating me as a girlfriend, which I could not cope with. I have and will cross paths with him again as we both show dogs at similar venues, this is how we met.

 

I am trying to focus on my marriage and my hobbies but I am finding this hard. My marriage isn't the happiest and hasn't been for a long time and I realise I made a big mistake having an affair.

 

I haven't told my husband or any of my family or friends about the affair. Up until a week ago I felt I could cope. I was even civil to my ex AP when I bumped into him and his wife in a situation I couldnt have avoided if I had tried. However in the last few days I have been very tearful and depressed and I just cant seem to snap out of it and cant understand why I feel the way I do.

 

I think it is understandable that your feel very tearful and depressed. You have to interact with your H while keeping your betrayal a secret and you just saw your xAP and his W, so you had to pretend with them too. That would be awful but for the most heartless person who simply doesn't care. You likely feel guilt and shame and keeping those bottled up can certainly lead to depression. If I were in your shoes, I would start by telling my H the truth and I would seek out a counsellor, for myself, and for my H and I, if he were still willing to give the M another try. What are your plans for moving forward? Do you plan on telling your H? Are you in IC?

[MissBee]

Hey Dog Woman,

 

Have you broken up with anyone else before? I don't know about you, but for me, break ups/cutting contact with anyone you had an emotional attachment to (bf, husband, AP, FWB) is usually very difficult and hurtful. So how you're feeling is not abnormal, especially if you only stopped the EA a week ago.

 

I agree that perhaps telling your husband the truth and seeking M counseling will help you to purge yourself and give your marriage an honest try and have something o work on. I cannot personally imagine ending an A and staying in my marriage and somehow trying to work on it without coming clean. It's hard to secretly mourn an A while trying to work on your marriage. So as scary as it might feel, I'd begin to think about where I want my marriage to go and how I can get there and possibly purging myself by telling the whole truth.

[Dog Woman]

Hey Dog Woman,

 

Have you broken up with anyone else before? I don't know about you, but for me, break ups/cutting contact with anyone you had an emotional attachment to (bf, husband, AP, FWB) is usually very difficult and hurtful. So how you're feeling is not abnormal, especially if you only stopped the EA a week ago.

 

I agree that perhaps telling your husband the truth and seeking M counseling will help you to purge yourself and give your marriage an honest try and have something o work on. I cannot personally imagine ending an A and staying in my marriage and somehow trying to work on it without coming clean. It's hard to secretly mourn an A while trying to work on your marriage. So as scary as it might feel, I'd begin to think about where I want my marriage to go and how I can get there and possibly purging myself by telling the whole truth.

 

Yes I have broken up with boyfriends in the past but never felt like this. As someone has already mentioned, I do feel ashamed and guilty. I just want to be able to close the door on the affair. I have thought about sending his wife an anonymous letter but I am not a vindictive person. I think what I need to do mentally is focus on the bad times with my AP and not the good. When I think back, he wasn't much of a friend: if I turned to him for support if I was having a bad day, he didn't want to know. He only wanted to communicate if I was bright and bubbly and flirty, yet he would wish me well before a dog show and tell me he was proud of me if I got placed with my dogs. To me that he wasnt being a true friend. My definition of a true friend is someone who is loyal and is there for you no matter what. He was very cold at times.

 

I also remember his last text after I said I could no longer be his girlfriend. He accused me of not being able to cope with an affair and that I wanted all or nothing and that he wanted to back off but couldnt because he thought I wouldnt cope. He was very good at turning the tables and shifting all responsibility on to me.

 

I am not sure where I want my marriage to go. I think I have just about given up on it and I am looking at my options now. The problem is I still care very much about my husband but don't love him and haven't loved him for some time.

[wannabdone]

Yes I have broken up with boyfriends in the past but never felt like this. As someone has already mentioned, I do feel ashamed and guilty. I just want to be able to close the door on the affair. I have thought about sending his wife an anonymous letter but I am not a vindictive person. I think what I need to do mentally is focus on the bad times with my AP and not the good. When I think back, he wasn't much of a friend: if I turned to him for support if I was having a bad day, he didn't want to know. He only wanted to communicate if I was bright and bubbly and flirty, yet he would wish me well before a dog show and tell me he was proud of me if I got placed with my dogs. To me that he wasnt being a true friend. My definition of a true friend is someone who is loyal and is there for you no matter what. He was very cold at times.

 

I also remember his last text after I said I could no longer be his girlfriend. He accused me of not being able to cope with an affair and that I wanted all or nothing and that he wanted to back off but couldnt because he thought I wouldnt cope. He was very good at turning the tables and shifting all responsibility on to me.

 

I am not sure where I want my marriage to go. I think I have just about given up on it and I am looking at my options now. The problem is I still care very much about my husband but don't love him and haven't loved him for some time.

 

 

Dog woman, I am sorry for your pain.

 

After reading this, what did you get from this man?

 

I think IMO the best way to get through something is not necessarily "focusing" on bad points, but more focusing on you. What was it that got you into this and staying in it? What was missing in you that you would put yourself in such a situation?

 

If you really can work through the issues that you have, you can come to peace with it.

 

It will still hurt. Idk why it does, but man does it. I wish peace for you.

[Gentlegirl2]

Dog Woman,

 

You can't just snap out of it. It will take time to get over the feelings you have and the pain of breaking away.

 

It is nothing like any other break up I have ever had.

 

Feeling are far more intense.

 

I can be done. It must be very diffucult not to have anybody to talk to.

It's a good idea to keep post here on LS.

 

Most of us have been through some aspect of an A and mostly people here are very supportive. You will get different points of view but that's food for thought.

 

HOpe you come back here..

 

GG

[Dog Woman]

Dog woman, I am sorry for your pain.

 

After reading this, what did you get from this man?

 

I think IMO the best way to get through something is not necessarily "focusing" on bad points, but more focusing on you. What was it that got you into this and staying in it? What was missing in you that you would put yourself in such a situation?

 

If you really can work through the issues that you have, you can come to peace with it.

 

It will still hurt. Idk why it does, but man does it. I wish peace for you.

 

The other guy gave me confidence, something I don't get from my husband, who is jealous of my successful career, that fact I have supportive friends and family. My husband through no fault of his own had to retire from work through ill health and is bitter about it. Our sex life is non existent because of on going medical problems he has. Most of the time I feel I am just his carer, cook and cleaner.

 

The other guy made me step back and take a good look at myself and I realised I could regain the confidence I had before I married my husband 8 years ago.I felt a different person knowing the other guy, I felt alive, respected and I regained my self belief. It wasn't just about the sex or feeling sexy again. He never once made me feel cheap. We liked eachother a lot and felt, given time, we could probably love eachother and said we just met at the wrong time of life.

 

We did talk about the possibility of us leaving our spouses eventually and getting together but decided we both had far too much to loose financially and we would jeopardise any good relationships we had with family and friends. I have decided that if I do get together with anyone else then I'll make sure I am single again first but I just wish I could regain my confidence without having an affair.

[Dog Woman]

Dog Woman,

 

You can't just snap out of it. It will take time to get over the feelings you have and the pain of breaking away.

 

It is nothing like any other break up I have ever had.

 

Feeling are far more intense.

 

I can be done. It must be very diffucult not to have anybody to talk to.

It's a good idea to keep post here on LS.

 

Most of us have been through some aspect of an A and mostly people here are very supportive. You will get different points of view but that's food for thought.

 

HOpe you come back here..

 

GG

I am looking at going to counselling, just need to find a suitable counsellor as the one I have been to in the past is not practising at the moment due to ill health. I will keep posting on LF as hearing different points of view and learning about other peoples' experiences is very useful at the moment.

[Dog Woman]

I haven't been on LS for a while and have been coping quite well following the break up from the OM. However, about a month a go our paths crossed again and we starting just texting again and occasionally phoning but not seeing eachother alone. However I found the texts have been one way traffic with OM texting went he felt like it but not responding to any of my texts. Last night at an event OM and my OH ended up chatting and I just couldn't cope especially as hubby and I have been rowing a lot lately and our marriage is going through another bad patch. Today I have asked OM to not text me again as I want no contact even though he doesnt want us to end and doesn't want to fall out with me. I just dont feel the same and feel no contact is best for me and I'm kicking myself for recommencing the contact about a month ago.

[skywriter]

So you realise that contact was a set back for you. Forgive yourself and go NC again.

[Dog Woman]

OM is aware my marriage is strugging again and doesn't want to know anyway. He said that it would be wrong to sleep with me as he said Im vulnerable and it wouldnt be right for me to sleep with anyone else either. He's basically told me to sort my life out!

[skywriter]

Well that says something good about him. He may be correct, you would know. Listen to him and be good to yourself.

[Dog Woman]

Well that says something good about him. He may be correct, you would know. Listen to him and be good to yourself.

 

He's right and he's just trying to be a friend deep down. I am just struggling to put the affair behind me, deal with a rocky marriage and try and see some good in OM. Im finding easier to block him out though he's still wanting me to keep in touch. I have decided to take a step back from everything, take a deep breath and move forward a step at a time.

[skywriter]

Dog Woman,

 

I'm inclined to say that many of us here, have put the cart before the horse in matters of our choices. So you saying, " I have decided to take a step back from everything, take a deep breath and move forward a step at a time". Sounds very sensible to me.

 

This is what alot of us have , had to do. When we do this, we can attract the best kind of people and mostly make the better choices in life. Things just seem to fall into place in life more often.

 

When we look back and reflect, we might ask ourselves why we chose to inflict such unnecessary nonsense upon ourselves and possibly the people who care about us as well.

[Dog Woman]

The OM does care but I realise he doesn't want me leaning on him with my problems and I am just ending up frustrated at him for not responding to texts. I have contacted two very good girl friends today. One I have offloaded to about my marriage problems and the other I'll have a girlie chat with. The problem I have is that one knows the OM quite well so I can't discuss him or the affair with them.

Edited May 24, 2012 by Dog Woman

[Owl]

I'd like to suggest this...

 

You've been in TWO 'bad relationships' recently from the sounds of it...your affair, and your marriage.

 

You've ended one.

 

What are you going to do about the other?

 

I'd heartily suggest that now is a good time to examine your motives in staying in the marriage, and evaluate whether at this point it makes sense to get out...or to step up and INSIST on changes and improvements.

 

If it's not satisfactory...get it right, or get out.

 

Don't be afraid to INSIST on what you need.

 

I don't care if you decide to stay and fix it, or end it...the choice there is yours. But I'd suggest giving some serious thought to that choice...figure out your goal, develop a plan to reach your goal...and focus real hard on implementing that plan, whatever it is.

[skywriter]

Oh Sweetie,

 

I know exactly where you're coming from. I only had one or two confidantes and unfortunantly one of those I've lost contact with.

 

Hell, she was probably tired of it anyway. The other , well, I always feel guilty unloading on her because she leads a busy life , juggling her career and homelife.

 

So, I mostly read here, don't post that often, mostly here lately.

 

I'm just determined that I am stronger than this, and smarter than this. I will learn everything I can from my experience and be a better person for it with whatever life I have left on this earth.

[Dog Woman]

I'd like to suggest this...

 

You've been in TWO 'bad relationships' recently from the sounds of it...your affair, and your marriage.

 

You've ended one.

 

What are you going to do about the other?

 

I'd heartily suggest that now is a good time to examine your motives in staying in the marriage, and evaluate whether at this point it makes sense to get out...or to step up and INSIST on changes and improvements.

 

If it's not satisfactory...get it right, or get out.

 

Don't be afraid to INSIST on what you need.

 

I don't care if you decide to stay and fix it, or end it...the choice there is yours. But I'd suggest giving some serious thought to that choice...figure out your goal, develop a plan to reach your goal...and focus real hard on implementing that plan, whatever it is.

 

Yes both relationships have been bad one way or another. One of the reasons I ended the affair because I could see so many similarities between the OM and by OH with the OM probably being the better of the two. I knew it was pointless continuing the affair and in all probability I wouldn't want a permanent relationship with OM even if it was offered to me.

 

Now that I have taken a step back, my marriage is the first thing I am going to examine. I have reached crunch time its make or break.

[Dog Woman]

Oh Sweetie,

 

I know exactly where you're coming from. I only had one or two confidantes and unfortunantly one of those I've lost contact with.

 

Hell, she was probably tired of it anyway. The other , well, I always feel guilty unloading on her because she leads a busy life , juggling her career and homelife.

 

So, I mostly read here, don't post that often, mostly here lately.

 

I'm just determined that I am stronger than this, and smarter than this. I will learn everything I can from my experience and be a better person for it with whatever life I have left on this earth.

 

I am sick of confiding in friends, I seem to do nothing else but talk about my marriage problems and I am sure they must get sick so I don't turn to them on the subject unless I really have to. This site is one of the best I have found for learning about other people's experiences and I don't feel alone.

[skywriter]

Speaking for those of us that have been there , keep on posting and trying to work things out in your mind.

 

Eventually you'll be able to make some beneficial choices for all concerned.

[Dog Woman]

After OM and my hubby were chatting the other night and OM spilled out his life story to my hubby, I have decided to bite the bullet and tell hubby about my relationship with the OM but I haven't told him that we have slept together, just that we talk to eachother. Hubby seems okay with that I feel a lead weight has been lifted. I have also talked to closer friends and they know OM exists as a friend and contact.

 

I have also told hubby that I am not happy with the marriage and there have to be changes otherwise we need to consider going our separate ways. All I can do is wait and see what happens and take things a step at a time.

 

Re my relationship with OM, I have made it clear I’ll keep in touch but it’s got to be two communication and he can’t just text me and not expect to get replies. I am also not going to discuss my marriage with him. Any chatting has to be about general things – dogs etc.

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[jwi71]

After OM and my hubby were chatting the other night and OM spilled out his life story to my hubby, I have decided to bite the bullet and tell hubby about my relationship with the OM but I haven't told him that we have slept together, just that we talk to eachother. Hubby seems okay with that I feel a lead weight has been lifted. I have also talked to closer friends and they know OM exists as a friend and contact.

 

I have also told hubby that I am not happy with the marriage and there have to be changes otherwise we need to consider going our separate ways. All I can do is wait and see what happens and take things a step at a time.

 

Re my relationship with OM, I have made it clear I’ll keep in touch but it’s got to be two communication and he can’t just text me and not expect to get replies. I am also not going to discuss my marriage with him. Any chatting has to be about general things – dogs etc.

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

 

Uh oh.

This is called trickle truth.

It's where you tell some truth, but not all.

I D my xWW in large part due to trickle truth (TT) and NOTbecauseshe was sleeping with her OM. In all my time here on LS and other sites, theA itself RARELY leads to D - it's the TT and gaslighting and lying after the fact.

 

This is NOT a healthy way to not only live but have a M.

 

My .02 cents

[JustJoe]

DW, how can you give all of your attention to repairing your marriage and still maintain contact with the OM? You are burning the candle at both ends. If you truly want to repair your marriage, you need to tell your husband the COMPLETE truth, and end all contact with the OM. If you no longer love your husband, then set him free to find somebody who will and then begin the process of separation and divorce. You really have 4 choices. 1. end the affair and contact with the OM 2. end the marriage 3. End BOTH the marriage and affair and work on making yourself a better person 4. continue BOTH the affair and marriage and have constant issues and drama. This is what you are doing now, and it isn't working very well , is it?

[Dog Woman]

I just see things from a totally different perspective having stepped back and talked to close friends, something I should have done long ago. The OM and I started as acquaintances, became friends and both made a big mistake crossing a line and have spoiled a friendship. I am going to come into contact with him because of our mutual hobby and I can't spend the rest of my life trying to avoid him. I don't feel the same way I felt 6 months ago about him. I don't see him as OM anymore, he's no longer a secret, and is JUST a friend, like all my other friends and it is okay if we do happen to see eachother or contact eachother for a chat. He's no longer a problem and I have reached the stage where I can close the door on the affair. As for my marriage, that's going to take a lot more working out in my mind but I have made a start to try and change my life, whether I stay in the marriage or not.

Edited May 25, 2012 by Dog Woman

[BetrayedH]

I just see things from a totally different perspective having stepped back and talked to close friends, something I should have done long ago. The OM and I started as acquaintances, became friends and both made a big mistake crossing a line and have spoiled a friendship. I am going to come into contact with him because of our mutual hobby and I can't spend the rest of my life trying to avoid him. I don't feel the same way I felt 6 months ago about him. I don't see him as OM anymore, he's no longer a secret, and is JUST a friend, like all my other friends and it is okay if we do happen to see eachother or contact eachother for a chat. He's no longer a problem and I have reached the stage where I can close the door on the affair. As for my marriage, that's going to take a lot more working out in my mind but I have made a start to try and change my life, whether I stay in the marriage or not.

 

My goodness. This is the same old classic story. We can be jut friends while I work on my marriage. Please keep reading. This doesn't work.