Struggling after breaking up with Other Man

[Dog Woman]

My goodness. This is the same old classic story. We can be jut friends while I work on my marriage. Please keep reading. This doesn't work.

 

Right now I'm taking time out from my marriage as well whilst I concentrate on me and my needs. My ex OM is someone that is just in my life and a friend.

Edited May 26, 2012 by Dog Woman

[Dog Woman]

There is no such thing as an AP who is just in your life and a friend. Seriously.

 

There is no such thing as an AP who is just in your life and a friend. Seriously.

 

One of the issues in my marriage is that in the past I have been on the receiving of mental and almost physical abuse by a husband who is possessive of me and jealous of me having friends, family etc.

 

I have never been totally happy, just content with my husband. I had an affair a man who was my dream partner and I would have done anything for him. He felt the same. We just gelled together and felt so comfortable and trusted eachother. He was aware that my husband could make life difficult. I didnt pour my heart out to the OM he worked it and he was concerned that I was not put at risk. The OW would rather have no contact with me if it meant I was safe.

 

We both decided to end the affair for various reasons, the main one was that his wife wanted to move into a property left to her. I know my ex OW is not totally happy with this - he's changed as a person while plans to move have been put in place, but he's going along with it but he has also put a 'safety net' in place in case things don't work out.

 

I have distanced myself from my ex OW who I will never think badly of. My ex OW still wants us to be friends and I can cope with that and have occasional contact. Our paths are going to cross anyway as we have a mutual hobby that we are both passionate about I still want to be able to have the odd conversation with him about our mutual love of dogs. I don't think we would end up together permanently now. We just met at the wrong time of life in the wrong circumstances. We both agreed that continuing the affair would be wrong for us. He needs to sort his life out on his own and so do I.

 

At this point in time I have taken a temporary break from my marriage so I can focus on me and my needs.

[JustJoe]

Temporary break? What exactly does that mean? Are you separated? Does your husband know about this? Sorry but you come across as being kind of wishy-washy. You won't commit to your husband and you won't commit to your OM. IMO you need to end both. It is selfish of you to ask for your husband OR your OM to wait while you sort things out. They have lives of their own, and deserve the opportunity to find somebody else, as well.

[Dog Woman]

Temporary break? What exactly does that mean? Are you separated? Does your husband know about this? Sorry but you come across as being kind of wishy-washy. You won't commit to your husband and you won't commit to your OM. IMO you need to end both. It is selfish of you to ask for your husband OR your OM to wait while you sort things out. They have lives of their own, and deserve the opportunity to find somebody else, as well.

 

I mean I'm taking time out away from hubby while I decide what is best for me and for him. It is something I have to do.

 

Hubby doesn't have a life of his own by his own doing. I'm his life and nothing else. He has no friends to speak of, doesnt work (through no fault of his own) and doesn't get on with his family. He never wants to have his own space. He wants me 24-7, 7 days a week. That's is another major issue in our marriage, I feel smothered, he won't let me breath and wonders why I need to have friends???? Believe me I have tried everything I can think of - encouraged him to join groups etc so he can have some kind of social life, gain another interest, try voluntary work (he is a very talented joiner). We don't do things as a couple as such, he chooses not to. He's quite a serious intense person as well and a worrier. I'm the opposite. The only common factor we have is the love of dogs. I have tried to encourage him to become more involved with them, and try his hand at showing them, but he prefers just to watch me instead and really isnt that enthusiastic but he tries to prevent me from going on my own to shows. He would rather I stayed at home with him.

 

Ex OM does have a life of his own, and his safety net if his marriage fails is to fall back on a property he owns and live alone and I respect that so I have no intentions of committing to him.

Edited May 26, 2012 by Dog Woman

[Dog Woman]

I crossed paths with my ex OM at the weekend. We were both at the same dog show venue. I decided I needed to get away for the day and enjoy showing my dogs. Seeing him wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. We did speak briefly but only to comment about the judging. I was socialising and chatting to some of my dog contacts and he ended up circulating with his so I didn't see him after that. I'm still working out what to do about my marriage but I am exploring the route of separation.

[Dog Woman]

Today is a turning point for me. I have decided to set the ball rolling to separate from my husband and I dont ever want to see my ex OM again. Ex OM contacted me yesterday wanting to see me. I agreed to meet him but left the meeting wondering what on earth he wanted to see me for but not before I told him I was sick of playing cat and mouse with him, sick of only hearing from him when he felt like it, that it seemed he wanted to have his cake and eat it. He denyed all of this and I didnt get a straight answer as to why he wanted to see me. The only thing I did glean is that he was wondering how I was getting on with hubby and that to separate I had to make sure I had enough money to pay for a rent. It seems he thinks I wont cope without ex OM and this is why he maintains the contact. I have decided I'm going to live alone and I don't want anyone else in my life at the moment. I told him its a shame we are both married because we do gel together just that we are not meant to be together.

Edited June 7, 2012 by Dog Woman

[Dog Woman]

I don't think it's a turning point - you're merely trying to convince yourself and us that you're done with the affair when it's the exact opposite.

 

You ran into your MM and now he's reeling you back in . . . so now you're going to do what so many OW have done before you . . . separate/divorce with the hope MM will follow your lead.

 

I have done with the affair. Ex OM indicated early on in the affair that he wouldn't leave his wife, which is why I believe I am just a play toy that he can pick up and put down whenever he feels like it. Thats why I accused him of having his cake and eating it. I don't want to be with him I just want to focus now on building a new life for myself alone.

[nofool4u]

I haven't told my husband or any of my family or friends about the affair. Up until a week ago I felt I could cope.

 

Well then maybe its time to come clean. Perhaps you can cope if your H holds your feet to the fire to give you the proverbial V8 slap upside the head you need to snap out of it.

 

I can't think of anything more that would get someone to stop mourning the end of an affair than the risk of losing what they have.

[Dog Woman]

Well then maybe its time to come clean. Perhaps you can cope if your H holds your feet to the fire to give you the proverbial V8 slap upside the head you need to snap out of it.

 

I can't think of anything more that would get someone to stop mourning the end of an affair than the risk of losing what they have.

 

I lot has happened since that post. I have separated from my husband and have set the ball rolling for a legal separation and I want nothing more to do with the ex OM. I have decided to do without both and go it alone.

[nofool4u]

Ok then. With that, I hope you treat you H decently when its time to divorce and do whats fair with regards to splitting assets and custody. (I'm assuming you have kids when you said earlier that you wanted to concentrate on your M and family).

 

If you don't have kids, be fair to your H just the same throughout this process.

[Dog Woman]

You want "nothing more to do with him" . . . except when you're both at the dog shows.

 

The chances of us both being at shows are going to be slim. That's fine by me. I don't really want to get into a conversation with him. My meeting yesterday has changed my mind about him completely. Now my circumstances have changed and I am separated, I'm going to be off the dog show circuit while I sort out things between my hubby and I. I'll still keep my interest in dogs and still go weekly to my local dog club but I won't be bumping into ex OW as he lives and works on the other side of the county (nearly 50 miles away from me) and trains his dogs at his local dog club.

[Dog Woman]

Ok then. With that, I hope you treat you H decently when its time to divorce and do whats fair with regards to splitting assets and custody. (I'm assuming you have kids when you said earlier that you wanted to concentrate on your M and family).

 

If you don't have kids, be fair to your H just the same throughout this process.

 

It is my every intention to do things amicably and fairly. Hubby has said he hasn't been entirely happy either and I think the separation is a relief to us both. We have both agreed we should have never married eachother.

[bestplayer]

You seem to be very good at convincing yourself that whatever suits is the right way to go . I mean , you were pretending to trying to work on your M while continuing your affair with your lover ,and keeping your H in dark about the affair . Now that you are ready to dump your H in hopes of being with OM , you still dont want your H to know the truth . And you think this is the best way to go about it ?

[Dog Woman]

You seem to be very good at convincing yourself that whatever suits is the right way to go . I mean , you were pretending to trying to work on your M while continuing your affair with your lover ,and keeping your H in dark about the affair . Now that you are ready to dump your H in hopes of being with OM , you still dont want your H to know the truth . And you think this is the best way to go about it ?

 

I have separated from my husband and have set the ball rolling for a legal separation and I want nothing more to do with the ex OM. I don't hope to ever be with my ex OM as I have decided to do without both men and go it alone.

[JustJoe]

Sorry to say this, Dog Woman , but you come across as very selfish. I hope you aren't, but that's what strikes me from your posts. It's all about you. Your husband and the OM can go hang , while YOU do what YOU want to do. I mean no disrespect, but what if you put as much effort into being an honest person and wife, as you do cheating? You say your marriage is bad, that your husband doesn't meet your needs, etc, but you confide all of this to your OM? What is wrong with this picture? Your husband is unable to work, but instead of being supportive, what did you do? Had an affair. Most of what you have told us about your marriage seems to be your fault. One thing you do have right, is that you need help badly with your issues, before you ever have another relationship.

[Dog Woman]

Sorry to say this, Dog Woman , but you come across as very selfish. I hope you aren't, but that's what strikes me from your posts. It's all about you. Your husband and the OM can go hang , while YOU do what YOU want to do. I mean no disrespect, but what if you put as much effort into being an honest person and wife, as you do cheating? You say your marriage is bad, that your husband doesn't meet your needs, etc, but you confide all of this to your OM? What is wrong with this picture? Your husband is unable to work, but instead of being supportive, what did you do? Had an affair. Most of what you have told us about your marriage seems to be your fault. One thing you do have right, is that you need help badly with your issues, before you ever have another relationship.

 

I made a mistake having an affair, something I don't intend to repeat in the future as I have learnt a hard lesson. With regards to my marriage, I have tried to work at it for over 8 years but I cannot be blamed for mental and sometime near physical abuse that my husband has inflicted on me. There are other issues in our marriage for which we are both to blame and for which I tried to get us both to go to counselling to try and resolve them but my husband did not want to go. My ex OM was aware my marriage is struggling but the only people I really confided in were my closest girlfriends. The marriage has reached the end of the line and separating is best for both my hubby and I, both of us have given up on it.

[JustJoe]

I made a mistake having an affair, something I don't intend to repeat in the future as I have learnt a hard lesson. With regards to my marriage, I have tried to work at it for over 8 years but I cannot be blamed for mental and sometime near physical abuse that my husband has inflicted on me. There are other issues in our marriage for which we are both to blame and for which I tried to get us both to go to counselling to try and resolve them but my husband did not want to go. My ex OM was aware my marriage is struggling but the only people I really confided in were my closest girlfriends. The marriage has reached the end of the line and separating is best for both my hubby and I, both of us have given up on it.

I think it is probably for the best. Sometimes reconciliation is simply impossible. I hope that you both can exit the marriage with grace and consideration for each other, and that your futures will be better.

[Dog Woman]

I’m so glad I broke up with my ex-OM and am not having anything to do with him now. He contacted me yesterday to tell me he’s met somebody else but wanted to sleep with me. Needless to say he got told no and a few other home truths. If his new girlfriend exists then I hope she sees through him alot quicker than I did and does not fall into the trap like I did. He just uses women as play toys that he picks up and puts down as he feels like it and thrives on women paying him attention. I didn’t want to go the expense of buying a new mobile to change my number so I have found out from my phone company how to block his number.

Edited June 13, 2012 by Dog Woman

[skywriter]

Dog Woman,

 

I'm glad to hear you sounding a bit relieved by breaking it off with your OM.

 

These OM/OW, I dunno, they have some kind of knack at finding us vulnerable people. We don't even realise that we are vulnerable.

 

...and then he contacts you to tell you he's met someone, yet he wanted to sleep with you. How insensitive and unnecessary.

 

Fine example of the lengths some will go to feed their ego at others expense. You blocked his number! You go Dog Woman!

 

Just hang in there and know that this experience ontop of you going through a divorce will cause an ebb and flow of emotions. Hang on for the ride.

[Dog Woman]

Dog Woman,

 

I'm glad to hear you sounding a bit relieved by breaking it off with your OM.

 

These OM/OW, I dunno, they have some kind of knack at finding us vulnerable people. We don't even realise that we are vulnerable.

 

...and then he contacts you to tell you he's met someone, yet he wanted to sleep with you. How insensitive and unnecessary.

 

Fine example of the lengths some will go to feed their ego at others expense. You blocked his number! You go Dog Woman!

 

Just hang in there and know that this experience ontop of you going through a divorce will cause an ebb and flow of emotions. Hang on for the ride.

 

Funny that's what ex OM said yesterday. I was vulnerable when he met me. Hopefully he's now lost interest in me now I have gained a bit of strength. To be on the safe side I have deleted him as a friend on facebook and blocked him as well so he can't see any of my personal information or photos etc.

 

I suspect the 'new' girlfriend doesn't exist and he was trying to 'reel' me back but his attempt failed.

 

Ex OM the least of my worries. The next hurdle I have got to get through is my brother's wedding next month. as I'm looking forward to it in one way but dreading it in another as he marries in the same church as I did and it is will be first family gathering I'll attend on my own.

Edited June 13, 2012 by Dog Woman

[skywriter]

Ex

OM

the least of my worries. The next hurdle I have got to get through is my brother's wedding next month. as I'

m

looking forward to it in one way but dreading it in another as he marries in the same church as I did and it is will be first family gathering I'll attend on my own.

Yea, Dog Woman, that will be challenging for you. I wish that I could say that exOM was the least of my worries, but, I will get there eventually. I've had no contact for abt 4 wks now and intend to keep it that way.

 

Hopefully the wedding atmosphere and the guest will be enough to keep your mind pleasantly distracted.

[Dog Woman]

Ex

OM

the least of my worries. The next hurdle I have got to get through is my brother's wedding next month. as I'

m

looking forward to it in one way but dreading it in another as he marries in the same church as I did and it is will be first family gathering I'll attend on my own.

 

 

 

Yea, Dog Woman, that will be challenging for you. I wish that I could say that exOM was the least of my worries, but, I will get there eventually. I've had no contact for abt 4 wks now and intend to keep it that way.

 

Hopefully the wedding atmosphere and the guest will be enough to keep your mind pleasantly distracted.

 

You will get there eventually, it just takes time and I have found the key is to take a day at a time and not to look too far ahead. The wedding might not be that daunting. I'll have plenty to occupy my mind as I am doing one of the readings in the church.

[Dog Woman]

It's been nearly 5 weeks of no contact with ex OM and I've been okay until this weekend when it was my brother's wedding. I had a fantastic time and thoroughly enjoyed the day but at times I couldn't help thinking about what has happened in my life over the last few months and today I just feel a bit down. Seeing my brother and his new wife just reminded me how happy I felt when I met my ex OM and the confidence he gave me and how I felt special but now I still feel angry that I was taken in by him and he just ended up using me.

[skywriter]

Hi Dog Woman!

 

You've made it 5 weeks, that is great!

 

I've made it about 2 and half months. I gotta tell ya, I shouldn''t have waited so long to go NC. Really....it has been like a heavy burden lifted off of my shoulders.

 

Oh, I have my moments, where I wish or miss, and then I ask myself, "do I really miss someone who held me with such little regard?"

 

Then I realise, I was mistaken again. I miss what I wanted it to be, not what it actually was.

[Dog Woman]

Hi Dog Woman!

 

You've made it 5 weeks, that is great!

 

I've made it about 2 and half months. I gotta tell ya, I shouldn''t have waited so long to go NC. Really....it has been like a heavy burden lifted off of my shoulders.

 

Oh, I have my moments, where I wish or miss, and then I ask myself, "do I really miss someone who held me with such little regard?"

 

Then I realise, I was mistaken again. I miss what I wanted it to be, not what it actually was.

Hi Skywriter

 

Well done you too. It's not easy is it? I think you are right. I think it is more about missing what we wanted it to be rather than what it was. Deep down, I was hoping we would end up together. We had such a chemistry and he was so supportive of what I did and was to begin with but he made it abundantly clear there was no way on this earth he was ever going to leave his wife.