Struggling after breaking up with Other Man

[sleepie]

Hi Dog Woman!

 

You've made it 5 weeks, that is great!

 

I've made it about 2 and half months. I gotta tell ya, I shouldn''t have waited so long to go NC. Really....it has been like a heavy burden lifted off of my shoulders.

 

Oh, I have my moments, where I wish or miss, and then I ask myself, "do I really miss someone who held me with such little regard?"

 

Then I realise, I was mistaken again. I miss what I wanted it to be, not what it actually was.

 

Yep. Thinking about it like that really does make NC easier. Way to go!

[sleepie]

He contacted me yesterday to tell me he’s met somebody else but wanted to sleep with me.

 

I'm LMAO at this. Did he really think this would regain your interest?

 

Good luck staying NC! You're doing a good job!

[Dog Woman]

I'm LMAO at this. Did he really think this would regain your interest?

 

Good luck staying NC! You're doing a good job!

 

Thank you! Yes, he was very good at pushing his luck towards the end. He was very determined and persistent, I'll give him that. It was a one sided relationship though. It was okay when he was calling the shots and it boosted his ego when I went running but when it was the other way round, he didn't want to know.

[Silly_Girl]

It's been nearly 5 weeks of no contact with ex OM and I've been okay until this weekend when it was my brother's wedding. I had a fantastic time and thoroughly enjoyed the day but at times I couldn't help thinking about what has happened in my life over the last few months and today I just feel a bit down. Seeing my brother and his new wife just reminded me how happy I felt when I met my ex OM and the confidence he gave me and how I felt special but now I still feel angry that I was taken in by him and he just ended up using me.

 

Dog woman, not to wishing to minimise your feelings, I am totally aware of how hard it is to break up... But I just wanted to say that on the other side of the coin there would be so-called 'happy' couples involved in the festivities feeling hollow and longing for better days. Weddings are so emotive and you really would not have been the only one feeling a bit frustrated or blue inevitably comparing their happiness to your personal situation.

 

And you did it!! Those things, going alone, it's a huge achievement. I hope you feel proud of yourself

[Dog Woman]

Dog woman, not to wishing to minimise your feelings, I am totally aware of how hard it is to break up... But I just wanted to say that on the other side of the coin there would be so-called 'happy' couples involved in the festivities feeling hollow and longing for better days. Weddings are so emotive and you really would not have been the only one feeling a bit frustrated or blue inevitably comparing their happiness to your personal situation.

 

And you did it!! Those things, going alone, it's a huge achievement. I hope you feel proud of yourself

 

Thank you. Yes I've reached another milestone and I am pleased with myself although it is hard at times and like Skywriter I have my moments and occasionally want give in to temptation and contact my ex OM though I know I would be a fool to do so. Have you any tips on how I can resist temptation?

[skywriter]

Hey there Dog Woman!

 

 

 

Have you any tips on how I can resist temptation?

 

I may have mentioned this before in another thread, I think.

 

For myself, I try to resist temptation, by rationalising the thought of the temptation.

For ex; I consider that I make contact. What I might say and the reponse that I'd recieve. It would be all about him and how I outed him, betrayed him.

 

I do alot of trying not to be idle. It makes for an idle mind, for myself, anyway. Take nice long walks, reply to threads on LS. Call someone that I love. Just whatever it takes.

 

In the end, it's a process of time healing, I think. ...and it will if you really want it bad enough.

 

It was okay when he was calling the shots and it boosted his ego when I went running but when it was the other way round, he didn't want to know.

 

 

....and there you have it Dog Woman. This is what I was referring to. It'll leave you regretful and backsliding with this type of a personality is just inflicting unecessary grief on onesself.

 

So, now that I think about it. If and when I am tempted to make contact with the ExMM. I think maybe, I should say, "Nah, I think I'll be good to myself today." "I will love myself".

[sleepie]

I am in the early stages, but for me, resisting temptation involves a few different things:

 

- I focus on the things I chose over my xMOM. My H, my kids, my family, my life.

 

- I dive into work.

 

- I post here. (Although posting here sometimes makes it worse. I almost feel as if I'm wallowing in it.)

 

- I watch a hardcore action movie with NO romance in it. Or read a book like that.

 

- I pray. Don't know if you're a religious person, but I am. I pray to God to give me the strength to follow the path He wants for me.

 

- I call a friend. I've told no one about my A, but somehow just letting a good friend know that I'm feeling down always helps.

 

- I shop. Yeah, trading one addiction for another. Okay... I browse.

 

- I examine myself. My motives. My needs. To prevent this from happening again in the future, I need to learn why it happened in the first place. I've already discovered some rather disheartening things about myself, but I think this type of introspection is vital to the healing process.

 

- I allow myself to feel a full range of emotions. Disgust with him. Disgust with myself. Loss. Despair. Guilt. Anger. One of the things that I've realized is that I tend to intellectualize everything. My A was partially a result of being allowed to let my emotions shine through my usual lens of logic. So now I try to feel the emotions that I used to suppress.

 

I think this post might have been more for myself than for you! lol But maybe you'll get something useful from it.

[Dog Woman]

Thank you Skywriter and Sleepie. That's very useful and more or less what I am trying to do. I think I just miss being in a relationship but am very wary about going into another at this stage. I'm still getting used to the idea that I'm single.

[Dog Woman]

I'm posting on here because I can't discuss or offload this to anyone else.

 

It’s been 7 weeks of no contact with my ex-OM and I have been okay until yesterday. I bumped into him on a walk with the dog at a place I wasn’t expecting to see him. He eventually told me he has some not so good news – he has been diagnosed with an enlarged lymph node and is being fast tracked to hospital. I know he was having lots of problems with his back and shoulder whilst I was seeing him and originally the doctors thought he had trapped a nerve in his shoulder. There has been no improvement so they have investigated further and scans have revealed an enlarged lymph node. Since yesterday, I have been asking myself, do I want to resume contact with him again, just purely as a friend. If the lump does turn out to be sinister then he’s not going to have time for anything else and he has indicated he’s got to put his health first. Yesterday, he talked and I mainly listened – he was worried about what may lie ahead for him – his job, finances etc. One of the reasons my marriage failed was because of my husband’s illness and I am also asking myself do I really want to go down that road again and get involved with someone who might be seriously ill.

 

I have left the communication channel open if he wants to get in touch if he wants someone to talk to but have made it clear I expect nothing else from him and I’m not offering anything else other than a friendly ear should he need it but I am starting to regret the offer of a sympathetic ear. If I know him, he'll deal with things himself and probably won't bother me. I am hoping he doesn't take me up on my offer.

Edited August 13, 2012 by Dog Woman