Sister in recovery, driving me up the wall

[daphne]

I went to Hawaii to see my sister for vacation. I thought it would be nice to surf, eat, sleep and generally do nothing but soak in the sun.

 

However, my sister is in A/A and either her personality has changed, or she was always a certain way and due to distance I never realized it. Either way, she's a controlling, manipulative, critical, abusive personality. Much like our mother. She's working really hard at recovery, and I'm excited that she's there. However, she feels like she's really discovered the Grand Canyon in 2012, long after many others. And she felt the need to harp at me about how I should live my life. She was extremely condescending, for someone who has only now discovered that there's a better path in life.

 

Meanwhile, I finished with recovery in my early 20's, well before I became a full addict. I've been there, but I didn't feel the need to criticize her past or current behavior. But in the midst of her condescension, I finally set a boundary although it felt like ti was a little late in the trip. I asked her to stop condescending and criticizing. I couldn't say a single thing without being jumped on. It was kind of a nightmare. I've spent most of my adult life learning how to be a better person. I get some things right, some things I miss. But my closest friends tell me I'm the best person they know and it was pretty annoying to be a project for someone who does not have their **** together.

 

I think what bothers me most is it comes back to feeling like I live and let live in my personal life, and people take my support and willingness to communicate and work things out for weakness at times. They take it for granted. Somehow, they misunderstand it as me being available to be their target to take out whatever frustrations they have in life. Very, very frustrating. Because at the end of the day they really do misjudge, and when I've had enough of the shenanigans I go my way and by the time they realize that I can't be walked on it's too far gone. I just wish it weren't happening because she's my sister.

[january2011]

I think that sometimes when people feel out of control in their own lives, they try to control the lives of others around them. Or she might believe that she's found the answer to life and therefore you need to be brought round to her way of thinking.

 

It's a shame that you weren't able to enjoy your vacation. Hopefully, at some point, your sister will recognise that her behaviour is having a negative impact on you and therefore harming your relationship. It may be that once she has put more distance between herself and her former lifestyle, her emotions, personality and behaviour will be more even keel and reasonable. All you can do is be there to support her and provide an ear and shoulder when she needs them. Hope things ease up soon.

[threebyfate]

This is a prime example of human nature. You see it all over LS where people who are recovering from their own issues whether addiction/quit smoking/relationship failure/born again/etc., hammer at and abuse others who are trying.

 

This doesn't mean you have to take it. But it is something that you can learn from, in that you also have the responsibility to assert boundaries not when it's too late but to assert them from the onset. Someone starts to hammer at you, you shut them down by telling them their behaviour isn't acceptable and if they wish to have a relationship with you, they need to approach you with a modicum of respect.

[daphne]

I think that sometimes when people feel out of control in their own lives, they try to control the lives of others around them. Or she might believe that she's found the answer to life and therefore you need to be brought round to her way of thinking.

 

It's a shame that you weren't able to enjoy your vacation. Hopefully, at some point, your sister will recognise that her behaviour is having a negative impact on you and therefore harming your relationship. It may be that once she has put more distance between herself and her former lifestyle, her emotions, personality and behaviour will be more even keel and reasonable. All you can do is be there to support her and provide an ear and shoulder when she needs them. Hope things ease up soon.

 

Thanks Jan. Yes, I think that having been so out of control in her own life she's now got control issues. She's been recovering for almost a year. I'm hoping she'll learn from it. It's not easy to have to keep your mouth shut constantly out of fear of being brow beaten for every single thing you say or do. It doesn't make you want to be around someone like that.

 

This is a prime example of human nature. You see it all over LS where people who are recovering from their own issues whether addiction/quit smoking/relationship failure/born again/etc., hammer at and abuse others who are trying.

 

This doesn't mean you have to take it. But it is something that you can learn from, in that you also have the responsibility to assert boundaries not when it's too late but to assert them from the onset. Someone starts to hammer at you, you shut them down by telling them their behaviour isn't acceptable and if they wish to have a relationship with you, they need to approach you with a modicum of respect.

 

I can see what you're saying. I hadn't thought about that. I think there's a certain personality and/or circumstances that accompanies it. Some people grow out of it, others use it as a tool to beat up on people instead of themselves for their own mistakes.

 

I know, I feel like I failed in asserting my boundaries. Something I had worked hard at in 2011. I think it's tougher to do with family members than coworkers or friends. I guess I gotta practice more. It's not been easy, since I lost a few friends/boyfriend last year in the process of asserting boundaries. I have to remember that perhaps had I set them earlier and more vocally I wouldn't have had to lose them. Or perhaps it would have come to the same. WHo knows.

 

Thanks ladies.

[Art_Critic]

A newbie AA issue that is seen quite a bit...

 

I heard an old timer when I was sobering up say to one guy in a meeting that knew it all "Take the cotton out of your ears and put in in your mouth"

 

Hopefully she will find the error of her ways

[threebyfate]

A newbie AA issue that is seen quite a bit...

 

I heard an old timer when I was sobering up say to one guy in a meeting that knew it all "Take the cotton out of your ears and put in in your mouth"

 

Hopefully she will find the error of her ways

Did you give the old-timer a hug?

[daphne]

A newbie AA issue that is seen quite a bit...

 

I heard an old timer when I was sobering up say to one guy in a meeting that knew it all "Take the cotton out of your ears and put in in your mouth"

 

Hopefully she will find the error of her ways

 

He he. Where was he on my vacation??? I couldn't say anything that blunt to family, sadly. I was glad to hear her say one thing that made me think she's somewhat aware of the situation. She told me that she realizes that I'm a walker (doer,) not a talker and she realizes that she mostly talks. That was pretty validating since I strive for that. I probably got it from AA now that I think about it.