Why stay married when it's a lie?

[loving_life]

Hello everyone. Just found this forum and this is my first post.

 

Don't know how tell my story in a few paragraphs... The bottom line is that I have been married to my husband for 25 years and have been contemplating divorce/separation for about 10 months now. We have a son, but he is an adult now living away in a college.

 

Apart from most people on this forum, I am the "bad" one in the marriage. I fell out of love a long time ago, but the marriage was was convenient, I was consumed raising our son, working and such. We had what most people consider a "happy" life - good jobs, financial stability, good health, expensive vacations.

 

My husband is a very nice man... in a nerdy kinda way. I remember being in love with him. He was my first real boyfriend, my first intimate partner... we married very young, barely out of high school. It was a different life. I can't explain what happened, but I don't find him interesting anymore. I find him boring. I am ashamed of him. I find him socially awkward. I don't like bringing him to work parties, because he either stays quiet or says something very stupid. I feel bad for thinking that way about him, but I can't help myself. I started hiding him from my work friends. We actually don't have mutual friends anymore aside from old college friends. I started having my own friends, and he just doesn't have any friends on his own. And yes, I started having emotional affairs with other men (and one man in particular, but I will tell you later about him). I didn't even realize I was cheating emotionally it until it hit me. There even has been physical cheating on my part about 10 years ago. He doesn't know about it.

 

Other facts: my husband is nice to me, we never argue, he does everything I tell him to do and he lets me do whatever I want to do. I feel like he lost his identity somehow, maybe because of me. Sometimes I feel like I get more emotion and character out of my dog than out my husband. Even though on the surface our marriage seems to be ok, those who look closer may find it weird. Our sex life stopped 5 years ago and I sleep in a separate room now for about a year. He didn't even asked why and pretended everything was ok. I got involved in a hobby that takes me out of the house 3-4 times a week, sometimes very late. He rarely asks why I stay so late, I might as well be cheating on him, seems like he just doesn't care. I go out for drinks without him with my guy friends and he doesn't care. I could be flirting online in front of him and he never asks what I do. We don't cook anymore and eat separate meals at different times, mostly take-outs or just whatever is in the fridge. On weekends, we do separate things, like he would go to work and to a movie. The movies that he likes don't interest me (action movies are his favorite), and he finds my taste strange. We stopped going on vacations together. We behave more like roommates than a couple. To me, our marriage has died already. I tried to talk to him, asking if he was happy, and he said "yes". I said "do you want to live this life forever?". and he said "yes, why not?". Isn't that strange? He obviously thinks nothing is wrong.

 

... so I hear arguments like "try to fall in love with your husband again", "channel your affection for other man into your husband" and such. How does it make sense to anyone? At this point I have a better chance to fall in love with a complete stranger on the street than my husband. I don't hate him, he has done nothing wrong for me to hate him, but we became different people.

 

Why is when people date and something doesn't work out for either of them, everyone's advice is "don't rush to marry, think about it, move on, look out for yourself, don't get involved with a wrong person". But once you sign that marriage paper, everyone yells: "work on it, stay married, don't give up even if you are miserable".

 

I am not making any excuses for myself. I am taking full responsibility for falling out of our marriage emotionally and physically. I stepped over the line. I might as well officially admit it and get a divorce. So at least I won't feel guilty connecting to other men. I have no interest in taking counseling, because if they tell me to sleep in the same bed with him, I would just say "no, it's not gonna happen". It's over. I just need courage to tell him. The only and only thing that stops me is that everyone around, including my family, will be very surprised and upset, because we (I) always pretended everything was perfect, and it's not. I will be the "bad" one, but I am already bad, so at least I need to be honest. So at this point it's a choice between: living my life like everybody else wants me and lie, or living it the way I want it and stop lying. And I want a divorce.

 

so this is a very short version of my story... can anyone relate to this? What do you all think?

[carhill]

What do you all think?

 

My suggestion would be to have a straight-up conversation about this and suggest mediation to arrange for an amicable and low-cost ending to a convenient but otherwise unloving relationship and marriage. What I'm hearing from you is that this M has run its course.

 

The only canary in the mix is your current interaction with 'guy friends'. Do you have someone else in mind? If so, be honest about that. It's one thing to have a general feeling of wanting to 'be in love' again and completely another to attach that feeling to a person other than your current husband. Such muddies the waters. Clarify that.

 

Welcome to LS

[westrock]

Loving_life,

 

Welcome to LS. Sounds like you made up your mind. Not sure if you're even open to other options. If not, then follow carhill's advice and get divorced. Otherwise, if you want to see if there is any chance to turn this around, then you need to take some responsibility for the marriage ending up the way it has (to be fair, your husband is also equally responsible).

 

I just posted a reply to another thread that you should read: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/321078-statistics-truthful

 

I tried to talk to him, asking if he was happy, and he said "yes". I said "do you want to live this life forever?". and he said "yes, why not?". Isn't that strange? He obviously thinks nothing is wrong.

I wouldn't live my life this way, but they way you asked the questions, I would say it's not strange. He's not a mind reader. You asked him if he was happy, but did you ever tell him you are not happy and explain to him what you want? What I do find strange is that you're not communicating properly with him, expressing clearly your emotional needs, what you want, and what is bothering you.

 

It's also possible he's also having an affair and he's happy with the the way things are, but it's also possible he's just afraid to tell you what's really bothering him and he finds it's easier to just pretend that everything is fine.

 

It seems the two of you have poor communication skills. He's a poor communicator, but it sounds like you are also a poor communicator.

 

I am not making any excuses for myself. I am taking full responsibility for falling out of our marriage emotionally and physically. I stepped over the line. I might as well officially admit it and get a divorce. So at least I won't feel guilty connecting to other men. I have no interest in taking counseling, because if they tell me to sleep in the same bed with him, I would just say "no, it's not gonna happen".

 

You're assuming a counsellor will tell you this. A counsellor's role is to facilitate communication, not to tell you to sleep in the same bed with him. You might want to go to counselling yourself to help you get through this, even if it ends up in divorce.

 

It's over. I just need courage to tell him. The only and only thing that stops me is that everyone around, including my family, will be very surprised and upset, because we (I) always pretended everything was perfect, and it's not. I will be the "bad" one, but I am already bad, so at least I need to be honest.

 

Why were you pretending? Where did pretending get you?

 

Pretending everything was perfect is just a sign of poor communications. Everyone acts like nothing is wrong because they're afraid to actually communicate their issues and emotional needs.

 

So at this point it's a choice between: living my life like everybody else wants me and lie, or living it the way I want it and stop lying. And I want a divorce.

 

How do you want to live your life and why do you think a divorce will give it to you?

Edited April 7, 2012 by westrock

[Thunderbolt]

I can relate to your situation. This happened to me several years back. It got to the point where I had totally checked out of the marriage. I just no longer wanted to be married to him. I was never totally into him sexually but we were young when we married. I don't think I knew any better as I now realize that I was never in love with him. I found him boring, unattractive, and the little things started to annoy me. He would always go along with what I wanted but never had anything new or fresh to bring to the relationship. I even found myself looking at and engaging with other men. I never cheated but knew I was getting dangerously close. Thing is, he was (is) a great person. He was a great provider and really cared about me. Fundamentally, there really wasn't anything wrong with him.

 

I thought my marriage was the main obstacle standing in between me and happiness. I ended up asking for a divorce. I moved out a month later and we were separated for a year before he finally asked me to make a decision. I was still stuck and told him we should go our separate ways.

 

Do I regret the decision I made? Tough to say. Usually, I'd say I made the right decision. He deserves to be with someone who loves and respects him more than I could. Divorcing him did not solve all my problems of unhappiness. I'm generally a happy person these days, but I won't lie, I still sometimes wonder if we could have worked it out. I'm not sure how, given my frame of mind at the time, but I still wonder. I still have periods of time where I'm not completely content with my life. Like the posters above have said, there's no guarantee that if you divorce you'll automatically find happiness. Just something to think about. I'm not trying to talk you out of your choice, but hindsight's always 20/20. Look deep inside of yourself and figure out why you're truly unhappy. If you dig deep enough, you'll find the answer.

 

I'd definitely recommend separating for a while before making a final decision. Perhaps you could get your own apartment, try living your life the way you want to and perhaps even try dating. A lot of people may not agree with this, but it's just how I feel. You may find that being single isn't everything it's cracked up to be.

 

Good luck, I wish you well. You have some tough choices to make.

[loving_life]

thanks all for responses.

 

@westrock: I hear you about poor communication. I agree we don't communicate properly. But I am a firm believer you can't change another person, you can only change yourself. What do I need from my husband? Honestly, I want him to become a different person which is not possible and not fair to him. How can anyone force that emotional connection? It's either there or not there. I did let him know I was unhappy and he half-jokingly made a comment that he should have married someone with less brain, because those women think less and therefore are more happy. I would be VERY surprised if he is having an affair. That would make things so easy! I would honestly be very happy for him, because, as I said, he is a nice guy and deserves better than me.

 

What do I want from life is a very goos question. I asked that question a million times recently. I think I just want to be free, in charge of my own life, and not obliged to love anyone just because I signed a paper 25 years ago.

 

@carhill: yes, you got it. I do have feelings for one particular guy. It hasn't evolved into an affair and probably never will. That does muddy the whole situation, but my marriage was dead long before I met that guy, at least that's the way I see it.

 

@thunderbolt: thanks much for your response. I have been looking deep inside of me for about a year now and keep finding scary things nice to meet someone with a similar story.

[carhill]

@carhill: yes, you got it. I do have feelings for one particular guy. It hasn't evolved into an affair and probably never will. That does muddy the whole situation, but my marriage was dead long before I met that guy, at least that's the way I see it.

While it is healthy to acknowledge that your 'marriage was dead long before you met that guy', it's equally healthy to have enough respect for your H of a quarter century to be honest with him or refrain from grasping another branch until the divorce is over.

 

Try mediation. It works.

[Lexygirl]

Hi Loving_Life.

I sooo understand how you feel. I've been married to my husband for 20 years on May 2 (together for 23)

Sounds like your husband is alot like mine. He is kind to me and ignores anything negative that I might be involved in. He is a HUGE conflict avoider.

 

We separated twice already and I came back both times hoping things would change regarding my feelings for him. At times there was something there... a glimmer of hope when we would kind of connect. I was so happy but that would only last for a day or two until he went about his business... his hobbies, toys, sci fi shows, metal detecting, bla bla. (I felt VERY neglected)

I used to 'follow him around' and do whatever he wanted to and let my own passions go on the back burner especially because we have two amazing children. Eventually that turned into resentment. He expects me to still do that but I won't.

Our intimacy is nil. It's like living with a robot at times and I am a VERY passionate person. It kills me inside to not be able to be me.

 

I keep asking myself "If we met today, would I be interested in him?" and the answer is usually NO.... However, our past and children are the bond that has kept us together so it makes it very difficult to leave.

 

I also would be very happy if he was with a woman who is 100% into him as he also deserves this.

 

Thing is, my STBX and I have had MANY conversations about our marriage and well I think that you should definitely sit down and have a long one with your husband.... more than just "ARe you happy?" and then tell him how you've been feeling.

 

I guess mostly I wanted you to know that you aren't alone.

[westrock]

@westrock: I hear you about poor communication. I agree we don't communicate properly. But I am a firm believer you can't change another person, you can only change yourself. What do I need from my husband? Honestly, I want him to become a different person which is not possible and not fair to him. How can anyone force that emotional connection? It's either there or not there.

 

If he were to change, would that change your mind?

 

How would you change yourself if you were to get divorced? A divorce will not make you a better communicator. All the problems you are experiencing in the marriage will continue after you get a divorce. Divorce won't solve your problems.

 

I did let him know I was unhappy and he half-jokingly made a comment that he should have married someone with less brain, because those women think less and therefore are more happy.

 

He is not taking you seriously or taking responsibility for what's happened. He also doesn't seem to understand that there are serious problems in the marriage. A previous poster suggested separation, perhaps that's a good idea so you can get an idea of what it would be like to go separate ways for a while.

 

I would be VERY surprised if he is having an affair. That would make things so easy! I would honestly be very happy for him, because, as I said, he is a nice guy and deserves better than me.

 

From your comments, it seems you have no interest in continuing with him or even trying to turn this around. That's fine, but you should then just end the relationship now and stop pretending anymore. What's holding you back? You really haven't given a good reason why you are continuing this relationship other than you're afraid your family will be surprised and upset. Why are you putting them ahead of how you feel?

 

Continuing like this is not beneficial to you or your husband's wellbeing. If he deserves better than you as you say, then just let him be free so he can find another woman who will love him the way he deserves and you can then move on with your life.

 

What do I want from life is a very goos question. I asked that question a million times recently. I think I just want to be free, in charge of my own life, and not obliged to love anyone just because I signed a paper 25 years ago.

 

Don't you essentially have this now? You seem to do what you want and you don't love him. You're free to divorce him anytime if you want. But, if you find someone else, won't you run into these same issues again?

Edited April 8, 2012 by westrock

[OpenBook]

What do I want from life is a very goos question. I asked that question a million times recently. I think I just want to be free, in charge of my own life, and not obliged to love anyone just because I signed a paper 25 years ago.

 

Is it possible to negotiate some kind of a trial separation with your H, to where both of you could kinda "take charge of your own lives" separately (including seeing other people) without getting divorced?

 

It doesn't have to be a black-and-white scenario where your only choices are to either pour yourself back into your M or end it. Your marriage is whatever you & your H want to make it (shape it, mold it). You both make the call on that one. No one else.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I would recommend you treat him respectfully and with kid gloves, even if you're not feeling it. A good man is a treasure. You wouldn't want to regret that (not treating him well) down the road, I would think.

[Garymustang1977]

Hey there Loving_Life,

 

I just posted on a different thread that I started, but regards joint property. However, the emontional aspect of your situation is exactly like mine. I see a few other posters have experienced the same thing, too.

 

We met as 19 and 20 year-old kids, really. We married 3 years later and are over 25 years into the marriage. We have no children. People change and I no longer love my wife. If I'm being honest with myself I don't believe I really ever loved her fully, and always believed that I'd learn too.

 

To be fair she is a nice and decent person, but we're miles apart from agreeing about such common things like sex, politics, religion, family. We're on oppostie ends of the spectrum. I'm saying that's perfectly okay for each of us to have different opinions. What I'm saying is that our marriage has run its course, we've become different people from the "kids' we once were, so it's

time to be real, acknowledge that I no longer love my wife enough to stay

married and move on. She deserves someone who is on the path she walking

on and I'll go my way.

 

I'd say if you're totally being honest with yourself, and have had emotional affairs in the past (like I have) but wish to be free to expore new relationships, then do as your heart tells you. My own father was a notorius womaniser and my mother suffered a lot, so I vowed that I'd never do that to my wife. I've physically never stepped out of the bounds of my marriage, but I have connected emotionally with a few other women over the years, but let it go for fear of becomming like my father and disrespecting my wife.

 

I wish you well in your travels,

Gary

[Owl]

This is simple...perhaps not easy...but definitely simple.

 

Tell your H exactly what you stated here on LS...include your emotional affairs with other men, your dissatisfaction with your marriage, your feelings about him, etc...

 

Be honest.

 

And tell him that you're done and filing for divorce.

 

I see no value in a temporary seperation. Simply tell you H this is how you feel, this is what you've done, and this is what's happening next.

 

Given the way you've described him, it doesn't sound like he'll put up much of a fight.

 

What's holding you back?

[elfman]

Falling out of love seems like something a lot of women go through at some point, I am not being judgmental, but do you not think your husband may be going through the exact same thing you are, but is perhaps reacting differently? I mean, who can honestly say they are "in love" with a person that does whatever the hell they want, when they want to... a person who is not being honest about other relationships... a person who has cheated on them.

 

Regrettably, I don't have the experience to say for certain, but most people who are wiser than me say that "Love evolves, from lust and passion to tolerance and joy for eachother's company".

 

Your husband may be suffering from severe depression and you might not even be realizing it. It sounds to me like he is absolutely numb. Is it his fault that you are ashamed of him? Is is his fault that you have not worded your discontent in any way? He may be the worst communicator in the planet, but I GUARANTEE you he is not happy, he is perhaps too afraid to lose you, his self-esteem might be the at the lowest point in his life. after 25 years, is it fair to walk out on a person who obviously needs help? I cannot say that he deserves help, but jeez, I wish I could, after 25 years.

 

Mediation might work, but also, consider that maybe he has been tolerating all your actions because he is too afraid to lose you, and does not know what you want or how to react to certain things... Bringing up the D word might just get him into Defense mode, and he might start overcoming his inhibitions because you are forcing him to, and perhaps you will find him less amiable to your desires. Frankenstein is a good read that I have recommended to a bunch of friends who started on the joyful paths of creating monsters out of seemingly inert matter. (This is not a point to make you afraid to go forward with whatever you decide, I speak out of current experience since it's just the way my own situation is turning out, my wife cut the emotional string that made me act in logical, kind and loving ways towards her, and inevitably I started looking out for my own interests, this is surprising her incredibly, in essence, she is having to deal with a completely different animal... or monster, as she likes to say).

 

Also, consider that most people who come to post here are usually on the other side of the coin, including a lot of people who are BS's (betrayed spouses), so sympathy for you might be less forthcoming, since you have cheated on him physically and emotionally.

 

Seems to me the first thing to go when a spouse starts analyzing their own needs and putting them in front of the marriage's needs is honesty anyway.

 

It seems he would also benefit from not being with someone who has betrayed them, who is ashamed of him, who doesn't find him attractive, etc... so yeah, go ahead and file for divorce, but remember to never judge a book by it's cover... In opposition to what Owl is saying, (and from y own experience), he might react like you never expected him to... I guess you'll never know if you don't try.

 

I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.

 

E.

Edited April 9, 2012 by elfman

[OliveOyl]

You don't love him, you don't respect him (which is even worse, I believe, than falling out of love), and you haven't had sex for 5 years. You don't do activities together and live separately as roommates.

 

Your marriage is over. I don't see it turning around.

 

What are you waiting for? Be honest with everyone and get the divorce.

[justsomebody]

Loving life,

 

I know exactly what you mean. I am in the same boat as you are. Well, not in any affair but there were times that I am tempted to . I do have a fifteen and twelve years old. The light of my tunnel is when my twelve year goes to college. In the mean time, I am guilty of painting a false picture of marriage to my children which is cold and distant. I found myself laugh less, nothing to share or discuss on the dinning table. In the past, I tried to be more attentive by asking how my husband felt about work, life, was he happy the way thing were etc...but never once, he asked me back, there were times I was crying out loud, "Ask me!! Ask me!! I want to tell you and I need you to hear me and help me!!" Well, I thought since he didn't ask, why I force him to understand me? Before you buy a car, you would check out all the details, do all the comparisons, find out as much as you could because it is an important decision. I thougth if the marriage is as important, at least he would find ways to improve, just as much information as how to impress your wife?? He never said a word when I move my bed into the basement. Many times I struggle if I should have another talk with him, the only "talk" was when I expressed my discontent when I took off my wedding ring...he just gave me a sad look and claimed that I was away on the weekends to visit my father who lives in another city. What kind of a relationship is that if everything needs to be written on the wall for the other to follow instructions for connection to happen? There were times that I told myself life would be much simplier if I smash my car into a truck. I don't know what is holding me back, maybe the hope that I will able to truly love and be loved for one more time when the time is right.

 

I do think that my husband is in much agony as I am. What kind of life is this? No affectionate, no love, no connection? I did express to him that he should find someone that can make him happy since I am not giving him the love that he deserves/needs. He is here to provide for the kids, he is a good man and also trapped.

 

If you don't have kids (sorry, you might have mentioned in your post), release both yourself and your husband. He might thank you.

[loving_life]

Thanks again, everyone. I see more sympathy than I could have expected. I see a common question here: what stops me? Very good question. I know it's a fear, but fear of what? I am asking this question over and over again. I guess I fear to hurt my husband and embarrass himself and myself. To those who goes through separation started by their spouse, know that I feel for you, and please be assured it's not easy to be on this side.

 

I wil keep you posted... today has been a rough day for me. Lot's of thinking and agonizing. Time to sleep...

[standtall]

LL, here is my 2 cents. Marriage is for life, and you have decided to abandon yours...simple. Instead of growing together, you have decided to grow apart. I don't recall you mentioning any type of marriage counseling in your posts, or anything on your part that said you tried to fix the marriage in the past..for how long now...25 yrs?

 

Your statement

I fell out of love a long time ago, but the marriage was was convenient, I was consumed raising our son, working and such

 

reminds me of what I posted a week ago on another thread, as being a consequence of a woman who puts her children first in front of the their spouse..you're reaping what you have sown. Sounds like you took your marriage vows very lightly.

 

Sometimes I feel like I get more emotion and character out of my dog than out my husband.

 

says a lot about you. I would love to hear his side of the story...I wonder what he thinks about you? Your nerdy, embarrassing husband is fortunate to have someone like you covering his back. There is a dog here, and it ain't him.

 

Good luck..there is a huge market for middle aged women out there.

Edited April 10, 2012 by standtall

[maybealone]

Our marital situations are very similar, OP. I have been trying for a year to work on our issues (without MC as he is against it) and have not had any success, but I still recommend talking to him and trying, if for no other reason than to minimize regrets. I was direct -- I told him I was no longer in love but wanted to give it chance and see if I could fall back in love. In my case, it hasn't worked but maybe your case will be different. I wouldn't give it a year like I did though. I knew a couple of months in that he wasn't trying and I should have stopped trying after that.

 

He rarely asks why I stay so late, I might as well be cheating on him, seems like he just doesn't care. I go out for drinks without him with my guy friends and he doesn't care. I could be flirting online in front of him and he never asks what I do.

 

For my marriage, this is my second biggest issue (with lack of sex being the first). He has no interest in my work life, my personal life, who I spend my time with, and what I do. He travels a lot for work and when he can't reach me, he never asks where I've been.

 

And the only reason I go out without him when he is around is because he never wants to go out. He tells me to go out and have fun. I've tried to explain that I'd rather do something with him, that I didn't get married to go out with my friends alone. But if I stay home with him, he ignores me, so that doesn't do me much good either.

 

It's sad when acquaintances have more interest in my life than my husband, and I actually do have a pretty interesting life.

 

... so I hear arguments like "try to fall in love with your husband again", "channel your affection for other man into your husband" and such. How does it make sense to anyone? At this point I have a better chance to fall in love with a complete stranger on the street than my husband.

 

It made sense to me, and I wanted to try. I hoped that I could fall back in love with him because, as the saying goes, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. We still had some things in common -- same taste in restaurants and TV shows, for example -- and I would have much preferred to recapture love with the man I already knew rather than get to know a new one.

 

reminds me of what I posted a week ago on another thread, as being a consequence of a woman who puts her children first in front of the their spouse..you're reaping what you have sown. Sounds like you took your marriage vows very lightly.

 

Not necessarily. I have no kids and always put my marriage first. My husband has admitted to me that he didn't put the marriage first because he assumed I would never leave him.

 

Sometimes I feel like I get more emotion and character out of my dog than out my husband.

says a lot about you. I would love to hear his side of the story...I wonder what he thinks about you? Your nerdy, embarrassing husband is fortunate to have someone like you covering his back. There is a dog here, and it ain't him.

 

I would be interested in his side of the story too, since to me it sounds like he has taken for granted the idea that she is tied to him by that 25-year-old signed piece of paper. Her dog probably shows more interest in her life than her husband does. I know my dog does.

[standtall]

 

 

Not necessarily. I have no kids and always put my marriage first. My husband has admitted to me that he didn't put the marriage first because he assumed I would never leave him.

 

 

I was talking about her, not you.

 

 

I would be interested in his side of the story too, since to me it sounds like he has taken for granted the idea that she is tied to him by that 25-year-old signed piece of paper. Her dog probably shows more interest in her life than her husband does. I know my dog does.

 

Nice of you to put up the goal posts for me. Since your story is so much like the op's, it would appear that there are 2 dogs here.

 

BTW, nice threadjacking.

Edited April 10, 2012 by standtall

[maybealone]

I was talking about her, not you.

 

So was I. Not all failed marriages are due to one person putting the kids and other things above their spouse, and I saw nothing in the OP's post to indicate that she did that.

 

Nice of you to put up the goal posts for me. Since your story is so much like the op's, it would appear that there are 2 dogs here.

 

BTW, nice threadjacking.

 

Nice helpful advice.

[standtall]

So was I.

 

No you were not, here it is.

 

Not necessarily. I have no kids and always put my marriage first. My husband has admitted to me that he didn't put the marriage first because he assumed I would never leave him.

 

Next,

Not all failed marriages are due to one person putting the kids and other things above their spouse, and I saw nothing in the OP's post to indicate that she did that.

 

Well, here is the statement that indicated the OP put her child before her marriage.

 

I fell out of love a long time ago, but the marriage was was convenient, I was consumed raising our son, working and such

 

 

 

My advice is as helpful as yours, but I did it without thread jacking/talking about myself or playing cheerleader to what a lot of people consider narcissistic marital behavior. I'm done debating with you as I'm more interested in some additional info from the OP as to why she just "fell out of love"..there has to be more to it than that as I do not see the OP having a monopoly on perfect marital behavior...far from it. She thus far has admitted to an EA, marriage of convenience, consumed raising her son and working..not on her marriage, thinks her husband is below her dog even though he is a nice guy and didn't do anything wrong...I think the point is made.

Edited April 10, 2012 by standtall

[maybealone]

I'm done debating with you

 

Well, that's a relief for me. Thanks.

 

OP, to summarize my earlier post, I do think it would be beneficial to invest some time into seeing if you can both figure out what went wrong and whether or not you can recapture those feelings of love. And not because there is not "a huge market for middle aged women out there," but because you have a history together and once had those feelings. Then if you end up splitting up, you at least can look back with fewer regrets.

[loving_life]

all right! I see some sparks flying!

 

on marriage counseling: I don't believe in it. It may work for some people, I am denying it, but it won't work for me. You may disagree, but that's what I think. I think it works for people who have practical problems, like "why there is no toilet paper in the bathroom" and "who takes the garbage out". Who the heck cares and why it's even an issue to some people, it's beyond my understanding. I think the same about the books like "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus". You can learn how to live without killing each other, but that's not our problem, we don't hate each other, we just stopped caring about each other.

 

on children: how can anyone accuse a woman caring more about their children than a husband? stadtall, you are obviously a man who never had kids. Yes, I put my son's interests above my husbands interests. What did you want me to do? Like, when our son had a football practices at 4:30 pm twice a week and my husband was EXTREMELY BUSY at work so I had to leave work early, drive him to every single practice, wait for him, come home, help with homework, fix some dinner that my son would eat and then see my husband show up at 8 pm, look at the leftover dinner and say he was not interested in eating, was it me putting my son's interests above his when I was to tired to have sex that night? And yeah, I did ask my husband multiple times to help with out son's after school activities, and every time he told me his boss would get mad at him, or that he had a 5 pm meeting, or that I should call somebody to arrange a carpool for our son. He basically told me our son's activities was my responsibility... he never demanded food in the house or sex in bed, but the rules were clear - his job was sacred, our son's activities was my problem. So what should I've done? quit my job? deny my son's activities? Or when our son was a newborn and it was my problem to get up 3 times every night to change/feed him, was it putting my son's interests above my husband's? In the morning I would ask him: did you hear the baby cry 3 times tonight, and he would say: "no, i sleep tight". From the very beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in the "baby stuff". I had a full-time job and a full-time baby on my hands (with some day care help), how can anyone accuse me of putting my son's interests above my husband's? I am not complaining, by the way, I always enjoyed taking care of my son, he is the only reason I live and he gives me so much joy even when he is in his 20s how. We are very close. I love him so much.

 

@standtal: I find your comment about a market for middle-age women immature and showing your own insecurities. It was obviously meant to hurt me, but I am just brushing it off. I don't know your personal story and why you are here on LS forum, but seeing human relationships as a market is probably why you are here and I feel sorry for you. But let's accept your terminology for a minute... Yes, I do believe and know for sure there is a "market" for middle-age women out there. Wait until you grow up and find out by yourself (lol!)

 

and as far as "my nerdy husband covering my back", I don't quite get you, stadtall. No one is covering my back. I am trying to be honest with what I feel, and that's what I feel. Is it pretty? No, it's not. I would love one day to hear what he feels about me and hear his side, so far all my enquiries led to a silence or statements like "you ask too many questions, you have everything, what else do yo want". It's just how he is. I would LOVE one day to hear him speak what he really feels, I tried to pull it out of him, believe me. Anything... like "I love you", or "I hate you", or "I don't care about you", or "you are too fat", or "your cooking sucks". anything!!!!

 

ok ... enough for today...

[standtall]

Okay, where shall I begin.

 

First the personal.... I have been married to my stay at home wife for 17 yrs, with 3 school age children that all play more than 1 high level travel sport. Between the 3, they play no less than 150 hockey games per year. That does not count the 4 baseball teams between the 3, and my youngest's fall football. I currently coach more than 1 of these teams. My wife and I talk openly and do everything together as a family, and are on our first marriage and have no problems worth mentioning.

 

We model our marriage after our wedding vows that state that you put God, your spouse, and children in your life..in that order. A family that prays together, stays together. A family's foundation is based on the husband to wife relationship, not the mother to child, nor the father to child. The two parents can't be divided against themselves when raising the children..... they must be a united force. Eventually, the children grow up and move out of the house, leaving the husband and wife to their relationship..At that time, the marriage may and often does crumble because the past few decades have completely revolved around the children, as you can attest to. I have talked to the longest married people that I have known (50 and 60 yrs) and asked them what kept them togethr, and they all told me in some form or other that their first love was their spouse. I believe that a main reason to why the divorce rate is what it is today because the spouses fail to put each before their children...or themselves.

 

So, your assumption that I do not have children is not correct. Also, I didn't say " "my nerdy husband covering my back", I said

Your nerdy, embarrassing husband is fortunate to have someone like you covering his back.

 

which was sarcastic..it inferred that you were not covering his back at all, but actually betraying him..and yes, your EA is a betrayal.

 

As far as the immature statements..you set the bar pretty low with your comment about your husband.

Sometimes I feel like I get more emotion and character out of my dog than out my husband

 

I merely responded quid pro quo as the only person here defending your husband thus far. It was obviously a comment meant to pointlessly demean and diminish your husband, and I did not brush it off. So as far as I am concerned when it comes to immaturity, you're the pot calling the kettle...black.

 

Now, back to your situation. Since you know where I am coming from, and I am not going to jump on the "you go girl" bandwagon, then my opinion is going to differ from the other posters. If we all had the same point of view here, then this wouldn't be much of a forum, now would it?

 

The fact that you have admitted that you don't believe in marriage counseling or getting any type of outside help for your marriage, had an EA with another man, that you were "consumed" raising your son, and that you have absolutely no respect at all for your faithful, "very nice man... in a nerdy kinda way." husband, indicates that an equal share holder in the failure of your marriage is....you. Of course I am only basing this on what you have revealed thus far. Sorry that you don't like my opinion, but you asked.

 

so this is a very short version of my story... can anyone relate to this? What do you all think?

 

You know what I think...you are to blame just as much as your husband.

Edited April 11, 2012 by standtall

[westrock]

on marriage counseling: I don't believe in it. It may work for some people, I am denying it, but it won't work for me. You may disagree, but that's what I think. I think it works for people who have practical problems, like "why there is no toilet paper in the bathroom" and "who takes the garbage out". Who the heck cares and why it's even an issue to some people, it's beyond my understanding. I think the same about the books like "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus". You can learn how to live without killing each other, but that's not our problem, we don't hate each other, we just stopped caring about each other.

 

Loving_life,

 

Then there's not much more you can do here. What different outcome are you expecting? The relationship you are experiencing is directly related to what you're putting into it.

 

If you don't like the relationship you have three basic choices: 1. do what's necesary to fix it, 2. end it, or 3. accept what you have. There really is no other choice. It seems you're not willing to do 1 or 2, so by default you're doing 3 but you're not happy.

 

The reason why you are stuck is that you are conflicted. You can't see a clear answer either way as to what to do because all your options have pluses and minuses. Even though you don't want to go to couples counelling, you should consider individual counselling where just you go for the purpose of helping you resolve your conflict.

 

I think the advice I wrote above is still valid:

From your comments, it seems you have no interest in continuing with him or even trying to turn this around. That's fine, but you should then just end the relationship now and stop pretending anymore.

...

Continuing like this is not beneficial to you or your husband's wellbeing. If he deserves better than you as you say, then just let him be free so he can find another woman who will love him the way he deserves and you can then move on with your life.

 

Your post title is "why stay married when it's a lie". Only you can answer why you are staying. Since you're not interested in fixing the relationship, then my answer to the question is that you can't stay married and your only way to move forward is to stop lying to yourself and everyone else. But, until you come to that conclusion you will continue to remain conflicted.

[elfman]

 

1) On marriage counseling: I don't believe in it. It may work for some people, I am denying it, but it won't work for me. You may disagree, but that's what I think. I think it works for people who have practical problems, like "why there is no toilet paper in the bathroom" and "who takes the garbage out".

 

2) how can anyone accuse a woman caring more about their children than a husband?

 

3) Yes, I do believe and know for sure there is a "market" for middle-age women out there.

 

Hey LL

Just some thoughts:

 

1) Do you really think millions of people the world over have paid counselors billions of dollars to get help on who throws out the trash? I believe the reason you're not considering MC is: A) You already gave up on your marriage. B) You're scared your therapist will tell you that you acted wrongly (he will ask for full disclosure of your EA and PA, if he's any sort of professional), and give your spouse some sort of comfort by it. You need to be strong at the moment, and beginning to consider the moral issues of your behavior will undoubtedly affect your strength. This is your choice, (it is selfish), but it does not mean MC does not work.

 

2) Of course you will BOTH place your children's needs above your own, its part of parenting and not something people will congratulate you on or admire you for, (if you don't do it, you're just wrong). What the OP meant was that, in making sure your children's needs are met, most people fail to realize that they are being negligent toward what their partner's needs, (case in point, your husband toward you, and you toward your husband), and that once the kids leave for school/marriage or whatever, the home is really empty of any emotion, and this is when it crumbles. Your failure to be good spouses for each other is a shared responsibility, and both of you are paying the price. Like I said before, I would bet my left nut that your husband is not happy. And you went ahead and stepped out of the marriage vows by having EA's and PA's.

 

3) You would know, you've been in the market. You put yourself there by cheating on your husband. But remember, and this is something that any person with enough maturity realizes: Affairs cannot be considered real relationships, they do not qualify as reality for obvious reasons. What the OP was getting at is that competition out there is visceral, I am sure you can get around it by being outgoing, goodlooking, etc., but it is still hard, for both men and women.

 

I believe your course of action is pretty clear, and I do not know what is holding you back and keeping you wound up. Talk to you H and get it over with. What are you considering right now? You have said you do not want to hurt and embarrass your husband, I am sorry to burst your bubble honey, but you already did this by cheating on him.

 

Hope this helps.

 

E.

Edited April 11, 2012 by elfman