Why stay married when it's a lie?

[loving_life]

ok, my last post on this thread. All that could have been said, has been said already.

 

To all people who ask all kind of questions - you don't think I haven't asked all this questions myself? But I do appreciate them. Makes me believe I am on my track to make a right decision. So far I haven't missed a single question, and I have asked many many many more questions.

 

To all who claim they are happy in their marriage. I am not gonna argue with you, of course. But just an observation.... what the heck are you doing here on this forum commenting on people problems instead of watching a movie with your kids or talking to you spouse? Does your wife know you post here? There is something bugging you inside... be honest. I've heard that people with very strong opinions on something, are guilty of the same thing... But it's your life... see you on another thread, perhaps.

[health]

Hello everyone. Just found this forum and this is my first post.

 

Don't know how tell my story in a few paragraphs... The bottom line is that I have been married to my husband for 25 years and have been contemplating divorce/separation for about 10 months now. We have a son, but he is an adult now living away in a college.

 

Apart from most people on this forum, I am the "bad" one in the marriage. I fell out of love a long time ago, but the marriage was was convenient, I was consumed raising our son, working and such. We had what most people consider a "happy" life - good jobs, financial stability, good health, expensive vacations.

 

My husband is a very nice man... in a nerdy kinda way. I remember being in love with him. He was my first real boyfriend, my first intimate partner... we married very young, barely out of high school. It was a different life. I can't explain what happened, but I don't find him interesting anymore. I find him boring. I am ashamed of him. I find him socially awkward. I don't like bringing him to work parties, because he either stays quiet or says something very stupid. I feel bad for thinking that way about him, but I can't help myself. I started hiding him from my work friends. We actually don't have mutual friends anymore aside from old college friends. I started having my own friends, and he just doesn't have any friends on his own. And yes, I started having emotional affairs with other men (and one man in particular, but I will tell you later about him). I didn't even realize I was cheating emotionally it until it hit me. There even has been physical cheating on my part about 10 years ago. He doesn't know about it.

 

Other facts: my husband is nice to me, we never argue, he does everything I tell him to do and he lets me do whatever I want to do. I feel like he lost his identity somehow, maybe because of me. Sometimes I feel like I get more emotion and character out of my dog than out my husband. Even though on the surface our marriage seems to be ok, those who look closer may find it weird. Our sex life stopped 5 years ago and I sleep in a separate room now for about a year. He didn't even asked why and pretended everything was ok. I got involved in a hobby that takes me out of the house 3-4 times a week, sometimes very late. He rarely asks why I stay so late, I might as well be cheating on him, seems like he just doesn't care. I go out for drinks without him with my guy friends and he doesn't care. I could be flirting online in front of him and he never asks what I do. We don't cook anymore and eat separate meals at different times, mostly take-outs or just whatever is in the fridge. On weekends, we do separate things, like he would go to work and to a movie. The movies that he likes don't interest me (action movies are his favorite), and he finds my taste strange. We stopped going on vacations together. We behave more like roommates than a couple. To me, our marriage has died already. I tried to talk to him, asking if he was happy, and he said "yes". I said "do you want to live this life forever?". and he said "yes, why not?". Isn't that strange? He obviously thinks nothing is wrong.

 

... so I hear arguments like "try to fall in love with your husband again", "channel your affection for other man into your husband" and such. How does it make sense to anyone? At this point I have a better chance to fall in love with a complete stranger on the street than my husband. I don't hate him, he has done nothing wrong for me to hate him, but we became different people.

 

Why is when people date and something doesn't work out for either of them, everyone's advice is "don't rush to marry, think about it, move on, look out for yourself, don't get involved with a wrong person". But once you sign that marriage paper, everyone yells: "work on it, stay married, don't give up even if you are miserable".

 

I am not making any excuses for myself. I am taking full responsibility for falling out of our marriage emotionally and physically. I stepped over the line. I might as well officially admit it and get a divorce. So at least I won't feel guilty connecting to other men. I have no interest in taking counseling, because if they tell me to sleep in the same bed with him, I would just say "no, it's not gonna happen". It's over. I just need courage to tell him. The only and only thing that stops me is that everyone around, including my family, will be very surprised and upset, because we (I) always pretended everything was perfect, and it's not. I will be the "bad" one, but I am already bad, so at least I need to be honest. So at this point it's a choice between: living my life like everybody else wants me and lie, or living it the way I want it and stop lying. And I want a divorce.

 

so this is a very short version of my story... can anyone relate to this? What do you all think?

 

It must have been eating you from the inside carrying all of those secrets.

Wow. Sorry. I suggest you come clean, leave your husband go find your happiness and allow him to find his.

[FindingE]

You have gotten a lot of advice and analysis here, and that is good for you to hear. There are many here who have been in similar situations and I am sure have heard it all in these forums.

 

All I heard as I read your post was that you miss being in love, and I know just how you feel because that is where I am right now, though not for as long. You're missing having a lover, a confidante, that "someone" who makes the world go around. Based on what you wrote, that isn't going to be your husband, ever.

 

So, I echo other posters in that I ask - what are you waiting for? Just get out of this dead marriage and move on, you won't feel free to find your happiness until you do.

[standtall]

 

To all who claim they are happy in their marriage. I am not gonna argue with you, of course. But just an observation.... what the heck are you doing here on this forum commenting on people problems instead of watching a movie with your kids or talking to you spouse? Does your wife know you post here?

 

Great question, and I have some answers.

 

1. One does not have to be in a screwed up partnership, second marriage, miserable situation, or a BS to post here.

 

2. I am at a rink, field, arena, or court 6 days a week. A lot of the time I am just another parent on the sideline , and most of the time I am posting to this from my phone...not now though.

 

3. Yes my wife knows I posts here....and she loves it. Every time I say something kind or positive to her when in the past it would have been a complaint, I know this helps.

 

 

There is something bugging you inside... be honest. I've heard that people with very strong opinions on something, are guilty of the same thing

 

You made a fantastic observation. I post here as a form of self therapy. I found this site while searching online for ways to be a better husband to my wife....watering the garden so to speak, before anything starts to wither. When I read on here how screwed up other people's marriages are, it makes me appreciate my wife and my marriage even more. Your situation is case and point. How would you feel if your husband had gone online 15 yrs ago to make himself a better husband? Do you think you would be happier now? What if your husband had watered the garden?

 

I took your thread personal. I could hear my wife through you (with the exception of your cheating, condescending contempt for your husband, and other admitted narcissistic behaviors]. Even though my wife would never divorce me..she is way to Christian for that...I can see my wife becoming unhappy with 20 yrs of the kid grind, and when they are gone it is just us. I'm going to make sure there is something left.

 

Back to you. So why are checking out of this thread? Did you hear some things that you didn't want to hear? Some posters daring to suggest that it's you and not him? Is that why you won't go to MC...for fear that they will tell you that you are an equal or main cause of your failed marriage?

 

It sounds as if you have already checked out on the marriage and have zero interest in fixing it. Do your husband a favor and let him move on.

Edited April 13, 2012 by standtall

[analystfromhell]

Please treat your husband fairly. Don't drag him through the courts, don't take all his assets, don't demand alimony. Please take responsibility for yourself in all aspects of your life- not just your love life.

[westrock]

To all people who ask all kind of questions - you don't think I haven't asked all this questions myself?

 

What then is your answer to those questions?

 

I think you're afraid of what your family and friends are going to think and you're looking for validation from other posters that it's okay to leave. To get that validation you framed your question ("why stay married when it's a lie?") in such a way that the only answer that makes the most common sense is that there is no reason to stay in a marriage.

 

I can't think of any reason to stay in a marraige when it is a "lie". But, the other posters here also know there is more to that question and are trying to give you other perspectives including how to turn it around if you wanted, but it seems you've already decided you want to leave the marriage but are afraid to carry out that decision because there will be consequences.

 

If you want to leave, then just do it and leave. It's okay. It's your life. No one here is going to judge you for that. You could have asked "I'm not happy, how can I fix this?", but you didn't. As such, since you want out, the better question you should be asking is "I'm not happy, how do I get out of this marriage?"

 

The other posters know you're hurting, they know your marriage is not working, but they have experiences too that you could benefit from. There's nothing wrong from having the input of posters who are in happy marriages -- they might know a thing or two that might benefit you. They know your marriage can be turned around, but you're not open to that option and no one here will be able to convince you otherwise.

 

In reading your posts it sounds to me like you are looking for a way out of the marriage without having to take responsibility for your role in its demise. Yes, your husband is not the model husband, he has to take responsibility for what's happened, but so do you. It takes two for a marriage. If you leave this marriage, your issues will follow you into your next relationship.

 

However, in the end it doesn't matter what any poster here thinks because there is no one right answer. The right answer for you is what you believe is the right answer.

[elfman]

Hey Napste, I reported you as spam, really, this is not the place you want to be ****ing around with people, we all are on the edge of our patience as it is.

 

E.