It's all gone Pete Tong

[Ceaser]

Hi

 

I have been lurking on the forums for about a week now and am coming out of the shadows. I am 42 my wife turned 40 in January. In October 2011 I took voluntary redundancy and have been using the time since to improve my qualification and skills to get a better job. I have been married to my wife for the past 9 years and have known each other for 15 years. Our courtship was long distance (we visited each other a lot and talked on the phone), she is American and I am a Brit and she moved over here. Our sex life has been on and off and for the past year it has been non existent. When I have asked my wife about this she says it is because she is overweight and will probably feel more like sex when she loses weight. She has always been overweight and I have always said to her that I don't care how overweight you are, you are beautiful to me and I love you for who you are, not what you think you look like.

 

Anyway, over the last month things started to spiral out of control between us. About three weeks ago she got up in the middle of the night and was playing live poker on the Xbox, she was chatting to other people and I kept asking her if she could keep it down a bit because I was trying to sleep. She kept quiet and then it got noisy again, and I kept asking her to kept it down. Until, I got a really angry, stormed into the kitchen and lit up a cigarette. My wife hates me smoking but as it was quite late and I was in my nightgown I smoked anyway.

 

Later she got in the bed and apologised and I asked her who she was talking to and it was some 20 year guy. This happened on a couple more occasions over the week and I started getting a sense that something wasn't right. On a Friday morning she was off to work and she was putting on her make up and I made an in joke which we always have with each other and I said who are you dressing up for, she replied "I am f.ucking a 20 year old." This floored me but I didn't say anything. She then said "You know I wouldn't do that don't you?" I nodded and didn't say anything.

 

Anyway on the Saturday she is being incredible distant and not responding to my affections and alarm bells started ringing in my head. That night as she was taking a bath she had left her phone on the table and I hated to do this and I had never looked at her phone before but I felt compelled. To my abject horror I noticed that there were texts from this guy she had been talking to on the Xbox. Messages from him like "I really miss the sound of your voice honey" She also had a text saying she would call him later.

 

I went into a panic mode went into the bathroom and asked why she she seemed so distant today. She denied this. Anyway, that night as she was sleeping I checked her phone again and she had deleted all the messages. As she was sleeping, I woke her and asked her if she was having an affair, she got really mad and we had a row. At the end of the row we both agreed to talk about this on the Monday as we were both exhausted from the argument.

 

On the Monday we arranged to meet in the pub and talk. She basically started talking about divorce and seperation. I probably then made the mistake of saying that she needed to make her mind up by the following Sunday. On the Sunday she gave me the whole I love you but am not in love with you stuff and she wanted a divorce. I said that we should both go to an MC she didn't want to do this. I had also asked her about this 20 year and she said that she had never met him in person but they had called and texted each other. I asked what they talked about and she said that he had a child and was having problems with his girlfriend and she had told him about our problems. I got a bit angry at this point and said why would you rather talk to a 20 year about our marriage and not come to me first. She didn't answer and she did look me in the eye all the time and insist there was nothing going on.

 

I said that I would try and move out but it could take me a while due to my current job situation (although I am applying for loads of jobs everyday and studying I have had no success). I still have enough to pay for my part of the bills.

 

I went to see an MC on the following Friday. Speaking to the MC for some reason changed my mind about moving out and when I got home, my wife asked me how it went and said something about me moving out. I said that I was not going to move out and as she was the one giving up on our marriage she should be the one who is going. She got really upset about this.

 

I have been attempting the 180 technique by not calling her, begging her to stay etc. Although in the pub we were joking about a piece of bloody tissue we had both noticed in the bathroom, probably from my poor shaving and I said if I pick it up and get rid of it will you stay? She said what would you do if I said yes, I said we would both need to go straight to marriage guidance. She didn't say anything. I then think I made the mistake of saying "you know I still love you right?" and she said she loved me too.

 

The last couple of weeks have been a bit spiky between us but we seem to have been acting mostly normal by watching films on the telly and making jokes with each other. I have virtually withdrawn all physical affection apart from when she starts crying and I feel like I have to hug her. She had withdrew affection recently but tries weird obscure affection with me like ruffling my hair and rubbing my head. I am a really affectionate person normally so finding withdrawing affection from someone a bit hard, but doing a good job.

 

So basically the current situation is that she has found a place and is moving out this Tuesday (6 month contract) and is likely to be lodging the divorce papers soon. I am devastated but putting on a confident demeanour in front of her. Having read up online about the 180 I am not too sure what to do if she calls to meet up e.g do I keep it formal and friendly and do I never mention our relationship unless she brings it up?

 

She keeps saying that I have been her best friend and I have told her that I not sure if I continue staying in contact with her. She asked me not to change my mobile number, although I mentioned changing my number. I did tell her that if I experienced relationship split ups in the past I generally treated that person as if they no longer existed.

 

Lastly I have read up online regarding relationships and I am starting to think that she is passive aggressive and I am codependent. I say this because at one point she said that she had withheld sex from me at times due to long standing resentments. Also, I do the majority of the housework and it ends up into an argument if ever I ask her to help out or she does this I will do it in my own time routine and then doesn't.

 

Sorry if this post seems all over the place but any advice you can give would really help me out. I do love my wife to bits but would not take her back unless we sorted out our mental quirks, but I also get the feeling that she may not be coming back.

[january2011]

I don't have any specific advice for you other than to encourage you to carry on with your plans regarding studying and finding work as well as the sessions with the MC. It is clear that your wife has been withdrawing from the marriage for a while now. There appears to be more going on than meets the eye. There could be someone else involved but it's not certain. It may be that your wife doesn't really know what's going on, other than she doesn't want to be in this marriage anymore. But until she is honest with you and herself, you're not really going to know what you're dealing with here. All you can do is respect her wishes where it concerns herself and focus on your goals when it comes to your own life.

[jaymz]

Sorry dude, but the "I love you but not in love with you" means she is sleeping with another man.

 

Time to get organised, see a lawyer, start seperating your finances etc, get the house on the market, start NC, start 180 and plan for your new life.

[Ceaser]

Thanks you both for your responses. How does NC work? Does it involve deleting her from my friends on FB? I have not told my Mum about what is going on because she is old and quite ill at the moment. My wife did say the other day that she wants to post on FB about her moving to a new place but doesn't want my Mum to find out about what is going on from other people so I said I will tell her this week. If my wife contacts me when she moves out do I just keep it formal? Also when she moves out on Tuesday should I be there? Help her? Or just not be around?

 

Luckily we don't have children just two cats who we both love but I said I will look after them until I have to move out myself if my job situation does not improve. Also we rent so no mortgage.

 

Early on in our marriage when we were having problems she complained to the MC that I sulked a lot. This was something I took on board and instead of sulking would show my anger by being vocal about it if I was upset about something. I was never personal in my anger. She now complains that I vent my feelings and then five minutes later I am okay and forget about whatever I was angry about, she does not know how to deal with this. I am now really confused as to how I express anger if I am upset about something. It seems that she cannot deal with my anger.

 

When things went belly up in the last few weeks and I suggested going to see an MC and she refused, I admitted that I had issues that needed to be dealt with but that she did too, and if we were in the future looking to move on and see other people that it would probably be a good idea to get these issues resolved so we didn't repeat the same behaviour with other people. Again, she wasn't interested.

 

As far as getting a lawyer goes I think we are going to try and do an unconstested divorce. The only grounds I think she could put for me is unreasonable behaviour but this could apply to her just as easily. I have certainly never cheated on her or abused her. Do I wait for her to file the divorce before I get a lawyer, or should I go to the Citizens Advice Bureau and try and get a lawyer now through Legal Aid? I want her to take responsiblility for the divorce as this is her decision.

 

Anyway, this has to be the worst Easter of my life but thanks for your advice.

[Ceaser]

Okay, so she is isn't coming back until tomorrow and she leaves on Tuesday. I don't know what to do with the wedding ring and thought I'd put it in a handbag she left lying around. In the pocket I was going to put it in I found a note obviously addressed to 20 year old guy but either never sent:

 

"I love you, but I cannot tell you. I think that you love me, but cannot tell me. In only five days you gave me a happiness I would not find. I thought I would never find the sound of your voice uplift my spirits. Listening to your dreams give me hope for the future. When you went quiet it was like losing the quietest love of my life. Perhaps it silly to think like that. How impossible it seems that talking to you could make me feel so deeply. It is as if you that I dreamt of in a man and despite any ..unreadable...I thought I could give myself to you without a second thought. I can only hope to hear your voice again to to that what I find is no illusion."

 

The letter almost sounds like a schoolgirl crush on someone. I am speechless. Do I initiate the divorce? Do I just wrap the ring around the letter and leave it on the table for her to find when she comes back tomorow. I don't really want to be there when she comes back tomorrow or Tuesday. I am reeling from this and I am hurting loads.

[jaymz]

First thing to do is go and see a family solictor, some have free initial sessions or do the first hour at a reduced rate. Go armed with lots of questions and get the most out of that session. I did and it was a huge eye opener on what the divorce process is.

 

All joint pictures, rings, gifts etc: Find them, put them in a box, seal it and put it away out of site (in the loft, friends house etc).

 

Can an agreement of what she is taking with her. Once she has gone change the locks and take her off the rental agreement.

 

Seperate your finances: Close joint accounts. Anything in her name she can now pay for.

 

Go full NC: Only communicate through a solictor can be expensive but can preserve your sanity if required. Block her on FB, remove anyone that is "her friend only". Tell all your family and friends what is going on, they can be a great support network for you. Tell work what is happening, they know then they will be much more sympathetic to you and can help with extra time off, advice, employee services etc.

 

Your wife may start to kick and scream about the above. let her and ignore it. If she wants a new life then she can stand on her own two feet.

 

Start working on yourself: Join a gym, go running, start a hobby, go out with friends, buy yourself some new clothes etc. An occupied mind and a tired body does not allow you to dwell on your situation, this is very important.

 

Its the start of a new life for you. It may seem dark and cold at times, but these are the times you need to keep moving forward... when you look back you may be surprised how far you have got.

 

Good luck buddy.

[Ceaser]

Thanks. Do I give her an indication that I found the note describing her feelings for this guy? I took a photocopy as evidence. I don't know whether I should be around when she comes back tomorrow or leaves on Tuesday. I am not currently employed although in the process of trying to set up my own business and look for work in the meantime. Lost my job and losing my wife, lucky I don't have a car or I would lose that too and be able to sing the blues!

[jaymz]

No. Just take a copy of it.

 

You need to agree what she can take.

[robf1971]

"I am f.ucking a 20 year old." .

 

Hi,

 

The only way to have a small chance of 'winning' back your wife if that's what you want is to let her go with a smile on your face.

 

It's great that she's leaving, help her pack and even offer to take them round to her new BF's house. In fact take it a step further, leave it in his drive!!, make sure you tell his GF too!!

 

Then Lawyer up. Don't start throwing the word divorce around, just make sure you're protected. If she rings up and starts freaking that you've got a lawyer just say'

 

'It's to ensure both of us get a fair settlement'

 

In fact your best bet is to drop off the face of the earth, don't respnd to any of her calls, emails texts or anything. Let her go hang out with her 20 year old.

[standtall]

This post is so insane sounding as to almost seem trollish. A middle aged, fat chick leaving her husband for some 20 yr old on Xbox?

 

Ceasar, it sounds as if she has already done checked out of this one. Married 9 yrs, no kids, no joint marital property...your path is clear. Divorce her, but be prepared to have her come begging you to come back, as I don't see much of a future for a 40 yr old, fat woman hooking up with a 20 yr old she met on xbox. When she does come begging to come back, take the upper hand and assert your new dominant role in the marriage.

 

Btw, get rid of the nightgown...nobody here shouldn't have to explain why.

Edited April 10, 2012 by standtall

[robf1971]

When she does come begging to come back, take the upper hand and assert your new dominant role in the marriage.

 

Actually make her walk over broken glass barefoot (metaphorically speaking of course) fo her to even be able to have the chance to get back with you. You are worth more than this BS.

[elfman]

Let us pray together: "Dear Lord, please forgive my wife her stupidity, she knows not what she does"... Come on! Buddy! This thing with the 20 year old is going to blow up worst than the Hindenburg... This guy probably does nothing but play x-box, jerk off and lives with his parents, most likely. Seriously, how many of you had to have a relationship through a game console at 20?

 

I would follow JayMz's advice, he knows his ****, read his story, he's been there, he's done that... Thank god you have no kids, makes it soooo much easier.

 

Whatever you do, start NC right away... make her see that you will not tolerate this sort of Bull****...

 

Do you want her back? I don't think I read that in your story.

 

Keep posting, it helps.

 

E.

[Ceaser]

Okay, she has taken some stuff to her new place today but doesn't want to totally move in until Saturday. I am not going to help her move because that would mean I am even more of doormat then I already am. I think that the 180 is freaking her out a bit. Last night we were watching something and I started laughing my head off and she kept bursting in to tears.

 

I have lost weight a lot of weight probably due to the stress, but I have told her that my weight loss is intentional. I went swimming today. The truth is I want her back but only if she gets therapy or MC, she needs to change as do I but I am the only one that seems to recognize it. She does have serious abandonment issues from her childhood, but I seem to be punished for this.

 

I would not allow her back unless she agreed to this. About the divorce, I have basically stated that she is the one giving up on the marriage so she needs to leave the flat. I also said that she needs to be the one divorcing me. She has difficulty in life in taking responsibility so I am making her take responsibility for once.

 

When she is around I am think I am giving off an air of positivity but definitely not being clingy, needy etc. Anyhow, surreal as my situation seems I am definitely not a troll, and I have only ever trolled the Daily Mail message boards in the past for amusement.

 

I am basically trying to smile a lot when she is around but without looking like a dope. When she eventually leaves this Saturday, what would be more effective a 180 or NC?

 

Also I am going to the Citizens Advice Bureau tomorrow but as I say I am not the one initiating the divorce. Thanks to you it is nice to be able to vent.

[jaymz]

Okay, she has taken some stuff to her new place today but doesn't want to totally move in until Saturday. I am not going to help her move because that would mean I am even more of doormat then I already am. I think that the 180 is freaking her out a bit. Last night we were watching something and I started laughing my head off and she kept bursting in to tears.

 

Up to you but I like Robf suggestion: nothing says "bye" more than cheeful moving all her stuff and putting it into the new BF drive.

 

Maybe reality is starting to sink in? Maybe guilt? Who knows.

 

I have lost weight a lot of weight probably due to the stress, but I have told her that my weight loss is intentional. I went swimming today. The truth is I want her back but only if she gets therapy or MC, she needs to change as do I but I am the only one that seems to recognize it. She does have serious abandonment issues from her childhood, but I seem to be punished for this.

 

Keep up the physical stuff, pumps you full of happy drugs and keeps you occupied. Remember the 180 when she is still in the house.

 

She needs to realise that she does need help, you cannot do it for her.

 

I would not allow her back unless she agreed to this. About the divorce, I have basically stated that she is the one giving up on the marriage so she needs to leave the flat. I also said that she needs to be the one divorcing me. She has difficulty in life in taking responsibility so I am making her take responsibility for once.

 

Actions! You start the divorce proceedings otherwise it may never happen. It can always be stopped at a later date.

 

When she is around I am think I am giving off an air of positivity but definitely not being clingy, needy etc. Anyhow, surreal as my situation seems I am definitely not a troll, and I have only ever trolled the Daily Mail message boards in the past for amusement.

 

Good. Keep up the 180.

 

I am basically trying to smile a lot when she is around but without looking like a dope. When she eventually leaves this Saturday, what would be more effective a 180 or NC?

 

Once she has gone, you keep up the 180 for yourself, this is important, you want to be moving forward, planning your next steps towards your goals. Once she is out you do NC with her.

 

Also I am going to the Citizens Advice Bureau tomorrow but as I say I am not the one initiating the divorce. Thanks to you it is nice to be able to vent.

 

CAB is good start. Remember to call around some good local family lawyers and get an idea of rates etc.

 

Have you seperated finances?

 

Have you got an agreement of what she is taking?

[Ceaser]

Man I am so happy that there are people out there like yourselves who understand what I am going through. I am have only started to open up to my mates about this. Okay, where I am at the moment is that we share a joint account and there is sweet fa in there apart for money for food and bills. I have asked her to come with me on Saturday to separate it. She initially talked about splitting up the assets i.e Big Telly, Xbox wireless surround sound. But really that is our assets and neither of us are that fussed about them. I got a payout from my redundancy last year which I am living on but planning to invest in a business I am trying to create. She is only on a couple of the bills and I plan to get her taken off them shortly.

 

Okay, a but more info, we went out to breakfast a couple of weeks ago, and the conversation was a bit stilted and it was probably the first and only time I come off the 180 in an extreme apart from the snooping I will mention later. I made a bit of a sarcastic comment about some innocent comment she had made. She said "I am only trying to make conversation." A couple of seconds later I ask how is "Lew?" the 20 year new replacement model of me and she said I haven't spoken to him for ages.

 

Today I checked her phone, probably the last time I will ever get the chance to do this and there were text messages from him to her but none from her to him but she did try to call him last Thursday night after we spoke about him at breakfast. Again I have gone off the 180 as far as not spying goes, because I did need to know where it all stands.

 

I really don't know if they have ever really met in real life or if this is some kind of surreal cyber virtual thing going on, there a lots of references to loving here the sound of each others voices. He lives with his girlfriend and their baby. I am in our flat probably the majority of the time and sure they could have gone for a quick poke in a pub toilet or something. I mean there is actually no hard evidence of cheating, but I do consider what she has done as cheating in my book.

 

She got extremely pissed off when I said she was the one who had to leave because she was the one giving up. I really don't know how long I can stay here for as it is all money down the drain, but I am giving it another two months at the very most. Also saw the text from her confident who got divorced a few years ago after having an affair and is now advising my wife the text said "WTF he is making you leave but leaving in a couple of months!" I did want to reply yes you stupid f-ing adulterous trollop, so some 20 year pikey does not end up shagging my wife in the bed we have slept in for the last 9 years," but I am a man of much restraint and decorum and plus my wife would have sussed I looked at her phone.

 

So that's where I stand at the moment. I am trying to decide whether to do 180 or go full NC when she leaves. Also trying to decide whether I am the one who initiates the divorce or not (remember no solid evidence of adultery).

 

Today, she was asking me about my new email address and I said will write it down and put it in her hand bag. Which I did putting it in the same small as the letter which she drafted professing some undying love for him. That is all that is in the pocket, my email address and the draft letter to him.

 

I have been pacing up and down the flat like a tiger today, since discovering all this but writing this is helping to calm me down.

[jaymz]

Man I am so happy that there are people out there like yourselves who understand what I am going through. I am have only started to open up to my mates about this. Okay, where I am at the moment is that we share a joint account and there is sweet fa in there apart for money for food and bills. I have asked her to come with me on Saturday to separate it. She initially talked about splitting up the assets i.e Big Telly, Xbox wireless surround sound. But really that is our assets and neither of us are that fussed about them. I got a payout from my redundancy last year which I am living on but planning to invest in a business I am trying to create. She is only on a couple of the bills and I plan to get her taken off them shortly.

 

Talk to family and close friends. You will need their love and support.

Close the joint account. Open a new one in your name. Get your money moved, even if you have to get it out as cash and stash it in your mum's matress, get it done.

Get in writing what she is taking and have her sign it.

 

There are many posters on here which have gone through the same thing. Really read their advice and act on it, one of my biggest regreats is not getting my balls back sooner.

 

Okay, a but more info, we went out to breakfast a couple of weeks ago, and the conversation was a bit stilted and it was probably the first and only time I come off the 180 in an extreme apart from the snooping I will mention later. I made a bit of a sarcastic comment about some innocent comment she had made. She said "I am only trying to make conversation." A couple of seconds later I ask how is "Lew?" the 20 year new replacement model of me and she said I haven't spoken to him for ages.

 

Thats not the 180.

 

Today I checked her phone, probably the last time I will ever get the chance to do this and there were text messages from him to her but none from her to him but she did try to call him last Thursday night after we spoke about him at breakfast. Again I have gone off the 180 as far as not spying goes, because I did need to know where it all stands.

 

Thats not the 180.

 

I really don't know if they have ever really met in real life or if this is some kind of surreal cyber virtual thing going on, there a lots of references to loving here the sound of each others voices. He lives with his girlfriend and their baby. I am in our flat probably the majority of the time and sure they could have gone for a quick poke in a pub toilet or something. I mean there is actually no hard evidence of cheating, but I do consider what she has done as cheating in my book.

 

Thats not the 180. You dont need to do this. It will just give you more unanswered questions. Read the 180 again.

 

She got extremely pissed off when I said she was the one who had to leave because she was the one giving up. I really don't know how long I can stay here for as it is all money down the drain, but I am giving it another two months at the very most. Also saw the text from her confident who got divorced a few years ago after having an affair and is now advising my wife the text said "WTF he is making you leave but leaving in a couple of months!" I did want to reply yes you stupid f-ing adulterous trollop, so some 20 year pikey does not end up shagging my wife in the bed we have slept in for the last 9 years," but I am a man of much restraint and decorum and plus my wife would have sussed I looked at her phone.

 

She has a support network already in place, women are much, much better at men at a) having a network and b) using it. You havent told your friends yet, yet she has?

 

So that's where I stand at the moment. I am trying to decide whether to do 180 or go full NC when she leaves. Also trying to decide whether I am the one who initiates the divorce or not (remember no solid evidence of adultery).

 

NC when she leaves. You divorce her on grounds on adultery with an unnamed man, if she contests it you can either change or provide evidence. This is why you need to see a solicitor.

 

Today, she was asking me about my new email address and I said will write it down and put it in her hand bag. Which I did putting it in the same small as the letter which she drafted professing some undying love for him. That is all that is in the pocket, my email address and the draft letter to him.

 

That is very passive aggressive. If you need a new email address and she needs to know what it is, then just tell her it, otherwise she can contact you through your lawyer.

 

I have been pacing up and down the flat like a tiger today, since discovering all this but writing this is helping to calm me down.

 

Posting helps. But remember to keep active, eat well, talk to family & friends, start new things, plan your new life; one door closes dont stand looking at it, do a 180 and see the new doors opening for you.

[elfman]

Hey Ceaser,

 

I too find these forums and talking with friends and family are all that is keeping me going right now, that plus being with my kids and working out. If you are pacing like a tiger, put that energy to good use, I had not jogged in well over 10 years, and now I am loving my neighborhood, plus it gets me in better shape, so consider that. Also, get an ipod with some really Rocky-kind-of-music to boost up that hour, you will feel great. This is coming from me, and I am a total couch potato.

 

As to her already getting advice, and more than being a "network", I believe women are much more efficient at laying the groundwork to be accepted after their decision is made. I know from my own experience my wife has talked about how "bad" our marriage was to whoever would listen, and I believe this has more to do with gaining acceptance after the deed is done than with actually seeking "advice".

 

The confidant, who you say is divorced and because of an affair, is all alone probably... we have a saying here that goes something along the lines of "he who is swimming in **** always wants everyone else to be swimming with him", if anything she should be seeking the advice of a lawyer or a therapist, not an adulterous friend who destroyed a relationship.

 

You should start confiding in your family. What I did was talk to my mother, my sister and my brother, BUT, I did so in a cautious manner, as to not skew their view of my kid's mother in such a way to make them hate her... They will see the truth eventually, but if you really need advice you cannot lay it all on your wife, be honest, it has worked for me. By being honest you will get advice, by blaming your wife you will get rants from them that will make you feel great for a little bit.

 

As to your property, if you are not attached, just put papers in a hat with the names of anything significant, pull out half the papers, and tell her that is what you want, and she can have the rest. She may be hoping she gets the x-box I imagine

 

Keep 180'ing and NC'ing whenever possible, but don't be discouraged if you break those strategies... they're hard to do initially, I know I am struggling myself.

 

Take care,

 

E.

P.S: IMPORTANT JUST REALIZED THIS: If you have access to that letter where she praises her love for this guy why not make a copy and tuck it away??? Hope you see this in time before she destroys it. this considering that you need proof.

Edited April 11, 2012 by elfman

[Ceaser]

Okay, so this morning she is off to her new studio flat, this was funded by her Dad who sent her the money from the states. She is coming back on Friday night so we can go into the bank on Saturday morning to get her name taken off the joint account. Furthermore, I already have my redundancy money in my own personal account. In the last couple of weeks I have started to open up to my friends and family, but only a couple of these people know the full story, i.e that my wife may be trading me in for a younger model.

 

Last night, I talked to my wife about her leaving and it seems she is having second thoughts about implementing the divorce. I basically got her to really start thinking for once about the reality of our marriage and her recent rewriting of the reality of it. I never tried this a few weeks ago because it was almost like she had started believing whatever wanted to believe and she had completely shut down on me.

 

She does now seem to be genuinely f-cked up and she has lost the angry, confident, arrogant, f.uck you pose which seems to have adopted since all this started. She is now talking about separation, although not ruling divorce out completely. For majority of the last two weeks I have been given off a consistent positive vibe but remaining suitably detached from her. I think there is an element of the 180 kicking in but also could be her wanting to have her cake and eat it, in case is does not work out for her and she needs an escape route.

 

We also talked about what the ground rules for separation would be and I asked what rules would we have about dating other people. She said this was the last thing on her mind, but I pushed the point and she said well if one of us does find someone else we need to let the other person know straight away, I really think if she gets it on with her toy boy I don't think she will be letting me know about that considering the amount of times she has denied that there is anything going on.

 

She also said that I said something about a week ago which she said completely floored her when I asked her if she thought I was a bad guy and she said that this really got to her because she knows that I am someone who will even help out a complete stranger in trouble (probably my codependent nature though!). She also admitted that we do have lots of things in common but there are lots of important things which have become broken between us, this is something that I agree with too. I told her that she shouldn't take it personally but I am now going to have her on ignore on Facebook as I really do not want to know what she is up to.

 

Now, about the 20 year old. Having looked at the texts between them it does seem that he has been giving her the run around. When I try and call his number anonymously it seems to only accept text messages. I think this guy runs out of credit a lot on his phone, he obviously has no mobile package I am guessing he has no steady job. There are tons of messages from him saying "You can call me now!" at various dates and times. He is either a bit of a player or is really not interested in my wife and is stringing her along. From the timeline of the last month she seems to have fallen in love with this guy within a week without ever meeting him but obviously they have spoken and texted each other. I have also now established his full name.

 

Now Jaymz, I know that all of the above is not the doing the 180, but I needed to veer off it temporarily, so that I could get a clearer picture of the situation before she left and I think that this has helped me to get a better understanding. I am back to the full 180 from today and then still wondering whether to go full NC when she finally leaves on Saturday or do 180. Is it possible to do both? I am a bit confused by that. I know that the 180 is not to be used to win your spouse back but to improve you own well being.

 

Also Jaymz, as I am fairly new to this divorce stuff isn't is better to try and end a marriage amicably as possible without it getting viscous and nasty, because doesn't it figure that the more viscous and nasty the the divorce the more both of us will be forking out shed loads to lawyers? I am not questioning your experience in this matter, just need clarification? I mean if I did want to try and get her back with the conditions that we both seek therapy and MC then me trying to file for divorce the moment she moves out may not help matters. Sorry, if I being naive about this. I have said to her that if she files the divorce then I am probably not going to contest it unless her grounds are totally unfounded.

 

Elfman, I did take a copy of the incriminating letter. I have also a playlist call "Uplift" on my MP3 player which I created a few months ago. I will start the running and cycling this week. Surprisingly enough during all of this I have managed to keep my drinking to a minimal although I really think I am due a bit of a blow out and get really hammered with my mates at least once very soon.

 

Today I really need to knuckle down and start applying for jobs as that is so important for me to start surviving all of this.

 

Thanks again for all your advice and support.

[jaymz]

Now Jaymz, I know that all of the above is not the doing the 180, but I needed to veer off it temporarily, so that I could get a clearer picture of the situation before she left and I think that this has helped me to get a better understanding. I am back to the full 180 from today and then still wondering whether to go full NC when she finally leaves on Saturday or do 180. Is it possible to do both? I am a bit confused by that. I know that the 180 is not to be used to win your spouse back but to improve you own well being.

 

Its up to you how you deal with things. The idea behind the 180 and NC is to help YOU to heal by not talking to your ex, seeing what she is up to and then obsessing over the smallest things.

 

Also Jaymz, as I am fairly new to this divorce stuff isn't is better to try and end a marriage amicably as possible without it getting viscous and nasty, because doesn't it figure that the more viscous and nasty the the divorce the more both of us will be forking out shed loads to lawyers? I am not questioning your experience in this matter, just need clarification? I mean if I did want to try and get her back with the conditions that we both seek therapy and MC then me trying to file for divorce the moment she moves out may not help matters. Sorry, if I being naive about this. I have said to her that if she files the divorce then I am probably not going to contest it unless her grounds are totally unfounded.

 

I dont recall stating you should get nasty. You need a reason to divorce, that is the law, speak to a solicitor and they will tell you the 5 reasons that judges will accept. If she divorces you, she will choose "unreasonable behaviour" and then list every minor flaw or arguement you have had to "justify" the divorce to the judge. I choose to divorce my wife on the grounds of her adultery, she hasnt contested it and its going through reasonable smoothly. Which would you prefer?

[K Os]

I did want to reply yes you stupid f-ing adulterous trollop, so some 20 year pikey does not end up shagging my wife in the bed we have slept in for the last 9 years," but I am a man of much restraint and decorum

 

Good for you. And the thought is familiar to me. Funny how they don't seem to get this part.

[elfman]

Hey Ceaser,

 

You seem to be handling this masterfully... First, getting her to drop the Spice Girl attitude is a plus, definitely. It might not hold, but damn, I wish I could get my own Diva wife to drop her attitude for 10 seconds.

 

Keep at it, and yes, when you can safely go on a binge with the mates then definitely get wasted, I am planing my binge for next Saturday.

 

Stray strong bud, and let us know how its going.

 

E.

[Ceaser]

Jaymz thanks for clearing that up as I said I am new to all this but I will seek advice.

 

K os, I think something just snapped because I was being a doormat and I didn't want to be a doormat anymore. I think I give to much in life but I was not prepared to allow my wife shag someone else in our bed. I realised that I need to walk away from this with some dignity left.

 

Elfman, she did the whole prima donna thing a few years ago when she was going to leave me, then I followed her about like a puppy dog and begged. This time I needed to not give her that power over me.

 

Okay I am having a bit of a wobble at the moment, she did text me last night to say goodnight to me and the cats. Do I respond? Are there any links regarding NC or forums that people could point me to? Because I know that I am going to struggle with the NC.

 

Also I am trying to read all your stories regarding your break ups etc. For me she only walked out yesterday but it feels like a year.

[elfman]

 

1) Elfman, she did the whole prima donna thing a few years ago when she was going to leave me, then I followed her about like a puppy dog and begged. This time I needed to not give her that power over me.

 

2) Okay I am having a bit of a wobble at the moment, she did text me last night to say goodnight to me and the cats. Do I respond? Are there any links regarding NC or forums that people could point me to? Because I know that I am going to struggle with the NC.

 

Hey bud,

 

1) I did this too, 2 years ago, I became her personal punching bag/assistant/retarded follower. I am trying to do what you are doing this time around, since my attitude certainly did not make me more attractive to her and she is walking out again.

 

2) I cannot say for sure. I get conflicted by this all the time too:

a) I hate being impolite. b) I hate she will take a reply as a means to think she is gaining control over me again.

 

Keep it up bud, I am sure 2sunny or Jay may be able to let you know more about point 2... and me too for that matter.

 

E.

[jaymz]

Nc = no contact

 

Unless its something really important (kids, finances etc) ignore it. She is fishing to see if she still has you on the hook. Don't read anything into it. Re-read robf posts in this thread.

[Ceaser]

Cheers, she did try and ring the landline twice earlier but I didn't pick it up. I will have to face her tomorrow night as she is staying the night and then we are off to the bank on Saturday. I will revert back to the 180 for then and the go back to NC when she leaves. I was also reading about G.I.G.S (Grass is Greener Syndrome) and although I do think that this is what she is going through. That basically means she is no longer the person she was. Jesus it is awful going through this. I must try and remember to eat something.