Being the woman and the OW at the same time

[Solana]

What a mess.

 

A year ago, I was living in something less than marital bliss, but definitely something more than I have now.

 

I trusted my husband implicitly. How silly of me! I gave him every opportunity he ever needed to cheat. I encouraged every trip, every "visit to college buddies," you name it.

 

I knew our marriage was flawed, but I was sure that with his help it could be fixed. He had convinced himself otherwise.

 

So I spent a few months trying to make things better, never knowing that he had already chosen another path- or so he thought.

 

He met someone. Not the amazing someone it should have taken to lure his heart away, but a cheap, immature tramp that any idiot could have seen was all wrong for him.

 

This is not to say the woman was all bad, but she was of average intelligence, average looks, low moral values and self-esteem (obviously), and for added fun, emotionally immature. She had completely different life views, politics, you name it- everything he scoffed at in a woman, and everything different from me.

 

They told each other they were in love- she was honest, he certainly wasn't. But he had trapped himself. While he slowly poisoned his life, and destroyed everything he had always wanted- his relationship with his wife, his friendships, his job, and the only future he'd ever conceived of wanting, he lied and lied and lied to everyone he cared about.

 

Finally the moment came when I had the evidence in hand. I left him. I filed the initial paperwork. I gave him one last chance to confess, to beg for me to come back. He didn't take it.... At least not until a few days later, when it was much too late.

 

Ahh, the silliness of men. They will rend and tear every bit of life and love they can get their hands on, and only when they are left with a pile of shreds do they realize what they have done.

 

The happy ending to this story? I don't think there is one. The OW is alone, and (hopefully, from my standpoint) grossly traumatized by the bad karma she now drags like an iron ball tied to her neck.

 

Where does that leave me? Well, I'm just anOther Woman. The OW he told his OW he would leave for her, when he had no intention of doing so. The woman he is now divorced from, despite his unfruitful attempts to convince me of change. And now I'm wandering through life, blindly reaching for some impossible dream, hoping to come out in a better place on the other side.

 

I miss him. I still love him. He still loves me. All it would take to cure my loneliness is to ask. I can't do it, though. How can you give that blind trust twice? How can you love someone so much it hurts, then hurt so much more and still love? Somewhere is the man who will love and understand me- the man who will love a strong, intelligent woman for her qualities instead of feeling small in comparison. Maybe I'll even find him some day, and recognize him when I see him.

 

Until then.... I'm just another woman.

 

Solana.

[jmargel]

Ok.. I'm going to be pretty blunt here. What's up with all the self-pity? I was engaged before and when she cheated on me & left, I did that. I found out that got me NOWHERE in life. It's time to stop that.

 

Did you ever ask, or did he ever get the chance to tell you why he did this? Perhaps not everything was so good before this happened. Perhaps he felt something was missing. Sounds like you to had communication problems. These kinda problems sometimes lead to the situation you are in.

 

Everyone has their own opinion on trust. It is a essential foundation for a relationship, but so is love, which is what you still have for him. Trusting someone again when this happens, takes a very long time. Perhaps you think everything that was good in the relationship before has been tainted because of this?

 

Saying it took him a few days afterwards to 'beg' for you back was too late. What would make it too late? Would there be a different outcome if he begged you back the day after, rather than 2-3 days after?

 

Have you tried counciling with him? One of the main components of love is forgiveness. We all do awful things in the eyes of God, but he forgives us everytime we mess up. It's because he loves us. If you can get past this, you & your husband might have the best years of your life together with each other. Cheating yourself out of that, will truly let the OW win.

[Solana]

Well, I sort of glossed over the details, didn't I?

 

To answer your questions, I knew that our marriage was in trouble, and at various points I'd thought of leaving. However, I still maintained the belief that this was a man worth being with and worth trusting, so I decided to put in a couple more years and tough things out.

 

When I discovered he was cheating, and not only had he cheated, but had a full-blown affair, I made the decision to leave him and get a divorce. While I was an emotional wreck, I was quite sure that it was the right thing to do.

 

In a weak and lonely moment, I asked him if he thought there was still any chance for us, and he said he didn't know. I asked him if he loved me, and he said he didn't know. If he couldn't even tell me that, if he had the gall to kick me when I was down, I didn't want him back. What kind of cruel person treats someone they love that way?

 

Of course he wanted me back a week later. He had to start paying all the household bills on his own, do his own grocery shopping, remember to take out the trash, live alone, deal with the criticism of his friends and family, the list goes on. He had to deal with his needy, demanding girlfriend who expected him to be HER man, and support HER through that 'trying' time. He realized what he'd given up, and that what he'd gained paled in comparison.

 

I, on the other hand, realized I had every opportunity before me, no longer had to deal with an emotionally and verbally abusive spouse, and had the loving support of all my friends and family. And I don't think I can count on my fingers and toes the number of people who told me, "Well.... I never wanted to say anything.... But the guy was a REAL a**h***!" After a certain number of people tell you that, it is no longer an opinion.... it is a fact.

 

Yes, I loved (and still love) him.... but that doesn't change the fact that I did the right thing.

 

Yes, I have self-pity at times. I'm lonely. My entire life was rearranged over what he now tells me was a whim-gone-bad that he couldn't seem to stop until it was too late. A year ago I was contemplating children. Now I'm contemplating how to afford rent on my own. Most of the time I'm fine with it. When the sun goes down I'm sometimes not.

 

Did I give him the chance to explain his actions? Many times. He told me he has low self-esteem, he lost his way. He forgot who he was.

 

But you know what? It wasn't the first time. He's had relatively minor indiscretions in the past, and I forgave away. Not this time. He went too far.

 

I read her letters to him, heard him talk to her on the phone. He told her he'd leave her for me, and they laughed about how "clever" he was in keeping the affair so well-concealed. I listened and felt sick.

 

How does a person forgive and forget that kind of pain? I don't know if you can. I could love him, I could take him back. I could never trust him. I could never take away the wrenching feeling in my stomach when I found each piece of damning evidence, and read her words. Having your soul torn out by your best, most-trusted friend, the one who swore to always be true is a wound that heals but slowly, and can always be made raw anew.... All it takes is a bit of salt or a tiny squeeze of lemon. Neither of us deserved to live like that.

 

Solana.