MissBee Posted April 8, 2012 Share Posted April 8, 2012 The marriage is hardly good even when the problem lies within the WS. Serial cheaters for example are usually intimacy avoidant on top of being sex addicts and thus their issues will be reflected within the marriage. I agree with this. It's like the saying "You're only as strong as your weakest link". It's true. If you are a part of a couple, everything the two of you are is reflected into the relationship...the marriage doesn't exist outside of who both of you are and what both of you bring or don't bring. A marriage isn't a free standing structure. So if one person has all these issues, the marriage isn't good. A relationship cannot be good if someone has issues that prevents them from acting in a decent manner in it. I don't think you can separate your marriage from your spouse's problems or your own problems and say the marriage is good outside of the person's problems. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted April 8, 2012 Share Posted April 8, 2012 I didn't see the OP suggesting it was all sunshine and rainbows, but she did see a married couple who looked and acted like a married couple. This in itself can be a wakeup call, a blow, a surprise,... depending on how MM presented his M. Even if it's painful, it is another lesson that often people who are, and stay, married are really functioning as a married couple, even if one of them has been or is unfaithful. Sometimes OW/OM can lose sight of that fact due to the combination of what MM/MW say and what one wants or hopes for. And along with the pain can come a realization that moves one from 98% to 100% toward the path of their happier future. This so true and I think it is the meaning behind sunset's post. Seeing them together made her see the reality of the affair. It was a defining moment in her own healing and one that she is confronting honestly. You are doing great SunsetRed! You are more than on your way to finding the happiness you deserve. Keep up the great work! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TurningTables Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Sunset: ((Hugs)) You will move beyond this. Look how far you have come. Dont look back now. Keep going forward. I wish you the best. Something great is heading your way. Just wait. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunsetRed Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 Wow, I am so thankful for all of the postive, affirming support I've received! I know I'll be alright this time. Last fall was a different story. Last fall was when he enticed me with another story about how he and the wife had both decided they'd be better off as friends and he was moving out. Two weeks later, he completely kicks me to the curb, disposes of me like I never existed and takes her to Las Vegas. I was nearly suicidal for a month or two and even starting taking anti-depressants because of it. Now that's all behind me. Seeing him brought up some feelings of worthlessness and rejection, but I plan to pick myself right up and go out again. BTW, the comment I made about looking like a "middle aged couple"..that wasnt meant in an offensive way. I'm middle aged myself and would love to have someone to look like a middle aged couple with. My best bet for finding someone to grow old with, is gonna be finding someone who's growing old alone and matching up with them. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Wow, I am so thankful for all of the postive, affirming support I've received! I know I'll be alright this time. Last fall was a different story. Last fall was when he enticed me with another story about how he and the wife had both decided they'd be better off as friends and he was moving out. Two weeks later, he completely kicks me to the curb, disposes of me like I never existed and takes her to Las Vegas. I was nearly suicidal for a month or two and even starting taking anti-depressants because of it. Now that's all behind me. Seeing him brought up some feelings of worthlessness and rejection, but I plan to pick myself right up and go out again. BTW, the comment I made about looking like a "middle aged couple"..that wasnt meant in an offensive way. I'm middle aged myself and would love to have someone to look like a middle aged couple with. My best bet for finding someone to grow old with, is gonna be finding someone who's growing old alone and matching up with them. Good for you! See, you are so much stronger now and those feelings being dredged up by this is just an opportunity to look at them from a stronger position and discard them more fully. I do hope you find a special someone to grow older with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Last night I had the most horrible run in/encounter w my xmm and his wife. We've been finished for a long time and even though my heart still misses him, I still force myself to get out there and meet people who can realistically be with me. Last night I was at one of my favorite bars and there in a back corner was xmm and the wife. I havent seen him in nearly a year and only knew her from a picture, but I knew it was them. I was shocked how much like a couple they looked. He had always described their relationship as being distant and cold. Even though I am 98% over him, it still hurt. They have each other and I was at the bar alone. Also, it is weird for me to have my own perception of him. He has this other life that is completely separate from the life we had and this life is filled with many layers whereas the life he and I had was basically made of only a few layers of depth. He and the wife looked like a middle aged couple that had been together forever. I left the bar feeling that I will always be alone and incomplete. My condolences. I suspect it is always awkward when the "loser" from a romantic triangle is confronted with the surviving couple. My wife and I had a few "run-ins" with my ex-wife in the early days which must have been very difficult for my ex-wife since she left in tears on each of those occasions. Fortunately we have absolutely no reason ever to find ourselves in the same place again as our children have since left home. I hope that time will bring you the gift of indifference. Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 My condolences. I suspect it is always awkward when the "loser" from a romantic triangle is confronted with the surviving couple. My wife and I had a few "run-ins" with my ex-wife in the early days which must have been very difficult for my ex-wife since she left in tears on each of those occasions. Fortunately we have absolutely no reason ever to find ourselves in the same place again as our children have since left home. I hope that time will bring you the gift of indifference. Wow! Seriously condenscending much? Is putting "loser" in quotes nicer to you? Sunset is far from the loser in this situation because she's out of the lies. Interesting you see it as "winning" and "losing" . With that attitude, no doubt your ex wife will realize in time if she hasn't already, that she's also better off out of the lies. There are guys out there they don't have to find their way to happiness while causing someone else pain. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 I was shocked how much like a couple they looked. He had always described their relationship as being distant and cold. Well MM/MW's don't get in the OW/OM's pants by painting a picture of love and companionship for their spouses. When looking to get a little, of course they are going to say, "my marriage isn't that great". hook, line, sinker. The only thing not great about most cheaters' marriages is that their spouse can't be someone different every once in a while. He and the wife looked like a middle aged couple that had been together forever. I left the bar feeling that I will always be alone and incomplete. You shouldn't feel that way. Your xMM is a cheating jackass. No offense, but it amazes me how women will fawn over some jerk like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl2 Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 My condolences. I suspect it is always awkward when the "loser" from a romantic triangle is confronted with the surviving couple. My wife and I had a few "run-ins" with my ex-wife in the early days which must have been very difficult for my ex-wife since she left in tears on each of those occasions. Fortunately we have absolutely no reason ever to find ourselves in the same place again as our children have since left home. I hope that time will bring you the gift of indifference. Your XW I mean. How very patronising of you.. For her sake I also am very glad that she will never have to be in the same place as you . Hopefully time might bring you the gift of grace and empathy . GG 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 My condolences. I suspect it is always awkward when the "loser" from a romantic triangle is confronted with the surviving couple. I did not intend to imply that the OP was a loser. I was referring to the outcome of a triangular situation which is resolved leaving a couple and a single person, which was why I used inverted commas. It was a poor choice of words and for this I apologise. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Wow, I am so thankful for all of the postive, affirming support I've received! I know I'll be alright this time. Last fall was a different story. Last fall was when he enticed me with another story about how he and the wife had both decided they'd be better off as friends and he was moving out. Two weeks later, he completely kicks me to the curb, disposes of me like I never existed and takes her to Las Vegas. I was nearly suicidal for a month or two and even starting taking anti-depressants because of it. Now that's all behind me. Seeing him brought up some feelings of worthlessness and rejection, but I plan to pick myself right up and go out again. BTW, the comment I made about looking like a "middle aged couple"..that wasnt meant in an offensive way. I'm middle aged myself and would love to have someone to look like a middle aged couple with. My best bet for finding someone to grow old with, is gonna be finding someone who's growing old alone and matching up with them. Sunset, I'm so sorry seeing xMM and his W caused you pain. I'm glad you saw it for what it was and not through the lens of wanting them to be unhappy forever. You are well on the way to being healed. Regarding the "middle aged couple" comment. You said they looked like they'd been "together forever". I didn't take that negatively at all. There will always be those on this board that will latch on to the smallest things and hope to turn into something that was not said. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunsetRed Posted April 14, 2012 Author Share Posted April 14, 2012 Thanks again for all the support!! Its been a week since I saw xMM and his wife and I can say with absolute certainty that I have gone from being 98% over him to being 100% over him. I've hit that blissful place of indifference. I never thought I'd hit indifference. I thought I'd just be struggling w acceptance for a long time. Indifference is a great place to be. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from my soul and I hope to never again be in such a dark place over a break up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 OP, i thought your portrayal of them as a middle aged married couple going out for dinner together was kind of nice...it sounds sweet, I hope they were happy together... as for you, i'm glad you're not letting it get you down...in fact, it sounds like you have turned it into a positive experience and showed yourself just how far you've come...i think that's great one of these days I hope that you are able to find a single guy who is just right for you. Someone you can go through life and be happy with, someone who thinks the world of you and loves you to pieces and who you love just as much... someday the two of you will be a happily married middle aged couple , in love and enjoying your lives together 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts